DH thinks he’s done nothing wrong and calls me crazy

[cantstopeating1]

Latest fight: Wednesday morning told him I will make something nice for our dinner and what time will he be home he replied 7pm. I was trying to make things better as for a few years it’s just been me focusing on kids, home and I’ve gone back to work 2 weeks ago. He’s been focused on work. Come 7pm no sign, waited till 8 nothing, sent a text no reply. Called no answer. He came home at 12am! Next day I didn’t speak to him properly (he worked from home). Today he came home in a huff and puff as I “didn’t cook dinner for him yesterday”. Argument got heated (kids: 8 and 4 were in bed so not around). I told him I’m fed up how he treats me, he disrespects me often, takes no interest in the kids life or my life. Never asks me how I am etc, I do everything, the cleaning, cooking, childcare, life admin everything, he called me crazy and a few other things.

no I can’t leave as he pays the mortgage, I have a very low paid job (teaching). He works in a very high paying job, I have no savings so leaving would be very selfish as would destroy my kids life currently and future. He wouldn’t fight me for custody he would just let us leave, I’ve looked into the financials. He would dispute and court case would drag on for years (he’s a lawyer) I have jo family support and when I called a Womens shelter they were not very helpful at all. Basically told me the shelter is a short term solution and as I’m working I should be able to rent a place. Council was not helpful either.

Do you have any friends or real life support you can turn to OP? And yes I agree with the idea of individual rather than couples counselling. It’s about building up your confidence so you know more clearly what you want and how to get there.

At the moment it feels to me that you know you want to leave but are scared (understandably) and using financial reasons and the children as barriers. I think in all but the most extreme of cases these can be overcome, and are overcome by thousands of people every year. Of course, many many people undoubtedly also stay in unhappy or even abusive relationships for financial reasons. But it doesn’t quite sound to me that you’ve made up your mind to be one of them.

Do you think children can't pick up on misery and unhappiness? Sense tension? Wonder why mum cooked a meal but dad didn't come home? They're not being brought up in a loving and happy home, no matter what you claim. Two amazing holidays a year are not compensation for this. There's some good advice on here - start planning.

You seem to hate a lot of things people are saying, forgetting of course that many many of us have been through this scenario and have actual lived experience that these things are possible to achieve. If you really want to.

what are you hoping to get from posting here? Just to vent? Get advice? Because if you want us to tell you how to change this appalling husband into a half decent human being, you’re out of luck. Because that’s not possible. He’s been an arsehole for your entire relationship. He’s not going to change now. And why would he? It works for him and he knows you’ll never leave.

That's good you got out. I left a lawyer too. I rented a house. No abuse just a marriage that wasn't working. We shared care as much as possible and get on well. I wish all ex's could be like that for dcs sake.

Also, make sure that as you plan, you inform your line manager and headteacher. You know how impossible it is to get a leave of absence as a teacher, so flag it up for exceptional circumstances.

Might he leave you first and it be him who initiates the divorce? It might not be all in your hands...worth thinking about when you are scheming.

It doesn't sound like you love him, just see him as a financier of a lifestyle you want. That must hurt. Maybe it's why he spends as little time with you as possible?

It all just sounds like a very bleak set up.

Flag it up with the line manager after working there for two weeks ? She most likely get sacked. Some of you really do live in cloud cuckoo land.

I agree with what you've said about playing the long game. Honestly, in your situation I'd view myself as a single parent, I'd squirrel away all the money you earn from teaching. The longer you're with him the more money of his you'll be entitled to long term, more pension etc. The longer you're with him the less likely he'll be to father other children with a new woman (in terms of protecting your kids inheritance etc) hell, if you're feeling particularly vindictive you could even try to convince him to get a vasectomy. If he's being such a selfish bugger now you can play that game too. I'd probably use his money to keep myself looking young and fresh ready for my next husband.

All comes down to whether it's worth staying with this man to sustain the lifestyle you and your kids are accustomed to.

Money or love.

No. She won't be sacked. I don't live in cloud cuckoo land but work in education. We are encouraged to confidentially share personal issues in case we need a leave of absence, eg imminent divorce, family member terminally ill, other serious issues. Then support can be put into place. I've seen it and managed it dozens of times. We had a colleague confide that her husband was a gambling addict. We were able to support her, and give an emergency loa when she had to move house at short notice.

Had the individual been working there 2 weeks ?
my sister couldn’t even get her planned Caesarean authorised as leave because it was unexpected. I’d say the OP would be told to come back to Work when her life was a bit more settled, and she was able to concentrate her efforts more on her role would be the far more likely outcome.

It's just about keeping management in the loop. If there are tricky circumstances, if something escalates. You know what it's like getting a loa - however, being aware, they may be able to consider the issue rather than not know, and get some emergency message one morning, then book last minute supply.
Anyway. Just some advice. OP can take or ignore. Some school management is slightly more flexible than others.

OP - some good advice on here. If you want to persist, talk about couples counselling. If it's a lost cause, start the planning.

It’s your choice if you’d rather stay for the money. I wouldn’t but many women do. You’d be entitled to half of everything and maintenance so you’d certainly be able to afford a decent standard of living. You might need to rent until it’s sorted or stay in the house. I suspect you’ll just stay. Which is your choice of course. We only have one life, don’t waste or unhappy is my advice. You’d be in a better position than many

Don't forget that your credit card debt is family debt. It gets cleared by family money before any assets are shared out. He is financially abusing you by letting you struggle for money.
Get yourself informed on divorce, find out about his earnings, savings and pension, play the long game, settle into working life, catch your breath.
The kids can still have the fantastic holidays with Dad and grandparents, and they can have lovely memorable low key beachcombing holidays with you. Guess what kids love best? Time with Mum, picnics, tree climbing, rockpooling. All is not lost.
Arrange to receive Child Benefit. It will cost him in tax, but if he's too mean to share family money, do what.....
You can do this. He's not God. He's just convinced you he's omnipotent.
💐

There is a lot of naive people here who don't understand abuse and at best the relationship is financially abusive, at worst emotionally and financially abusive.
Op I suggest contacting womens aid, even if youvarent leaving yet, who can point you in the direction of legal advice and practical help.
In the meantime, consider your relationship ended, look after you and the kids, speak to him about practicalities only. If he says things like "where is my dinner?" Give him the facts, " your dinner is on the counter, it's cold because you were late".
Try not to show emotion, plan days out with the kids, get them.used to appreciating picnics in the park or walks in the wood. Then when you are in a better position, you will feel stronger good luck op x

@cantstopeating1 I was in a very similar position to you. I left a high earning lawyer and had to give up the lifestyle we had. I have to tell you it was 100% worthwhile. The kids did not see this as an issue - that they didn't get their 2 holidays a year, that we had to move to a crappier house in a crappier area. That we are now without many of the trappings of wealth that we had.

My ex was a lawyer too and an abusive one at that. Of course he made it as difficult as he could for me to divorce him and of course he continues to make it as difficult as he can. But I don't regret it one tiny bit. The only thing I regret is that I left it so long. And you are deluding yourself if your kids don't see what is happening.

You also seem to think you'll be left with nothing! You won't. Your H is the father of the children, he WILL have to pay to house and maintain them. They are legally entitled to that. I would suggest that in order to make decisions which are based on fact, not an incorrect view of post-divorce finances, that you speak to a solicitor. I had a brilliant one who was well aware of what male lawyers are like and she played him so well. Only then can you make a decision about what the future should look like - how can you possibly make any decisions right now (including, in my view, the huge mistaken decision that you need to stay with him) without having that knowledge and information? I strongly suggest you at least get good advice so that you can plan what you need to do.

I would leave.
That is a crap life!
Money, you are a teacher! That is a good job. You will manage. He will pay maintenance.
No way I would have mi kids living with this example!

Do a benefits calculator, it may not be what you want but gets you out a crap situation and it’s not permanent to not better yourself as the kids get older

You have one life that’s it.

See a solicitor plus what does your DH do for a living? Can he hide his wages by taking dividends or anything like that.

My parents thought they were putting on a good act of being happily married but I remember sitting on the stairs shivering in the cold and dark listening to my father shouting and my mother trying to appease him. I was so afraid that he'd hurt her. Although there was little a 10 year old child could do to help and I was scared, I planned to run in and get between them if he started hitting her.

"I'd probably use his money to keep myself looking young and fresh ready for my next husband."

What the actual fuck?!!!!!

I don't even know where to start with this.

Interesting how you keep mentioning luxury holidays. As if that was what life was about.
Sorry you are married to such a man.

@cantstopeating1 it’s not at all easy to just get a financial settlement so don’t listen to anyone on here who tells you so. Yes you will be entitled to halve and actually more and maintenance but how will you get it. I know as I have been through this, there is no legal aid for divorce unless you are being physically abused so you have to pay yourself.

I’m in the south and family solicitors all charged between £250 and £350 plus VAT per hour. My ex was a high earner, I had been but had not worked for 15 years while we had 4 children and then was in part time low paid job to fit in with school hours. I had a coercive controlling husband who emotionally abused me for many years and as a result I lost confidence and developed depression so am not now able to work full time in a stressful demanding job.
he actually left me in the end, I like you didn’t leave as I couldn’t finance anything, also children were in private schools with lots of clubs, lessons, holidays and I didn’t want to take all that away from them.
ididnt know but a divorce and a finiancial settlement are two different things and you can get a divorce (which my husband was trying to do) without also sorting out the finances. He had all the pension, shares and earning power and so wanted to keep it. I applied for lots of credit cards all at the same time and got a solicitor,it was me £50k, all on credit to take him through the courts to get my settlement. He fought me every step of the way, he refused to share his credit card statements, his share statements, we had to get a pension report, everything had to be forced out if him by a judge at my expense. You can get an interim maintenance order fairly quickly but that cost me £5k in maintenance to get. I had to get a court order to prevent the divorce until the financial settlement was in place. In the end I had maxed out my cards and I was struggling hugely with the repayments so
I had to represent myself in court. This was hugely stressful, particularly when he had top solicitors and barristers. It was like a full time job. The final hearing we had 4 folders of paper work and 250 sides of a4 of documents that I had to be all over. I eventually got half his pension and 75% of the house when it sells and maintenance until the youngest has finishes university but my legal fees debt has to come out of that as the court didn’t award any of my fees. It took 3 years through the courts and even now he is threatening to go back to court as we can’t sell the house in this market, just no interest. I’ve had to keep paying all the bills on the family home all this time as he just stopped them all onto by bank account before he moved out and the utility bills are crippling me.

if your husband is a lawyer he will throw everything at you to stop you getting your fair share but you are entitled to more as the courts will take his earning capacity into account and the age of your children makes it unrealistic to work full time at the moment. Don’t delay too long sorting this out, you need a plan as you will get fairer treatment while the children are young. Mine were late teens and the judge didn’t award me maintenance as he said I needed to work full time and wasn’t maximising my earning capacity. He ignored my mental health, letters from my doctor and the impact my ex has had on my ability to work. I am slowly starting to rebuild myself but the court experience takes a huge toll especially if you have an ex who is proficient in lying and lies to the judge constantly in a very smooth and believable way so that I looked bad all the time.

i do regret not leaving him when the children were young as actually it’s been harder for them having it happen. To them in their exam years at school which he hasn’t cared about disrupting. Maybe citizens advice can help you and start by insisting he leaves and start divorcing him. Good luck.

My friend was in a relationship like this. She used it to her advantage - buttered up DH so she was managing the finances ‘to make his life easier’, dinner on the table, sweetened him enough up to pay for a cleaner / wraparound childcare so she could focus on work, and then used this to build up savings. She even started dating while he was away, and by the time she left and applied for the divorce she was in a good place financially and in a new relationship! Not saying you should do all of this, but playing the long game will definitely help you.