I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

As an adult whose never know her father I find it very difficult to read that you think is best for your baby to never be born than live without a father. I understand that you are in a difficult place and you have huge hormones going on so my response comes with as much grace as I can muster but please give your head a shake.

OP please do not even consider termination as an option unless you seriously don't want a baby, which you have already said this baby is very much wanted by you. Your baby will know love and safety through you it will not be alone and unwanted. I'm sorry that your twat of a partner has done this to you especially when pregnant but in some ways it's better to know now than when the baby is born and he turns funny. Hopefully this could be a glitch and he is having a massive freak out but he has already show you he cant be trusted and the main thing here is that you and your little one will both be okay without him if it comes to it. You are already in a good position with your house and job and you will get other help financially. It will take time to process this but try to enjoy this beautiful journey and the arrival of the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Oh, OP. What a shitbag of a man. I'm so sorry, that must be really hard to go through. And what timing!

Have you family and friends you can talk to?

Your baby will have a wonderful life, regardless of his/her Dad possibly being absent. There are plenty of families with present fathers who are abusive, and that's worse! My own Dad was a very aggressive bully when we were growing up. We survived and have lovely lives now.

I have heard if plenty of Dad's doing this, and doing a huge U turn, once the baby is born. Maybe it's hormones, I don't know, but I am sure when he holds the baby, things will change. Not that you would take him back after this, but I think he will want to see the baby, and who knows, you could reconcile if you felt that was an option.

To be honest, my children's father was present (we were married), but he did so little of the parenting, I don't think it would have been any harder if he wasn't there. He was always working. When he was home, he refused to do any night feeds, as he didn't want to be tired for his "big job". Never did housework etc.

In your shoes, I'd just carry on. Get excited, this is amazing. Let him have his wobble. A year from now, things will look very different.

Dear OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how heartbroken you are by his actions but do not let this man child’s behaviour force you to make a decision you will regret. This is your decision to make and yours alone. If you want this baby then please keep it, you will find a way to make this work. Your baby does not need a father in its life that doesn’t really want it or will chop and change his mind. Your baby only needs you - you and your baby will be your own family unit. Your love for your child IS enough 💐

My dad left when my mum was pregnant and I met him about 5 times in 50 years.
Your baby will not miss having a father. You can provide all the nurturing your baby needs, gather the support of your family and enjoy raising this little person, but don't go chasing him thinking contact is vital, it's not.

I wish I could give you a big hug.

What a shit he is. But forget him for a moment, if you want your baby then you should have your baby. He or she will have you as a mum, they won’t be lonely! There are no guarantees in life anyway, my ex DH has a huge extended family, there are thousands of them and none of them speak to each other. Just because grandparents are alive and well doesn’t mean they all have a lovely bond with their grandchildren. I have friends who are married and their husbands do absolutely nothing to help them, they’d be better off alone.

You sound like you’re financially stable with good prospects, and you do sound like you want to proceed with the pregnancy, so take a deep breathe and focus on you and your child. Yes it will be difficult, but it will also be amazing.

Oh, and make sure you claim CM. It takes two to make a baby, he doesn’t get to opt out of his financial responsibilities. Best of luck OP, I promise it will all work out in the end x

Op you are enough for this baby. The father might not want to be involved at all or he could be having a major wobble and realise he wants to be an involved parent. You just don't know what will happen.

So make your decision based on you. It sounds like you are in a decent position and you want this baby. You are enough, you will be a loving supportive Mum.
The baby will have a good life.

Try not to think about what the baby may not have, but what they will

There are millions of people on this Earth with shit Dads, OP. Kids just need love.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. He's clearly an utter arsehole and the way he's blind-sided you is incredibly cruel.

I don't think you should make this decision with him in mind at all. Do you want this baby? Could you love and provide for this baby? Are you financially stable enough? Do you have support?

If so, I would do what feels right for YOU.

OP you’re not alone.
I’m a lone parent. I am raising my son alone and I went through my pregnancy and his birth mostly alone too.
During the pregnancy (which was a surprise) my son’s father was emotionally and financially abusive, and was engaging in some dangerous activity and so I left him for our own safety.
He was in support of us leaving as he didn’t want the parental responsibility and wanted to continue the activity that he was doing.

We moved to be closer to family and somewhere we felt safe and where I could establish a good quality of life for us.

My son and I have a very strong bond. He is a happy, healthy boy. He has a sense of security, is thriving at school and he lives a very full life with just me and what I can provide for him.
I do have support from my parents which helps.
Do you have close family who can be a line of support to you?

You can call BPAS for an unbiased counselling service - I did this in a similarly difficult situation and found it really helpful, there was absolutely no pressure one way or another and it helped me work out my own mind. For me the choice was to continue with the pregnancy, but I needed to consider the other option, and speak through with someone who didn't have their own perspective - which everyone on here and in your life will, especially past the 12 week mark.

Being a lone parent can be wonderful but also is extremely hard at times, for a long time. Having a termination can be hard (though it's not for everyone), but research shows that the majority of women who pursue that course are ultimately satisfied they made the right choice.

But whichever path is right for you, you need to feel that it was your decision, not influenced by people on the internet who ultimately won't have to share in the ups and the downs.

You can do this!! You will never forgive yourself if you want this baby and you terminate just because the dad won’t be around.

You’ve had a lucky escape!!

You sound like you have a really good foundation of a house, job etc. Plenty of people raise a baby on their own. Do you have family or fried support?

You can do this!!!

And, you're 34, this might be your only shot at motherhood. Like fucking hell, would I let a man deprive me of that. 25 years from now, I'd rather be best friends with my adult child, than alone and still angry about what I let a man do to me.

I think you are going to be a wonderful mother to a little baby who you very much want.

This sounds like such a hard time that you are going through - but you will get through it.

Your baby can still still have a very happy and full life without it's biological father. So many children do.

And who knows, you might even meet someone new, and they may become the best father to your child.

At the moment just try and have peace of mind and look after yourself and baby - and know that you are all your little baby needs.

It won’t sad though, it will be different and ultimately happy.

I had literally the same scenario. Not having the abortion I booked in for (wanted to do the “ right” thing) was THE best decision of my life. He’s a fully functioning adult now but was a joy from day one.

Never saw his dad again which was hard at first but didn’t make any difference to bringing up DS on my own.

Hey op. I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation, during what should have been an exciting and happy time. I’ve been going it alone since my youngest was 4 months. It is hard, so hard being a single parent, but in my circumstance I have loved it and it has created a bond that I cannot begin to explain. My children have been fine without dad in their life, our home is happy and mostly peaceful (with the exception of teen hormones flying around). I am by no means well off, I rent, but we get by and my kids have everything they need and lots of things they want. The thing they appreciate the most is my time and fun experiences together. They have my family, my friends and their own friends, they are not missing anything.
Relationships break down all the time. I think if you want kids, you have to always be prepared to be a single parent anyway. At least this way you have time to prepare and get your head around it before baby is here and they will never know any different.
I am absolutely pro choice and believe any woman should be able to end any pregnancy they don’t want. And if you decide that’s what is right for you at this time, do it. Without shame or guilt. But it really sounds like you do want this baby. And you are absolutely capable of doing this alone if you choose to.
Best of luck op xxx

If you want the baby, then have the baby. His thoughts/feelings/presence should not form any part of the equation. Plenty of kids are raised with one parent. What about Mums who lose partners through war, illness, accidents before the baby is born? It’s not a reason for a termination, if that’s not what you want. You will be fine, you will meet lots of other people though your baby, at classes, nursery, school and you have a stellar chance to show your child what a determined and loving parent you can be.

Your baby will be fine - and better off without this prat of a man.

Lots of women successfully bring up babies on their own. And you will be one of them.

You are struggling with the grief of being let down and that is so hard; but baby is not all negative - hang on in there.

I didn't know my bio father. Him and my Mum split when I was less than a year old and I'm told I saw him every few months until i was nearly 3 and then never set eyes on him again.

I can't pretend this hasn't effected me emotionally. To have a bio parent know you for 3 years and then reject you goes deep. I'm in my 60s now and still struggle with attaching emotionally. However I'm also aware a lot of my issues come from my mum being distant, unloving and abusive.

Your situation is entirely different. Your child will be born with one loving parent who will never abandon them. That's all they need. One strong, supportive, loving parent will give your child the emotional security and secure family unit that many of us with two parents didn't have.

It is so much better to be born into this world with ONE parent who really truly wants them and will love them forever....then to be born into situation with a toxic relationship or a father that is abusive/neglectful. I know it's scary but you sound wonderful & that you are in a good position - owning a house, having a job, wanting your baby. I know it will be tough but lots and lots of people don't know their dad or have a dad for various reasons and it is tough at times, but the love and consistency of one parent can overcome so much.

It sounds like you very much want this baby and you will be a great mum. Think about what you’re more likely to regret - having a beloved child, or not having a child at all, as you may not find yourself able to get pregnant as easily in the next 5 years.

He doesn't sound like a great guy (to put it mildly) so I think you've dodged a bullet there. I completely understand you don't want to be a single parent, but if I were you, I'd just focus on the baby and try to come to terms with your "fate". It's an unfortunate twist but you will have the baby you want. If you terminate, you may regret that forever. Life doesn't always work out how we want, but it doesn't mean it won't be good. Plenty of children sadly have little or no contact with their fathers- the child will be fine with just you. And one day you may meet a new partner.

I honestly believe if you terminate you will regret it. Do not let this man’s behaviour rob you of the chance of motherhood and building your own family.

He’s a bag of shit. Truly. And one I fear will crawl out of the woodwork later on.

Only have a termination if you don’t want the baby. A baby doesn’t need a man like that in their life.

Aww OP what a shit situation.

If I was in your position I would terminate. Myself personally, I wouldn’t want a life of fighting with someone to see my baby - I’d want someone to want to play an active role in their life. Battling over child support payments etc, it doesn’t seem like a nice life for me or my baby.

If you really want the baby then keep it, but don’t keep it through guilt over a termination.