I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

Oh honey, the fact you’re aware of this and not ploughing on regardless shows that you are going to be one fabulous mummy.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and you’ll create something so special for your baby with those around you who love and care for you!

I’ve worked with children all my life and they don’t need a formulaic family, they just need to be surrounded by love!

How much support will you get from your family? Will they help you if your child is ill etc. Will they help with school drop offs and pick ups?

It is very diffcult being a single mother if you do not have support from family.

OP I haven't voted because I don't think you are unreasonable for feeling how you do but I also think you want to have your baby. You are in a reasonable situation, the man who got you pregnant will have to pay child support but has no right to call himself father and like others have said, you had a lucky escape. How a man can be in a serious relationship at 37 years old, be sexually active and not prepared to accept fatherhood is beyond me.

You sound amazing and your baby will be lucky to have you!

I hear you, you're in an awful situation. At conception you thought of this as a bundle of cells and might have taken a different course, but now you are bonding with the life within you and you're torn.
I wasn't born to a lone parent but I was separated from my children's father. Our co-parent was less than ideal but neither of my children have ever wished they weren't here.
You sound like you are more than prepared to put in the hard work and sacrifice for your child but you are concerned your child will be deprived and that it's somehow unfair to bring them into this world.
You nursing a broken heart and likely a complete sense of abandonment yet still you are putting your child's welfare above your own.
I'm sure others echo my thoughts

You are enough!

If you don’t want to do this, don’t do it. He isn’t a factor.

If you want this baby, keep it.

At 34 I would definitely go ahead with the baby. I wonder why he changed like that? What kind of family did he have, do you know?

Seriously OP he would have made a rubbish dad anyway if he flees at the first sign of trouble.
I brought up my son on my own at 21, I had nothing, We were enough for each other and now he is 41 we have a wonderful loving relationship. He tracked his father down when he was older but they don't have any kind of relationship and he isn't bothered by that.
I went on to train for a medical career and bought us a house and we had a very nice life along the way.
A child needs a good mother not some loser of a father, as long as he has some kind of a male role model they will be just fine.
Don't throw away your chance of a baby just because he doesn't have a father.
I have a few friends who have had donor babies and raised them on their own and they are all healthy happy kids.

He sounds like a waste of space, and your baby will be better off without him. Please don't let him dictate the decision you make. Do you want this baby or not? If the answer is yes then you can absolutely do this. You don't need him and neither does your baby.
I am totally pro-choice, but it doesn't sound like you want an abortion, and on that basis I think it would be very sad to let the behaviour of this pathetic man lead to the termination of your baby.

Many many fantastic happy humans grow up with a single parent. There are no guarantees that any of us get to parent as a two long term, life happens.

If you want this baby go for it you will be more than capable of providing a fantastic life xxxxx

I know loads of people who grew up without dads. They were fine! So long as you want the baby and you have enough support, have the baby.

You don't have to have a termination just because your child may grow up without a dad. If that's really what YOU want, then go ahead, but don't let that be the sole factor in your choice.
Me and my brother were brought up by our mum as a single parent. Our dad had never been around EVER, but we had the best childhood thanks to our amazing mum. We were poor, but she gave us so much love and spent so much time with us, that we never felt like we were missing out on anything. That's what we remember - being loved.

So overwhelmed by the lovely posts. Thank you all huge amounts. I’m so scared mostly. I can’t believe it’s happening like this. We haven’t spoken in weeks and I doubt he will get in touch now. It’s clear he really does not care at all, I’m totally alone. I do want my baby, it’s just the worry about the impact on them and if it’s fair. It’s reassuring to hear it’s perhaps not the terrible thing I think it is. @misssunshine4040 you said there had been challenges as your son’s dad hadn’t been around, in what way? I worry I’m not equipped to deal with that sort of thing. Gosh this is so hard.

It sounds to me that you'll deeply regret not having your baby. Not let him deny you of that. Growing up your baby will have you, along with any family and friends you have - that's a lot more than some children have.

Fast forward a few years, he may then have asked for contact, or you may even have another man in your life who could end up being a brilliant Dad to your baby (appreciate you can't think about that at the moment).

I think the fact that you are so carefully considering your options here and putting your child and what might be best for them proves what a good mum you will be.

If you decide to terminate it will be because you think that is the best thing for the baby. However, from reading your posts I think you really want this baby. It is absolutely ok to grieve the loss of the family life you would have wanted but you are enough for your baby and you can give it a wonderful, but different life for the one you had hoped for.

If you want this baby and can afford to have it I would go ahead.
Plenty of babies don't have their dads and grow up balanced and happy

You’ve answered your question OP. When it comes down to it you want the baby.

Soubds like you have a stable life. You own a home and have a decent job.

personally I would go for it.

You sound like such a wonderful mother, worrying about your child whilst it is still in the womb. If you do give birth you will be protective and loving and the child will be very secure. For the first two years all it will focus on will be you anyway. If you can give it a secure foundation in the first years the child will have the resilience to handle who its father is. Because your childhood didn't include many single parents, doesn't mean that it isn't entirely natural and common and not a big drama. Your child will be better off without a resentful father, with just you it will live in a positive, encouraging environment.
You are grieving for yourself and your child, but, grief is a passing emotion and it will be much easier emotionally later. Whatever you choose will have challenges, you can do either. I know of a situation where the father was someone other than the supposed father. A therapist advised to always tell the child the truth. I would find a good therapist who can put your mind at rest and give you guidance in how to explain the situation to the child (if you go ahead with the pregnancy). You are a good person, whichever way the cookie crumbles. Good Luck.

Your baby will be much happier growing up with one loving parent than with a dad who resents him/her. Your mental health is important too and it sounds from what you say that you will feel even more broken if you terminate.

hand hold here as I really feel for you. Your ex sounds like a man baby and would probably be a bad parent. You’ve had a lucky escape however sad you feel now. Will be thinking of you x

@broekns please don’t feel you are being cruel bringing the baby into a one parent family. I’m in my late 30s and my Mum decided to go it alone in the early 80s, they’d been in a relationship for 3 years, both mid 20s. From an early age I always knew my Dad existed but that he wasn’t ready to be a Dad. However my Mum was always at pains to say she chose to have me, as soon as she knew I existed she wanted me. I wasn’t planned, she had the option to abort, but she loved me and wanted me. I’ve met him once when I was mid 20s and quickly realised I hadn’t been missing out on much.

Throughout my childhood my Mum was very honest with me in a very age appropriate way. Never have I wished she hadn’t had me or felt different to my peers. Having one parent who really loves you is enough. Honestly when I reached my teenage years, I did go through a period when it upset me a little. Not majorly, but the rejection niggled me a little bit. I spoke to my Mum and she arranged some counselling for me which really helped. Please, please don’t worry that by only having one parent your child is going to significantly suffer.

You sound like a fantastic Mummy already, trying to put your child first. The baby is so lucky to have you. If you want this baby, please have it, you will not be traumatising it by bringing it into a one parent family.

“I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world whose dad has abandoned them?”
Seek some counselling to talk this all through with someone IRL. It sounds as if you do have a bond with baby and it’s very much wanted by you. Even physically present fathers can be useless or bad news for their children and very many are better off without a dad. You do have to look forwards, this man has broken your idea of the future, but you can still have your baby and make your own life together. An experienced professional will guide you through this to explore all of your feelings so you can make the best decision for you

There is no one ‘right’ family. That’s a myth. A family is a unit of people that love each other, any background or size.
You sound like a very stable, well adjusted person who is already putting the baby first. Your baby will thrive.
and just remember when you see those nuclear families they are not perfect.

I'm going to tell you to keep your baby OP! Because I sense that, whilst scared, this is what you want. And you should always do what you want to in these situations. Once you have made that decision, you will feel much less sad. Because right now I believe that it is the thought of terminating your baby is what's making you most sad.

You are feeling very vulnerable right now, which is completely and totally understandable. You've just had a relationship break down on top of hormonal changes and future uncertainty. I believe that this is the worst part - the indecision.

You may well be going through this on your own. He may decide to be less of a cock and man up once the baby is born.

Raising a baby is hard. So I would see what support you can get from family and friends. It would be really helpful to have family stay for the first 2-3 weeks after giving birth. Then it may be an idea to stay with family for a few more weeks if possible.

Join an NCT group to gain a good support system/network. Also, be proactive and ask on local online forums if anyone else is expecting a baby around the same time and wants to meet up before and after pregnancy. I did this and ended up with a fantastic group of friends. Join a prenatal swim or yoga group too. The more support and friendship you have the better.

You baby will not miss out if this idiot decides not to get involved.

I feel for u OP. Wat an absolute dick. If u having sex, everyone knows there is a chsnce of pregnancy. If u want the baby then do it. One loving parent is better than two where one is an arse and reluctant. Hr must pay for ur child's upkeep though. Hand hold OP

Sorry you have been denied enjoying your pregnancy without all the all this stress and uncertainty.
My parents were together but my Dad was very absent. He left to study when I was a baby and was gone for most of the next 4 years.
My Mum effectively was a single parent and she was amazing.

Just questions, him trying to understand why his dad isn't around.
It's ok though, not ideal but it's not ruining his life. He's a very happy child but it's something he has to cope with.

It's very scary I agree. But the love you have for you child will get you through. You will be a team and you will face any issues together.

Try not to worry about the what ifs. No family is perfect and everyone in life has challenges so try to feel like you are failing