I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

This situation (almost exactly, except that they were married) happened to someone in my extended family.

It was so tough for the mum going through pregnancy and early motherhood without her partner, but she is so glad she did.

As it happened she later met someone who went on to be a wonderful stepfather to her daughter. Maybe that'll happen to you.

But if it doesn't, you and your baby could still have a wonderful life together. Plenty of single mothers do an amazing job and end up being incredibly close to their children. You'll be enough.

Read some of the other posts on here and you will soon see that being a happy single parent family is far better for the kids than those whose parents are in difficult marriages or just vaguely useless Dads. I’m so sorry your partner has disappointed you like this, but you have the option now to make a clean break. By being a single parent you can now raise this child however you decide to. I wish you all the best x

In your shoes I would terminate. But you absolutely can do it on your own if you want to. Plenty do.

No dad is better than a rubbish dad. And tbh less hassle for you.
If you really want the baby then stay with the pregnancy, but totally your choice.
Your child will have you, you’ll make mum friends and life just falls into place.
Lots of positives, your own home, a good job.
Hes the idiot who’ll lose out but better to know he’s flaky now. Good luck with whatever you choose.

Go it alone. I did and I certainly wasn't in as good as a position in life as you are now (I'm still not lol) I was 12 years younger than you are. Honestly it's hard but very doable and very rewarding. My daughter barely knows her dad and he still 12 years on doesn't want to be a parent which is fine by me, I don't need him and she never has either. There's nothing in this world I can't teach her including picking a better father for your children. You don't need your ex. It's a scary thought going it alone but I have brought my daughter up how I want to with what values I believe in and there's no co parenting what so ever. She doesn't miss what she never had, it's all she's known is me and her and is very well aware her dad is a piece of shit. (I've tried to hide it from her as best as I could with constant excuses as to why he hasn't turned up again but as she has got older and wiser it's been progressively harder to hide). We talk about it when she wants to but ultimately I'm her family. It's a shit situation but you can do it. Im proud of her and what she is growing up to be and he had no part in that.

If you want the baby, have the baby. It might not look like the stereotypical family, but it will be their family. And that will be their normal and they will be happy and loved.

I am a pro-choice as they come but I mean the above wholeheartedly

Do what you feel is right in your heart. Ignore your head for a minute as that will be filled with all the ‘what ifs’, and go with your heart. If your heart feels you can love this baby and you want it, then go for it and work out all the other stuff after. If your heart feels like you can’t manage, then you have your answer. Many people grow up in single parent households and become wonderful children and adults, however equally, people in loving relationships choose to have terminations because it’s just not right for them at that time.

Only you can make this decision OP, forget the ifs and the buts for a moment, go with your heart and everything else will work itself out

This.

My friend had a child when we were younger, the dad has never been involved. I think his parents showed some interest early on but then they disappeared too.

She did a great job, her and her parents/ other family and us her friends surrounded her son with so much love. He’s in his 20s now, good degree, starting out in a good career, lovely girlfriend. All credit to my friend. I’m not saying it wasn’t very hard at times and I’m not saying her son didn’t have questions and sadness around the situation - but ALL kids will have something as they grow up that is less than ideal, sad, difficult, raises questions etc. All you can do is love them, answer their questions honestly but kindly, and support them.

Its very sensible to think through the realities of what life might look like as a single parent and whether that’s something you can cope with - but if you do want to go ahead and you want this baby then dont terminate a wanted pregnancy.

You want to have this baby and have started to bond. So start making plans to go it alone. Do you have family and friends to support you? One loving parent is absolutely fine, and you'll be able to tell him or her who their father is, when they ask. My father was absolutely terrible. Went round impregnating loads of women, beating them up, serving prison time and more. I know who he was, but didn't gain anything from meeting him. My childhood with my mum was happy (I also have a sibling).

Growing up with a loving parent (you) will set a child up for life. Just because a child has a dad, doesn’t mean they’re happier. Just because a child has a crap dad, doesn’t mean they’re going to be unhappy or unsuccessful. Lots of children grow up as part of a single parent family and do absolutely fine.

Don’t let your upset at this idiot of a man affect your happiness at the pregnancy. You’re better off without him - both of you.

The almost identical situation happened to me 23 years ago. It’s been hard and I wouldn’t judge anyone for not choosing single motherhood but I would make the same decision again.

I never let the heartbreak affect my baby and he is a happy positive young man who has done exceptionally well.

it’s possible and you can do it if that is what you want

Have your baby. I am sure you will not regret it. I think it would be magical be different if you were 24, but you are 34 and the reality is you may not be able to have a baby if you try later at 38 or 40.

I would contact BPAS or similar today and ask for counselling. (They're not just there to provide counselling for women who've already decided they want a termination, they will talk to anyone facing a difficult pregnancy choice.)

You're in a really difficult situation and you need expert, fast, support.

What I will say though is my life would probably have been better if my father had been absent from the start, rather than fucking off when I was three, stotting about for a bit, finally deciding 'Lavinia is just too much, she's so upset' when I was around 5, then popping back up when I was 16.

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

You have to stop imagining what a future child may or may not think ( many children are raised without a dad and are fine. From experience, I can say hand on heart that no Dad is better than a shit Dad), and start thinking about what you want.

The question to answer is do you want a child enough to be a single parent?
You may want to look at what other supports you have in terms of family. Some single mothers manage with none, but personally I could not. Because that means you have no life of your own until the child is about 14. I could not do that.

If you want the baby then I’m sure you will find a way to make it work

Two of my friends have had babies alone this year. They just hadn't had things work out in long-term relationships and didn't want to wait any more

Gorgeous thriving babies who are happy as anything. Absolutely beautiful and set up for rich and happy lives. Apples of their mums' eyes.

It is entirely and completely your choice as to what is right for you now, but forget your petulant nothing of an ex-partner. Babies can have wonderful lives in a family of mum and me.

Honestly your baby won’t be lonely, baby will eventually grow up and make friends and have it’s own life that is not directed by whether or not they have a father around. I had a dad that came in and out my life until I cut him off and honestly I couldn’t give a flying monkeys about missing out on having a father. If you want this baby then keep it, it really wouldn’t be missing out too much x

@broekns , I won't say you should or you shouldn't keep the baby as only you can decide that.

I will say though, my counsellor has told me that children thrive as long as they have one loving, secure, safe parent. I had a husband, we had 2 children together. He turned out to be emotionally abusive and has a personality disorder. I left him this year. That is harder on the kids than starting life with one parent.

You could have been with him, then a few years down the line end up divorced. There is no guarantee of a 'nuclear' family unit lasting.

You absolutely can do this alone. This is his loss.

My partner was very happy when I was pregnant with our first child, then around the 15 week mark completely freaked out, said he didn't want a child, wasn't ready, moved out etc. I thought I was destined to raise the child by myself.

The minute she was born he was completely in love, he is the best dad and we now have a second daughter too. He now wants 4 children (!!) and couldn't be happier with his daughters.

He was scared and panicking, which is normal when your whole life is about to change, however, he just didn't handle it well! Pregnancy is a very different experience for men - they don't get all the attention, don't feel the kicks, no one asks them how they're feeling, it's all about the woman but sometimes they find the change difficult too!

My point is - you don't know what your future will hold but things don't always go the way you think they will.

He’s old enough to know better OP. Sorry he has let you down so badly. If you want this baby you can absurdly do it. Do you have family? Close friends? My dad died when I was very young and my mum brought me up on her own. Our bond is so close, she means the absolute world to me and is now the best grandma to my own children. There is no such thing as a “perfect” family unit. Better to have one parent that adores you than two parents who are checked out.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. This is a really cruel and horrible thing to do to you. You are understandably grieving the loss of your relationship and the future you thought you were going to have together.

But what I would say about your baby, if you want this baby and feel you could support them financially and emotionally on your own/with the support you have, do it!

Try not to look at the situation as being awful because you are bringing a child in to a world with a crap dad. Lots of kids unfortunately face this reality and can still have happy childhoods and lives. He is the one who will be missing out, not your child! If you can provide for your child and give them a lovely life, that’s what matters more than anything else.

I hope you make the right decision for you. Only you know what that is 💗

OP, I'm in my 40s and I've seen lots of very nice, totally reasonable men who have been good dads and partners make very weird, unexpected choices about their lives. And the consequences of their actions on people who love them. It's been shocking.

It's totally in contrast to the women who I know who would never inflict such chaos. Believe in yourself. You are enough. A baby can rely on you.

This happened to me.
You will be fine and actually have a very close bond with your baby.
Being a single parent is hard but also rewarding and although this sounds strange...its peaceful and less stress than an unwilling and useless partner to also look after.
Trust me.

You'll be great! sounds like you dodged a bullet with this guy. Being a single parent is hard work but being a parent is infinitely rewarding, and you'll have a super strong bond with your baby.

I'm a single mum. İt is hard, but more for financial reasons as I was still sorting out my career when I unexpectedly became pregnant and didn't have anything to fall back on, to entitle me to decent childcare hours.
My four year old asked me the dreaded question the other day- "why don't I have a daddy?" I told her some children don't have a daddy and some children don't have a mummy. Then I asked her if she wants a dad. She said "no", as though it was a very obvious answer. She's vocal and emotional about not having any siblings though!