To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

I just don't bother celebrating Xmas.

So I get to do (almost) exactly what I want, obviously not able to go shopping but otherwise I eat what I want and do what I want.

It IS a perfectly normal time to eat

4pm is a normal time to eat Christmas dinner for some people, but not for us.
For health reasons DH needs to eat regular meals and can't eat late, and I like eating the main Christmas meal at lunch time and having the whole afternoon to digest it.

YANBU. DP and I always did Christmases separately to appease parents, we then had one awful Christmas with MIL and jointly decided we aren't putting ourselves through that again.

There is a whole world of difference between adapting to someone's rules because they're hosting and you love them (eg. Eating at their preferred time, letting them be in charge of the kitchen, maybe dressing up a bit if it truly matters to them) and making yourself miserable trying to follow their rules even though you'll never be good enough, which sounds like what you're describing. I think people who've never experienced the latter assume you're getting overly hung up about the former and don't get how difficult this is.

Do you get the sense MIL gets something out of you being there? If yes, worth considering finding ways to make it bearable and know you're doing a kind thing. If no, don't martyr yourself!

I've hosted Xmas for far too long. But my now adult kids I am absolutely clear. Come if you want. If you want to go to partners parents, stay at home, go abroad, spend the day in bed I care not. Once my dmum is no longer in the picture, I will hang up my Christmas Apron and spend the day on the beach!

Since having DC we have Christmas at home and alternate hosting my parents and DHs parents. My DF isn't well at the moment and it's their year coming to us but if he's not up to it we'll go to my parents instead but I'll do the cooking at theirs as it will stress my DM out otherwise and I enjoy doing it.

Usually have my Dm,Db & Dmil last year Dh’s Db and family came and we had a Christmas Dinner then they left early evening
This year Dh is working away until Christmas Eve so we are just having family over for tea and we will have a roast on Boxing Day just me,Dh and Dd
I couldn’t care less about Christmas I would quite happily go away to a remote cottage somewhere and just read and eat cheese

Nope. Last Christmas I spent it at home heavily pregnant (that’s how we got out of the almost court summons to appear) and this year it’s my baby’s first Christmas, no way am I spending it in that ghastly woman’s house. I’ll be spending it building new Christmas traditions for the three of us.

If you want Christmas exactly how you like it then you host it.
If you're going to the bother of organising, hosting, shopping, cooking, etc (as your MIL was) - then you get to choose how the day goes.

I have a mother that controls Xmas day. Not to your mil extent, but if me and my partner and kids said we wanted to spend Xmas day alone at home there would be outrage! It's so frustrating isn't it.

if there is one thing worse than no breakfast or brunch, it’s having chocolate instead bleeurrgh

if there is one thing worse than no breakfast or brunch, it’s having chocolate instead bleeurrgh

I agree. It doesn't go well with wine. If I need to snack I would far rather have something salty with my wine.

@midlifecrash

you don’t need to have chocolate, just have booze 🤷‍♀️

basically what I’m saying is - it’s Christmas Day. Normal eating goes out the window. You’re not gonna have breakfast, lunch, and dinner like a normal day. It’s more likely a big Christmas dinner and a bit of snacks.

it’s Christmas Day. Normal eating goes out the window. You’re not gonna have breakfast, lunch, and dinner like a normal day. It’s more likely a big Christmas dinner and a bit of snacks.

We still eat breakfast on Christmas day, but lunch is later than normal and we don't bother with an evening meal. We might nibble on some leftovers later, but that's it.

Well done for breaking free of it OP. Your MIL sounds like my mother.

Lockdown gave me the final excuse I needed to not “go home” I.e. to my parents as Xmas. I’d found it utterly depressing for years - my mothers insistence that everything be exactly as it always is, being picked at constantly, treated like a child and frankly bored out of my mind because they literally just watch shit tv all day. I’ve now had three great Xmas - with partner and friends, and then on holiday with partner. No tv at all, food I actually want to eat, going for a run/walk/doing some sports. Bliss.

100% stick with having your own Xmas.

I made a rule when we got together of "no relatives at Xmas", and 30+ years later we continue to stick to it. Mainly we just ignore the whole thing, but it's also nice to go away on holiday too. The point being, you can do whatever you like - there are no rules.

I love my in laws but we don't sit down for our 5 course xmas dinner until 9pm. It's a long fucking day and by then I'm so hungry I'd eat the table

Then the party games go on all night and I got eyebrows for going to bed at 3am. After being woken for xmas breakfast at 8am the morning before.

I've never been one for scheduled fun 😂🤦‍♀️

@RampantIvy

same here

I am not married, so no in laws to contend with.
And I realise I am fairly lucky with my family.

We celebrate Christmas Eve, so that is the main event.

Always at my moms, with the whole extended family. A thousand people in the kitchen, making the 3 main courses.

Dinner is always schedules for 9pm, but it is rare we ever start before 10pm (though things are getting better, with prep time starting earlier!). The we open presents at midnight. Years ago, it was a case of one present at a time, and everyone would have to show it off, but now we do several presents at a time, so that had cut down on present opening massively, and usually by 2am we are done!

People do make an effort to dress up, at least slightly (my mom and I go extra, cause thats just who we are), there are no fights, no drama, just food and drink and love! There is always between 17 and 35 people, depending on years, as some of our guests split Christmas with other families.

The last few Christmas days I have spent at home with my husband and my adult children will visit too.

I normally visit my inlaws for a few days from Boxing day onwards (they live 4 hours away) but not this year. I've had enough of doing it and it makes me dislike the Christmas period. I'm visiting them with my husband in November because wider family will be staying in the area at that time, but said he can visit them on his own for the post Christmas visit.

MIL is a misery guts and I can't take it one more year at Christmas! All she does is moan and complain so I'm taking a step back now.

You’d be pissed off at what someone decided to wear? What a strange thing to be annoyed about on Christmas Day. I wouldn’t care less, let people be comfortable and enjoy themselves

I’m gearing myself up for the “where we’ll spend Christmas” conversation with DH. Last year was the first time in 6 years we spent it with my family, I know he’ll want to go to his mums this year but I just don’t want to. We live 600 miles from my sister (my mum and dad live round the corner from us), so Christmas is one of only 3 times a year we get to see her. MIL lives 80 miles away and never ever visits us, same as SIL and her husband, I don’t want to miss out on time with my sister when his family could visit us any time and have chosen never to do so. I also do not want to go to mass, ever again.

My family know better than to invite me for xmas, I can't stand it and refuse to have anything to do with it. On the few occasions I have been coerced long in the past now it has been horrible.

Last year there was a thread the opposite of this with the hostess with the most-ess complaining of in-laws not joining in with all their carefully crafted plans!

YANBU OP.

I went abroad for years to avoid having to spend it with my parents after my father deliberately picked a row with my at 7pm on Christmas Eve one year. My mother made it into this huge circus and heaven help anyone who didn't have a fixed smile on their face all day. My father disliked spending money on it. I was the jam in the sandwich.

I do very little now, spend it on my own, have a nice lunch, buy myself some nice gifts. It's great.

I hosted once, never again. MIL wasn’t even that bad to me, but she talked down to me and it was lots of forced fun. Never ever again and now we do Christmas alone. Last year we did party food. This year we are going away with the dogs to a cosy cottage.