To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

We used to take it in turns to either go to my mums or have ILs here. Since Covid we have spent the day here just me, DH and the 2 DC. And I bloody love it!

ILs make no attempt at Christmas fuss which is fine by me and we host my family either a few days before or after the big day with a little buffet and gifts. Works perfectly for us.

We used to go my family, DH's, home on a cycle but now we have DS we stay at home and eat all day!

We don't have our parents any more sadly. But right from the beginning we spent some of Christmas Eve with in-laws and Boxing Day with my parents. Usually just having a meal with each none of this extended day bollocks.
But we did visit both sets most weekends anyway which people don't seem to do any more. I do remember inviting in-laws to ours one year and being told no because they always went to sil, even when we asked a year in advance they said no. DH was quite hurt by that and sil told me privately that she would have liked a Christmas on their own.

We normally have mum round here .. I do moan a bit, as she can be a bit tricky. However, she had a massive stroke 10 weeks ago, and now needs 24hr care, in a nursing home … can’t believe she’ll never come for Christmas again.
My in laws come over Christmas Eve

@OrigamiOwl

4pm isn't a normal time to eat... Who eats their main meal at 4pm on a normal day? Without being allowed in the kitchen for any food earlier in the day?”

you don’t need to go in the kitchen to make food, just have some chocolate and Buck’s Fizz

It IS a perfectly normal time to eat 🤣

For years we hosted my parents and my elderly great aunt. My parents were no problem. The great aunt was a nightmare! She wanted to see the children open their presents and she would bring gifts that had to be opened as soon as she was in the door where a cup of tea would be waiting for her. This was after someone had driven the 40 mile round trip to collect her - a good hour and a half to get there, get her in to the car and back to us (all repeated at the end of the day as well). Everything had to be done her way - she would bring odd things like half used colouring books and broken toys from her neighbour and would be upset that the children weren't interested in them. We loved her dearly though and that's why we put up with it all.

When she died Christmas became a peaceful fun time geared around the children. When my mum's mobility meant she could no longer come into our house (first floor living room) she started going to my cousin and her family. After DF died we went there a couple of times but then we stayed home and it became even more relaxed with just us and the children who were nearly all adults by then.

After they started leaving home and getting married we have just had a variety of kids on Christmas Day. Last year was our first year on our own. We were determined to make it fun anyway. We dressed up in Christmas clothes, had a joint of lamb for dinner and watched tv.

This year all five of the kids and their spouses are home for Christmas together with new babies and inlaws (not staying with us I should add!) so we have hired a village hall for three days. DSil is organising the food and each family will be responsible for bringing something including drinks. DDil is in charge of decorating and each family is going to bring glasses and crockery from a charity shop so noone has to worry about anything precious. Not including babies we will be at least 17, maybe 24 for lunch with a selection of cousins and extended family in the afternoon.

We alternate Christmas, one year we have lunch with my family and the next year with dh's family. They both live locally and we both have siblings who have moved away but come back for Christmas, so if we have lunch with my family we have to see dh's family on boxing day/christmas eve and vice versa as everyone is home. It is an exhausting couple of days but I do appreciate that I've never had to cook/host.
Before we had our son we used to drive around on Christmas day seeing both families but I put a stop to that when ds was born in the winter and I didn't want to do it with a tiny baby.

I dont do christmas at all not done it in years.
I spend the whole time doing me time or i just grab my passport and leave on the 23 come home after new year.
I never liked christmas as a child too much faffing and out doing the next.
I did try one year but it was tooooo much with seeing family members that i dont see throughout the year.
Dont get me started on the xmas decs its just not me none of it.

Yanbu to stay at home she sounds painful and whi dictates when and what another adult can eat like that.

However I am a bit of an outlier on mn as we spent our first Christmas just us and dc last year and hated it. Felt it was missing something and children felt the same way so this year we are going to family.

Really?! I haven't even finished work by then, nevermind started cooking!

And I think it's strange to fully dress up to go and eat a cooked dinner at your inlaws house 😆

I don't blame you op your mil sounds like a controlling bossy boots. Who the fuck doesn't let their guests get a snack in the day before 4pm.

Well done for (eventually) putting your foot down, OP - I think I’d have done it a lot sooner!

No such dramas here, I’ve been very lucky.

We lived in the Middle East for several years and once asked MiL and FiL whether they’d like to join us - weather was perfect there in December.

FiL immediately said no way, couldn’t possibly leave the house in December, what if the pipes froze, etc. (they lived in London, not the frozen North.).

Good old MiL, who for decades had cooked Christmas dinner for the hordes in a tiny kitchen, said, ‘Well, you can do what you like - I’m going!’

In the end they both came, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

The first time that DH and I (before we were married) had Christmas on our own was bliss. It had never been a big deal when I was a child ( no dressing up, etc) so I couldn't understand all the rules at MIL's place, a bit like yours. But the biggie was the full- blown arguments at the table! Fil, Mil, DH and his siblings all rowing about politics! Plus I was vegetarian. So we started to do our own, and now with the dch we have our own traditions. Thankfully the ILs' house is too small for all of us now so we see them before it after Christmas. MIL was very annoyed at first but accepted it after a few years. Now that my Dch are grown up and have got partners I realise that they might do it to me - although we've had various partners at ours over the years so it hasn't happened yet!

I love Christmas. I am the MIL and an ancient one at that. DSs and their kids come here. One DS, partner and their DC stay for a few days as they live a couple of hours drive away. Other DS and kids are local but when the kids were young they all used to stay overnight on Christmas Eve. Now they are 20 and 18 and 30 that’s not going to happen.
The great thing is they all get on. The two DILS are great friends and DS’s kids love his partner, one of the DILS. They go to their mum for Christmas lunch then return here for dinner here at 6, seemingly with unabated appetites.
I do all the ‘fancy’ cooking, cake, mince pies etc etc, DH sees to Christmas dinner and does a great job.
I am now feeling in a Christmas mood just for writing this!

We did one Christmas with the in laws and that was enough.

I remember being made to hand the presents out to everyone from under the tree… so I’d be there saying “to Liz from Bob” and I had no idea who these people were and I felt so uncomfortable but DH’s mum insisted on it as it was my first Christmas with them apparently that meant I had to.

DP and Siblings all live walking distance from each other while we live 7-8 miles away. First Christmas with DS (he was 3 weeks old and I was still in pain from an epiostomy) we were forced to bundle him up and go to them as ‘it was more convenient’ for everyone. This is despite every consideration being made for my sil and DSis when they had young babies at Christmas. Since then nobody has ever thought about us in the slightest - they arrange Christmas to suit them and we don’t get even the slighest input. My offers to host get turned down with ‘it’s too far’ while apparently no location is ever too far for us to drive.

We have Christmas at home, it's too overwhelming travelling, get up about 10am bucks fizz and blinis, open presents ring round rellies tosay merry Christmas, cook dinner for about 5pm, go for a walk whilst cooking, eat dinner clean up. Out a movie on, pick from the fridge if hungry later.

We do our own now. It’s just a nice Sunday dinner, really.
Mum & Dad are invited but they don’t want the stress of my DH (understandably!) so their own thing. Sister goes to her MIL as they have a big happy family scenario going on there. I’ll pop in to Mum & Dad on the day or we’ll all get together on Boxing Day. Not including my DH, who spoils things. In-laws don’t feature, as they have a strange family dynamic.

Yanbu op. My mil was very similar, with the addition of if I didn't appear to be endlessly grateful for, and not in the least bit hurt or put out by, the cheap tat she'd bought me (always obviously and significantly less effort than what was bought for everyone else) I was a selfish and ungrateful cow.

For example, one year part of her present was a gorgeous and fairly expensive set of pj's from m&s, exactly the style she likes. She also got some smellies she likes and various other quite thoughtful gifts.

I had seen her in very similar styles of pj's for years and she'd told me she loves new ones so was quite sure she'd like what was picked.

She had only ever seen me in pj's when ds was a newborn. I got a cheap set from a market stall, in a colour she knows I never wear, with seams already coming apart before they'd even made it out of the plastic bag they were in, in completely the wrong size. I also got a Bayliss and harding gift set.

The crappy gifts weren't due to a lack of money, she just never liked or approved of me and liked to make it abundantly clear.

I have since split with exdp and don't plan on wasting one single second more of any Christmas in her presence. I work for the NHS so have the opportunity to work Christmas day. So that's exactly my plan this year.

Ds is 10, so I have explained that he will get two Christmases this year. One with his father and exmil, and one with me and my family. He seemed quite enamoured with this idea, especially after being told that I had spoken to santa, and he would visit twice as well

I would give anything to spend another Xmas with my late MIL, she was the exact opposite of your MIL OP by the sounds of it, I don’t blame you at all.

Surely a) they have presents to open and play with at whoever's house and b) take some of them with you so they can play with them?
That's what I did when we had to go to family

4pm sounds like a good time to me.
No kids left in the house, everyone sleeps late, eats breakfast about 10 or 11 and so were hungry again by 4. the meal lasts ages and sometimes we're still nibbling at pudding or cheese and crackers at 7 or 8.
But if she is dictating everything and making you get up at 7am and banning you from the kitchen and enforcing games or TV then sod it, enjoy your day without her.

We usually alternate years with our respective parents as no one in either of our families lives anywhere near each other so Christmas is a chance to see people.

This will be the last year we are away from home however as our son will be 4 next year and we want him to have Christmas at home as he grows up. We will be inviting parents to come to us however!

So glad neither of our families tries to dictate what everyone does at Christmas. (Except one of my siblings who is exuberant and can be a bit pushy with grand plans but I tend to be the grumpy one saying no thank you!)