DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

[cantstopeating1]

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

Thanks for the flowers. 42 years laters later and it still makes me cry when I think about how helpless I felt. Will get off mumsnet now and distract myself with hoovering up dog hair!

@cantstopeating1 - I hope @LDNista doesn’t mind me borrowing her answer from a thread on what girls should be taught, but it is pertinent.

LDNista · Today 11:04

The best thing you can do is model strong, boundaried, self respecting behaviour. I learned this from my Mum, who left my abusive Dad when we were kids, worked damn hard to raise us and then forged an interesting, fulfilling life for herself in middle and older age.

This is not to say you need to walk out tomorrow, I think planning over a year or two is your smartest move (and snoop! pull all his financial info when he doesn’t know you are looking to bag the best deal you can). It is also not to say your kids are terrified in the bedrooms while you row, butthat they will figure out in the coming years how dysfunctional it is. Self respect does ultimately matter more than holidays - although if you build your career and get a proper settlement from him you can have both.

Yep, I understand 💐

Sadly the OP wants to believe that having a big house means that her children are oblivious to it. Maybe she’s right. I hope so.

Even if kids don’t hear fights they pick up on things much more subtly than that. Kids know when their mothers are unhappy.

Do you think that magically stops after the parents split up and the children are plunged into relative Property? Or do you think? Maybe it gets worse?

@NameandShame there are no guarantees but if the relationship is abusive the vast majority of women will be happier, and their children too.

I can understand you dilemma. I know the difference money make in kids' lives. So if you decided that your kids are better off living a wealthy life with parents that hate each other then you need to adjust and wise up. You should not have debts. You should have enough money from the husband to live comfortably yourself. Think about how you can do this. Get a saving account. Try to build up a financial cushion for yourself. And - most impotently - disconnect yourself emotionally. He wants dinner - cook him dinner, he is not home - go to bed. Don't bother worrying. Just say - yes, dear; no, dear. If you find this too hard then, I'm afraid, you will need to leave.

I’m not going to keep lamenting my comments from earlier, but legally I would imagine he’ll wipe the floor with her. The only piece of advice I would give the actually I didn’t know until years years later. is that if you can’t afford a solicitor to look over the details of the consent order, he should be paying for you to have legal representation, even if it’s just an hour with a Solicitor to read through it. Not that that would do any good in my case because as I say it was enforcement was that was the problem.

OP, even if you're determined not to leave him, he may well leave you....coming home so late is a bad sign. You'd do well to look into your entitlement and increase your hours because it isn't 100% your choice whether the two of you stay together and everything you fear could well happen even if not by your decision. But I think you may be surprised at what your situation would be if you looked into it properly and that you really could stay relatively local. A drop from 6 figures is certainly a shock but it's absolutely doable, many women have done it. It seems scarier when you're on that high salary but that's just because you have a much higher than average comparison point.

As PPs have said, you're already poor anyway. You're in debt, you don't get access to the money as it is.

I'm not going to slate you for caring about money, only an idiot wouldn't understand why it's important. But staying like this will cost you in other ways. And even if you make your peace and decide the money is worth the shit marriage, your husband may decide otherwise...so be prepared.

Do you think that magically stops after the parents split up and the children are plunged into relative Property? Or do you think? Maybe it gets worse?

Maybe it does, but how can a child not admire a mother who felt the fear and did it?

Mind you, I'm not saying the OP has to separate and divorce.

I still think, OP, that you should try to get some therapy to deal with your fear of poverty.

My parents split up when I was four and my sister fourteen. She had the SAHM and our father owned a sailing boat, which she got to enjoy. My childhood had none of that, no car, let alone a sailing boat; the washing machine was broken and we were unable to get it fixed, etc. etc. But I am the one who had a happy childhood and my poor sister, to this day, has not forgiven our long dead mother for being depressed all through my sister's childhood.

Everyone being so flippant about money not buying happiness. It's not all about holidays and posh houses. Money bought my daughter braces so she wasn't in pain from misaligned teeth while waiting 2.5 years on the NHS waiting list. It bought her high quality activities that helped her anxiousness and low self-esteem. It buys her a warm house and a full fridge.

There is a middle way between "leave now with zero financial security" and "stay forever" but the vipers of mumsnet just have to stick the knife in and make OP feel even worse than she already does. Do you really imagine the thought of no more ski holidays or mani-pedis are holding her back? Maybe, just maybe, life is a little more complicated than that.

Hope it turned out ok for you? I agree with you. It's good op can vent here. I just wish people were more supportive.

Plenty of people stay in shit marriages for money and kids.

If you can check out emotionally in your head then carry on.

But one question: if he doesn't give you money, why does the money matter?

The money is not for op, she is thinking of her children and how their lifestyle would change. I wish people would stop minimising poverty and the effects it has on children.
"oh ,you may be poor but your children will see a happier mum".
Really? It's not as simple as that at all.

Plenty of people stay in shit marriages for money and kids.
**
If you can check out emotionally in your head then carry on.
**
But one question: if he doesn't give you money, why does the money matter?

All these nice things, posh house, children will not cope with less standards than what's already provided....

What happens if the children are not successful in adulthood to provide same standard of living?

The main concern is less the smaller house and fewer holidays, but more the fact that according to OP, they'd have to move far away and leave their schools etc.

But I'm not convinced there is no way OP could live locally enough to prevent that, even if it does mean downsizing.

In a similar position so I feel you. Do not let his bullshit affect you any longer, stop caring and giving him your attention and get yourself into a position of power, come hell or high water, then leave.

Thats my plan anyway.

Also remember the older the children get, the less power he as.

Oh and don’t let him see it coming either. You have said enough, if he still treats you this way it’s because he doesn’t care about you. Stop caring about him.

Unless you are the child of divorce, I suggest you shut up. Parents who visibly dislike each other is the most disruptive thing a child can face short of physical violence.

I am both the child of a divorce and having put three children through a divorce I have seen all sides of it.

The most disruptive thing 🤣🤣
Moving schools, moving home, losing the ability to maintain hobbies and lifestyles with your friendship groups are the most disturbing things in the world to little children. If you think they give a flying fuck whether you’re happy as a parent or not, you’re delusional.

"I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life"

You keep insisting they are happy and blissfully unaware of anything wrong but all of this directly impacts them. Their father takes no interest in their life? That's huge, I'm sorry. And they will think that is normal and ok unless you do something about it. Happiness is not holidays twice a year or flashy gifts from in laws. But then you're adamant you're staying anyway so what's the point of this thread - we can't change your dh or what he is like and you won't leave so nothing will change as things currently stand.

I completely hear you.
Ironically I am a teacher and on a low pay scale as an ect. There is no way on earth I could do it alone. Childcare, house, travel etc.
I would personally play the long game and start getting some money put away.

I'm not delusional. I remember well hearing the shouting from my bed at night and wishing they would stop. I remember seeing the hacky looks they gave to each other and wondering whether they would start hating me next. If you think that these things don't matter to kids, that kids are so selfish and so short-sighted that they don't care about the mental well-being of the most important adults in their lives, then I'd suggest that you are the deluded one.

Children have to change school any way at 11, if it was truly so disruptive to them then we wouldn't separate primaries from secondaries.

Your experiences are your experiences and nobody can take that away from you. I can only speak from experiences of my family and how I felt as a child and I can safely say that we went out of the frying pan into the fire when my parents divorced things got 100% worse. And equally when I got divorced, my children were ripped away from their middle-class lifestyles plunged into poverty and it’s taken as just over 13 years to get back onto an even keel where they do not have the life that they had before, but it’s not too bad. My own mother went from living with a bit of an arsehole to a man that was arranging alcoholic and nearly strangled her to death on several occasions no doubt you’ll blame her for that. I don’t think she was happier for quite a long time, and a bit of arguing. Probably seemed not too bad in comparison. Anything you’ve got to weigh it all up haven’t you?

And honestly, if you ask any child under the age of Primary School, if they know their mummy and daddy are happy they wouldn’t have a fucking clue. Why would they children are incredibly egocentric it is literally all about them quite rightly because that’s how they survive.