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Original poster

Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

364 replies

Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:08

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Sludgey · 21/09/2023 15:12

Call in without your son. Tell them how you feel and why handling your son was unacceptable. That you don’t want to upset them but you are the parent and your way of raising your child should he respected

Greensleeves · 21/09/2023 15:16

I suspect they are sulking because they know they are in the wrong. Your dad had no right to manhandle your child and they know it. They probably struggle to admit that it was wrong, partly because they fear opening a can of worms about using physical punishments on their own children. I would let them stew, personally. If they can't get over themselves and apologise for mistreating their grandchild then they can do without him.

Zimunya · 21/09/2023 15:19

I'm not defending your DF at all - roughness / violence towards a young child isn't acceptable, and you were 100% correct to step in and stop it. However, this statement - I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? - is very one-sided. Your Mum was also crying when you left. Perhaps she feels the same way? Maybe she is waiting for you to get in touch?

EggInANest · 21/09/2023 15:20

It all sounds very high octane. Including you.

Your Dad should not have grabbed your Ds, but you ‘went berserk’, your Mum ‘made you’ ‘burst into tears’ and meanwhile your Ds is surrounded by 3 adults all crying and cross / upset and discussing him in front of him.

I agree with the PP who said go and talk it through without your Dc present. Talk about finding ways to prevent such a blow up happening. Listen to what sets each party off, how to collectively relax, trust each other as people who love Dc, and all remain calm.

Your Dad could be useful: he did desist and apologise. He is prepared to listen.

EvilElsa · 21/09/2023 15:21

I'd probably give it another week to simmer down a bit and give everyone some perspective.
I think I'd probably write a letter at this stage rather than calling and getting upset and it all blowing up again. You can say how you feel and how you would like to resolve things if they are open to it.

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 21/09/2023 15:23

Are the family usually this emotional?

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:25

How do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:25

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 21/09/2023 15:23

Are the family usually this emotional?

How do you mean?

OP posts:
Squiblet · 21/09/2023 15:26

There's a lot about who's right and who's wrong in your post. Maybe this is not a constructive way to think about it. Maybe no one is 100% right or wrong, and does it matter?

If/when you and your parents are in contact once again, you could approach the situation with a view to getting back into harmony in future, rather than assigning blame for the past.

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 21/09/2023 15:26

Your Mum crying because you told your Dad not to manhandle your son?

hamstersarse · 21/09/2023 15:26

It sounds like everyone was upset and everyone is hurt by something another said.

I don't think anyone involved doesn't have something to apologise for, and the question is who will go first?

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:27

EggInANest · 21/09/2023 15:20

It all sounds very high octane. Including you.

Your Dad should not have grabbed your Ds, but you ‘went berserk’, your Mum ‘made you’ ‘burst into tears’ and meanwhile your Ds is surrounded by 3 adults all crying and cross / upset and discussing him in front of him.

I agree with the PP who said go and talk it through without your Dc present. Talk about finding ways to prevent such a blow up happening. Listen to what sets each party off, how to collectively relax, trust each other as people who love Dc, and all remain calm.

Your Dad could be useful: he did desist and apologise. He is prepared to listen.

Well went berserk is probably not the right use of wording. I told him firmly to stop it and was pissed off he had done that. There is so much to put without writing reams and reams

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:27

hamstersarse · 21/09/2023 15:26

It sounds like everyone was upset and everyone is hurt by something another said.

I don't think anyone involved doesn't have something to apologise for, and the question is who will go first?

This is true!

OP posts:
givemushypeasachance · 21/09/2023 15:27

From an objective position saying someone was "handsy" with a crying 3yo and that he "get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa" - that can be read in different ways. There's being really rough, yanking a toddler around while shouting at them, and then there's well the toddler is beyond reason but does need to leave [location] so it's time to e.g. pick them up and put them under your arm and walk away whether they're kicking and flailing or not. Was it more the former, meant with cruelty, or the latter - with your dad feeling that if the 3yo can't be reasoned with you just need to get a move on now and move him to the sofa and put his shoes on for him and get him home.

When looking after a friend's child and taking him to the park, he has on more than one occasion ignored the multiple count downs and repeated warnings and has refused to come away with me when it's time to leave. In the end I've had to march up and firmly take his hand, tug him off the equipment and start walking. It's that or futilely wait until he gets bored or it gets dark and he's willing to come away!

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:28

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 21/09/2023 15:26

Your Mum crying because you told your Dad not to manhandle your son?

Yes apparently so! I actually think she was upset because she had gotten the game out knowing we were due to go home so felt some sort of guilt so tried to turn it on me

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/09/2023 15:30

They are probably waiting for you to get in touch. It sounds like a situation that got out of hand

Crazycrazylady · 21/09/2023 15:31

Seriously.
All sounds a bit ridiculous to me with all the tears and upset.
Life is too short. No one jn this story covered themselves in glory. Just call over to them and move on

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 21/09/2023 15:31

I can understand why you got upset, I sometimes cry with frustration too. Your Mum and Dad are behaving like children though. You were right to speak up. I’d avoid with your son until they can take some responsibility for their strange behaviour

coxesorangepippin · 21/09/2023 15:34

Mountain out of a molehill

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 15:37

This sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other to me. You disagreed on something, you and your mum were both upset and crying as a result. The onus isn't just on your mum to get in touch with you.

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:37

coxesorangepippin · 21/09/2023 15:34

Mountain out of a molehill

Possibly but I am not you and you weren’t there - don’t know me. Comments like that are pretty unhelpful

OP posts:
ambitchious · 21/09/2023 15:37

coxesorangepippin · 21/09/2023 15:34

Mountain out of a molehill

Yup. And two adults crying.

ambitchious · 21/09/2023 15:38

Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:37

Possibly but I am not you and you weren’t there - don’t know me. Comments like that are pretty unhelpful

Show quote history

None of us know you or were obviously there op. You posted this in an anonymous forum for people to comment on.

Frodedendron · 21/09/2023 15:38

Agree with pp that no one has covered the,selves in glory here.

I would say that applies to the current stand off too. Frankly both you and your parents should be mature enough to pick up the phone to sort this out.

Is this type of fall out a pattern in your family dynamics?

Anyway, it's not worth a prolonged estrangement. Be the bigger person here and speak to your parents to sort this out.

MariaVT65 · 21/09/2023 15:39

Have whatever time you all need with some space and no contact. Then only if you want to, get in touch with them to see how they are feeling about the situation now.

My concern here is how they think a 3 year old should be acting. They have tantrums. 5 years old have tantrums. If they can’t accept that and improve their own behaviour, then you have a problem.