To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

My PILs live(d) in another (distant) country so we never spent Christmas with them. Due to cost at that time rather than not wanting to. Would have loved to! Every Christmas was at my parents with my DH and DC plus my sibling and family. In our 20s DH and I would stay from Christmas Eve until 27/28th but as we got older and had DC we went Christmas Day after opening presents and back Boxing Day Eve. It was always fun. Great food and drink (dinner at 4pm but with loads of nibbles and bubbles!). Covid we were on our own and my good friend joined and I loved being home and not having to travel. Parents are now too old/ill to travel/host, etc so we do CD here and visit them BDay. Suspect soon DC will have plans and we might be on our own so may go away with DH somewhere warm!

Why??

...Sorry..

If I’d gone to the effort of hosting Christmas and someone turned up wearing a tracksuit I’d be pissed off too

Why?

My children are adults now and I've never really 'done' Xmas other than one or 2 days of children and boyfriend and his 2 same aged children. A Xmas tree, a roast, some nice snacks/treats and presents but nothing really different to a standard weekend.
I'm solo now so don't really bother but on occasions have joined sister and her young family on boxing day.
I've had boring day with my parents but only really called into boyfriends parents....I don't think I've ever sat in the lounge with them and would never have eg made a cuppa or helped myself to a treat.

Aposterhasnoname · Yesterday 09:15

Dinner at 4am? Was that a typo?

No, they have dinner at 4am! Of course it’s a typo!

Op - YANBU at all

Until this year we spend it at home.
We are working this year so hosting Christmas for quite a few people

At my house as a kid, my DSis and I used to have a competition to see who could get my evil mother drunk the quickest. We started this when I was about 12 and saw someone put whisky in their coffee on TV.

She used to drink coffee with cream at Christmas so it was easier to disguise. She'd also have bucks fizz and we would add more booze to it.

Our earliest was midday. She would be spectacularly drunk and would tell us how we were a disappointment and she hated us all. She'd then pass out. One year she actually fell off her chair. My dad would then carry her up to bed and come back and join us.

When I was 14 he caught us. He never said a word other than "don't let her catch you". Which made me realise he wasn't happy either.

We always had a great day after she was plastered and in bed. I don't regret it at all

Controversial but I don’t like spending Christmas with just dp & the kids (although I love them.) It doesn’t feel like Christmas. We have everyone round ours… do the presents etc early in the morning alone, then everyone turns up around lunch time. Last year there were 12 of us, I think this year there may be 2-4 more. Yes it’s very busy & chaotic but I kind of love that, & I also don’t mind my in laws. Realise I am very lucky!

Well done for seeing her controlling behaviour for what it is and standing up for yourself. It took me years to do the same and it's wonderfully liberating. Enjoy Christmas your way - she will have to respect your wishes, and compromise if she wants to enjoy Christmas with you.

Stick to your guns op.
Everyone welcome to come to ours is also good advice

I’ve said so many times on here, 20 odd years of us hosting my mother for Christmas Day
It may not seem much, but it’s every year, and I dread Christmas.
The older ones fight and argue, we don’t watch anything we’d like, well no one does really, and spend all day cooking.
We’ve had arguments for weeks before when we didn’t want a traditional roast.
Utterly sick and dread Christmas.

I’d like sandwiches, perhaps some soup, cake.
Just a relaxing day. And it never is.
Huge expense that I can’t afford, and no one happy

I know I will regret it when she can no longer come for the day, it’s just it’s been for so long with little break, maybe three times in over 20 odd years

I have hosted Christmas every year since my daughter was born. DM is deceased but my 89 y.o DF continues to be an outstanding cook. We all can cook and that really helps. We prep and cook together and have a fantastic meal. DC are now in 20s so few gifts and DF stopped adult gifts years ago something I highly recommend…but occasionally I still gift something that is perfect for DB or other family member. We have grazing with cheese and ham and drinks all day and several desserts. I love to decorate and the house is lovely and I enjoy sharing it. Every year is a bit different as who attends and the time is flexible but I have moved the time from 1 or 2 pm to 4 pm so cooking is easier. We have had bad guests…..a grotesquely clogged toilet, family who forgot the salad and brought a half eaten ham and a clueless uncle who brought his sister (my aunt) with a clearly BROKEN ankle from a fall the previous night who had to be directly taken to hospital but we laugh about that now. I have never had in laws altho married twice who celebrated so it’s all my family. And my childhood was exactly the same just in my mothers house or grandmothers and again all fabulous cooks who were generous with their time talents and homes.

I don't do Christmas. I might have a cheese and ham sandwich.

Or I might be on a beach thousands of miles away.

I don't celebrate anything or get dressed up for anyone or anything.

Sorry,but you lost me at the dinner at 4am!

Or I might be on a beach thousands of miles away

You can celebrate Christmas Day on the beach thousands of miles away. I have done it more than once. Loads of other families were doing the same thing. MILs everywhere.

People have their own expectations of Christmas day that rarely align with those of others. My mil wanted Christmas at our house to be like the ones she enjoyed in the late 1970s when all her family were still alive, when the women giggled and drank sherry all day and the men sat watching tv and were waited on hand and foot. Unsurprisingly enough, the day at our house never measured up to her expectations and she was insufferable about it all. One of the first things that occurred to me after she died was that we were free from all that. I'm older now than she was when she started coming to ours, and I can't imagine behaving like she did.

I am in total 100% agreement with you. Absolutely my feelings, every part of your comment. Are we twins separated at birth perhaps 😂

DH and I used to alternate Christmas. One year at my parents' house (4 hours away) the next year at his parents' (1 hour away.) When we had DC that stopped. I have memories of being a child and being dragged to my grandparents' house when I just wanted to stay home and play with my toys so from the first Christmas of having DDs we have stayed at home and said people are welcome to come to us but we won't be travelling anywhere on the 25th. Some years friends have come over, other years we've hosted family and often it's just been the four of us but it's always been lovely and relaxed.

We tend to see my in laws on Christmas Eve and travel to my family between Christmas and New Year where we swap presents. It's great and means that the festivities aren't for just one day and DDs end up getting essentially three Christmases.

We usually stayed at home when the DC were small, occasionally with my mother visiting. Now the DC are adults we have largely given it up, although we will have a big family gathering with a lovely meal at some point during the winter.

I like going away for a few days, walks on the beach or dales are fantastic, or if we are at home I like the quiet time to do some DIY, do a few craft projects or get on with my tax return.

I think it is so sad that families tie themselves in knots about who visits who, or endure misery and discomfort. We have told our DC that they must never feel they have to host or visit if they have other plans. We see them regularly, there is no need to insist on one specific day.

Is it your mum that’s the problem, is she the one insisting on a traditional roast or is it just Christmas Day in general?
You’ve got three months to change this.
Get them all together and lay down the law.

1)Christmas Day is for everyone to enjoy, and that means compromises from everyone.
2)The one doing the cooking decides on the menu. If anyone wants different then they’d better prepared to be the kitchen slave for the day because last years kitchen slave has had enough.
3)The ones not doing the cooking help out, lay the table and clean up afterwards.
4)There will be NO arguing this year. At all. So much as a raised eyebrow will not be tolerated.
5) Decide on a film all agree on and stick to it.

my partner takes our daughter to his parents for the sake of her seeing his side of the family and I stay at home. Only a couple of hours but it’s crap not having that time with my daughter on Christmas. However, I put a podcast on, make a Baileys hot choc or mulled wine and tidy round so it’s nicer to chill on Boxing Day! It was hard at first but I’d much rather that than spend a minute with the in laws on Christmas. It’s such a special day and I couldn’t have them and their crappy attitude spoil it for me! Long story short my mil turned into a domineering control freak as soon as I fell pregnant. After a few years of tolerating her, it changed for the worst when her daughter fell pregnant. Now she’s my partners problem and I don’t deal with them at all! Life’s too short

Every year, I hope to get away with not seeing MIL. I can’t stand the woman; she literally makes my skin crawl. I love Christmas and I hate cooking, so I just like to eat crap all day and stay in my pjs.

DH and I fall out about it every year but it’s worth it for the years she doesn’t come over.

I dread the enforced time with my OutLaws every sodding Christmas . Much like a lot of families we alternate each year between my family and Husband’s. Causes arguments every fucking year. Without fail. SIL MIL BIL are just asshats. FIL passable and DH niece and nephew usually hungover and mute. My two DD’s go with the flow. I sit quiet and try to avoid convo and just engage with my kids. Which is who I want to spent my Christmas with!

I would honestly sooner eat a turd than spend time with them. Miserable day, no fun, shite food, awful taste in drinks. Just plain fucking awful.

I love Christmas but from around end of Sept, the dread starts to creep in and I just want to disappear them, with a wand.

On flip side, it is always a laugh with my family. Polar opposite in fact…..

@OhYeahOhYeah why dint you just stay home and have your own immediate family Christmas?

Only spent it once with the in laws and never again. They use to do a Boxing day thing but not done that for the last few years which I'm glad of, house stinks of smoke all big drinkers and step BIL GF a nightmare. Covid was the best excuse to break all the traditions and we have stuck our ground since. Meet up with my sister and see everyone else at some point in the holiday but Xmas Day/Boxing day is for us now.