To never spend Christmas day with Mil again? And how do you spend Christmas day?

[ChristmasAtMil]

For years I would spend Christmas day and Boxing day at Mil’s. It ruined so many Christmas’s and it got to the point I actually dreaded Christmas. Mil would try to control everything and you were seen as unreasonable if you did not want to go along with what they were doing – like join them watching TV (that they always picked) or play Christmas games. If you wanted some time alone or to just watch and not join in with the games she would complain to DH. She would complain to DH that I was not talking enough. Mil would also try to suggest I wear certain clothes and wear makeup to “make an effort on Christmas day”. Bil can rock up in sweat pants put I need to make more effort apparently. They would also knock on your door at 7am until you joined them to open presents. Dinner was served at 4am and you were not allowed to use kitchen beforehand. The whole day was dictated to you, and you no matter what you gave into there was always more demands and you were unreasonable if you did not want to. So I decided why am I bothering – I will spend Christmas day the way I want – at home. Since doing this I finally am starting to enjoy Christmas again. I just ignore the complaints from Mil about not going. I also still have a lot of resentment about all the Christmas they ruined and also ashamed of myself for putting up with it for so long.

How do you spend Christmas? Any unreasonable demands from family or inlaws?

Who on earth voted you are being U? Must have been the MiL!

Good for you for putting your foot down. I always stay home now as I just prefer being in my own home over spending it in someone else’s house or in a restaurant. We have started eating at about 4pm but the kitchen is most definitely open all day to whoever wants it. Christmas is very relaxed in my house, absolutely no rules.

We used to go to my father's or PIL for Christmas, alternating years. I was lucky my father and PIL were wonderful people and never had a problem. With the birth of my 3rd child, however, I wanted to be home for Christmas Eve dinner and Day and except for a few grumblings, they accepted our families had changed and had to accommodate that things could not remain the same. PIL would celebrate with us Christmas Eve, and go to my DH brother's for CD and alternate years, and same with my parents.

Don't feel guilty for celebrating Christmas at home if your MIL is such a controlling bitch. The resentment will go away when you can finally enjoy the holidays with your own family - your DH and kids.

I have had many horrendous Christmases, a few indifferent ones and some good ones. I find the whole thing an ordeal, the endless build up, the expense, the dashed expectations, the rows, the tension, the getting together with people who I generally don't spend much time with but all in the name of tradition. When my parents were alive, my father's domineering personality caused huge rows on the day and I have horrible memories of this. It improved after he died which feels such a horrible thing to say. By that time my mum was ill and frail so we used to go out for dinner and this was so much better. Then my mum died and the first Christmas without her was horrible, we were all in tears by dinner time. I am divorced and never had Christmas with my in-laws, had some great new years though as it was a very relaxed extended family and people did what fitted in with what they wanted and if there were tensions i was unaware of them. I am dreading it this year, I am already in denial that it is happening, I find it such an emotionally challenging time of year, I can't even stand to think about it at or to make any plans. I know I never want to host it again, too much hard work and planning for one day! Even when I have hosted it, it has only been for 5 people and we kept it very relaxed, ate at about 2pm but a good breakfast and snacks before the big meal. Could you find a way to stay at home this year, honestly you will feel far more in control. This is what I find so horrible about Christmas, all the stress, the rows, I do know people who truly love it but there must be so many others who are in situations like this and are dreading the "big day". Sometimes I wish that we could only have Christmas every other year!

At Christmas, I do brunch at 10.30 ish followed by lunch at around 4 and there’s normally loads of food to snack on. I can’t imagine keeping everyone hungry till 4. I’ve been doing Christmas lunch for 15-20 people for the best part of 40 years (bar Covid), I’d bloody love it if someone else took over.

Ex ils were horrific. Mil tutted at every gift - the cost -. Fil held a bin bag under the gift to catch the wrapping paper.! Mil tried to help with the cooking.... Her Sunday dinners were hours in a pressure cooker. Plate of mulch... Grim.
Added bonus of divorce was not having them around.

Good on you for putting your foot down.

Christmas is had in our house. We don’t host as such as when it was suggested it was here each year (we have the space) we were firmly told that that didn’t mean we paid for everything or did all the work.

So, to the horror of some on here on previous threads, the cost is split between everyone. DH, BIL and DH’s aunt do most of the cooking.

Depending on people visiting in laws and the likes there is normally between 18 and 26 for Christmas dinner. It’s organised chaos and there’s usually a 15 minute spell when trying to get all the kids at the tables and bits sorted that you think “why do we do this?” but the rest of the time it’s brilliant.

There’s only been a couple of sour years and that was once because BIL’s girlfriend at the time decided to come, but then bitched all day about us “charging” people for a meal and how bad form it was. She went on so much that my late FIL gave her £15 from his wallet and BIL dumped her the next day.
The other was when FIL himself was quite rude on a couple of occasions, but it turned out he was very ill and it was our last Christmas with him.

I love it. It’s chaos. It’s loud. There’s usually two or three different games on the go and often a teenager asking “can I go and watch Tv in your room?” but it’s brilliant. Starts on Christmas Eve and ends Boxing Day.

I’ve hosted many Christmases and couldn’t care less what people were wearing. Tbh I wouldn’t even notice unless they came in something either very bizarre like a fancy dress costume or an Oscars worthy ballgown. Why spoil your mood and the day by choosing to be pissed off? Not very hospitable of you.

I think that most of these demands are very unreasonable. The exception is perhaps the one about dinner time and the kitchen. If she is cooking, I think she has the right to choose an unusually late time (preparations can be time-consuming) and to keep people out of the kitchen while preparations are going on.

However, setting a dress code for you but not for male guests, and especially demanding that you wear make-up, is not on. Make-up is a personal issue, and even formal events with dress codes usually do not specify make-up. Also, she should accept that some people would prefer to watch rather than play games; and not force them to watch her preferred TV programmes (TV watching is usually not really a social activity anyway.)

Most crucially, she should not be carping and moaning about you to your dh.

YANBU

your MIL sounds a royal pain in the arse.

Christmas is just me, oh and ds. Nobody else. We do something on Boxing Day or new years with others but the actual day itself is just us.

I learned my lesson the hard way. In laws didn’t put any effort into Chrismas (not even a basic roast) yet we were always expected to go round (where upon they would just sit watching tv all day long and moaning about there being nothing on tv).

The one year I hosted people showed up massively late, sil tried to take over and ruined the food and inlaws were extremely rude to our other guests (my family).

I put my foot down after that and now we have a lovely day all on our own.

Xmas eve we go out for dinner with dh's family and they come back to ours for prosecco, nibbles and presents then they go home.

Xmas day is just us 3 - up for presents, breakfast, chill out and dh cooks (I have my fave pasta dish as am veggie, they have Xmas dinner) and we just chill and do whatever such as TV and games.

Boxing day it's my family, we go to them and have a meal, presents and drinks and may stay over the night.

Have always done Xmas day at home, even before we had kids, we do Boxing Day lunch at in laws.

Xmas day

• wake up
• coffee
• presents
• breakfast, usually Xmas tree crumpets
• look properly at presents
• Xmas movie
• lunch at 1pm ish
• might go for a walk or just lounge about
• 6pm ish - my favourite meal - crusty bread, cheese, pate, leftovers from lunch, pickles etc

We might or might not get out of PJs, it depends how we feel. The whole day is just about hanging out with each other, eating lovely food and chilling out. I usually watch the Call the Midwife Xmas special, and DrWho if it's on.

I've never been anywhere but my own home for Christmas, and declined any invites.
Nor have I ever hosted anyone at Christmas, or asked anyone over.
Hell, I even turn my phone off on Xmas Eve until boxing day.
Reading the horror stories on here makes me glad.
I don't understand why people feel obligated to either spend Christmas at someone else's home, or host people themselves, just say no.

Best advice I ever had was to not make a pattern for the day itself. We see everyone we want to over the Christmas period. The more kids we had the less we wanted to travel anywhere.

Yanbu.

Parents and inlaws live in same town as us so we have a busy day going from one set to the other, plus crossing over with different sets of cousins etc.

I'm a real introvert and a home bird at all other times but on Christmas Day I love seeing everyone and the happiness and bustle of it all. I'd hate it to just be the three of us at home. I do like a couple of days after to chill out at home though.

We did the same when I was a kid. I've only found out as an adult how much pressure my Mum felt under to see everyone but us kids loved it and my DS is the same.

Life is too short to be dictated to.
Have the Christmas you want. Turn down her invitations/orders. She'll get over it.

The list of dos/don't was so long and so prescriptive that although I guessed 4am was a typo, I thought there was an outside chance you were coralled into the kitchen at 4am to make a cup of tea and then told that it was out of bounds until dinner!

Glad you have escaped the cycle of such a controlling Christmas.

This is such a lovely post and you sound like a great MIL and host! I wish it was the same for all the others posting here who are not having such positive experiences. You have made me feel Christmassy even though we’re only in September - thank you!

It's stifling isn't it? We've been there and done that. We broke the cycle by having a newborn baby. Never went there again for Xmas, once we realised how much we enjoyed ourselves.

I spend it mostly alone. Bliss
Get all the food I want, binge watch films or a series, long bath, good book, loads of exercise

Christmas Day night I got for an Indian meal with my dad to a restaurant where we have all been going for years and it's like a big family meal with all the regulars who go Christmas Day

Everyone is "are you not lonely!?"
Er no, I have food and Netflix and MN to see what everyone is arguing about

We alternate Christmases between my family and my in laws. I much prefer having Christmas with my family. Don't get me wrong - I get on very well with the in laws. It's just that we're different people
They can't relax for example and I want to relax over Christmas.

I just do not get why people put up with all sorts of family shit ‘because it’s Christmas’. We stay home because that’s what we want to do, and shall continue to do so. I suggest you do what you want - whether that’s a big gathering, or a small one, or just your immediate family, etc. Christmas is a time for fun and enjoyment - it’s so sad that for some it just seems a time of dread and stress.

And this is why dh and I split holidays.

My Ex-MIL was similar & every time (not even on Xmas day, just normal days) she saw my DD, she’d say ‘oh, I thought you’d have put a pretty dress on’☹️ She’s still the same now & I just say ‘nope, she fancied jeans/leggings today’

unbu op, it’s very tiring & rude. Good on you for doing what you want to do.

I spend Christmas Day at home alone and I love it more every year. I know my mum would prefer it if I was with her, but I like being by myself. I see her every week and before and after Christmas and I do a lot for her, so I don't feel too guilty. I don't want to celebrate Christmas and she does, so there's a natural clash.