To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

We've always spent Christmas day at home. Me Dh and 2dc. We usually go for a walk on Christmas morning with the wider family, then back home for Christmas Dinner, presents etc. We meet up with wider family again between Boxing Day and New Years day which is when we exchange presents, eat loads, have a quiz. All that good stuff.Works for us.

Dinner at 4am? Was that a typo?

Even though many mothers think no woman is ever good enough for their son, what you have endured is unacceptable. I am glad that I have never had this.

Visit for a few hours on one day over Christmas not on the 25th I suggest.

Yes silly me 4pm

Does DH stay home with you or go to his mum’s?

If I’d gone to the effort of hosting Christmas and someone turned up wearing a tracksuit I’d be pissed off too and 4pm is a perfectly normal time to eat; I’ve never understood this eating at 12 of Christmas day thing - who eats a bit meal at 12 any other day of the year?

I’ve said YABU because you chose to spend the day there for all this time. What you should have done, after the first time you stayed there, is to not go back every year!
Is there a reason why you haven’t hosted Christmas at your house?

Well done OP and don’t feel ashamed. Many never put their foot down, you have. I hope you have lots of lovely Christmases.
My mil is fairly easy going but in 27 years of marriage we have been invited to hers twice! She’s not great at more than 4 and doesn’t really know how to entertain though she is a great cook, that’s where it ends.She’s been here a few years running and has also let us down a couple of times last minute for reasons too outing to explain so DH has said never again. We like music, lights and games and lots of drinks! 🤪

Maybe there’s more to it and general back story makes a difference but I don’t think any of that sounds like really terrible behaviour.

You don’t think telling your DIL to put makeup on is terrible behaviour?????

We are struggling to mix expectations from parents as well as ease and convenience for us.
We are also expecting a baby in December which complicates things this year.

Christmas morning we opem presents at home and head to one side of parents for 10 for breakfast. We then do presents there and stay until around 1, then go to the other set of parents for dinner, stay overnight and then go back to the other parents for boxing day dinner.

No unreasonable demands but it is an expectation we do that.
Not only are the kids away from their presents for 2 days but it's also very full on.
But we have to weigh that up with the convenience of not having to cook and that everyone uses parents/ in laws as a central point for meeting up so no bouncing between anymore houses required.

@s14a that sounds exhausting! How about hosting and taking turns to have parents between the children?

I think what comes through is that she moans about you no matter what you do. I think people get fixed ideas about what they want Christmas to be like (I do too) and can’t accept how others want it to be. You don’t have to go along with what she wants and if she’s going to moan anyway you might as well enjoy the day.

It’s not clear from your post whether your DH still goes to his mum’s, or whether he stays at home with you now. I hope it’s the latter.

I’m a bit torn, because when the children were young, family Christmas was such hard work that I was generally grateful to anyone who would take on tasks like making the dinner. I probably could even have put up with your MIL. However she sounds so overbearing that I can also see that it would very quickly start to grate.

For many years now, I’ve cooked the dinner, though my young adult children are now old enough to help, and having bought them stockings each year with small presents in, they now make one for me, which is lovely.

Other than that, I love having lots of Christmas decorations and lights and especially candles.

There will be a change this year, because for the first time in many years, I will be going to my parents, so I’m quite excited to be doing something different, though I may have to take over the kitchen, which will be fine, now I no longer have young children.

4pm isn't a normal time to eat... Who eats their main meal at 4pm on a normal day? Without being allowed in the kitchen for any food earlier in the day?

I spent 1 Christmas day at PIL about 20 years ago and swore I would never do it again. Men went to pub at 12pm for 2 hours while it was expected that women would make the food. They came home stinking drunk at 2pm, ate and then fell asleep on the sofa while women washed and cleaned up. I was fuming and it caused a massive argument plus a demand that we never do that again.
Ever since then we've had Xmas day at home with DH doing an equal share.

I banned my mil on Xmas day years ago! I feel no guilt

I spent one Christmas with my in-laws (pre-children) and vowed that I would never go there again for Christmas and certainly not put any children we might have through it - and we never did.

Luckily my OH was GP in a 2 man rural practice and was always on duty either on the day itself or the two days around it. I used to say we could not go anywhere, but people were welcome to come to us.

We had great Christmases!

Very few of my Christmas Days have been the same as each other in my adult life- I've been married and divorced twice, with a child from each marriage, so it's always been a case of negotiating/divvying up time etc.

This year I won't have either child around first thing on Christmas Day- ds1 will be at his girlfriend's parents', and ds2 will be at his father's. DP is working nights, starting (I think) on Christmas Day night.

So presents will be opened after midday, then lunch will be around two ish. Then probably a walk or a movie (or both) and general chilling until DP has to leave for work.

Of necessity my Christmas Days have always been low key, which suits me fine.

Always just spent it at home with DH and DC, could not be arsed seeing family for Christmas tbh. We’re going on holiday this year for the first time instead of buying lots of pointless gifts the DC will barely touch.

Exactly and you don’t get to dictate what people wear just because you cooked a roast. Bloody odd.

@Sartre where are you going? We did this once and went to Spain with my family en masse. It was great!

I haven’t been around MIL for Xmas in the last 10 years and I have no intention of going there again. She’s a crap cook and I’m bored shitless.

We do a mixture of at home, out for Xmas with my parents and last year we spent it away. This year is at home.

I never saw inlaws at Xmas...luckily they lived 2 hours drive away. I have always done exactly what I want at Xmas...never cook traditional food, we eat about 4, no TV, no hosting of difficult people or visiting either.
Why do people martyr themselves?

Does DH stay home with you or go to his mum’s?
DH stays home now we have dc.

If I’d gone to the effort of hosting Christmas and someone turned up wearing a tracksuit I’d be pissed off too
I was not wearing tracksuit. I wore skirt and jumper but expected to wear a dress. Bil would wear tracksuit bottoms and that was seen as okay

4pm is a perfectly normal time
But was not allowed to use kitchen to even make myself toast beforehand.

Is there a reason why you haven’t hosted Christmas at your house?
For Mil it must be at her house.