Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

I don’t know what to do, so so sad

248 replies

broekns · 22/09/2023 08:22

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

OP posts:

writteninthewater · 22/09/2023 13:25

The baby wouldn't exist if you had a termination so you're not doing the baby any favours by having a termination. You didn't plan to have a baby with an arsehole, this is not your fault. Better to know this now and not just before you give birth or after the baby arrives. Best of luck.

EuphemiaFuckaduck · 22/09/2023 13:43

Given that the baby already exists: on balance, it's better to have a baby by a crap man who stays away from your child than one who sticks around. I heartily wish my ex husband had vanished when our children were very small as it would have been far easier to be a single parent right from the outset. It would have been the better of the two less-than-ideal options for the children, too.

SoShallINever · 22/09/2023 13:44

Ahh love, that's so hard. He can leave you to bring up the baby but he can't absolve himself from all financial responsibility, he will have to pay maintenance. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I think you need to talk things over with a real life friend or relative (if that's possible) then make a decision based on what is right for you. If you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy, It's daunting to think about being a single mum but it's the lived reality for millions of women. My best friend chose to be a single mum by adopting on her own, she and her child are thriving. If you decide to terminate then don't let anyone undermine your decision or guilt trip you. Good luck.

Startingagainandagain · 22/09/2023 13:44

If you want the baby then keep the baby!

That coward will still have to contribute financially and your kid will have you as a loving parent.

He has shown you the type of man he really is and at least you were not married to him/don't have joint assets.

So try to leave him out of your thoughts, and focus only on yourself and the baby from now on.

SJP306 · 22/09/2023 13:51

I had my first child at 18, the dad has never met her his choice. Had my second at 20, another scumbag. None of my children see their dads, they have me and that's always been enough for them x

webster1987 · 22/09/2023 14:00

When your baby arrives OP, you will see that it truly his is loss. It's hard on you to not have the support from him and the relationship you might have hoped for during your first pregnancy. Baby won't be lonely though, he will have you.

user14699084658 · 22/09/2023 14:08

kindly OP, you are 34, knocking on a bit in terms of fertility no matter how people like to pretend otherwise these days. If you want to be a parent, go for it!
He might come round in time, he might not. Best of luck.

SuspiciousDuck · 22/09/2023 14:08

Find your anger. Let him fuck off back to his extended childhood.

Have the baby, love the baby, be the best imperfect parent you can be. That’s enough.

CapEBarra · 22/09/2023 14:13

Congratulations on your baby, OP. I very much believe in choice when it comes to pregnancy and can see why you are contemplating a termination. However, you want to be a mother, your baby is wanted and will be very loved, and importantly, you are 34. Even if you have a termination now you will not be ready to dat again for at least another few months, then you have to meet someone you want to have kids with (quantities of these ‘good quality’ men really starts tailing off in your 30s), and get pregnant again. Assuming everything goes to plan and you meet someone quickly, you’re realistically looking at another 2-3 years minimum. And even then, you could find yourself in the same situation. In all honesty, if you want a child, this is your best shot. It’s not perfect, but then nothing ever is, and there are babies born into much worse situations. You will be a great mum and you will enjoy it.

loislovesstewie · 22/09/2023 14:30

I think if you terminate the pregnancy you are really going to feel the loss. Look, loads of women bring up children by themselves quite successfully. Some men do the same [ my mum died when I was a child and i was brought up by my dear dad]. You can do it, and as others have said, it's better, heaps better, to have one loving parent than 2 parents who fight, or are emotionally abusing each other. Think of it this way, you can do without him stressing you very easily and enjoy your baby.

Applesonthelawn · 22/09/2023 14:36

Listen love, you'll be fine. The future brings all sorts of things that you cannot anticipate. You may find a man who wants to love your child as his own. You may find you are very able to raise your child yourself. You may find there is so much joy in motherhood that it doesn't matter. Your child may end up with the best mum in the world, be stable and loved and balanced. The world seems frightening to you at the moment because you are heartbroken but it will honestly not always be this way.
My child's father left when he was 5 weeks old, having told me he was going when I was 27 weeks pregnant. That child is 21 now and I wouldn't change a single thing about it. I met my dh when ds was 7, married him when ds was 13, so he does have a stable father figure. He also sees his bio dad occasionally (once a year or so), just enough to know who he is and what he's like, but not enough for it to be an interference.
My point is, you don't know what the future holds, none of us do. It'll likely be a mixture of good and bad, but you'll cope, just as we all have to. If you want to be a mum, then be one, even if the circumstances aren't perfect. Even if they had been perfect, they often don't stay that way. Let go of the fear and believe in yourself.

crabby · 22/09/2023 14:51

I was in a similar position to you. I got pregnant just a few months into a relationship as I thought I was infertile. I had previously been married and tried to conceive for years (incl IVF) with no luck. Like you, I was 34. The relationship broke down just before the 20 week scan, and he told me that if we were not together, he would want nothing to do with the baby. I was horrified. The pregnancy was consumed with anxiety, stress, fear, loneliness and sadness. I very much wanted a baby, but with someone who wanted to have one with me and definitely not on my own. As soon as my son arrived, the black cloud was lifted, as being pregnant on my own was SO much worse than having a baby on my own. For practical reasons, when he was 3 weeks old, I moved to a city 120 miles away where I knew absolutely nobody which was not what I wanted and was highly daunting.....and its been great. My son is now nearly 20. The early years had their tough times as he was a terrible sleeper, but overall it was manageable and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I met my husband when he was 2 and we also have a 16 year old. Not having his biological father in the picture has allowed my husband to be his one and only dad, and has been a total blessing with hindsight. My son has never seen his biological father, but I hear he got married and he hasn't been able to have more children, so I hope he regrets dumping the one he did have! You CAN do it on your own and as others have said, having a child is definitely NOT a barrier to finding love!

Henbags · 22/09/2023 15:08

Please don’t abort your baby. It will be ok.

Helpmeimtired · 22/09/2023 15:33

My father abandoned me and didn’t have him in my life. My mum was so amazing i didn’t miss a father at all.

CClaire · 22/09/2023 15:34

@PaminaMozart correct. It isn’t ME and it isn’t YOU. That’s why I’m not opining either way on a termination. I’m purely commenting on the particular worries she has re absent father.

CoQ10 · 22/09/2023 15:44

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/09/2023 08:33

I'm sure if you have the baby, they will be absolutely fine. It's much better for a child to have always been brought up by just their mum, rather than have a parent living with them who isn't interested in them, or going through a potentially messy break up etc. So I don't think you need to worry about the 'how can I do this to a child' aspect (and he may well change his mind when the child is older anyway).

So the decision really has to be based on what you want. Do you want a baby? Do you think you'd be able to cope on your own? Have you got family nearby who would help?

This is good advice.

I have twins - now 11 - who I brought up alone. They are stable and loved. That's all that children need.

A neighbour with three kids is going through a divorce after her long-term husband cheated on her. Complete chaos and disruption causing huge emotional turmoil for the kids.

I think what the poster above said is what you need to think through. Also you are (quite) young. You may meet someone else, you may marry, you may have more children in the future.

Good luck. 👍

jelly79 · 22/09/2023 16:14

This happened to me OP. Planned pregnancy and he left at 20 weeks.
I was so broken and scared. But I can honestly say it's been the best years of my life, doing it alone is scary but oh so rewarding! You get all the best bits!

My ex is a Disney dad now

Look after yourself OP and if you want to message to chat please do

Tarmaced · 22/09/2023 17:52

emilybr · 22/09/2023 12:23

He can't be put on the birth certificate unless he consents

Show quote history

@emilybr Yes, I know that but if he comes round to the idea of being a Dad & asks the OP to add him, she needs to tell him to 'do one'.

Suckingalemon · 22/09/2023 19:49

Do you have family near by OP? Would the baby have loving grandparents and aunts/uncles on your side?

I think you should have your baby if its what you want. You will make it work.

Longdarkcloud · 23/09/2023 10:11

As @Coffeesnob11 says , single parenting has a flexibility that most other mothers don’t have. Her post brings back memories of how we could live to timetable that suited us. No pressure to get home to prepare a meal at a specific time etc. Just do what suits you and your DC.
Sure it’s not easy being responsible for everything but you get used to that and can do it your way and you don’t feel resentful because your other half isn’t pulling his weight and is making additional demands.
So much joy to be had and I’d do it again.

SisterJo · 23/09/2023 10:16

My relationship with my ex broke down when I was pregnant because he was angry about the pregnancy. My DS doesn’t know this is the reason because I have never told him (and will never tell him). His dad did come around to a degree and they have had a relationship. He has a few issues with his dad, but he is a totally wonderful, happy (now nearly adult) lad. If you want your baby, just have your baby.

SisterJo · 23/09/2023 10:18

It is possible as well, that the reality has scared him, because, for example, he had a terrible relationship with his dad that he doesn’t want to repeat. I’m not saying it to excuse him, but to say there might be hope of him coming round and having a relationship with his child.

Murdoch1949 · 23/09/2023 11:38

So sorry you are in this situation, when you should be enjoying your first pregnancy. You have a terrible dilemma but have a few weeks to decide your future. If you continue with your pregnancy you must do it as a single parent, not hoping that the father will change his mind. Think carefully about the practicalities - finances, childcare, emotional and practical support etc. Life as a single mum will be hard, but totally doable. Are your parents close by and supportive, that could be a key factor. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10