DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

[cantstopeating1]

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

I don't think you need to wait and waste years of your life in turmoil, planning to leave.

Stay in the house and tell him you want a divorce. Get as much info about assets as you can before that conversation. Then start the process.

Worst case scenario= you live together for the 12-18m it takes, sooner if you can negotiate something between you. It might not be pleasant, but neither is your life now and nor would leaving with no money and all the worries you've articulated.

If you're not awarded the house, there may be a sale and you will have enough to start again.

If he's playing around, he may be motivated for a new start himself once you get the ball rolling.

As a lawyer his financial disclosures would have to be transparent. There's only so many legal tricks he can play to defeat a lower-earning spouse who will probably get custody. Lawyers don't enjoy uncertainty of outcome; my bet is he will negotiate (after the initial shock/indignation or whatever).

You can totally do this and still preserve your kids' quality of life.

I don't think you are being fair to her.

She is not staying for the money - they do not share his income. She is in debt.

She is staying for her children and the advantages they have.

I can see her point.

So he came home 5h late without letting you know, and then made out like you were in the wrong???? What was his excuse for that??

It sounds like you're not prepared to downgrade your lifestyle so you have 3 options
Improve your marriage...counselling?
Stay married but improve your lifestyle.....disengage, affair, separate lives?
Improve your earning power

The forth option is shut up and put up.

M1 outside of London is £30k. After tax, NI and student loan, you take home around £2k a month. This is nowhere near penniless. You're really naive if you think your children haven't noticed that mummy and daddy don't like each other anymore and daddy has opted out of parenting and family life. They have definitely noticed.

@cantstopeating1

If you think your kids are oblivious to the troubles in your marriage, you’re kidding yourself.
I was three years old and I remember the horrible way my dad treated my mum and the awful things he said to her - in front of me, because he thought I was too little to understand. He forgot that I’d grow up and remember those abhorrent words.
I lost respect for my mum for staying in an abusive marriage when she was a teacher and could’ve managed without my dad.
I call it the “doormat syndrome.”
Your kids will remember.

If you're staying for kids and financial support so be it. It's what makes you happy. But I'd put a complete block on emotions. Have your own routine without him in it. He can make his own dinner if he has such a bad attitude towards you.
I would however, try to make things comfortable and be civil with him at the same time if that makes sense? That'd be purely for your and your kids benefit. But put a wall up aswel if you get what i mean. See how that goes.
If you cannot mentally do that then I'd suggest couples counselling if he isn't willing to cooperate with you or listen to your expectations.

I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun!

Most of us grew up poor and it wasn't that bad. I think something else may have happened when you were growing up to give you such a poor opinion of life with a small income.

I'm sorry you are in an unhappy marriage OP and I hope things work out for you.

So he's financially as well as emotionally abusive as he disappears without responding to phone calls/lies about when he's coming back, but you're also in debt and struggling for money when he's a very high earner and from a wealthy family? Plus likely all the rest that you haven't mentioned, sounds like the 'coming back a few hours later than he said' could be the tip of the iceberg.

Have you never had joint finances, even while you've been a SAHP? Do you end up paying for the lion's share of things for DC (clothes, activities etc?). Don't you have any savings or investments of you own, except your share of the house and pension of course? Because he will likely have loads.

One way of boosting your assets that he might agree with would be to transfer some savings, which are legally and morally yours anyway, into your name 'for tax purposes' as if you don't have any savings, you have a £1000 annual interest allowance that's not being used. £20k in an instant access account paying 5% would take care of that, although you could try and get more than that, as you shouldn't be in debt in your circumstances - have you been trying to cover more expenses than you can afford while you've not been working?

You also need access to a joint account that is used to pay bills, food, DC costs etc and your own personal spending money that allows you the same lifestyle (clothes, grooming, leisure, lunches, tech, car if not paid from joint account, etc) that he has, but of course you can syphon off some of this money into your running away fund).

It sounds to me like there’s more backstory here, particularly with regard to finances… it’s not right that you’re struggling if he has a v high income.. it may not be the case but I get the feeling from your post your finances aren’t an equal split and he’s not properly supporting you.. remember if you split he’d be supporting you with cm. Good luck xx

If you can get him to leave do that.

Don't worry about the bills, they cannot cut you off with a 'vulnerable person' in the house and that is your children.

And that is worse case scenario.

Yes, long term you will probably have to sell the house but maybe not. You say the grandparents dote on your children and are rich.

This gives you options. Would the grandparents help to keep you and the children in the house and lifestyle? How that works could take many forms and you need legal advice for you.

I left with ds, the clothes we stood up in, ds cuddly toys & the hamster. Ds had called 999 because his dad was threatening to burn the house down with us in it, the police came to check on us & helped me pack the car. I had £50 in my bank account & £60 on my credit card which I spent on a Travelodge for the night. I hadn't got my ducks in a row or anything. I thought that he would move out so I could come home with ds. How wrong I was, but we survived.

I'd you want to stay, stop having any expectations of him.
Just do what you want and learn not to care if he comes home late or not.
Try to get in the joint accounts and start stashing money away.

Is your husband playing the long game, do you think, by allowing you to be in debt while he remains ‘wealthy’?

A starting salary of £30k , but op says she only works two days, so she only gets a % of that . It’s not hard to understand.

@BarbaraofSeville seek counselling first, try to save your marriage.

Get sone parity with your DH. Your finances sound mad! You're married fgs why don't you have at least pin money from him whilst you've not been working, wtf!

I hope you can resolve this, but it sounds to me like you've allowed him to think his behaviour is OK, that it's OK for you to have debt and no income ie you have to work on equality in this relationship and that's always tough cos men really don't respond well to taking on home commitments if they've never had to do that.

Wishing you luck, I personally would not have a life where I was unhappy, so work on your happiness.

Well suck it up and stay. You're making excuses why you can't leave. You can, you just don't want to

You are in denial. Children know and are aware of so much more than adults ever give them credit for. Luxury holidays don’t make up for being in a home with a deadbeat father who does nothing for his kids, treats you like shit and is financially abusive.

If you are determined to stay . Don't plan to do nice things as it's obvious he will let you down. Cook tea for all of u you ou and plate his portion. Do the cleaning that impacts on you and kids but tell him his washing is his responsibility. Enjoy you live. And maybe start a savings account so that if you do decide to leave you have access to some money.

All these posters telling the OP she can manage just fine on £30k… talk me through it. I’m a Brit but have been out of the U.K. for a while. Rent for a 2-bed flat on Rightmove seems to be about £1700. A £30k salary is £2000. We haven’t even got to bills. On what planet would she be well-off, if her husband screwed her over in any divorce (as she expects?)

Why do you have no access to money? How did that come about? Thats financial abuse op.

My advice, stay. And accept the life you have . You've made it clear that material things are the most important to you, so be happy with your children, holidays and massive house. But you won't change your husband, complaining about him and resenting him not being the partner you want will just make you more miserable.

If you're staying you must start emotionally detaching. Him staying out all night? Stop caring. Maybe you start going out as well at times don't respond to his messages either. Take kids out for the day/away for a night somewhere different by yourself. Start cultivating a social life separate from him. Maybe he will start worrying what you are up to? Would you consider separate rooms?

Agree the finances need serious discussions, ridiculous you have to struggle when he's a high earner.

^^this.
You sound just like my sister, the ££££ is more important than being happy 🤷🏼‍♀️so years later she’s still moaning about him to everyone and is thoroughly miserable.

you lost sympathy with a mother whose husbsnd treats her with contempt because she pointed out how her children’s lives would be so much worse with her only earning £30k compared to her dh’s six figures?

you sound bitter and jealous.