DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

[cantstopeating1]

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

I chose Guildford at random. South of England, sure, but not London weighting area. If £800 pcm two-bedders are normal round your way, you must be aware your home town isn’t the norm

Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”.

You are a grown man, there is the oven, you can cook yourself something 😡

@cantstopeating1
Please get this thread moved to Relationships. AIBU really isn't the place for it.
You've had a lot of unhelpful and some frankly dangerous replies on this thread.
It's obvious that a lot of PPs don't understand how abusive relationships work and don't understand the difficulty of the situation you're in.
You obvious can't just tell him that you want a divorce or insist on full access to the finances (if he was willing to give that to you, you'd have it by now).
Do not suggest couple's counselling, it is not recommended in abusive relationships - even if he agrees to it, it will not be helpful and he may use it to abuse you more.
My suggestion is to get individual counselling for yourself if you can. You could also contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline and/or you local Women's Aid to ask for advice about staying safe as you plan to leave.
If you do talk to any domestic abuse services or to your GP about the abuse, that may be sufficient evidence to get legal aid when it comes to it.
Look at the Rights of Women website, they have helpful information and a free family law helpline. Perhaps it would help you to talk to them about what could happen, even if you don't take any action yet.
I do agree with the PP who suggested taking copies of financial info if you can find it - if he goes out a lot then you'll have time to do some digging while he's not around.
But you need to keep all this secret and don't let him find out you are planning to leave.

OP, I'd be willing to bet my house your kids are aware of far more than you think. I used to sneak around the house so I could hear what my parents were arguing about. They had no idea I was listening. Plus it's really obvious when people are unhappy around each other. Human beings are primed to pick up all sorts of body language that indicates mood and so on. There's no way in the world your husband and you are that good actors.

So on 2 days a week you will be on around 12k a year - if you leave what benefits are you entitled too? and what options are there for full time/ exam marking for sats/ gcses etc?

He will have to give you money if you leave starting with child maintenance- again calculate how much that could be. ultimately he will need to pay you out but you are right it won’t be immediately.

Why do you have no access to money? what happened while you were at home with the kids? I would:

look at counselling, then if not,
start to ask for access to bank accounts/ savings etc?
start to collect paperwork and evidence
start to look at jobs, finance, childcare etc
and absolutely do not cook his bloody dinner at midnight

I do disagree that your kids won’t know - we could hear our parents quietly arguing from upstairs I remember it clearly from about the age of 9! Plus the atmosphere in the house was awful the next day!

Omg.

I am separated from my children's father, there is a large financial disparity between us in his favour. My children don't miss out on anything as their dad buys them the expensive toys, takes them on the fancy holidays. Would I love to be able to provide the same? Of course, but I'm just happy that they don't miss out. And to be honest, they talk about their happiest times being when we go to the park, have their favourite ice cream etc. You can still give them the things they need- a calm, loving home, days out that are fun but not extortionately priced. It is possible.

Alcohol and cocaine too.

Sounds like this coming home very late is a regular occurrence. I'd say he's likely to be cheating. Likely to be a narcissist hence the calling you crazy, belittling you, keeping you in poverty ( why are you so broke when he's a lawyer).

Either you make the choice to leave him or he will leave you. In my experience that's how this is heading.

Or you carry on as you are with him becoming more abusive and your mental health suffers. Staying for the kids is never ever worth it because it will kill you slowly. They lose parts of you as you won't have the emotional capacity / energy to deal with them while your mind is mashed from being emotionally abused by your husband.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

To echo what PPs have said, your kids will pick up on living in an atmosphere, it’s not all about overhearing arguments.

I don’t really understand, you got as desperate as calling a women’s shelter but you don’t want your kids to go without nice things?

I also think it’s massively unlikely that he would stop paying the mortgage and destroy his credit if you were to tell him to leave while you get the house sold.

Could you give him an ultimatum? Couples counselling or separation?

Tell him to leave?! What do you think he'll say - sure?!!

A lot of posters need to read this: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

Sorry even at the lower end of the payscale a teacher is not considered as being in a low paid job. I just checked and if you are in England the new pay deals for starting salary is 30k according to government website. That is not a low paid job sorry

It is not high pay, is it? . And tough to bring up children on alone.

I agree my dgss love camping at a campsite that costs less than £50. Has no play area just hills and streams. A little shop where they spend a tenner max. They've been on fancy holidays but love this adventure the most.
My dcs when young enjoyed this sort of holiday best too. It's freedom.

Yes can't see it.

Very low paid job teaching. Do you just work a few hours. Obviously you are used to a good standard of living and are reluctant to leave because of this. I think that's fair enough and I'd feel the same in your position. However something has got to change. I would start distancing myself from him and not be over enthusiastic to spend leisure time with him. I would also get a cleaner to help with the housework.

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

Sorry OP but it feels like you’ve decided to be a martyr to maintain your lifestyle. If so, so be it, but moaning about it when not willing to make any changes is not doing to get you anywhere. Think very carefully about where you will be when your children are grown. Will you be happy? How easy will it be to go then?

Also - "get a cleaner" - how would OP pay for the cleaner?! She has an overdraft and a maxed out credit card! She can only get a cleaner if he agrees to pay for it. I assume he's not even paying for everything OP and the children need, which is why she's in debt.

I think you need to spend the next year planning and saving. Get copies of everything, make sure he doesn't keep you short of money to make you dependent, get some counselling.

Under £1k is normal in the North West unless you live very close to a major city centre. I'd say this is also the norm in neighbouring counties too. £1700 is insane. Mumsnet thinks the NW is basically poverty but there are plenty of quiet family friendly suburbs with very low crime rates. Southern England rental prices are not the norm elsewhere in the country.

Anyway, if OP goes full time and gets a hefty sum of money as a divorce settlement and a large amount for child maintenence then she will have significantly more than £2k a month.

OP doesn't want the dcs disrupting. I don't think it's the right thing to do but she isn't staying for herself. She's not the first mother to do this.

This guy is likely cheating and treating you badly out of guilt. He's provoking fights so he can justify this because you are "nasty".

He won't destroy his own financial credit score to mess you up. He will threaten it of course.

You have more power than you think. Think about whether you really want to keep this man and if not, then plan a divorce. That means consulting a solicitor and actively considering what you and your children will need before you say anything.

Men coming home late are normally having affairs. I left my lawyer husband, lived in a refuge temporarily, it wasn't a bed of roses but I had my freedom, respect and peace of mind. It's a hard one but it's your choice - what you can handle for the next ten years. Get some professional advice - solicitor, CAB, GP/therapist.

I think I'd like to understand a little more about finances and why you feel so strongly about your children continuing to have these 'nice' things.
I raised my daughter alone with a lot less than your salary and what she remembers is mum working hard and the 'nice' things I could afford as and when.
What she doesn't remember is me living with her father, a drunken bum who lied repeatedly, stayed away for days with totally made up bullshit excuses and who cheated on me. Oh, & he was always skint so that fell to me too.
There may be a period of adjustment for your kids (and you) but you will get your share in the divorce and maintenance which will help you.
Happy parents happy kids

Oh and I have three children.