To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

I’ve never spent Christmas at my in-laws’ house and hope to never have to; they’re terrible hosts at ordinary times, don’t enjoy food, no one speaks at mealtimes, and the TV is left on all day. My MIL once said in passing she thought Christmas trees were a waste of time; I won’t put me or DC through the misery.

We alternate between staying at home (hard work), going to my parents (hard work but many hands make light of it), or doing a big extended family thing in a holiday cottage (hardly any work with that many people, but £££).

Well done for making that decision to stay at home! Don’t waste anymore time thinking about past Christmases, just be happy that you’ve taken back control.

So your poor kids have to leave all their presents from you at your house and not see them for two days? Sod that. Why can't you have it one year at yours for their sakes?

OP, I think you should take some lovely cheese and pickle sandwiches with you. Get them out at midday and make a point of eating them.

You weren't allowed anything to eat until 4pm? God, no wonder you hated it. Christmas Day is for grazing and still sitting down to demolish a full turkey dinner.

Does your DH stay at home with you? What was your MIL's reaction to you opting out?

I wouldn’t repeatedly do something that made me miserable.

We don’t have a set Christmas routine. It could be with parents of either side of the family or with friends. At home or abroad.

Dress code depends on the circumstances. Long dress with heels to a string bikini with flip flops.

We decided after one horrendous Xmas spent up and down motorways when our DC was little to visit both sides that we weren't going anywhere from then on. If people want to see us, they come to ours. If not, no worries. The trade is having to host but I don't mind it if it means collapsing on my own sofa with a glass of fizz at the end of the day.

YANBU

I think of all the holidays I spent with XPILS that were utterly bloody miserable. I think I didn’t put my foot down because I knew it would be the end of my marriage (it was)

Just ignore MILS complaining. DH should be dealing with her anyway, is he repeating this back to you? Tell him you don’t want to hear it.

Us too. We regularly did a 250mile journey on Christmas day so MIL could see the children. Until we decided that it was in no one's best interest (least of all the DC) to spend hours on the motorway network.

My in laws were awful to me whenever I had to spend Christmas day with them (we alternated with my family). Years I put up with it for my DH sake. They were horrid, made me feel unwelcome, wouldn't talk to or involve me at all. The first Christmas with my twin babies we spent with them and true to form they were even more horrible than usual. I vowed then we would never spend another Christmas with his family and we never have, bliss!

I endured a couple of hideous Christmas days at MILs.
Including one where we ate at 8pm. We were expected not to eat all day in case we ‘spoiled’ the meal. She had a huge tantrum because we ate a sandwich about 1pm. She and FIL locked themselves in the kitchen all day grazing on food. DH and I sat in the living room all day alone watching tv. So very odd.
Dinner was small, overcooked and awful. Wasn’t really even a Christmas dinner. Gave me stomach ache. At 9pm MIL brought out a massive pile of sandwiches made with things like jar paste and sandwich spread and had another tantrum because we didn’t want them.

she was forced to come to ours and we usually ate late afternoon. I make a proper big Christmas dinner. She absolutely hated it. Great for me. I remember dreading Christmas all year if we went to hers.

It's a shame your husband could not have seen it from your perspective and stepped in to support you over all those years - is he afraid of his mother?

Since I've had kids we've always stayed at home and invited people to come to us. Some years we've had a houseful and some years only a handful. Only exception has been a couple of years recently when elderly relatives have been too ill to travel and we've gone to them. In both of those cases it was the person's last Christmas so even though they weren't necessarily they way we would have done Christmas we know we did the right thing. Offer to host OP and if they turn you down that's on them.

I agree. We eat Christmas lunch at lunchtime. It is usually a late lunch, but still lunch.

None of us can go from breakfast to 4pm without feeling uncomfortably hungry.

Before we had kids we would either go to his family or mine- no set routine.
After children- we had Christmas Day at home, open house for whichever parents chose to come. Normally DM stayed with us for a few days, sometimes his parents came for dinner, but normally they went to Bils. (After bils children arrived, they never spent any of Christmas with us again)

Now I am the Mil and both my adult children prefer to spend Christmas Day at home with their families Sometimes we go to DD, this year it's DS. We all get together at some point.

I hosted Christmas for years, Mil hosted before then- now I fit in with my DC.
Things my change again as the grandkids grow up- who knows?

The point is: do what is best for you and your children- have your own Christmas at home- do what you want to do. Mil has had things her way, now it's your turn!

When we first got married ( nearly 40 years ago) we said we wanted to spend our first Christmas in our own home. We'd moved miles away and neither set of parents would of come

We had such a lovely time and we knew if we went home we would have to alternate between families and DH had never had a good Christmas though he'd seen my family Christmas we which was always enjoyable

So we made the decision to always have Christmas in our own home though family was welcome to join us. MIL and my folks came twice each. My Mum did have a bit of a sulk about it and now goes abroad.

I have to admit it has stung a bit that she would rather go abroad than spend Christmas with her grandkids, she also won't go to my DB's, but I have to accept she made her decision like we made ours

So the upshot is we gave a very peaceful Christmas myself OH and the two boys. Every year I realise that DS1 in his 30's could go elsewhere but obviously that's fine

Your MIL could be my DM. I can 100% imagine someone being uncomfortable in our house because dm and I get dressed up and love it and the lads used to opt for trackies- although we all end up there. And dinner is at 4pm and there's an implicit understanding that you don't go into the kitchen before then and interfere with anything- just live off champagne and quality street. It works for us and we love it but I can imagine db bringing home someone and them not living it. Although I'd hope we'd cop on to that.

I think 3 or 4 pm is a perfectly normal time for roast dinner, in fact it’s my preference, can’t imagine eating at 1pm for example. We have a later breakfast on a Sunday/Christmas so it’s all relevant.

However, I absolutely wouldn’t stop anyone else eating before hand, that’s
just weird. As are a lot of the other things the op mentioned.

We have 3 DDs and we learned very quickly after DD1 was born how stressful and impractical it was to spend Christmas on the road. So we just stopped doing it.

That was 27 years ago and we have spent it at home ever since, just me, DH and the DDs normally. We go out for Christmas Dinner at a local hotel just 10 minutes walk away.

When PILs were alive they did occasionally come and join us, which was nice. They usually stayed in the hotel too.

I'm fully expecting over the next few years that our DDs (all now in their twenties) may decide to go and spend it elsewhere with their partners, but so far they don't seem to be doing that.

The dressing up or being in tracksuit bottoms doesn't bother us. We go fairly smart casual, but in reality I never even notice what others are wearing.

Oh, and anyone, MIL or other, who told me to put make-up on and make a better effort for Christmas Day would get very short shrift from me. I hate make-up and don't do it.

Christmas is always so tricky. No family can be in two places at once, so one set of parents misses out. Quite a lot of people prefer friends to family, but that’s not allowed. There’s an enormous amount of pressure to make that one day special, especially for kids, and that in itself makes the whole thing less enjoyable. Why do we do it?

It has always been a source of tension in my family because I was never bothered about Christmas and was raised in a family that didn’t care (one present, no tree or decs) whereas my wife may as well have been raised by Mr and Mrs Claus - house and garden festooned with decorations, half a dozen trees, presents for three days running, tree and cracker presents, very set ways of doing things because of their traditions etc.

We used to go there when the kids were little, and I found it stifling to the point of really dreading it. People barely went outside for three days and it honestly felt like I was trapped!

My escape was them moving to our home town. Now I can just walk home! That’s probably of no use to OP but just to say that YANBU.

We do one year Christmas Day with my family and Boxing Day with in laws and then swap the year after.

I get on fine with my in laws though so I enjoy it. Although obviously both families have different traditions etc but I find it best to just throw yourself into it.

We used to take it in turns at each set of family each year.
We then started doing our own Christmases including being away until covid hit then had 2 at ours which we enjoyed.

My FIL died and my MIL is narcissistic DH didn't want to spend it with her at all (he only wanted to in the past due to his dad), neither does SIL. MIL does woe is me to all her friends but happily spends it with her secret/not so secret bf who she has been with for multiple years even before FIL died.

Last few have been with my parents as my DDad also has cancer. This year will be at my parents again and we will see MIL in between somewhere out as she won't allow DH to the house....(because she moved her bf in 1 month after FIL died and thinks her children don't know)

I don't have any family on my side so we always had to go to pils and I found it a terrible strain. They were nice people, but I always felt 'on duty' and just wanted to relax at home. It was incredibly boring as well. They were too far away to just visit, so we had to stay for about three nights. I never got a chance to do my own Christmas traditions and I ended up massively resenting the situation. I totally regret not putting my foot down.

Since having children, we've stayed at home. The grandparents (both local) come for lunch 12-4pm then go. We spend the evening relaxing and drinking and eating lots of cheese. I like to do a jigsaw puzzle at Christmas.
No long journeys, no blow -up beds, no arguments, just a lovely time.

Oh I despise people who do this at Christmas.

I'm an only child who's parents went through a bitter divorce when I was 7.

Consequently, my Dad forced me to go to his parents every year and listen to them bitch about my mother and sit under a bright lamp with a loud tele on all day. Just me and three very miserable adults. They all stared at me when I opened a present to the point I refused to open them and was called ungrateful.

I'm autistic and couldn't sleep for weeks leading up to it, I dreaded Christmas until adulthood.

People really need to stop the shitty power games at Christmas.

Christmas is about the kids.