Page 2 | It’s Not Your House…

Spaceofmyown · 2023-09-23T09:22:39+00:00

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere. Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together. However. Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

DiscoBeat · 23/09/2023 10:42

They do come as pair, however your partner should be doing at least half of the work. Re the snacks and drink, I would designate a box in a cupboard. And another in the fridge, with his weekend quota (helps not to overdo the sugar/salt too). Maybe also your partner could take him out for quality Dad time, so you get some space too.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 10:43

is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here.

and what is your boyfriend doing whilst you’re doing all this?

gogomoto · 23/09/2023 10:46

Not the kid's fault - your boyfriend is taking advantage obviously against your will. The child is just making best of the situation and sounds lovely, gardening, crafts and of course he wants toys, food and to watch tv - he's treating the house his own which is right for non resident children BUT you haven't agreed with his father for this to happen.

PosterBoy · 23/09/2023 10:47

Well he (your lazy ass boyfriend and useless father) thinks he has found a right mug!

Is he right?

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 23/09/2023 10:50

Yanbu, but it's a boyfriend problem you have, not a stepchild problem.

If he wants to spend so much time at your house then he needs to contribute both financially and practically.

Is it the same when his child isn't there? I.e. you still cook and scurry around after boyfriend? If so, you are as much part of the problem as he is.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 23/09/2023 10:50

gogomoto · 23/09/2023 10:46

Not the kid's fault - your boyfriend is taking advantage obviously against your will. The child is just making best of the situation and sounds lovely, gardening, crafts and of course he wants toys, food and to watch tv - he's treating the house his own which is right for non resident children BUT you haven't agreed with his father for this to happen.

Yes. I can see why you’re resenting the extra work, and your boyfriend sounds like a lazy sod, but the kid is being a kid – You’ve done a great job of making him welcome and at home (and how nice he wants to craft and use the garden!); unfortunately it’s not your job.

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

Hummingbird89 · 23/09/2023 10:52

Your update makes it even worse. If your kids were a similar age I would sort of get it, but your kids are Way Beyond the crafting/messy play/constant entertaining age! Your weekends should be you time.

Cornettoninja · 23/09/2023 10:53

I feel really quite sorry for this lad but it’s his dads fault and he needs to address it properly.

The boy is clearly looking for some sort of security/stake and I’m afraid your house has become a third place he calls ‘home’. Some of the things you mention I wouldn’t really object to, although I completely get how having another person regularly in your house throws off different balances - budgeting being a fairly important one.

You need to spell it out to your bf. It’s not working for his son because boundaries have been completely dismantled and you’re not offering what he clearly needs. You bf needs to up his game.

BabyofMine · 23/09/2023 10:53

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

But he’s NOT her step son?!!! 🙈

SunRainStorm · 23/09/2023 10:55

Your boyfriend is using you and absolutely taking the piss.

He's setting you up to do all the hard parenting work for him. Selfish entitled prick.

Tell him to entertain his son at his own home. If you want to spend time all together, meet in a playground or some neutral place.

GrumpyPanda · 23/09/2023 10:55

At a bare minimum, why isn't your BF bringing food and cooking for everybody on these weekends?

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2023 10:56

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:38

BFs house is smaller which I feel he uses as an excuse not to host. I think we’ve all had a meal there once or twice, but that’s about it - he makes no attempt to accommodate me or my DCs so it is definitely creating a sense of unbalance.
My DCs are 11 and 15 - eldest is mostly out and about with his friends, etc so not that affected, but DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…

Don't see your BF on the weekends he has his son

Spend time doing stuff with your own children

Itick8outof10boxes · 23/09/2023 10:57

How many people on here have actually read the OP's posts? They don't live together, bf is a lazy arse and rocks up at weekends to send time with the nanny a.k.a his gf so she can look after his ds.

Cornettoninja · 23/09/2023 10:57

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

OP is not a stepmother. It’s her house, the bf doesn’t live there. She’s not obliged to ensure the ds belongs and is wanted because that’s not (from the sounds of it) is where the relationship is.

The boys dad is the one responsible for ensuring his home is a welcoming and secure space for his ds.

Moving into a blended family frame of mind requires serious discussion beforehand, taking everyone’s needs into consideration.

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2023 10:58

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

They don't live together and she's not a step-mother

He doesn't have to bring his son over he could spend some father/son time in his own house

forrestgreen · 23/09/2023 11:00

Have I messed how long you've been together?
So basically your dp would like sex, free food, nanny services, cleaning all for free whilst he has his ds.

Push back on the coming over and see how the relationship stands up to you saying no to him.

Itick8outof10boxes · 23/09/2023 11:00

Bf should have HIS son at his house or better still take him out and have time with HIS son rather than foisting the care out. He comes across a real prick, not even providing food.

NotAKangaroo · 23/09/2023 11:01

Where are your daughter's needs in so this? I bet she would prefer to spend time with her mum or lazing about her own house rather than having a man there and an 8 year old. I don't know many 11 year olds who enjoy hanging out with 8 year olds every other weekend. It won't be long before she's too old to want to be with you, so don't waste your precious weekends with her, babysitting someone else's child.

Clymene · 23/09/2023 11:01

He should be spending his weekends with his son at his home.

He's a lazy arse and he's using you and your children

forrestgreen · 23/09/2023 11:01

Just seen four years.
I'd definitely say he's got his feet under the table and is seeing the benefits

Does he take you out on dates, does he treat you for being such an amazing human?

Whataretheodds · 23/09/2023 11:01

DiscoBeat · 23/09/2023 10:42

They do come as pair, however your partner should be doing at least half of the work. Re the snacks and drink, I would designate a box in a cupboard. And another in the fridge, with his weekend quota (helps not to overdo the sugar/salt too). Maybe also your partner could take him out for quality Dad time, so you get some space too.

'Partner should be doing more than half the work - it doesn't sound like he does anything for OP's kids.

Definitely talk to him about it @Spaceofmyown. Maybe have a weekend where you/your house are not available, and then in advance of the next weekend you'd he spending together ask him "what's your plan for the weekend, what's your plan for catering/what DS is going to do?".

Throwncrumbs · 23/09/2023 11:02

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

He’s not her stepson, he’s her boyfriend who doesn’t live with her son…

ImNotReallySpartacus · 23/09/2023 11:04

Try going away for the weekend (and leaving your house locked up).

Annasgirl · 23/09/2023 11:05

NotAKangaroo · 23/09/2023 11:01

Where are your daughter's needs in so this? I bet she would prefer to spend time with her mum or lazing about her own house rather than having a man there and an 8 year old. I don't know many 11 year olds who enjoy hanging out with 8 year olds every other weekend. It won't be long before she's too old to want to be with you, so don't waste your precious weekends with her, babysitting someone else's child.

Listen to this OP. You are reaching the end of the time when your DD will want to spend all her time with you - they grow up so fast and suddenly, they are gone every weekend. Please don’t waste these last precious years with her by parenting your DPs child, who is nothing to her.