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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:
Cockmigrant · 23/09/2023 12:39

Bf is taking the piss here.
The contact weekends should be at his place, where his child presumably has their own room, their own toys etc. That should be the child's home when he is not with his mother. Bf should not be dragging him over to yours just to basically abandon him and let you do all of the childcare - playing with him, making food etc.
In some ways it's good that the child feels comfortable at yours and that he sees it as home - that's why he's talking (telling you) that he wants a patch of ground in the garden to plant flowers in.
But you aren't living together and it sounds like bf is doing fuck all with his child on contact weekends and leaving it all to you.
It's not on and I'd be having words with bf about it. He needs to be entertaining his own child, in his own home and caring for his child so that he has a good relationship with him. That's the whole point of contact weekends - not to take child to random woman's house and let her get on with caring for him.

Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Because if you do move in with him that's what will happen - you'll be used as default childcare for this child.

Blottingpaperscript · 23/09/2023 12:40

Dump him OP- he is expecting a maid and a housekeeper with a nanny thrown in. Or if you invite him over again just don't do any of it. But this won't get better or end well. I'm wondering if his attitude and lazy behaviour is why he was single in the first place. Leopards don't change their spots as they say.

AliceOlive · 23/09/2023 12:42

What did he say when you told him you needed time alone?

If he goes to his parents house this weekend because you are not available, I would get rid of him.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 23/09/2023 12:42

I'd hate this & feel completely used and invaded. BF has his own home, you don't need masses of space for crafting-& he can buy him a planter there if they don't have a garden
YANBU. Please don't move in with him or this will be so much worse-& permanent. TBH I'd be dumping him now but that's your call.

willWillSmithsmith · 23/09/2023 12:45

The lad sounds really sweet but I guess that’s not the issue. The issue is you’re only dating and very likely not going to be living together or getting married (resentment isn’t a good ingredient in a good relationship). Probably better to end the relationship for both yours and the son’s sake.

Greengrassohla · 23/09/2023 12:45

Must be shit for your daughter I

MrsMara · 23/09/2023 12:47

You have gotten into a right old rut here OP. if you want to remain in a relationship with the boyfriend, I suggest a reset where on his weekends he stays at his house, with his own son, and you meet up for lunch or something.. though personally, I would go back to dating only.

Your own kids can't be a fan of this boy being there EOW as well, I know mine wouldn't like it, though it wouldn't happen as I couldn't bear such a set up. You have the power to change this and you really really should.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2023 12:47

@LifeInTheGrass - did you happen to miss the part of the OP's message where she says that she and the boyfriend are not living together yet he is making her house, sorry, I'll correct that, her home the location that he uses to entertain his child and for one weekend she has said that he's got to find somewhere else???

It's not up to the OP to facilitate the weekends that her boyfriend has his son. That is up to the boyfriend.

I'll go back and read more than the first two posts now and see if there has been any update from the OP in relation to her situation.

cuddlebear · 23/09/2023 12:47

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/09/2023 10:40

What's his dad doing while you're parenting his child?

Exactly!

You are a convenience @Spaceofmyown

Tell him you’re happy to date him but he needs to spend the weekends he has his DS at his own house. He’s taking the piss.

Inkpotlover · 23/09/2023 12:49

He needs to have his contact time with his son as his own house at least every other weekend that he has him, if not more. He's not parenting him otherwise, he's just foisting him on you.

IncompleteSenten · 23/09/2023 12:51

Tell him to spend his weekends with his son at his house, just the two of them.

Berthatydfil · 23/09/2023 12:53

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2023 12:30

Half the work? He should be doing ALL the work!

Show quote history

This. 100%. You are providing the space (your house) company (your dc) food, entertainment (gardening, messy crafts etc) waiting on them hand and foot and doing all the tidying up after.
What is he contributing? A bit of DIY ?

Does he buy a food shop on the weekends they/he is with you?
Your dc are being pushed out by this, on the occasions you all went to his place his child didn't want to share his things yet they expect you and your dc to share theirs. Its not his sons’s fault but it is his fathers as hes not parenting him and encouraging him to share etc.
Men like think tend to assume that because you have your own children you automatically love all children and naturally want to look after his.
Its been 4 years you are going to have to do some heavy rowing back on this.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2023 12:55

Saw this comment as I carried on reading from @Spaceofmyown :
"DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things"
It seems like the BF doesn't like sharing his space or things either which is why he goes to the OP's place.

Honestly @Spaceofmyown - I'd tell BF that until the relationship is at a place where you are living together - (not looking to speed things up but just stating that if it were ever to get to that point) - only then do you think his son should be coming to your home. Your BF has a home and he can use that for the weekends that he has his son. You can meet up, do things together if you wanted to spend time together on those weekends, but you go home separately to your separate homes.

Mamai90 · 23/09/2023 12:56

It sounds as though you're blaming the kid and not your boyfriend.

LardoBurrows · 23/09/2023 12:56

Your BF is just another in a long line of divorced fathers who, instead of fathering their own DC on their contact weekends, look for the nearest compliant female with with her own home and then fosters a relationship with her in order to foist the childcare of his DC on to her. She willingly takes on the role of providing full catering, cleaning and entertainment for the DC of her BF, often at the detriment of her own children's wishes and wellbeing. Meanwhile the male cuckoo congratulates himself on finding yet another weak female to look after his DC whilst presenting himself as the world's best Dad.

Honestly, why oh why are women still falling for this old trick. It's almost as if some women want to be used. I feel sorry for the Op's own DC at having this unrelated male and his offspring foisted on them every fortnight, just because their mother put's her boyfriend's wishes above theirs.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2023 12:57

ImNotReallySpartacus · 23/09/2023 11:04

Try going away for the weekend (and leaving your house locked up).

This is a great idea!

Naunet · 23/09/2023 12:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Rubbish, if single parents are looking for a free nanny, then THEY need to be upfront about that when dating. Note how OP isn’t expecting this man to host, cook for and financially provide for HER children, so you also need to specify when dating that you’re expecting it to be a one way street.

Flatandhappy · 23/09/2023 12:59

it sounds like it is much easier for your BF to have you entertaining his son rather than having to do it himself. If he only has his son every second weekend he should be spending one on one time with him, not trying to do the blended family thing with you. I would stop being the primary source of entertainment for this boy, he should be spending time with his dad. You also need to focus on your kids, I’m not sure what some random 8yo brings to their lives.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 13:01

I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break.

What did he say when you told him this, @Spaceofmyown ?

Is he staying at his house all weekend with his son?

SerafinasGoose · 23/09/2023 13:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Then the chores and expenses get divided up. Properly. It's OP's home: she is neither a housemaid nor a hotelier.

ncob · 23/09/2023 13:10

YANBU and the poor 8 year old son is NBU, however his dad/your bf is BU.

anareen · 23/09/2023 13:10

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

First, you need to reevaluate your views on being with someone who brings a child to the relationship. If I were that child's mother I would absolutely not want my child to be in your home or around you. Children don't know the depth of adult issues. Don't let how you feel about the father cross into how you feel about a poor child.

As for the father. It does sound like he is taking advantage of you/situation a bit. Very telling of his character. I would think over if you want to be in a relationship with someone like that and if you want your child around someone like that.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/09/2023 13:11

These men are like cuckoos foisting their young on women they con into relationships at the expense of her own children.
I would take the advice of.numerous pp and actively plan to do things with your own DD whilst she still wants to spend time with you, even if it's stay at home and watch films, do each others nails and eat popcorn ans chocolate all day.
Make yourself and your house unavailable on these weekends to him.

Ponderingwindow · 23/09/2023 13:11

The son isn’t doing anything wrong. If his dad regularly takes him to this particular home during dad’s custody time, son has no reason not to think of that building as his own home.

the problem rests entirely with your boyfriend. Just tell him to stop coming over during his custody time. If you want to meet up, do it somewhere else.

daisychain01 · 23/09/2023 13:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It's pretty ridiculous to say that just because the boyfriend has a child, that gives him the right to dictate via his child to the OP what she can do with her own house where the boyfriend arbitrarily decides to cocklodge in the majority of the time.

if the boyfriend had the common decency to ask "is it ok if little Sonny Jim has a bit of your garden to plant some marigolds?" then that's a completely different matter. But he hasn't, he's just made promises to his child with zero consideration.

absolutely no respect for the OPs autonomous boundaries. I'm all for being kind to children, but honestly that's beyond the pale. She shouldn't become a door mat just at his behest.