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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t know what to do, so so sad

248 replies

broekns · 22/09/2023 08:22

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

OP posts:
Clean3r · 22/09/2023 08:25

Aw op, your baby won't be lonely it will have you!

his parents death has this any impact on how he feels about parenthood how old was he when this happened?

Have you got any support network around you?

If ibwasbyou though I wouldn't terminate I would have the baby

RichardsGear · 22/09/2023 08:27

Well, he sounds like a bit of a shit and you've had a lucky escape! Are your parents still alive? Do you have wider family? Do you want to carry on with the pregnancy? I hope he accepts that he'll have to contribute financially even if he doesn't want anything to do with the child.

Original poster
broekns · 22/09/2023 08:27

@Clean3r i don’t know, he totally changed after the scan. He won’t talk to me about it and just says he doesn’t want to be a parent.

OP posts:
Catza · 22/09/2023 08:28

It's a shitty situation but if you really want a baby, I can assure you, they won't feel like they are missing out. They will have you and your side of the family. My parents weren't together when I was born and I was the happiest child as far as I remember and as far as I am being told. I met my dad for the first time when I was two and really wish I didn't. I have my perfect family on my mum's side and this is plenty for me.
Not to mention that you are not limited in your chances to meet a man a little later who will adore your little one.

Sirzy · 22/09/2023 08:28

What do you want? Discount him, do you want to have a baby?

baby will be fine with one loving parent. Do what feels right for you.

Original poster
broekns · 22/09/2023 08:28

@RichardsGear i want the baby very much but never imagined it would be alone. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me this when I was 6 weeks pregnant. It feels so cruel as I’ve seen my baby now, I can’t let them go but I am so scared I am harming them already by bringing them into the world with an awful dad.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 22/09/2023 08:29

It's a really sad situation for you that your relationship has broken down over the pregnancy. However don't terminate unless you actively don't want a baby. If you want it, you can do it.

EasternStandard · 22/09/2023 08:30

I’m so so sorry. This is incredibly hard

I don’t have an answer but here to support as you think things through

Original poster
broekns · 22/09/2023 08:31

@Catza do you remember meeting him when your were two or do you mean you started seeing him frequently from then on? I don’t think he will have any involvement at all, he’s been very clear he wants no part in it. I do have family on my side but I just don’t know anyone who grew up without a dad (unless they had died) so I am scared I guess of knowing how to manage that for a child. I feel out of my depth already. I have cried so much the last couple of weeks I just don’t know what is best.

OP posts:
Original poster
broekns · 22/09/2023 08:32

We went for an early scan at 7 weeks and he was positive about it all and I said I would frame the scan photo, he said that was great etc. I just can’t believe he can be so cruel. I am broken.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/09/2023 08:33

I'm sure if you have the baby, they will be absolutely fine. It's much better for a child to have always been brought up by just their mum, rather than have a parent living with them who isn't interested in them, or going through a potentially messy break up etc. So I don't think you need to worry about the 'how can I do this to a child' aspect (and he may well change his mind when the child is older anyway).

So the decision really has to be based on what you want. Do you want a baby? Do you think you'd be able to cope on your own? Have you got family nearby who would help?

Weatherwax13 · 22/09/2023 08:35

Don't end the pregnancy if you want your baby. Heaps of children grow up without a father. It's really not uncommon. A loving mother is worth more than a thousand crappy fathers, I promise you.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/09/2023 08:37

What a shit of man, not ready to grow up and be a parent at 37.

I would have no issue in being very open about what he did, to change his mind at 12 weeks gestation is just shocking.

Of course he might just might change his mind when the baby's born, but could you ever trust h

Catza · 22/09/2023 08:38

broekns · 22/09/2023 08:31

@Catza do you remember meeting him when your were two or do you mean you started seeing him frequently from then on? I don’t think he will have any involvement at all, he’s been very clear he wants no part in it. I do have family on my side but I just don’t know anyone who grew up without a dad (unless they had died) so I am scared I guess of knowing how to manage that for a child. I feel out of my depth already. I have cried so much the last couple of weeks I just don’t know what is best.

Well, it's a bit of a long story but my mum was going to get married to a wonderful man when I was about two years old but my grandparents basically bullied her into marrying my dad instead because they though "a child will be better with her own dad". They are not proud of it now but my mother caved in. That's how we ended up living with my dad and he was a complete arsehole. We eventually left him. I am still sad that my mum didn't marry the guy she was originally planning to. He is a wonderful man, adored me, and is still writing her letters and asking about me every time they speak (I am 40 now).
Obviously, play it by ear but I would say it is not guaranteed that a child brought up with a father is going to be any happier than a single-parent child. And if your ex eventually comes around wanting a relationship with them or you, I would think long and hard before agreeing for it to happen.

Spinet · 22/09/2023 08:39

He is an absolute dick but at this stage he is an irrelevance (albeit a hurtful and two-faced one). Focus only on yourself as you are in this position, not how you wish you were, and what you want and can do. You don't have to have the baby and you don't have to abort either. You can do whatever works for you and your life.

Crucible · 22/09/2023 08:43

I think you should give yourself a bit of time to recover from the shock of his behaviour, and then you can start to change focus to you and your baby. Being housed and in an ok job with prospects and one loving parent sounds like an excellent start for your little one to me, many begin with far less, and still they thrive. You both will.
At 37 years old?, Jesus wept these are the consequences of a sex life. He will do what he does and he can no longer be the focus. When little Reginald or Noelene comes along, they'll have a great Mum. These are the daftest temporary baby names I can come up with. Good luck to you both.

PaminaMozart · 22/09/2023 08:49

Obviously he is a complete and utter shit.

However...

At this point you need to focus on what YOU want. What you think is best for YOU.

Taking all the (understandable) emotions out of it:

Do you want to be a single parent?
Or not.

Either way you'll ultimately have to deal with extremely difficult emotions. But if you think of the practicalities and visualize your future - what would you choose?

Dontjudgeme101 · 22/09/2023 08:50

💐💐💐💐

LodiDodi · 22/09/2023 08:53

Plenty of children have absent fathers and are happy, healthy and loved. My cousin had her first baby at only 18 and the father never met the baby. She was broke too, no home, nothing. The child is now a happy, bright 13 year old and she married another man this year with whom she had another baby last year. Not that all this is necessary, just that she was able to raise her first child wonderfully with very little help (but a lot of credit to her). That's all that matters. If you want your baby, keep your baby OP.

COPPER3 · 22/09/2023 08:55

Sending you the biggest hug..
Please keep your baby.
I will return to this thread and I know you will get great support and advice from MN. xxxx

cringelibrarian · 22/09/2023 08:58

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

Mitmat · 22/09/2023 08:59

It doesn’t sound like you don’t want your baby, it sounds like your heart is broken.

He’s a twat for leaving you like this, but tbh you might look back and thank him one day. It’s hard being a single parent but weirdly easier than being in a relationship with a man child such as this while looking after an actual child.

StolenCookie · 22/09/2023 09:00

Trust in yourself OP. I speak as a clinical psychologist - babies and children need only ONE consistent and loving relationship to thrive. Just one. Having two loving parents is of course a bonus, but your child will not be damaged from having just you. They will of course have questions and probably some sadness about their father, but this isn’t a reason not to give them the opportunity of all the other loves they will experience in life. You can do it (IF you want to!) xx

ClairDeLaLune · 22/09/2023 09:00

OP you are enough! Your baby will have a very loving parent in you. You are already thinking about what’s best for your baby, you’ll be a great mum. I would suggest counselling to help you process all this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2023 09:00

Sirzy · 22/09/2023 08:28

What do you want? Discount him, do you want to have a baby?

baby will be fine with one loving parent. Do what feels right for you.

This, I think.

And in a way you’ve had a lucky escape from him, if he’s the kind of person who could act like this.

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