To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

Just not an option. The fallout would be unbearable

@OhYeahOhYeah i don’t understand why as adults you’re afraid to plan your own Christmas .They sound like tyrants.

I've got a child and since have refused to leave my house between Christmas Christmas and boxing day and noone is allowed round either. I spend it with ky husband and child, its relaxed, filled with baking cookies on Christmas eve and watching a Christmas movie, playing with my kid all day Christmas and boxing day. ..we eat what we want. Sometimes it's a full roast which is prepared the night before and other times we've done a buffet it's about what we need and makes us happy. I've been away before on holiday over Christmas and loved it. Once ky kid stops believing in santa we'll do a few trips over the holiday season.

We have Christmas at home with no visitors or visiting others. And it's bloody bliss. We drink champagne in the morning and open pressies through out the day slowly (we have kids) we don't cook a Christmas dinner we have our favourite foods in, nibbles and cheeses etc. No pressure to do anything apart from enjoy the day, eat drink and be merry.
Works for us.

My in-laws are 3 hours in one direction and my family are 3 hours in the other. It's the only time of year I kind of wish they were closer cause I'd much prefer to just be able to pop round for an hour rather than having to commit to 2 or 3 days. I find visiting my ILs less stressful than them coming here but then I'd much prefer to stay here on Christmas day. My favourite Christmas was COVID Christmas when we weren't allowed to see anyone!.

OP YANBU - I'm just surprised you put up with it for so long.

I am following this post as currently having the same problems with MIL and FIL demanding we spend Christmas at their house every year! Last year we decided to give in and it was honestly awful and I left in tears on Boxing Day. MIL is very overbearing and took over all the Santa child stuff (leaving a drink out etc) on Christmas Eve with our 3 year old without asking and we found it very upsetting as wanted to create the traditions with our daughter. In the past they have guilt tripped us when we’ve said we want to be at home and even made very jealous comments about how I see my family more. I do see my family more- but they are a lot more chilled out and there isn’t the drama and expectation and control. This year my DH is going to have to put his big boy pants on and stand up for himself and say we are staying at home. No doubt all matter of guilt tripping will follow over the coming months…

Parcel up that guilt and give it to them for Christmas :-)
Well done for seeing their behaviour for what it is.

Xmas Eve morning until the 27th my house is more or less on lockdown. We visit no one, no one comes to visit. I collect my dad for lunch then he meets friends in the pub later. (This does not include older children especially this year as my granddaughter is a little older). We don’t go to respective families houses (I also never did this as a child). My children don’t want to be forced into fancy clothes and dragged around relatives they don’t usually see any other time of year. Since I adopted this mentality I’ve started to really enjoy Christmas

my parents do a quiet Christmas, they have my 23 y/o brother at home, and me and my older sister visit on or around Christmas to have some food and spend time. Then pretty much Christmas day afternoon we are off to my inlaws who host all their children, their partners and grandkids which last year was 11 adults and 4 grandkids 5 and under in total. Christmas day is spent prepping for dinner on boxing day as there is so many presents to open there is no time to cook, just cold ham, cheese, crackers etc

Boxing day is all about the big dinner. they cook a starter, the main is often 2 different meats with all the trimmings, then pudding, and then cheese. All day there is alcohol, and after dinner we stay at the table to play games, listen to music and keep drinking! Obviously there are sober adults to watch the kids.

It's a LOT and I always leave exhausted, but it's fun and nice for everyone to be together, there is a little bit of drama every year which I think is pretty normal and never lasts. I like that I can have a quiet Christmas with my side and then get ready for the works with my in laws.

I always made sure after I moved out that I saw my mum, even if only for an hour as she shouldn't have been alone on Christmas day and me doing this meant she got to see my son on his first Christmas when he was 7 weeks old. She died last year and MIL automatically assumed we'd be going to them. They drink alot (we dont) I don't like my BIL, my OH doesn't like his brother, they always tell you dinner will be served at insert time and its always at least an hour after said time that it's ready. Fine when it was just adults but there is a 3 year old and 2 year old who don't deal with hunger very well.
She insists on turkey which no one really wants. She only ever serves today's version of a Sarah Lee gateaux or a shop bought trifle. Don't get me wrong I love an asda trifle while watching strictly but not on Christmas day! Also and this is just a general annoyance that applies 365 days of the year, she always has the tele on. If she's not watching it you'd think she'd turn it off. No no no, she mutes it! The tele is on constantly. Then after a couple of drinks her and my FIL will start bickering. They don't argue they just nit pick at each other because deep down I think they are only still together for financial reasons- she relys on him- he'd have to give her half.
So yeah we have Christmas just the three of us, no turkey, no gateau, no muted TV and no starving toddler!

It’s a bit extreme to never spend Xmas day with them - there are plenty of options between not at all vs all day! Could you compromise - invite them over to you for brunch or later on for the evening? Or pop in to say hello swap a few pressies and go home?

My MIL is also a bossy cow and I dreaded Christmas too. I cut her off six years ago and it’s the best decision I made 😊 husband occasionally sees her with the kids but she’ll never grow up or change so I’d rather not bother. The family is full of drama too, so I quite enjoy a quiet Boxing Day on my own now with the TV and chocolate!

I always spend Christmas at my mums and she isn’t a Christmas fan so since my dad passed there’s no decorations, so it’s quite depressing going from my nicely decorated home to nothing. The only Christmas I’ve spent at home was 2020, when Boris banned me from leaving the area! I must say I quite enjoyed it. Not saying I don’t enjoy spending Christmas with my family as I do, but this year I can’t go as they’ve got a puppy and my dog hates puppies so it’s likely I’m having Christmas at mine again this year. Maybe I’ll pop down a week before but it’s 250 miles away. I will feel guilty but I did say in advance of puppy I couldn’t come this year if a puppy is there. Means cooking my own dinner again though!

Are you absolutely sure that for the next few decades you can put up with feeling like this? Isn't it better to have the storm of a fallout and arrange the rest of your life more how you want it, rather than be manipulated this way? 🌹

This is only unreasonable if you force your husband to stay home with you for the full day, when he’s used to being with his family in Christmas Day too. Does he want to stay home for the whole day, or can he go to his mother’s in the evening with the kids?

or can he go to his mother’s in the evening with the kids? Mil lives 60 miles away and DH can't drive. How will he get there? Zero chance inlaws will collect and drive him there.
My 5 year old dc also doesn't want to be uprooted from his presents to be bored at Mil's.

It’s a bit extreme to never spend Xmas day with them - there are plenty of options between not at all vs all day! Could you compromise - invite them over to you for brunch or later on for the evening? Or pop in to say hello swap a few pressies and go home? they live 60 miles away and DH can't drive - i am not spending an hour and a half driving there and the same back. I want to enjoy Christmas day and have a break from being the family chauffeur

Do you have parents/siblings on your side of the family who would want to see you on Christmas day? It's a bit odd to have done anything "every year" because in most situations there are at least 2 sides to the family.

Family Christmases at my parents house aren't very dissimilar to the ones at your MIL though waking up for stocking presents is more like 6:30am and there's no problem with getting snacks from the kitchen while the 3:30pm feast is assembled (and there will be canapes and other snacks regularly such that you're already feeling a bit full by the time lunch is served. And yes the party games are compulsory although it's my sister who enforces that. And no one has to watch tv. And I wear jeans if I want to and never wear makeup.

But we only have a big Christmas like that every few years because some years we go to MIL where it's much more relaxed and basically run like a normal year-round sunday lunch with the addition of crackers on the table and presents around the tree but its all very low key. And occasionally we choose to stay at home for Christmas day and visit the two families before and after. And sometimes when we go to my parents it's all a bit less manic as my sisters aren't there due to it being their turn to see their own inlaws. So it all mixes about and I appreciate the good points of each kind of Christmas but never do any one kind often enough to be sick of it.

Yanbu to stay at home if that works for you. How does dh feel?

I ruddy love Christmas Day now! Kids are older & we just stay home, chill, do what we like, watch what we like, wear what we like, eat when we like...it's fab! Kids can play with their stuff & they reckon their "best Christmas ever!" was when they spent the day in new onesies & didn't have to get dressed! 😆

The run up to & the days afterwards are often a busy, family & friends filled social whirl but Christmas Day is now utterly sacred for just us! We don't give a crap what anyone says or thinks - each to their own.

We have Xmas day at home with my dad and my sister then go in-laws for Boxing Day. We have a l lovely time. In laws are a bit specific on things but not to extreme of your experience op! It's also very child friendly

Like others covid forced us to break the tradition of Christmas with ILs and we haven't gone back since. I spent too many Christmases feeling lonely in a house full of people.