To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

Ikilledsyriusblack, Thank you for your kind remarks.
DS2 popped in after I had posted so I asked if he was OK with the usual arrangements for Christmas.
“Yes, mum, of course”. So that’s settled.

We host at Christmas for whoever wants to come, pretty set with times purely as we have feed the livestock each end of the day. Dinner is usually around 2pm. Sometimes I do envy people who go to their in-laws/family for Christmas because I think it must be lovely to be cooked for and not have the pressure myself sometimes but wild horses wouldn't drag me to my MIL's on Christmas or any other day for that matter, she's got an acid tongue and is generally just not a nice person.

Saying that I also feel sorry for those who are on the road all Christmas because they feel a duty to spend Christmas with family.

Pleased you're out of your shit Christmas years OP. I bet it feels great now you've made the change.

I experienced this. For mil Christmas was about her family, I was treated like an unwanted guest.
They would have late dinner and a pancake breakfast. I offered by help but both mil and sil were worried, I would ruin their perfect meals. I am a decent cook. So I would sit like an unhelpful guest, while they would make such show of how much they did. Basically mother praising daughter and daughter praising mother on dinner table. In the end, i would offer to do dishes. Everything was on their terms, to me under the breath comments were made but dh would be told how much mil wanted me there. I got tired of this martyrdom and game playing by mil and stopped going after a few years of stressful visits.

It was BIL who turned up wearing track pants not OP.

We spend Christmas in different ways depending on who’s hosting. Mainly it’s at our house, just the four of us. Sometimes we host other family. Sometimes we go to someone’s house.

We go with the flow of whoever’s hosting. We make effort, dress and extras wise, commensurate with what we think the host expects. I’ve gone hungry and I’ve been exhausted by it all and wished for a bit of down time but I’ve sucked it up because it’s just one day. But it is just one day. If we don’t like it we don’t have to go back next year (or next time we’re invited). And we’ve never had anyone moaning to either of us about the other.

You put up with it for too long, OP. I’m glad you’ve found your backbone and now have a fun Christmas.

We spend Christmas Day at home. Have done since our youngest was a baby and Christmas Day became so stressful with the in laws. Been 15 years of being at home now and my DH always says how lovely and calm it is.

Christmases with my in laws revolved around what their other son and his family were doing. So for May years we'd get to be at home on Xmas day as bil would be with his wife's family, but then MIL would do a Christmas day a couple of days later. That was slightly more bearable but then bils circumstances changed and we had to go on Christmas day.

Like the OP, the meal was at an kdd time - OK we weren't staying so would arrive as late as we dared, and also like the OP no one was allowed in the kitchen, booze had been put out in tje dining room to help yourself to, but I don't drink alcohol or lurid coloured sports drinks, I'm a cuppa girl so would go tje whole day with my flask stashed in the car

We used to go to the in laws every Christmas- it wasn't awful but they would ask everyone to come over early but there was no food available until Christmas dinner was served.
Well there would be chocolates in our stockings but I didn't want chocolate for breakfast & lunch 🤣
Wouldn't have been so bad if it was served at the planned time of 2pm but my MIL was always running around wrapping stuff and popping out to drop off cards/gifts and dinner would end up being around 4/5pm
No one was allowed to help with the dinner as she loved cooking & hosting but I was absolutely starving by the time the food was served and the portions were small (probably normal portions but looked tiny to me, being my only meal of the day 🤣)
And there was just so much waiting around. MIL had to be there for all gift openings but was always busy.
One Christmas we got home after midnight and we were so hungry. I asked my husband if we could have dinner at home the next Christmas and my husband thoroughly enjoyed cooking the dinner with all the extra trimmings.
We still went round to visit about 5ish and I jokingly said I bet they've all just started eating dinner and my husband said no, mum said she'll be dishing up 3pm latest.
Get there. They've all only just started eating 🤣
So another lot of waiting around for them to finish their food.
We now always have our own Christmas at home and pop round about 7ish if we are visiting.
They are lovely people but it's so nice to be able to do our own thing and not be waiting around waiting for Christmas to start.

So you wake up at 7am and no food is available until 4pm? Seems unlikely

Even if they have breakfast at 8am… that’s still a long time to go for no reason.

Can’t imagine actually getting up at 7 am on Christmas Day because my mil was knocking on the bedroom door!! How rude is she? I’d turn over and pretend I hadn’t t heard.

Christmas dinner is normally around 3/4pm here but breakfast is late and we have canapés before dinner so nobody goes hungry.

I hate spending Christmas anywhere but at home, just us. Don't feel bad you tried for so long though. I was raised to be a people pleaser so only after growing older and being pushed around too much I've started putting my foot down and even then I'm vilified. It's ridiculous, just ignore her and create your own traditions!

Going to stay in a pub for 3 days on a Christmas package.
No cooking, no washing-up... can't wait.

I enjoy Christmas i like the cooking and togetherness

Dh and I spent 1 Christmas in Denmark when we were first engaged with my family. After that we decided to spend it at home the 2 of us. Then the children arrived.

We did 1 Christmas in Denmark after dd3 had been born and it was so stressful I said never again.

we celebrate christmas Danish style on the 24th in the evening
Over the years mil joined us on Christmas day she passed 5 years ago and these days we put on white Christmas for mil.

We have stocking. With tea and coffee the smocked salmon scrambled eggs with bucksfizz usually around 9 to 10ish

We have Christmas lunch turkey and alllll the trimmings around 3. Then around 8ish a cheese board comes out.

There are snacks out as people want or need them the kitchen is never closed and everyone helps and supports.

Last year dd1s. Boyfriend joined us. They left to drive to Liverpool early on boxing day (we are in The SE) this year they started talking about doing it the other way. I took dd1 aside told her they are always always welcome with us but I'd rather they spend Christmas with his family not hurling down the motorway in some attempt to "make it fair" that we could meet earlier on in December and they need to find their Christmas traditions that works for them and not worry about being "fair".

The time will come when they will be in their home and dh and I will join them all. I want them to create their memories and their christmas' that suits their family without stress and to keep that.togetherness for their family.

All 4 of my children have lovely Christmas memories and I am convinced it has to do with it being a relaxing few days full of games films and time. With good food.

My mum passed away so I would always host Christmas at our house so that both my dad and my partner's family were included. MIL has been a nightmare this year (really territorial over our daughter, overstepping/tap dancing all over boundaries and saying some hurtful things) and when she was told SHE played the victim and got really passive aggressive instead of just talking some accountability, apologising and trying to make things right. This year she can host her own Christmas and I will host for my partner, dad and LO (I'm thinking cheesy matching Christmas pj's and everything) and she won't see LO til Boxing Day or after that. Not my monkey, not my circus - play silly games, win silly prizes!

Christmas Day is at home - always. If grandparents want to visit they can….welcome for dinner etc.
But, Christmas is always at home whilst my kiddos are here.

I only did it once or possibly twice. The cavity of the turkey was stuffed with rice and meat that took so long to cook the turkey was like dust. Everything to do with Christmas was taken down on Boxing Day but presents weren't opened until then.

I grew up with Christmas starting on Christmas Eve and ending with a big party on January 6th. Once we had a child we decided it was too much travelling... Although it didn't stop us going on Eurostar to spend Christmas with family...

We spend it at home. I do Xmas dinner on Xmas eve then we have leftovers and graze on whatever we want on Xmas day. I crack open the avocaat about 9am and chill out and spend quality time with DD and DP. It's great :)

Good for you OP!

Christmas is non negotiable for me, it’s always been really important as a family we spend the day together. Even in our twenties me and my sister would be like kids at our parents still going home to stay. Then we met our other halves. The first year my partner was invited for Christmas staying 3 nights with us at my parents. I started to worry I would be expected to do the same at his parents the following year.
Luckily I realised they were the most boring and frankly quite rude people in that first year we were together and was able to release my partner from another “Christmas” with them ever again. They literally can’t even bring themselves to say Merry Christmas, it’s like it pains them to even smile for one day. I suggested we do NYD with them, I was led to believe they were into it. Nope, absolutely miserable! We arrived at 12pm and left at 2pm.
10 years later and now there’s 4 grandchildren in the family and we still all pile into my parents house on Christmas Eve, passing on all the traditions we did as kids to the next generation. As of last year, we all now live within 10 minutes drive of each other and still stay over at least 2 nights over Christmas so no one needs to be designated driver. I don’t feel bad about the in-laws at all, they’re now 80 and go and stay with their daughter for Christmas every year as she is on her own, it’s much more their type of Christmas Day.

I’m all for having Christmas exactly how you like, if that means hibernating on your own or going all out on celebrating, do it just how you want.

sometimes we go to my own family sometimes we go to my inlaws. last year went to my sis. which was nice as got to see here kids but god the food was vile. Gravy not meant to have a layer of water on top. Turkey had been cooked since 9am that morning and was a s dry as be f. we have hosted and yes when we do dinner is at 4pm. but if people are staying with us we don't get up till late have a huge breakfast and there is plenty to eat until dinner sweet or savoury. this year think we will have it by ourselves though nice to have one day to ourselves

We've done lots of different things over the years.
Some of what everyone does will be dictated by all the other people that are what you consider to be family.
So, what you do before dc may well change once you firstly have a baby, but then go on, over time to have dc2 and maybe 3 and 4. Then the dc start getting older.
It is dependent on if you can pop round to family, all living near by, or if it means going and staying for a few days.
It depends if there are other siblings involved. If there are grandparents involved. If siblings are then alternating with their in-laws and so forth.

However, no-one should be starving guests, or telling them they ought to put make up on.

What we do now, with one side of family, is arrange a day during the time between Christmas and New Year, where we all get together at one of our houses to exchange presents and spend the day together. We have a buffet and there is none of the 'pressure' of Christmas Day and trying to co-ordinate with out-laws and so on. It nice. relaxing and everyone (on that side of the family) gets to see each other at Christmas.

Sometimes it is just our 'house family' now at Christmas, and sometimes we invite siblings or parents, or occasionally we go to other people's, but not in huge numbers and it is all very relaxed.

I'm very lucky in that my own family and in-laws are all lovely. Some of my family have not been so lucky with in-laws and they're kind of tied into awkward arrangements of having to spend exactly the right amount of time with people so they don't get jealous. We do family stuff all Xmas day and boxing day. Having seen people I love be made extremely stressed by difficult in-laws I am determined to not add to that stress. If family with more awkward situations want us to go to them we will, if we're not going to someone else's we will automatically host whoever is also not going somewhere else. So basically we always fit in around whatever everyone else is doing and always offer to host if needed.

We've been at home since my first DC was wee. I just couldn't bear the thought of driving and staying anywhere when he was settled at home. I told both sets of parents they were welcome anytime.

My DH's parents came every year they could, mine didn't, but they went to my DSis instead.

My DC are in their twenties and thirties now but always come here for dinner, which is lovely. I cook dinner, they clear up.

The best Christmas I've ever had was 2020 for Covid. The DC all came along (two students so it was allowed) and it was the only Christmas it's just been our immediate family. It was so relaxed, I loved it.

Once was enough with my in-laws. MIL freely admits she can’t cook and doesn’t like cooking, yet insisted on cooking the most awful meal I’ve ever had in my life. The meat smelled off and I had stomach ache for two days after. She cooked enough food to feed a small army for four of us, and was standing over me constantly trying to put items on my plate and if I declined she got upset, if I didn’t eat everything she got upset. She wanted to make sure she’d given the most gifts so we got shit like Kleenex tissues and kitchen sponges wrapped up with gift tags and the unwrapping went on for what felt like hours, each gift more disappointing than the one before it.