Page 13 | It’s Not Your House…

Spaceofmyown · 2023-09-23T09:22:39+00:00

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere. Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together. However. Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

anareen · 25/09/2023 23:46

JST88 · 25/09/2023 22:51

Really feel so sad for this little boy. Imagine using him saying he’d like a little patch to plant some flowers in your garden as an example of him being irritating to you, he’s 8 years old. You’ve every right to feel tapped out, we all get like that as mothers but sounds like you dislike this little boy. If I thought for one second my little 8 year old boy was spending time with someone who was being irritated by him saying he’d like to plant some flowers or helping himself to some food or drinks he’d never be in your company again.

Fully agreed. I am trying to understand the thoughts behind this though. I feel like it is more dislike for the child also.

anareen · 26/09/2023 00:04

T1Dmama · 25/09/2023 22:40

but DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…

I think this answers your question?!… why should be expect to not share his space yet demand areas of his as yours…

Personally I always think it’s sad when a dad only sees their kid 2 days out of 14 and can’t even spend it doing something on a 1:1 basis with them!! …. Could you maybe suggest to him that on a Saturday you meet them away from the house for a day trip somewhere, even if that’s just a picnic in the park or a walk etc…. Both pay for yourselves and your own DC…. And then have Sunday apart as a day of peace where the DC’s can have some down time / do homework etc ?!…..
Or I would buy your DC’s packed lunch snacks and put them away somewhere where they won’t be taken… tell BF that he’s welcome over but he needs to purchase and bring tea with him because you don’t have enough in the house for them both…. Give him a shopping list and tell him as you’re cooking and clearing up, he’s paying!! I think that’s only fair and you definitely need to set some boundaries…. I think having at least one of the days ‘off’ is reasonable…. And why shouldn’t he parent his own child?!

It's a child and then an adult. That is ridiculous. A grown adult doesn't want to share her space with a child because the child has trouble sharing? You teach the child!

The dad thing is a separate issue. She is letting this flow over into how she feels about the CHILD. That is wrong. I almost feel she isn't fond of having another child regardless of the situation. It sounds like she views relationships as transactional almost.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/09/2023 06:57

JST88 · 25/09/2023 22:51

Really feel so sad for this little boy. Imagine using him saying he’d like a little patch to plant some flowers in your garden as an example of him being irritating to you, he’s 8 years old. You’ve every right to feel tapped out, we all get like that as mothers but sounds like you dislike this little boy. If I thought for one second my little 8 year old boy was spending time with someone who was being irritated by him saying he’d like to plant some flowers or helping himself to some food or drinks he’d never be in your company again.

Yes, this really saddened me. Wanting to plant flowers is so sweet that complaining about it is just so cold. If that was my son, as his mother I wouldn’t want him going there again. I don’t even know why OP is in this relationship at all to be honest.

helpplease01 · 26/09/2023 07:16

Get rid of your ‘boyfriend’ it’s not going to get better. You don’t need this hassle. If you have kids together, chances are you’ll end up doing everything anyway. He sounds lazy.

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:20

JST88 · 25/09/2023 22:51

Really feel so sad for this little boy. Imagine using him saying he’d like a little patch to plant some flowers in your garden as an example of him being irritating to you, he’s 8 years old. You’ve every right to feel tapped out, we all get like that as mothers but sounds like you dislike this little boy. If I thought for one second my little 8 year old boy was spending time with someone who was being irritated by him saying he’d like to plant some flowers or helping himself to some food or drinks he’d never be in your company again.

we all get like that as mothers but sounds like you dislike this little boy.

OP is not his mother.

She’s not even his step-mother.

He never stays over at her house.

Other people’s kids can be annoying, that doesn’t mean OP dislikes him.

The problem is the father, not the son, because the father is making wife work for OP and making her pay for his son.

Funny how you don’t see the man is the issue here and blame OP.

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:22

willWillSmithsmith · 26/09/2023 06:57

Yes, this really saddened me. Wanting to plant flowers is so sweet that complaining about it is just so cold. If that was my son, as his mother I wouldn’t want him going there again. I don’t even know why OP is in this relationship at all to be honest.

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Again, why are you not seeing that the issue here is the man foisting himself and his child on OP every other weekend and expecting her to feed them all weekend?

Or do you think it’s OP’s job to feed them and clean up after them?

When this boy makes a mess planting the seeds, it’s going to be OP who has to clean it up, because his dad won’t lift a finger.

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:25

anareen · 26/09/2023 00:04

It's a child and then an adult. That is ridiculous. A grown adult doesn't want to share her space with a child because the child has trouble sharing? You teach the child!

The dad thing is a separate issue. She is letting this flow over into how she feels about the CHILD. That is wrong. I almost feel she isn't fond of having another child regardless of the situation. It sounds like she views relationships as transactional almost.

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It’s not ‘transactional’ that OP wants this man to take care of and feed his own son FFS!

The child is creating more work for her, why would she want ‘another child’? OP and this man don’t live together, she is not the step-mother. Even she was, the man needs to take care of his own child.

FinallyHere · 26/09/2023 07:58

BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time

And how do you respond to his assumptions? Do you point out firmly but fairly that it's really not on? Or do you run yourself ragged, to stretch meals, entertain his child and skimp attention on your own children ?

Might be time for a conversation.

AnythingBUTnursing · 26/09/2023 08:39

It is a tricky one. As you know it is not the kids fault. He sounds like he loves and trusts you. Which is great for a blended family. Mines doesn't even respect me. That little boy sees you as a safe place. I would however have words with the father when the child is not around and just ask him to listen to how your feeling. He may not realise there is any problems to how your feeling. Even if you just say you want some me time and if the kid asks your away doing something like, a girls weekend and to that effect as the kid will not understand and depending on his experiences in childhood could hinder his feelings and make him confused. Good luck. If your not happy as in a long term commitment to the kid. I would end things with the boyfriend and find a no strings attached relationship. The father sounds like a selfish lazy entitled child and expects you to run around to do his part of being his parent on his time/turn with his child and not him. If that makes sense xx

AnythingBUTnursing · 26/09/2023 08:50

I think she is more overwhelmed by the situation rather than the child. And frustrated at the father. Is in how can the dad not provide at his own house. Taken advantage of by the father not the boy. I've been there. It does make you question things even if you adore the child.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/09/2023 08:54

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 07:22

Again, why are you not seeing that the issue here is the man foisting himself and his child on OP every other weekend and expecting her to feed them all weekend?

Or do you think it’s OP’s job to feed them and clean up after them?

When this boy makes a mess planting the seeds, it’s going to be OP who has to clean it up, because his dad won’t lift a finger.

Show quote history

Why is the OP even in this relationship. It’s a relationship full of either CFery on the man’s part or resentment on OP’s part. OP’s dd doesn’t like being at the other house, OP doesn’t like bf and his son being at her house. What actually is the point of it at all? Where’s the good times, the fun, the enjoyment in this relationship? If I were OP I’d call it a day.

Oscieposcie123 · 26/09/2023 13:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all I think you definitely should talk to your partner, after 4 years together and I'm presuming you have no commitments together maybe it's time to say I'm not the boys mother or yours either and it's time to start pulling your weight around the house and with your own child. No one expects people to have commitments with one another but 4 years is a long time to spend with someone and as you haven't taken the next step maybe it says something about the relationship?

Berthatydfil · 26/09/2023 14:36

Landladyissues · 25/09/2023 20:28

question . what does DS stand for and likewise, what does DC stand for?

DC- dear (or darling) child / children, DS dear son, DD dear daughter, and so on

ManateeFair · 26/09/2023 16:06

Spaceofmyown · 25/09/2023 17:49

@GingerIsBest thank you for your comments - this is probably a good take on what’s frustrating me in some part - the time together is never properly planned, so I’m having to try and stretch food that I’d meal planned, etc. and snacks / drinks that I’d accounted for, for DDs packed lunches the following week get used up.
This thread has really made me consider why the situation is making me more and more stressed, and I think it is because BF seems to assume that I can afford to accommodate them both all the time (financially, and in terms of time), and my frustration has been misdirected.
BFs son can be a really nice kid, and we have spent lots of lovely time together. I think I have just become used to having slightly
older DC who are not so demanding of attention constantly, and who have now developed an appreciation of boundaries and have learnt manners and what might be realistic / appropriate in someone else’s home.
To be clear, BF and his son don’t stay here overnight, so I don’t think his son views / should view my home as his.
BF is not in a position for us to move into together, so this has never been up for discussion.
My DC know that, and I have discouraged them from seeing BF as a step parent figure. They both knew my BF from a sports group they all belonged to before we were dating.

I'll be honest - to me, it sounds like you see your boyfriend and his son as visitors rather than a partner and his child. You talk about who 'hosts' and your expectation is that they come to your house for the day, do not stay over, and that your boyfriend's son behaves in the same way he'd behave on a play date at the house of a school friend. That's your choice, and of course you have every right to set whatever boundaries you like, but that sounds like a very distant and formal way of having a relationship for four years. I mean... if he doesn't stay over when you see him at weekends, do you ever actually spend the night together?

If I had been in a child's life since they were four years old and they were now eight, and I was in a romantic relationship with their father, I would absolutely expect them to behave as if my house was their second home and I would expect them to be able to ask for a snack or watch the telly. I just cannot really compute a relationship which has gone on for four years, but in which you still see your boyfriend and his child as guests who visit you and can't stay over, rather than a blended family unit of some kind. I'm not saying you have to be 'step-parents' but... your description just doesn't sound like any long-term relationship I've really encountered. If you hadn't said 'boyfriend' I would have assumed you were talking about a) a friend and b) a friend you hadn't even known for very long.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/09/2023 16:44

OP consistently refers to this man as 'BF' rather than 'Partner' and that's fine. To me it signifies that she does NOT want the 'step-parental' role for herself nor does she plan to 'meld' her life with his. There's nothing wrong with that! It's 'together apart' and that is an acceptable relationship status.

So to those who keep referring to her being wrong for not considering her bf's child to be the equivalent of a 'step child', that is simply not the nature of their relationship, at least as far as I can tell. And she does not 'hold herself out' (willingly) as a parental figure. So yes, it does make the child a 'guest' in the home. A very special and cared about guest, but still a guest. If she feels that such a guest should not be getting into her fridge & cupboards and taking food, if she feels such a guest should not be 'staking out' house or garden space, so be it. To quote the MN adage "Her house, her rules".

The problem as I see it is that a situation has arisen where due to kindness she has taken on many of the things that a step-parent or 'living together' partners would naturally take on. Now she wants to step back and change the dynamic. She's going to have to have a hard talk with her bf and let him know that he is going to have to step up (with her) and slowly, gently, and firmly redirect the child's behaviour. Will he do that? Probably not. He'll probably pull out the 'you hate/resent my child' bullshit in order to keep his cushy childcare arrangement.

Chez50 · 26/09/2023 19:13

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Chez50 · 28/09/2023 18:25

The child isn't her stepson