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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

207 replies

cantstopeating1 · 22/09/2023 23:16

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:14

@Universitynewbie on £30k how would I give my kids any part of the current life they have? They’re kids they will not understand why suddenly their life has changed so much? I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun! So on 30k how will I afford a decent enough house, pay the bills plus have money left over for anything fun?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 23/09/2023 00:17

It's no fun living the way they are. You're in a shit relationship and the only way to improve it is to leave. But you know this.

grumpycow1 · 23/09/2023 00:17

You can get half an hour free with solicitor to chat it through, or call womens aid - he will have to split assets somehow if you didn’t have a pre nup and you could argue for keeping the house and kids stability which he will surely have to contribute to.

Deathbyfluffy · 23/09/2023 00:22

MrsAmaretto · 22/09/2023 23:37

You need to get your ducks in order - how have you been affording to live if you didn’t work? Do you have access to any of his money? How have you been able to get into debt with no income?

why have you no access to joint money? Get access and start doing what lots of people do. Get cash to spend from him and start paying towards your debts. You need to get sneaky with money.

Also a teachers wage is very doable to bring a family up on. Cut your cloth and all that.

Or stay in the legal marriage, but it’s over emotionally and you need to readjust your expectations etc within your marriage. Tell him you earn less then you do or he’s going to squeeze you dry.

Suggesting taking money from the joint account and hiding it? Classy!

That won’t look good when it goes in front of a judge…

NatashaDancing · 23/09/2023 00:24

cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:14

@Universitynewbie on £30k how would I give my kids any part of the current life they have? They’re kids they will not understand why suddenly their life has changed so much? I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun! So on 30k how will I afford a decent enough house, pay the bills plus have money left over for anything fun?

Your husband doesn't cease to be responsible for supporting your children.

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 23/09/2023 00:24

Universitynewbie · 22/09/2023 23:32

Teaching is not considered a low paid job surely?

It shouldn't be.....

Universitynewbie · 23/09/2023 00:24

cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:14

@Universitynewbie on £30k how would I give my kids any part of the current life they have? They’re kids they will not understand why suddenly their life has changed so much? I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun! So on 30k how will I afford a decent enough house, pay the bills plus have money left over for anything fun?

Not being able to keep up with your current lifestyle doesn't make teaching a low paid job. It means you will have to adjust your lifestyle. I have done it on less than that and managed to give my children a good life so of course it can be done.

Whataretheodds · 23/09/2023 00:25

@cantstopeating1 are you saying you don't have shared finances? You don't have access to any of the money that your husband owns? Are there no savings between you?

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 00:26

If you’re staying, start here:

DH and myself don’t have any joint accounts so only money I have is the one I earn. I haven’t worked for several years.

Stop fighting him and ask for joint finances.

Play the long game.

OfficerChurlish · 23/09/2023 00:27

... my kids have an amazing life. Much better than I ever did. They go on luxury holidays twice a year. DH’s family is extremely wealthy. They have a very happy life. If I took them away from all this I would hate myself. Even if I was to get money I could never give them the life and opportunities they have right now. My family are very poor.

He's the father of the children, though, isn't he - not like a stepfather? He will still be their father if you divorce, and his family will still be their family. If it makes sense for them to live with him, at least during term time, insist on that for their sake.

Why are you thinking of this like he's some kind of inept/unfit/horrible person and he'll just sort of cease to be a dad if the two of you split up? If he's that much of an arsehole, he's already unacceptably damaging the children, never mind you. And he should be doing an amount of childcare and housework NOW based on a 50/50 split and adjusted as he works more hours than you and therefore has fewer hours free, nothing to do with making more money than you. Stop doing his part.

mrsm43s · 23/09/2023 00:30

cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:14

@Universitynewbie on £30k how would I give my kids any part of the current life they have? They’re kids they will not understand why suddenly their life has changed so much? I grew up poor and let me tell you it’s not fun! So on 30k how will I afford a decent enough house, pay the bills plus have money left over for anything fun?

I guess they could stay with their wealthy father, and you could move out if the continued funding of their lifestyle is the most important thing to you?

Your salary, plus divorce settlement, plus maintenance, plus benefits (if you earn low enough to qualify) will give you enough to provide for your children perfectly well though - at least an average existence. You're only trapped if you value money and material trappings over having your independence and working to provide for yourself..

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 23/09/2023 00:33

You know your husband better than us, and as a lawyer he knows the law and rules (and tricks of the trade) way better than most. So I totally sympathize and agree you'll need to plan and move carefully.

I have 2 pieces of advice to offer:

  1. I hate this one but, if you do leave him, be mentally prepared to lose out somewhat financially. If you're prepared mentally for this it'll hurt less when it actually happens. That's part of the adjustment you'll have to grow accustomed to.
  1. Don't necessarily think about TOO far into the future - you'll end up worrying about things that may not happen. Cross each bridge as you come to it.

Where there's a will there's a way, but no it won't be easy. Divorce is painful. x

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 23/09/2023 00:35

cantstopeating1 · 22/09/2023 23:47

It’s not that DH and I fight infront of them! They love their father. They have no idea anything is wrong. They are always happy and laughing, I hate when people on here assume kids know what goes on. I had no idea about my parents marriage till I was in my 20’s! As a child unless people are fighting infront of them how would they know anything is wrong?

My parents waited until we went to bed to argue. How do I know that? We could hear them!

Your kids will pick up on the tension as well.

Speaking as someone whose mum couldn't afford for us to have running hot water every day for a while and couldn't afford to put heaters in our bedrooms for over a year (no central heating), leave. A child's happiness depends on stability, not material things.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 23/09/2023 00:40

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 00:26

If you’re staying, start here:

DH and myself don’t have any joint accounts so only money I have is the one I earn. I haven’t worked for several years.

Stop fighting him and ask for joint finances.

Play the long game.

OMG this.

When you marry, there's no "my earnings" any more, only "our earnings". That's the law. (Inheritances can be treated differently as long as they are kept in a separate account.)

Is the child benefit paid to your account, his, or both? If it's his, get that changed to both immediately.

MaPaSpa · 23/09/2023 00:40

NatashaDancing · 23/09/2023 00:24

Your husband doesn't cease to be responsible for supporting your children.

Show quote history

Not even CMA can force people to pay their maintenance. It’s all an uphill battle

Original poster
cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:42

Thank you all for your messages. I think what I need to do is stay until I’ve saved enough money, I haven’t even got my first months pay yet so I might Be surprised. I need to have some money in my account and zero on my credit card to feel a little more in control.

My kids having the life they currently have is very important for me for at least till they’re old enough to understand. The poster that said I could leave them with their father during term time if I want them to have the life they correctly have - I would never do that. They’re my whole life! I could easily have left years ago but the fact they are happy I can’t do that to them. Their whole support system is here.

OP posts:
MaPaSpa · 23/09/2023 00:49

OP I’d spend the next 3/4 years getting your things sorted with the aim to be out by the time the oldest is 12.

back to work full time, training/upskilling or moving to a higher paying sector. Taking notice of where he keeps the money.

start sleuthing and get everything sorted and tidied away nicely so you can have the means to provide your kids with a good lifestyle rather than barely scraping by.

it’s ok to not want your children to struggle and rather than move rashly as is often advised on here. make plans and do things deliberately.

if he works in a similar sector you may want to go further afield to ensure it doesn’t get back to him when looking for a lawyer just to be on the safe side.

I too have a lawyer, you have to be very quiet and detail oriented once they’ve decided to make a move. so having a head start is a must.

if you think there’s something to salvage do as PP have suggested and try counselling, it might be good either way just to find an amicable way of existing even while you get your ducks in a row.

sending you luck and perseverance. You can do it.

Nagado · 23/09/2023 00:53

My kids having the life they currently have is very important for me for at least till they’re old enough to understand

I suspect that by the time they’re old enough to understand, they would likely be horrified that you’d stayed just for their sake. Luxury holidays don’t make up for laying in bed hearing your parents arguing.

Original poster
cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 00:58

@MaPaSpa thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 01:01

@Nagado it would be impossible for them to hear anything from their bedrooms. I cannot hear anything from the room next to me let alone from the complete opposite end of the house. The house is huge there is literally no way you can hear anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantstopeating1 · 23/09/2023 01:04

Good night everyone. Thank you so much for the few that understand the situation. I’m getting fed up of people thinking me and DH are fighting whilst kids are terrified in their beds! It’s impossible to hear anything from where their rooms are.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/09/2023 01:08

Speaking as someone who divorced a lawyer - you need to play a long game here, but not too long. Give yourself two years.

How exactly are your finances arranged? Who pays for what?

Is your H self employed or does he have a salary?

If your H were to try to evade his financial responsibilities toward the children or hiding income, is there a professional body he belongs to that would look askance at that?

You need to get access to the financial records. This is extremely important. You need to see his taxes, bank statements, pay stubs, etc. Can you do this?

You also need to find out what he does (and possibly who he does it with) when he's out until midnight.

mathanxiety · 23/09/2023 01:09

Also, ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships.

AIBU is not the place for a serious conversation about a horrible relationship.

mayorofcasterbridge · 23/09/2023 01:10

Universitynewbie · 22/09/2023 23:32

Teaching is not considered a low paid job surely?

^ this!!!

It may not pay as much as the dick husband earns but it's still a pretty respectable income!!

There is no way back here OP. LTB.

Valeriekat · 23/09/2023 01:22

Universitynewbie · 22/09/2023 23:32

Teaching is not considered a low paid job surely?

I wonder what she would think of a minimum wage job. It made me lose sympathy instantly.

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