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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 23/09/2023 11:58

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Yes but, and a very big but, the DBoyfriend needs to step up! Why's it on the OP to provide food etc?

PortalooSunset · 23/09/2023 11:58

What are your long term plans for the relationship?

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/09/2023 11:58

Can I place a bet on your partner coming to your house at other times and expecting you to provide food etc when he doesn't do the same for you?

MsRosley · 23/09/2023 11:59

'Hey, BF, I've lined up some activities for myself on the weekends DSS is here, so I know you'll be around and won't mind looking after my kids while I'm out.'

Keep doing it until he gets the message.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 23/09/2023 12:01

Many years ago I was you op. Ex had 2 ds's. One with SN... He was back living at his dm's... My home was much more appealing... Amd so was my fridge.. His ex wasn't happy they were always at my home. Even though it was me /my car /my picnic that gave them a great week end.. He wasn't working (medical reason) she upped her financial demands until he /we couldn't manage and she kept them away. Ime he never really parented them anyway. Step back for both of the dc's benefit op. In the nicest way his dc needs to be building a decent relationship him and currently isn't...

Sleepo · 23/09/2023 12:02

YANBU. It's not your job to parent your boyfriend's son.

However YABU to think of it in terms of the 8yo being "too expectant". He's only 8- far too young to be expected to navigate a situation like this and the complexities of adult relationships, so it's not his fault if he's getting it slightly wrong. It's your boyfriend's job to manage this and he isn't doing it.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/09/2023 12:03

Why don’t you say ‘listen up, next week I’m bringing my kids to your house for the weekend and we can camp out at yours for a change. Be nice to be waited on hand and foot. Kids want to do LEGO, painting and want cupcakes. I’m really looking forward to it, what you gonna cook babe?’

WomanHereHear · 23/09/2023 12:08

Sleepo · 23/09/2023 12:02

YANBU. It's not your job to parent your boyfriend's son.

However YABU to think of it in terms of the 8yo being "too expectant". He's only 8- far too young to be expected to navigate a situation like this and the complexities of adult relationships, so it's not his fault if he's getting it slightly wrong. It's your boyfriend's job to manage this and he isn't doing it.

Exactly, OP needs to shift the blame to the BF he is the root cause of the problem but for some women it’s easy to blame the sc rather than rethink the whole relationship and potentially be without a man.

WomanHereHear · 23/09/2023 12:09

Moveoverdarlin · 23/09/2023 12:03

Why don’t you say ‘listen up, next week I’m bringing my kids to your house for the weekend and we can camp out at yours for a change. Be nice to be waited on hand and foot. Kids want to do LEGO, painting and want cupcakes. I’m really looking forward to it, what you gonna cook babe?’

Great idea, OP you need to do this!

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 23/09/2023 12:10

but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here.

Your bf is taking the piss and you are letting it happen. Agree with someone else who said you’re a fool for allowing it. Stop it happening. Yanbu.

Stravaig · 23/09/2023 12:10

Your boyfriend should be spending his contact time parenting his own son in his own home. You spend that time relaxing with your own kids, friends, family, doing your own thing in your own life. Stop being a de facto wife, parent and skivvy for a wastrel boyfriend who is showing you very clearly who he is.

5128gap · 23/09/2023 12:13

Have you talked about what the relationship is and where its headed? Because if this is a casual BF/GF dating situation rather than a life partner type thing, he is being unreasonable. However, if you (or he, mistakenly) considers it a serious partnership, well, that's probably what it would look like. I think you need to get on the same page about what you're 'doing' tbh, then talk about how the DC will be treated within the context of that.
And sooner rather than later, as (and I know this isn't on you!) that child needs to know where he stands.

whynotwhatknot · 23/09/2023 12:13

hes got it made hasnt he-free house no chores free babysitting

tell him hes to have his son at his own house its irrelevant how small it is-and dont move in with him

Workawayxx · 23/09/2023 12:17

are you planning to move in together in the next year or two ? If so, I think you’d need to set some boundaries with bf to see if that will work - he needs to cook/tidy/clean up/buy food/provide toys etc. he can’t just piggy back on your smooth running household, food shopping, cooking etc.

if you aren’t planning to move in together anytime soon then I’d just limit the visits. Your bf needs to get used to dealing with his dc by himself and it’ll benefit everyone for him to have quality time alone with him. I’d say they can come for the weekend once a month or one night per weekend he’s there or whatever suits you and bf has to do 50% of cooking and most of the stuff for his dc.

GlasgowGal82 · 23/09/2023 12:20

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Sorry, but I think your response is really misogynistic. Of course OP should welcome her partner's child into her home, but that doesn't mean she should be a skivvy while they are there. She's not the parent in this situation, the man she is dating is so he should be the one doing the parenting! To be honest OP this would be a major red flag that this man isn't willing to pull his own weight in a relationship and I'd be waving him goodbye.

BruceAndNosh · 23/09/2023 12:29

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Did you miss the bit where she is the default childcare when he's there?

There's making him feel welcome and there's being Weekend Nanny

housethatbuiltme · 23/09/2023 12:29

So you have a cock lodger looking for a free nanny... YANBU.

pinkyredrose · 23/09/2023 12:30

DiscoBeat · 23/09/2023 10:42

They do come as pair, however your partner should be doing at least half of the work. Re the snacks and drink, I would designate a box in a cupboard. And another in the fridge, with his weekend quota (helps not to overdo the sugar/salt too). Maybe also your partner could take him out for quality Dad time, so you get some space too.

Half the work? He should be doing ALL the work!

SchoolQuestionnaire · 23/09/2023 12:33

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HE has a son. So wtf is he turning up at op’s house and leaving her to entertain him rather than spending time with him himself? They don’t even live together so why would any self respecting woman agree to become default parent when her boyfriend isn’t even paying his way in her home?

theemmadilemma · 23/09/2023 12:35

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All of this. Because regardless of what others are saying about his parenting, if you move in together this is your life. If you're already struggling, you're going to hate it.

PamelaAndreaGryglaszewska · 23/09/2023 12:36

You're seeing what your future would be with this man if you moved in together (and, god forbid, married him). Chief cook, bottle washer, babysitter and keeper of a cocklodger and child who will try to edge out your DD. Dump him.

Sparklybutold · 23/09/2023 12:37

I do empathise with you OP in feeling overwhelmed. But the problem is not the son but your partner. He needs to also tak care of his kids/the house etc.

Floppyelf · 23/09/2023 12:38

HakunaMatiłda · 23/09/2023 10:24

Fully get where you are coming from. It sounds like he is grooming you so that you become the default parent on his weekends.

This is the best answer to your situation. He is grooming you so that he can do fuck all. Dump him. It feels so good to write fuck.

Takeabreather23 · 23/09/2023 12:38

It’s lovely the chld feels
comfortable as you and bf are putting two sets of kids together wether they want / like it or
not .
it’s not the childs fault your bf is useless .
Take your weekend to yourself then have a proper talk with bf about how things need to be .
If you are a walk over now it won’t change . He’s using you for free childcare.

therealcookiemonster · 23/09/2023 12:39

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:38

BFs house is smaller which I feel he uses as an excuse not to host. I think we’ve all had a meal there once or twice, but that’s about it - he makes no attempt to accommodate me or my DCs so it is definitely creating a sense of unbalance.
My DCs are 11 and 15 - eldest is mostly out and about with his friends, etc so not that affected, but DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…

I'll be honest OP, this is LTB territory. why are you putting all the effort in to parent his child when he doesn't have the decency to reciprocate.

just makes him seem selfish and entitled