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Original poster

I don’t know what to do, so so sad

248 replies

broekns · 22/09/2023 08:22

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

OP posts:
PeppermintMandy · 22/09/2023 09:41

OP I grew up with a very flakey Dad. In and out of my life all the time. Not having him there at all would have been so much easier.

Keep your baby and make sure they have caring male role models in their life. It doesn’t have to be their Dad or a future Step Dad. An Uncle, Grandfather, older Cousin. It could even be a teacher or nursery worker. My son has a wonderful Dad but he adores his male key worker at nursery!

Make sure your baby knows their fathers choice is about their father, NOT about them.

You want to protect your baby from ever feeling a moments pain, physical or emotional. But it doesn’t matter what situation you birth your child into they WILL experience emotional distress at some point in their lives. We all do. We all have baggage of some sort. You will be a wonderful mother and your job is to help them navigate any pain they may feel, not completely shelter them from it. Raising an emotionally resilient child is a wonderful thing. Your baby will be born into a much, much better situation in life than millions of other children.

Mariposista · 22/09/2023 09:44

This happened to my mum OP.
I was your baby - I never felt like I was from a broken background. I had everything I needed. A fantastic mum (like your will be), brilliant grandparents (on my mum's side - I never met his), a good school, friends, activities, faith and so much more. Don't worry about that, families come in all sizes and you can do this (if you want to of course).

Sartre · 22/09/2023 09:44

Your relationship is over, I think that’s fair to say because there’s just no coming back from this.

What I will say is it’s fairly common for men to get scared when the pregnancy becomes real so this may be following the scan or when the bump starts to show. Happens quite a lot for men of all ages. It doesn’t mean he will entirely desert the child, many men do come around after the baby is born so it could go two ways. Either he entirely deserts you so you’re a single Mum with no Dad around at all or he steps up when the baby is here and gets involved. It’s likely even if he does decide to be involved, you will still have the lions share.

It doesn’t sound like you want to have a termination though and at your stage in pregnancy, it won’t be as straightforward as early terminations are so more traumatic for someone who doesn’t really want it anyway.

Yalta · 22/09/2023 09:45

I grew up without a father. He left before I could form a proper memory of him. The only negative was I had 1 absent parent and one abusive one.

It didn’t bother me that I didn’t have a father. I have rarely thought about him.

Hardly warranted my death because I was never going to know him

I do know a few people who grew up without a father and they are all well adjusted adults. None have ever craved to find their father

OddlyFramed · 22/09/2023 09:45

You want this baby. You have enough love for it, have your baby. You will forever regret having something you already love as you worry he won’t have 2 parents. He could want this baby and die when it’s a week old leaving baby with no dad. He’s shown you his true colours early but still so so shit to deal with when pregnant I’m sorry

Cakeandcardio · 22/09/2023 09:45

The only thing you need to consider is will you have help? Not necessarily someone to do the night feeds but support? Someone who can come round post birth and make you dinner? Someone you can phone when you need someone to chat to?

You can absolutely raise a baby alone. Your child will be loved and cared for. Good luck.

JohnnysMama · 22/09/2023 09:45

OP first of all congratulations on your pregnancy. Whatever the circumstances are - it is a miracle to have a child. So many people would give anything to get pregnant (took me 7 years). There are so many children who do not know their father for different reasons and they have great wonderful mothers who raise them to become great humans. I am sorry this man treated you both like this, obviously he’s not a good material for a father anyway. You will have a healthy beautiful baby and a whole future together. It is not a lonely life without a bad father. Please give yourself and baby a chance to build your happy life together. You are also in a more comfortable position - you have a house and a good job. You are 34 years old as well and who knows when you have another chance or will you have another chance to become a mother. I know this might trigger some people but this is a reality. I wish you all the best and a happy life 🤗

Skethylita · 22/09/2023 09:45

I have been there. My fiance left me after my first scan and it was traumatic, but I kept the child, raised them by myself and they are now the most loving, caring and intelligent 16-year-old one could wish for. I did it by myself, bar the brief marriage (resulting in a second child) in between. My teen doesn't miss a thing about their biological father.

I also had a termination on the explicit wish and pressure from an ex. I didn't want to terminate. It destroyed me and I still feel guilty now and think of them and wonder what could have been.

Single parenthood is hard, I am not going to lie to you on that. I didn't have a support network at all and there were times when I thought "what did I do". I befriended people at work, childminders and nursery workers who would help out if I was knocked out by illness or had to work late.

I soon realised that my home would never be a show house, and it still isn't now that my firstborn is a late teen and my secondborn is in school. It's messy as hell, but mostly clean and we have fresh food and clean clothes and they do both help out. Term time is hectic. But I am privileged in that I can be with them during the holidays and no one can tell me what to do with them, when and how.

We are a very happy family, even if I am the only adult in it. Single parenthood was worth it for me.

Please PM me if you need help.

TheShinmeister · 22/09/2023 09:47

I was a single mum from when my son was three. We left because of DV. (My son doesn’t know about this) He continued to see his father and I met someone else who brought him up as his own. He’s a marvellous chap of 34 now and certainly didn’t miss out and wasn’t affected by having an estranged father. Having him is the best thing I’ve ever done x

fulawitt · 22/09/2023 09:47

He can change his mind, this is something that can happen, if you terminate your pregnancy there is no turning back the clock. Just saying. And you want the baby. I would not take a decision based on a man that is already out.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 22/09/2023 09:48

OP you could have a supportive partner, excited and happy. Termination would be the last thing in your mind. Who then walks out a couple of months after the baby is born because he can't handle it, and wants nothing to do with either of you. There are no guarantees unfortunately.

So what I'm saying is forget where he is or what he wants. What do YOU want? It sounds from your writing you do want this baby, and I would worry about the effect on you should not go ahead purely on the basis of what he has done. Don't make your decision based off his decision.

ScribblingPixie · 22/09/2023 09:49

OP, you are going to have a child that will bring joy into your life, and who knows what adventures lie ahead of you. At 34, you are old enough to do this, and do it well, even if it seems overwhelming at the moment.
My DH grew up with a great mum but a dodgy dad who caused him a lot of upset then abandoned him. It would have been better if he hadn't been there right from the start.

Yalta · 22/09/2023 09:50

Also your ex really should stop thinking about what he wants and doesn’t want. The time for choice over if he wanted to become a parent is over. He is going to become a parent whether he chooses to be in his child’s life or not

Dont fall for him returning later on or around the time of the birth. It won’t last. CM will need to be sorted out whether he chooses to see his child or not

CinnamonSodaPop · 22/09/2023 09:52

Oh OP, no wonder you feel like this. You've had two massive shocks, and have been spectacularly let down by that man. He doesnt want to be a parent? Well he is one. What a loser. Long term you will have dodged a bullet as he sounds like not a very nice person.

BUT-- your baby won't be lonely, it will be very loved by you and your people. Once baby comes you will have so much love and it will help with the big hole left by that horrible person. It isn't going to be easy but there is so much good coming your way.

Katiesaidthat · 22/09/2023 09:52

My parents were married, but my dad was very absent emotionally and physically. When he died when I was 15 I did not miss him, as he wasn´t in my day to day. My mum was my all. And frankly, that was enough and ample. He/she will be loved by his mum, and that is all they need.

CoolCalmCollected · 22/09/2023 09:55

@broekns I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I want to echo the other posters who are saying that they were your baby. I am too! My "dad" left my mum before I was born. They too had been in a relationship for about 4 years, (married for 2 at the point that he walked away).

I am 41 years old now. He is dead. I never met him. I had and still have a wonderfully close and warm relationship with my mum. I promise you that I have never, ever missed him.
Whatever life you make for yourself and your baby will be their norm.

Sending you strength and hugs Flowers

PaminaMozart · 22/09/2023 09:55

So many people urging you to have this child, no matter what....

12.27It's YOU who'd have to do the raising and parenting.

Make this decision with your head, not your gut/heart.

It's going to be tough either way, so do what's best for YOU.

CClaire · 22/09/2023 09:56

So many kids are from single parent families these days. It’s already common by Foundation class at school and presumably just gets moreso as more families break up.

CClaire · 22/09/2023 09:57

@PaminaMozart disagree with the head vs heart statement in this context. It’s the kind of broken heart OP might never get over.

Sueretiredawhileago · 22/09/2023 09:58

I know loads of people who have successfully birthed and raised children alone and they are some are loveliest happiest families I know. If you want this baby then you will be absolutely fine.

Have a look at Frolo app too where you can meet fellow single parents who are going it alone - don’t forget many choose to nowadays so there’s plenty around.

DynamicK · 22/09/2023 09:59

Do you communicate with him? Tell him that he will be a father now whether he likes it or not. It's his choice to decide what kind of father he wants to be.
He has to take some responsibility for this situation. He's not the victim here.

oakleaffy · 22/09/2023 10:00

@broekns Well you dodged a bullet there!

We had a health visitor who actually said that ''Some men really can't cope with babies and young children''- I do think she was right.

Being a single parent is not easy, {I was married, but husband was unfaithful, so we divorced}- I had no one nearby as we'd moved cities to buy a house .

Single parenthood is far from easy, but you don't want to be running out of time, either.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

PaminaMozart · 22/09/2023 10:00

CClaire · 22/09/2023 09:57

@PaminaMozart disagree with the head vs heart statement in this context. It’s the kind of broken heart OP might never get over.

Easy to say....... It isn't YOU who'd have to raise this child.

Sueretiredawhileago · 22/09/2023 10:00

Oh and forgot the irrelevant twunt of a dad. No child needs a grown man that behaves like this. You’re more than they need.

takemeouttown · 22/09/2023 10:00

If you want to be a mum, wave goodbye to him and enjoy your new life as a mum. Your baby will be loved by you and doesn’t need a man who sounds like he’d have been a shitty father. Millions of children with absent fathers are well rounded and happy, try not to worry OP.