I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

I think you should try and work out if you can move beyond the - wholly understandable - grief about the loss of your partner, and try thinking about how you might support your child if you want to go through with this.

If most of the people you know are in 'conventional' two parent families, it is harder than if you have an network of friends who are single parents or in blended families.

Will your family and friends be supportive of you and the baby? Or do you fear they might turn away, because they only want people who 'fit'?

My worry would be that if you don't trust yourself to move beyond the grief you might bring up a child and convey to that child, 'Oh if only your Dad was here,' What a shame your Dad doesn't want to know.' So they would pick up on your sadness and somehow feel responsible - or as if they weren't enough for you.

I am sorry if that is not what you want to hear. But I think you have to want this child extra-hard given the current circumstances. So I'd go along with the suggestion that you see a counsellor who will help you find the right way forward.

If you do decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy, there are still future opportunities for you to find a loving partner and start a family.

You need to think on how you would cope with a baby on your own. It is really tough, child care is expensive and without a network it is so hard. Also, the way things are with COL and climate change. You may end up relying on welfare if you have to stop working. I know personally I wouldn’t have kids now. However, being a single mother is very common nowadays. Also, is being in a one child family.

I wish you all the best wherever you decide. It is not easy either way. I feel so disgusted about how man can wash their hands from the situation so easily.

I was you op and I carried on and now he's a thriving 6 year old.
He is the absolute light of my life and brings me so much joy.
He has no relationship with his Dad which has brought its challenges but he's still very happy.

That’s really shitty.

what do you want to do? Families come in all different forms. I grew up without a dad (no contact) and it was fine as I didn’t know any different.

You may end up relying on welfare if you have to stop working

oh give over. Why would she need to stop working? Unless she’s doing night shifts as a hospital consultant or something she’ll be fine - work/ life balance has changed, most companies are more flexible. And don’t forget the extra free childcare is coming in soon.

You are enough op. Have the baby ❤️
If it were me, I'd want to keep him off the birth certificate so I wasn't tied to him if he decided to mess me around at any point... clean slate.

The whole thing is a shock, a mess, and you're grieving. I can't stress enough, you are not responsible for him. He makes his own decisions and you cannot control those. All you can do is raise this beautiful child, teach them not to be an a hole, teach them resilience, empathy, love.... And you can do it. Change your mindset, you will rise to the occasion ❤️

No guarantee of this.

OP. My wonderful 20 year old ds never really knew his ‘dad’. I have been single all this time. You manage. Single-motherhood is, though no walk in the park, is very very common and very very doable, and for some, preferable. It has so many advantages; you get to make all the decisions without, often, ridiculous and frustrating conflicting opinions.
It is perfectly manageable in that you are totally in control of how your child is raised and you can be truthful without being cruel. It is the way you term the father’s absence that largely helps form your own child’s feelings about the situation.
We have always been a complete family. I built this around him with my parents, sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. Yes, the father piece is a missing part of the puzzle but I was able to ensure this was only a very tiny, insignificant piece.

Oh @broekns I'm sorry he was such a fundamentally massive prick. That must have been quite a shock.

But to look at it from another point of view - thank goodness he was clear about being such a massive prick now. It would have been so much worse if he had hidden his massive bellend behaviour until the child was old enough to know him and care, and then he fucked off.

Your baby will not know anything other than being born into a loving home with a parent who cherishes them. That is not in any way a negative. My DH's family aren't remotely interested in our girls sadly so despite having a big "family" his side, the girls don't know them really at all and often ask why they don't want to visit them 💔 It is very sad but ultimately we can't force people to be part of our children's lives but we can ensure that all the people around them are people who love them and care about them.

It is absolutely his loss. 💕

I’m thinking of my emotionally intelligent, popular, successful friend whose mum is great and whose father cleared off while she was pregnant… I wouldn’t say his father had no impact on his life, but he’s a great person who had a really good childhood and strong family relationships. Best of luck with making your decisions and for the future. 💐

If I could choose whether to have brought my kids up alone or with their dad, they'd have been 100% better off if I did it alone. Their dad turned out to be an absolute asshole and has damaged them to no end. Have your baby and live a happy life with them, you and they do not need any man to make life great. In fact, it's a blessing having them all to yourself

Absolutely do not terminate.

I don't have grandparents and I'm fine.

The sperm donor can do whatever he wants, his choice. He's just an idiot and will be paying child support.

Please research abortion, how your little baby has progressed and please get support.

You've gone this far. He could have left you any day after the birth. Talk is cheap.

I don't really have any valuable advice but I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, my heart aches for you. None of this is your fault and if you do decide to bring the baby into the world, the baby will have all of the love it needs from you. Wishing you lots of strength and love x

First of all I'm so sorry you've been unexpectedly left in this situation, but please please take this as a lucky escape from an incompetent man. Believe me, being on your own is a thousand times better than being with someone who is not up to the job.

Secondly, you are everything this baby needs, and you can bring each other so much joy. Yes it is hard to bring up a baby on your own, but you will work it out, it is not impossible. There are practical things to consider, but honestly, having a man around often does not help. If you want this baby, go for it.

He is scum but you are in a very good position to do this on your own - own house, good job, financially secure, no other kids. I'm not going to lie parenting is hard but it's not all work, there is also tons and tons of joy and love like you've never experienced. I know this isn't what you planned but this pregnancy is actually great news for you - if you'd waited another few years to start trying you may well have never had a baby. And if he's going to fuck off its better he does it now rather than later when it will break your child's heart. You don't deserve this and it will feel very very hard but you are about to discover just how strong you really are, and you and your baby are going to be a beautiful, happy team. Trust that things happen for a reason and trust in your own ability to handle whatever life throws at you. You're a mum now. You've got this 💪💪💪

Hi OP

Changed my name for this … as I’m trying to not be outing (or connect previous posts)

My sister had a similar experience to you, fell pregnant by a useless man .. she was in her early 20s, and love-blinded (as we are). He was useless when the baby was born, and they finally split when baby was a few weeks old. She brought him up as a single parent, working full time in demanding profession. As a family we helped where we could, but I know emotionally it was very difficult for her. My nephews father was “flaky”, in & out (normally with a new woman in tow), never paid a penny etc.

DN is now enormously sucessful, famous (hence the name change!), so close with his mum, he is happy, well adjusted, always known he was loved. We had the usual angst growing up (who doesn’t), but my sister did it all on her own. DN sees his dad for what he is now, he only comes crawling out the woodwork when he senses something for himself … but is sent packing.

You can do this, if you choose too .. it seems daunting at first, but you’ll get there (and hopefully in 30 years time they will be buying you a house!)

Well ... @broekns I feel a bit irrationally triggered by your post.

I was in a relationship & got pregnant (had a coil but it failed & i know why now but...) & my partner said 'keep it & we're over or get rid & we carry on as we are.

I said okay ... Bye.

He would then pop in & out of my life as it suited him, when he felt guilty or curious.

He came and met my (yes, I say my because I did all the growing, the c-section, the raising, the loving) son once when he was a year old - full of promises that things would be different & he wanted to visit regularly ... he didn't.

My son is now 14 and not once has he felt tortured by not 'having a Dad' in his life, in fact sometimes he's expressed that he's grateful because 'no Dad is much better than a bad Dad'.

The question you really need to be asking is - do you want to be a mother? That is the only thing to consider.

Lots of children have no father or one that's not their biological one & grow up to be brilliant humans.

I suspect that your hormones are playing a big part in your current feelings...

My guess would be that the loss of his parents has damaged him and he has some trauma. Doesn't help you right now but he may come back to the baby when she/he is born. Not saying you should accept him back to your relationship.
You are clearly a capable woman if you have a mortgage on your own. Your child will know no different of not having a dad. It's your input in their lives that will shape them. Your love that will support them. You are enough for that baby. There are so many different family structures.
Enjoy your pregnancy and the amazing future you will have with your baby!

So sorry you're going through this OP. I hate men sometimes.

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like you want to have a termination so in your position I would keep your baby and find a way to make it work as a single mum.

Do you have support from your family and friends?

Don't put the fucker on the birth certificate or give your baby his surname.

It sounds like you'll be a great mum. You don't need him, your baby doesn't need him. I know this is a really hard decision, I totally feel for you.

Lots of us bring up children alone. I did and they are fabulous adults now. My parents didn't live close by but we saw them lots. If you want this baby then don't throw away the chance. At 34 you need to consider that time is against you. It is all entirely what you, and only you,want.

Sending support - another vote not to terminate, as it sounds like you already love and want your baby.

It will be hard but you can do this! It will be rewarding too. Your baby will have you and that’s ultimately enough.

so sorry that your partner has let you down in this way. 💐

Allow a little time to mourn the idea of 2 parents.
Then get onto some serious planning as to how it is going to work.
Finances. What will you have coming in/out over the first 3 years? Include maintenance as a nice to have. Benefits? You might qualify for some UC once you factor in nursery costs. Can you flex mortgage terms? Interest free for a while or extend term?
Emotional support. Who will help? Parents, siblings, friends?
Once you have a plan you will be unbeatable

This.

Wishing you all the best OP.

And I was your baby.