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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

207 replies

cantstopeating1 · 22/09/2023 23:16

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 23/09/2023 07:10

crystalize · 23/09/2023 07:03

If you're staying you must start emotionally detaching. Him staying out all night? Stop caring. Maybe you start going out as well at times don't respond to his messages either. Take kids out for the day/away for a night somewhere different by yourself. Start cultivating a social life separate from him. Maybe he will start worrying what you are up to? Would you consider separate rooms?

Agree the finances need serious discussions, ridiculous you have to struggle when he's a high earner.

I thought this too. Stay, but make it work for you and the children. Build a rich life away from him. Make gold friends, holiday with them and the children, go out frequently, join clubs.

Greenberg2 · 23/09/2023 07:12

Valeriekat · 23/09/2023 01:22

I wonder what she would think of a minimum wage job. It made me lose sympathy instantly.

Show quote history

Depends where you live. If you live in rural Scotland you could probably live very well on it. If you live where I live you could barely afford a rental one bedroom flat. The OP is having to adjust to potential new circumstances. It takes time to get your head around that.

Also, arses like her husband will have made her feel powerless in the relationship. That's what they do. It takes time to get over that too. Your dismissive post doesn't help with that.

OP take your time. Start making plans. Play the long game. When the kids are a bit older you might be able to do tutoring on top of your teaching salary, that can be pretty lucrative. Don't have couples counselling. Someone like your husband will just manipulate it and make you feel worse. If anything have individual counselling to build up your self esteem.

In the long run though, living with someone like your husband will do your children more harm than good. They will learn how to treat people badly and it won't be good for their own self esteem.

Bettyboobaloo · 23/09/2023 07:12

It doesn't sound as if you hate him. You just have to find a way to accept him for who he is now, not who you want him to be

In short, indulge his behaviour, but manipulate to your advantage. This could be for the short term with the view of eventually getting out of the marriage or it could be for the long term - to keep your lavish lifestyle and money.

Redlarge · 23/09/2023 07:12

cantstopeating1 · 22/09/2023 23:27

I wish people wouldn’t make out it’s easy to just move out or get divorced. I’ve been through various scenarios in my head: a) I move out - but where? And how do I afford? B) I stay and make him leave then what happens when mortgage and bills not paid? I certainly cannot afford the bills let alone the mortgage. C) we sell and divide up the house but that could take months.

I could have written every single thing you post.
I have lived through every fear and barrier you have mentioned. Its been hell at times and he is riddled with bitterness and continues to try and exert control.
But do you know what. I chose this life over still being married to him anyday.
When i shut my door its just me and my kids and not having him here with the fear, anxiety, control and judgement is priceless.
Day to day im less stressed as i was doing it all anyway, house, work, childcare, bills and at least now im not resentful or begging for bare min or basic respect. You can do it and you should for your own mental health and self respect and for your kids.
Yes he will drag stuff out but he cant do it forever and there is help out there.

TheFirstStraw · 23/09/2023 07:12

BarbaraofSeville · 23/09/2023 04:21

So he's financially as well as emotionally abusive as he disappears without responding to phone calls/lies about when he's coming back, but you're also in debt and struggling for money when he's a very high earner and from a wealthy family? Plus likely all the rest that you haven't mentioned, sounds like the 'coming back a few hours later than he said' could be the tip of the iceberg.

Have you never had joint finances, even while you've been a SAHP? Do you end up paying for the lion's share of things for DC (clothes, activities etc?). Don't you have any savings or investments of you own, except your share of the house and pension of course? Because he will likely have loads.

One way of boosting your assets that he might agree with would be to transfer some savings, which are legally and morally yours anyway, into your name 'for tax purposes' as if you don't have any savings, you have a £1000 annual interest allowance that's not being used. £20k in an instant access account paying 5% would take care of that, although you could try and get more than that, as you shouldn't be in debt in your circumstances - have you been trying to cover more expenses than you can afford while you've not been working?

You also need access to a joint account that is used to pay bills, food, DC costs etc and your own personal spending money that allows you the same lifestyle (clothes, grooming, leisure, lunches, tech, car if not paid from joint account, etc) that he has, but of course you can syphon off some of this money into your running away fund).

This, this, this.
You're married and you've been the stay at home parent, presumably saving him money on childcare and a cleaner etc.. Finances should have been joint. He's let you run up debts while he pays the mortgage for your huge house in his high-paying job. What a shitbag.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/09/2023 07:15

Universitynewbie · 22/09/2023 23:32

Teaching is not considered a low paid job surely?

On mumsnet if you earn less than 150k you are low paid (with an implication you are a bit of a loser).

In the real world otoh teaching is an average paid job…..

Redlarge · 23/09/2023 07:17

cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:14

@Universitynewbie on £30k how would I give my kids any part of the current life they have? They’re kids they will not understand why suddenly their life has changed so much? I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun! So on 30k how will I afford a decent enough house, pay the bills plus have money left over for anything fun?

Accept your lifestyle will change. I dont earn as much as you and I did it. Life goes on. Focus on what really matters. They wont be poor as in actual poor. They will understand. They will have a happier mum and do you really think the anxiety and inconsistency he creates doesnt impact on them. It absolutely does. My daughters mental and physical health improved once we split up. They view our home as calm and consistent. Even if it isnt the lifestyle i would have chosen for them. A house is a house at the end of the day. You can meet their needs, other people have done it and so can you. You will wish you had done it sooner.

Teateaandmoretea · 23/09/2023 07:17

Throwncrumbs · 23/09/2023 05:01

A starting salary of £30k , but op says she only works two days, so she only gets a % of that . It’s not hard to understand.

Show quote history

Yes, but she could easily increase her earning by going full time.

Unwisebutnotillegal · 23/09/2023 07:19

I would guess if he is regularly MIA then he is either using drugs, alcohol, gambling or fucking sex workers. Check your bank’s account for the first three and get an STI check for the fourth. You’re putting your life at risk staying with someone who uses sex workers my white, heterosexual, middle class, supposedly happily married friend is dying from Aids which her husband gave her.

PinkNailpolish · 23/09/2023 07:21

Dolphinnoises · 23/09/2023 06:28

All these posters telling the OP she can manage just fine on £30k… talk me through it. I’m a Brit but have been out of the U.K. for a while. Rent for a 2-bed flat on Rightmove seems to be about £1700. A £30k salary is £2000. We haven’t even got to bills. On what planet would she be well-off, if her husband screwed her over in any divorce (as she expects?)

You can get a 2 bed house for half that around where I am. You earn more than £30k as a starting salary of you live in the London area (inner, outer and fringe area). I'm guessing that's where a tiny flat can be rented for a ridiculous £1700 a month. OP will have a sizable divorce settlement and higher than average child maintenance because her husband has a high salary. OP could go full time as her children are school aged.

Bertiesmum3 · 23/09/2023 07:24

cantstopeating1 · 22/09/2023 23:37

@Gazelda the 8 year old loves her school. If we separate I can’t afford to live here. We will have to move to my hometown. The kids would hate their life. They have such a lovely life right now. They go on at least 2 holidays a year, they get spoilt rotten by my Inlaws and all they’re cousins and friends are here. They will hate me when they’re older. What can I offer them? A crappy life where we will be poor and penniless.

Sounds like it’s all money oriented for you!
your inlaws would still be relevant as well as cousins!
legally your husband has to provide a for over your children’s head so you can leave him!

Beautifulday3 · 23/09/2023 07:24

I think you need to get some professional advice about what you are entitled to. Should be half of everything? Does he understand how unhappy you are. It sounds like lifestyle is very important to you. I guess you need to choose lifestyle or happiness. Surely it comes down to what’s a need/want?

MrsTwartle · 23/09/2023 07:26

No matter what you decide to do (and staying for the lifestyle/money is setting a hell of a low bar for yourself and your children) it doesn’t sound like a stable situation at all.
Your H has zero respect for you. It might be him that decides the relationship is over, so if I were you at the very least I’d talk to a solicitor and get ducks in a row asap, even if you don’t act straight away.
I know a few people who’ve almost felt trapped by a privileged lifestyle, and still have children who’ve grown up unhappy and resenting both parents for prioritising this over anyone’s happiness. Children know if their parents are unhappy, even when they think it’s well hidden.

ConnieTucker · 23/09/2023 07:27

Teateaandmoretea · 23/09/2023 07:17

Yes, but she could easily increase her earning by going full time.

Show quote history

Full time teaching is working evenings and weekends too. As a single parent, with an ex husband who goes MIA, how would she do that?

Ladybug14 · 23/09/2023 07:27

cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:14

@Universitynewbie on £30k how would I give my kids any part of the current life they have? They’re kids they will not understand why suddenly their life has changed so much? I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun! So on 30k how will I afford a decent enough house, pay the bills plus have money left over for anything fun?

You won't afford what you have now

But you won't be earning just £30k there will be maintenance too, which will be considerable

As the children get older they will start to see how their father treats you and they will believe that is how women should be treated

That can't be right for them

You need to get sight (photo or scan) of all bank statements including his salary and all savings and investments

Find all the birth and marriage certificates and passports and put them somewhere safe

Then see a solicitor and find out what you can do and what you are entitled to

And from now please ensure that you have zero expectations of this man. If he says the sky is blue, don't believe him

luckylavender · 23/09/2023 07:31

Are you a teacher or a TA OP? Because describing teaching as very low paid is quite a stretch.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/09/2023 07:36

Do t get angry just insist on some respect. This doesn't mean arguing.
If he isn't home on time then he doesn't get any dinner. If he asks why just say dinner was ready at xxx time and you were not here to eat it.
Repeat with everything else that is unreasonable.
If you won't leave then you need to have boundaries.
Arguments don't work. Action does.
Keep a diary with every single one of his transgressions in it dated and timed. Its your security should you need it.

CharlotteBog · 23/09/2023 07:36

Full time teaching is working evenings and weekends too. As a single parent, with an ex husband who goes MIA, how would she do that?

Plenty of single parents teach full time.

disappearingfish · 23/09/2023 07:37

Sounds like you need to play a long game. From now on, only think about you and your children.

Start to emotionally detach from your H.
Get full access to all finances.
Save like mad in your own name. Don't spend anything on inessentials and don't get further financially enmeshed (bigger mortgage, more property, loans, school fees etc.). Nothing that could be used as a weapon in a divorce in the future.
Change jobs to something better paid if feasible.
Share your situation with trusted friend or family.
Make realistic plans for escape in 1/3/5 years, whatever timeline works for you and stick to them. Don't get sucked back in to thinking your marriage can be saved when he throws you a crumb.

This is hard, you've probably lost some sense of self in this relationship and raising children virtually alone. But you can get yourself back and you can have a happy future. Good luck.

Greenberg2 · 23/09/2023 07:38

PinkNailpolish · 23/09/2023 07:21

You can get a 2 bed house for half that around where I am. You earn more than £30k as a starting salary of you live in the London area (inner, outer and fringe area). I'm guessing that's where a tiny flat can be rented for a ridiculous £1700 a month. OP will have a sizable divorce settlement and higher than average child maintenance because her husband has a high salary. OP could go full time as her children are school aged.

Show quote history

Yes but you don't get that sizable divorce settlement or child maintenance overnight. If he's a lawyer he'll do his best to string things out to make it even harder.

It doesn't matter what you can get where you live. It's where the OP lives that's relevant. London weighting barely covers any of the additional costs of living there.

Of course she can leave. But it will take time to plan and work things out.

ConnieTucker · 23/09/2023 07:41

luckylavender · 23/09/2023 07:31

Are you a teacher or a TA OP? Because describing teaching as very low paid is quite a stretch.

Her take home pay will be less than £800 a month.

larlypops · 23/09/2023 07:41

I was in a similar situation a few years ago and private rented with help from UC at the time.
The way I looked at it was did I want my kids to turn out like him, no and when the kids leave home then what.
That was enough for me to start over

boomtickhouse · 23/09/2023 07:41

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 00:26

If you’re staying, start here:

DH and myself don’t have any joint accounts so only money I have is the one I earn. I haven’t worked for several years.

Stop fighting him and ask for joint finances.

Play the long game.

This.

At least get yourself in a better position financially and you might feel more emotionally available to leave. Financial abuse is a crime now. You should have access to family money and your personal debts should be paid off. How can you make that happen?

Redlarge · 23/09/2023 07:42

CharlotteBog · 23/09/2023 07:36

Full time teaching is working evenings and weekends too. As a single parent, with an ex husband who goes MIA, how would she do that?

Plenty of single parents teach full time.

Shes doing it anyway

ConnieTucker · 23/09/2023 07:43

CharlotteBog · 23/09/2023 07:36

Full time teaching is working evenings and weekends too. As a single parent, with an ex husband who goes MIA, how would she do that?

Plenty of single parents teach full time.

Do you? And what if they do?

op’s point is her children’s lives would be worse if she left him. How is having no money and no time for her children better?

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