I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

I got pregnant accidently with my partner of 7 years at the time. I was absolutely petrified about becoming a parent, as was my partner. My partner wanted us to have the baby and encouraged me in this respect. He ultimately said it was
my body, my life and therefore my decision.

I carried on with the pregnancy and gave birth. The shock of having an unexpected child was massive - its such a cliche but your life changes literally in a second and I wasn’t personally prepared for it. My partner having really wanted the child was much better prepared mentally and did much better than me. Now nine years later I don’t regret the decision and went on to have more planned children.

The point I’m trying to make is that if you really want a
baby, can imagine yourself with a child, then, for me that’s the most important thing.

I didn't have any, DS was stubborn and he would have just gone head to head with a man. I handled it much better.

Sorry I thought I'd quoted you. It was in response to how do you handle difficulties with a son.

I agree

Friends if mine did this just because the timing wasn’t right. They don’t know that I know.
I’ve never felt the same about them since and often wonder if they have regrets about that decision.

It would be helpful if people could put their own personal feelings about abortion aside and offer OP support, rather than trying to push an emotive argument based on personal beliefs.

It's always your choice, OP. There is no 'wrong' choice. And never an easy one. You are the one whose life will be impacted; nobody else posting on here will be affected.

Sending you my best.

There are two things at play here and you need to separate them out. Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. 15 weeks is great. Isn't it time you started to enjoy it. You're 34 so your body clock is ticking and you made it. You might never have this chance again. You haven't told us much about the positives. Because you're too focused on your ex. How do you feel to have this baby inside you, you're getting to the exciting bits now. Do you not think it's amazing. My first pregnancy was an amazing journey.

You're also overtly focused on the negatives of single parenthood. But you've a house, you're healthy, your age is relatively young. You've a good job and a home. It's 2023 and you can do it.

You might be suffering from hormones, they can make you a bit teary, combined with the devastation of your partner's reaction. He might come around. So don't discount it. It's a shock to him probably as it wasn't planned. The fact his parents are gone might be a factor at play with him.

This website is full of single mothers, they do it every day and not one of them regret having their children. They might have regrets about relationships, and the usual day to day crap, which happens for us marrieds too. But this is about you, and your baby. There is nothing to be scared about, your body is designed for this, it's what it is best at, so trust it. And trust that you are strong enough to do this.

I think you need to talk to someone. Have you no sister? Your mother? Talking it out can help put your mind at rest. Don't be scared. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Not all relationships end up in happy perfect parents to perfect children. You're mourning what might have been with added hormones making it worse for you. Don't make any rash decisions.

I hope you decide to keep your lovely little baby. So you misjudged your man, better you found out sooner rather than later. There are plenty of men out there who will love your baby as you will. You sound quite together in that you have your own home and a job. You will never regret keeping your baby, but I have counselled many who regret not keeping their baby, and that stays with you all your life. Even if you give up for adoption, you will have given that child a chance at life, who knows the potential of that little baby. There is so much help for single mums nowadays, and as you can read in past threads, it might not be an easy ride, but even with a dad around, life can be difficult. My sister was in a similar situation, faced with a choice, (twice) but she decided to keep her babies and be a single mum (2 little girls, 2 different dads) both dads abandoned them. My sister is now married to a lovely man who adopted both her kids. I am so glad that I have 2 lovely nieces.

Don't ever give up - there are people that love you and will help you.

Well I think it's really good you realise the impact this will have on your child, if you choose to go ahead and have it. I was that child, and however people try to spin it with the one loving parent is just as good spiel, being abandoned by your father while in the womb is a deep loss, and will affect your whole life and identity.

It seems to me that people and society don't want to recognize the impact on children of being fatherless/adopted etc. Maybe it's too painful to think about, I don't know. But I think the fact that you do acknowledge it means you're in the best position to be a truly loving and supportive mother to this child. You sound like you're very emotionally intelligent, and won't just sweep it all under the carpet. For what it's worth, I'm glad I'm alive.

Good luck OP, what this man did is absolutely despicable💐

You are enough.

I know it's not the point of the thread, but @broekns please don't assume your headaches are just the stress you're under and get your blood pressure checked in case they're medical in origin.

And good luck with everything.

You can do this. I’ve read all of your responses saying that you really want the baby.

You are not screwing up your baby in the slightest. They will be loved and adored: you are enough.

Your hormones are going to be everywhere at the moment and this is such a horrible thing to happen and I am so sorry you’re in this position.

Read Edith Egar ‘The Choice’. It is about how we choose to respond to a situation. You really can do this. Please enjoy your pregnancy and anticipation of the tiny human being you are growing - it is such an amazing time

I grew up without a Dad, OP. My mother escaped from him when I was just a few weeks old, he was abusive. Honestly I never missed having a father, apart from being the only child in the class with no dad, but this was in the 60s. I grew up in a loving home with mother and grandmother. I would say I never missed what I never had.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP. :)

Babies and children don’t need bad dads.
He may grow up. He may not , but rest assured this baby will be loved and fine.

i was in a similar situation. That baby is now 26. He’s an awesome young man with lovely siblings and a dad who is his dad just not his biological one. But that bit is irrelevant.

OP if you go ahead with the pregnancy, it’ll be less devastating for the child to never know their dad than reject them further along the line (which has happened to my kids).

I'm so sorry he's not the man you thought he was BUT you can, and should absolutely do this without him
You have your own property and a job and security
Honestly You are enough for your baby, and when they are born you are all they need.
You'll find lots of mothers in your exact situation and your DC will learn that families come in all shapes and sizes
As your ex has no interest, register your baby alone and create a life for you and your DC
It won't be easy, but the rewards will be worth it.

Only you can know the right thing for you. My ex and I separated when she was really little, and he wasn’t properly there for her. All I can say is that it has been hard, but she and I are incredibly close and happy and I have worked since she was about nine months (flexing my hours around her, and working in the evening, so I could spend more time with her in the day). It will be tough but it’s very rewarding and you may meet someone one day who will be a good father figure to her or him. X

Op I am sorry that he has left and you have every right to mourn the future you thought your child would have. I am a lone parent (although it happened after my child was born) but I wanted to lost some of the positives so that hopefully at some point you can turn this round in your head as I have done.

No disney parenting, what I say goes and discipline etc is very consistent.

I can book whatever, whenever, I don't have to worry about what dates my ex wants our child or if he will call and cancel a visit.

Doing it alone is far better than doing it alone but with a useless partner in the house doing nothing and the house stays clean etc.

Family who do help are enthusiastic with their help.

Families are made up of all sorts nowadays. My son has friends with 2 dad's or 2 mums or who are Foster kids. He understands its us but we also say friends are family and we have close family too. There is no such thing as a perfect family.

Your child will have an amazing role model, a strong working mother who loves them.

It's genuinely fun spending time with your child and people accept you come as a 2. Real friends adapt. They come here for dinner after he is in bed or we meet at lunch time etc.

Being single is pretty great, the bed to myself, the remote is mine, I can leave the washing up if I don't want to do it, I redecorate how I like, no one criticises my body, I can go to bed when I want and am in control of all the admin so I don't get stressed because someone isn't pulling their weight.

Of course there are times it is tough but on the whole I want to say I love being a mum, I love being single and its not half as bad as its made out to be.

my friend wa sin exact sxame situation after 12 week scan said he didnt want to be a parent
your child doesnt need someone who cant be bothered with them

he did eventually see the baby and paid maintencance but she done it alone-you can do this

He might come around, change after baby born or you may never hear from him again, it’s so hard to predict. So I think you’ve got to work on assumption you’re on your own. I had an abortion age 31 because I didn’t want to be a single mum….then almost missed out on the chance altogether. Had baby age 39 in a far from perfect relationship. I’ve found it incredibly hard and couldn’t imagine doing this single handedly BUT it’s also so amazing that if that were only option I’d do it. I didn’t feel any guilt about abortion, better to have a baby that is wanted

This this this.
So sorry for what you are going through OP. But if you want this baby, you can do it 💪🏻💪🏻

My dd's father couldn't cope with being a dad either (I think because he had a very tough childhood). Very difficult at first (I felt so sad/rejected) but my daughter and I developed a great bond and she has grown up to be an incredible young woman full of confidence and joy. I met my current DP when she was 10 and we are still madly in love after 15 years. Don't lose hope, you can do this on your own, and your baby will be fine. One good parent is definitely enough!

OP I had an awful dad and I'm glad I'm here! Yours is a sad situation and I'm sorry you're having your heart broken out of the blue.

But honestly, I wish my dad had shown his colours this clearly this early, it would have saved my mother a LOT of trouble. All the best.

It might help if you do the research to see what single parenthood would be like for you.

id start with making sure your real life friends and family know your situation. Does it seem like they are going to be there for you? Perhaps have a read through your employer maternity package and see what benefits you’d be entitled to, plus child support - he might not want to be a dad but he’s left it too late to make this choice, so he can choose not to see his child, but he still needs to pay support. (Do not get all martyr about him not wanting to be a dad and not claiming, but cen if you just shove it into a savings account for your baby, claim it.)

he might decide he wants to be part of this child’s life, but if not, you can offer all the love and support this child will need.

Given the attitude of your ex, OP, how do you think the passing of 2 years would make a difference?
He was just delaying the “evil day” to keep you happy and not rock the boat, I’m sure. The time to conceive would never ever be”right” for some men and you would have found yourself older, childless and partnerless. Basically you have probably had a lucky escape if you do want this child.
In many ways single parenting can be less stressful than parenting in tandem with a man-child whose selfish needs have to be balanced with your baby’s. You get the choose how you will parent with no conflict. You can develop relationships with other adults to provide your child with “relatives”.
Ask your midwife for info re organisations that can provide advice and support and join these before the birth.
This is not what you expected or volunteered for but you can do it if you want to.
Good luck

You aren’t doing anything to your baby, the dad is. His lost. Sounds like an ideal situation re mortgage and job so don’t let your ex behaviour stop you. For what it’s worth I don’t know my dad, hr was a waste of time and I’m good and didn’t miss out