DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

[cantstopeating1]

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

You mean you can't leave and maintain the lifestyle you have currently. Of course you can leave you are entitled to at least half of everything more likely 70 pc if you have the children. Adjystment will be required but it's perfectly doable. Women do it every day 💪

We're you not in a panic when he wasn't contactable and didn't come home until 12! I would have been freaking out

@Hankunamatata he does it quite frequently. In beginning(12 years ago) I even phoned the police as I was so worried!

@Doggymummar but realistically will I get the money straight away? No I won’t, it could take years. I’m in my overdraft. We don’t have any joint saving accounts. My credit card is maxed out. I only went back to work 2 weeks ago, haven’t even been paid yet till end of month.

I wish people wouldn’t make out it’s easy to just move out or get divorced. I’ve been through various scenarios in my head: a) I move out - but where? And how do I afford? B) I stay and make him leave then what happens when mortgage and bills not paid? I certainly cannot afford the bills let alone the mortgage. C) we sell and divide up the house but that could take months.

Have you tried couples counseling? Doesn't have to be with the intention of resolving things but may help to facilitate useful communication.

Well C sounds like the best option.

Do you think you could cope with living with him for, say, six months while you save up as much of your wages as possible?

Then tell him you want to divorce. If it takes months then you try to cope until the house sale goes through. But if it's unbearable at least you'll have your savings to help you rent somewhere for a short while.

The alternative is to do nothing. Which I don't think you want.

Teaching is not considered a low paid job surely?

I would not say it would be easy but people do it all the time, what is living like this with this atmosphere doing to your children?

You need to get your ducks in order - how have you been affording to live if you didn’t work? Do you have access to any of his money? How have you been able to get into debt with no income?

why have you no access to joint money? Get access and start doing what lots of people do. Get cash to spend from him and start paying towards your debts. You need to get sneaky with money.

Also a teachers wage is very doable to bring a family up on. Cut your cloth and all that.

Or stay in the legal marriage, but it’s over emotionally and you need to readjust your expectations etc within your marriage. Tell him you earn less then you do or he’s going to squeeze you dry.

@Gazelda the 8 year old loves her school. If we separate I can’t afford to live here. We will have to move to my hometown. The kids would hate their life. They have such a lovely life right now. They go on at least 2 holidays a year, they get spoilt rotten by my Inlaws and all they’re cousins and friends are here. They will hate me when they’re older. What can I offer them? A crappy life where we will be poor and penniless.

@Universitynewbie I’m on a lower end of the payscale. I haven’t worked for years. So I’m like a new teacher again after all these years. The pay scales are online so it’s not like I’m lying!

@WandaWonder my kids have an amazing life. Much better than I ever did. They go on luxury holidays twice a year. DH’s family is extremely wealthy. They have a very happy life. If I took them away from all this I would hate myself. Even if I was to get money I could never give them the life and opportunities they have right now. My family are very poor. DH and myself don’t have any joint accounts so only money I have is the one I earn. I haven’t worked for several years. I did a little supply when daughter went to school but haven’t been consistent.

It’s not that DH and I fight infront of them! They love their father. They have no idea anything is wrong. They are always happy and laughing, I hate when people on here assume kids know what goes on. I had no idea about my parents marriage till I was in my 20’s! As a child unless people are fighting infront of them how would they know anything is wrong?

Well, it sounds like you are choosing to stay for the money. Wouldn't be my choice, but you do you.

But please understand that you absolutely could leave if you wanted to. A teacher's salary, plus maintenance from a high earner, plus benefits would absolutely be enough for a good standard of living - quite possibly better than average. And as a teacher starting again at/near the bottom of the payscale, you have scope to raise through the payscales to well above average income.

If you'd prefer to stay in an unhappy marriage for money - that's fine. But please understand that is an active choice you are making.

Harsh question but only because I've been in your position :
Would you rather they grow up & think that it's ok to either treat people the way 'D'H treats you or accept being treated the way you are? Or that things are a bit different & difficult for a while but ultimately you show them that it's ok to stand up to someone treating you badly?
Would you be happy for your DC to be treated as you are because you're implicitly telling them it's ok

Have you asked him why he stays out till 12 and:doesn't call? Why do you think he does it?

Just because you’ve had enough doesn’t mean you have to do anything straight away.

With your circumstances you might have to play the long game.

Ive had similar when my Stbxh had a mate around. I had some pork in the slow cooker, said they were welcome to that or if they wanted to go to the pub over the road to eat, no problem.

They said my food smelled lovely and were just going up the road to his workshop/garage for an hour and would be back to have my “lovely dinner”.

In the end I ate my dinner solo and went to bed (they were still not back) They obviously decided to go to eat at the pub, but couldn’t be arsed to tell me. They even had to walk past our house to get to the pub.

Next morning it wasn’t even mentioned, certainly no apology. I didn’t say anything because my ex gets very cross if I criticise him in any way.I don’t blame the mate as it wasn’t his job to tell me they had decided to eat in the pub.

So for now you need to find a strategy that works for you. It could be couples counselling, or have The Talk. You could decide just not to make the extra effort and grey rock.

Ive suggested on a similar thread to keep a journal, know where the money is and find out what your rights would be. That’s either a solicitor (they often give free initial consultation), or look at something like wikivorce.

So stay then.

Exactly! Starting salary of £30k ish is hardly low paid! 😂🤣

@Isheabastard thank you for understanding! Yes thanks that’s what I was trying to get it but couldn’t find the words - I do need to play the long game. I was trying to ask how to do this. Leaving right now would be very stupid thing to do. He could easily swindle me out if any money. Without getting into too much details that’s literally his everyday job! I couldn’t win any fight with him. I know what he’s like.

the poster who said my kids will grow up thinking it’s okay to treat people like he does - I’ll stress again they have literally no idea! Do you think I let them stay up till 12am whilst waiting for their dad?

I do need to play the long game. I need to ensure my kids inheritance is all safe too.

You can divorce and as you are married the assets would be split (starting point 50/50), and that includes savings that are in his sole name.
Do you have access to money?

He sounds like an arse and is confident you'd never leave (trapped) so can carry on treating you so badly.

My ex refused to leave the family home until I bought him out. We went through the years of the divorce and a few months of actually being divorced before he got his 1/2 of the house. It was horrendous, but the thought that I could still be living that life is unimaginable. I am SO much happier now, and so are my children.

You could certainly try counselling - but would he? Does he care?

If not, you either stay for the money, stop bothering to try and make it work, and wait it out (10 years?)

Or you fake it for a year while getting your shit together to leave. This is an option, you do have a profession. Even if you don’t want to do this now, get snooping and gather all the financials, and go see a solicitor to see how it would break down. Better than you think, I’d say.

Those are your choices.

Sorry even at the lower end of the payscale a teacher is not considered as being in a low paid job. I just checked and if you are in England the new pay deals for starting salary is 30k according to government website. That is not a low paid job sorry

Well they’ll figure it out by the time they’re 12 or so. If he’s a lawyer and you’re a teacher, your kids are unlikely to be thick, and neither of you are actors, so..