Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

OP originally said "get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa". She now says “Grabbing him by the wrist, lifting him off the floor by said wrist and dragging him to the sofa roughly and with anger.”

If the latter is accurate then yes that is more problematic than the way it was originally described. It's fine sometimes to need to physically remove a child but you should just be firm not angry about it.

But can you see that your father apologised, you ignored him and now you are annoyed they haven't contacted you to apologise. He has apologised.

I can relate. When I was in my 20s I remember it all coming back out. It was both an upset at threatening my child, but to be honest also recognising for the first time I was physically capable of standing up to my dad. I yelled at him, in part in reflection I realise I was yelling for the little me that never could. I was an emotional wreck that first time.

I think YABU.

I think you should reach out to them tbh.

I think you should call them.

Tbh it sounds like you have involved parents and you over reacted quite a bit if you did go "berserk" I don't think your Dad was very helpful with how he behaved at all and that would have annoyed me however it sounds like he apologised straight away.

No point keeping this going any longer. Just call them.

I’m glad my family don’t have the time or energy for this shit.

That’s lucky for you! Some people don’t have it the same unfortunately

This op! Your reaction was so OTT and I think you are more in the wrong here. It was probably that which hyped your ds up. You're acting like the injured party and you also have a part in it. So I think it should be you to go around without your ds and talk things out.

@GeneralLevy yes, I don't think some of the people minimising or dismissing the OP know what it feels like to watch a person who you loved but also hurt you as a child, start to display the same behaviour towards your own child. It is a big headfuck as you are a mix of angry, scared, hurt and also it forces you to glimpse yourself as a child.

It's not a picnic situation that allows for rational, critical thought and behaviours. Even loads of therapy and a qualification in family therapy and social work didn't help me navigate it with aplomb if I'm honest!

This sounds like a very upsetting situation for everyone. I think it is fair to say that this was nobody's finest hour and everyone needs to shoulder some responsibility for how the situation escalated. I'm just sad that it was all witnessed by an upset little boy who saw three of his favorite people at each other's throats!

I think enough time has passed for you to contact your parents and try and get things back on an even keel. Have a conversation with them without DS present to explain why you reacted the way you did and try and hear their side of the situation. Moving forward, I think you all need to adopt a united strategy for when your DS has a tantrum to avoid anything like this ever happening again.

A wise person once said to me, "You can have a relationship with your family or you can be right. You cannot have both!"

I have to say your post triggered some memories for me OP, especially your mother saying you have upset her. From the small amount of information you have given I suspect your parents are controlling and get "upset" when things don't go their way. My "mother" often used to say "you've upset me terribly". I grew up subconsciously thinking I was responsible for her feelings.

My parents were constantly critical of my parenting, my "mother" in particular. It got worse and worse and I felt I had to protect my children from her whilst also acceding to her "wishes" to see them. I say wishes, but really it was just she wanted to be able to tell people her grandchildren had visited, not that she wanted to put any effort into a relationship with them.

My "mother" was also a fan of the silent treatment, which is horrific emotional abuse. If not the silent treatment, then she would escalate her response to things to full blown tantrums. If someone is brought up in this environment, how would they know that this is not normal? I certainly didn't and often reacted loudly to her behaviour - which then of course meant I was the bad guy.

It is seriously toxic and I didn't truly realise it until my children were adults, I kept thinking it must be me, because I wasn't brought up to have any self-esteem and it was my job to fix problems that I shouldn't even have been aware about.

I thought I had a good-ish relationship with my parents although I always felt my "mother" was difficult. After my father died her behaviour to me got worse and worse. When she told me that if I'd been a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her children I stepped back from her and refused to deal with her except in writing. She has not taken any accountability whatsoever and we are now no contact and I have been in therapy for 2 years. I wish so much that I had realised 20 years ago how bad things were. Through therapy I now understand what I thought was a difficult but "comfortable" upbringing was hugely dysfunctional and highly damaging. Your mother sounds somewhat similar in that nothing ever seems to be her fault.

If this feels familiar to you, perhaps you should take a step back from your parents and do some research into toxic families, the effects of the silent treatment, narcissism etc. The Stately Homes thread here is a great place to start. I also cannot recommend enough the Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts.

This may all be a lot for you to process at the moment OP. Be kind to yourself and don't allow yourself to be pushed into anything you don't want to do.

It’s two issues 🤦‍♀️
Even if the OP had actually blown her top and beat her child it wouldn’t give her dad any right to do what he did in anger.
She maybe has something to learn strategy wise, but I’ll admit I’m not a perfect parent either and we aren’t always perfect.
Still, I wouldn’t let anyone drag my child around roughly and accept it just because I was having a bit of a wishy washy day on the parenting front.

Anyone manhandled my kids - they were instantly and very firmly in a quiet (and very angry) voice told to stop it immediately. I didn't go berserk shout or cry - I calmly dealt with it issue threats I would clearly follow through on and refused to allow it to be brushed under the carpet or excuse or minimised because of my reaction to it because it was completely unacceptable.

I've suggest at least one staggery to the OP - meet somewhere neutral or home turf - I suspect Op and her parents may have fallen into old patterns of parent child or her mother may be competing for top dog position so undermining her - that will be worse under their roof and in public place under scrutiny GF may well behave better which helps reset the tone - though OP should be thinking hard about continuing the relationship at all if it was a bad as she is describing.

I’m sure the OP would also be glad if she wasn’t hit as a child…

I love this. Thank you xx

Not being goady, but why couldn’t you just pick him up and put him in the car? It’s time to go home, he’s cracked it, pick up his shoes, pick him up and put him in the car and just accept he’ll tantrum while you drive home? Would have avoided a lot of drama.

Oh dear, what your child has learned from the experience is that it's perfectly acceptable to throw a hissy fit ,to the point that any adult trying to discipline/control his behaviour, is the one that gets a telling off.
You should have had the conversation about your preferred method of discipline privately with your folks,not in front of child who will now be empowered to do as he pleases.
You have handed an ill tempered child all the power, and are now having a strop at your parents,even after an apology was made. Having a hysterical sob over this situation is not good in front of a child,who you admitted was upset on the drive home. Getting so upset in front if your child will not give him a sense of security, it says if things get tough mum cannot cope.
I think you need to grow up and apologise to your parents for how you handled the situation but then explain ( calmly) that you would prefer grandparents not to grab child,Though that does rather mean in situations where the kid could endanger himself, they're forced to sit by so don't be surprised if they're none to keen on babysitting any time soon.

I wasn't there so won't comment. I just thought I would add a tip for future toddler tantrums:

1.Distract, so for example take him to shoes to put on but pick him up and fly him there, or be the tiggle monster until he puts the shoes on

1. If all else fails bribe 😂

I know right - if only everyone was perf

You are absolutely correct, and you called him out on his behaviour immediately.

I think you acquitted yourself well here.

Ignore this if I'm way off, but I suspect your mother is somewhat frightened of your father, and hence her tears. Deflection of conflict on her part by collapsing in tears or somehow redirecting all attention to herself is very likely a tactic she has used before. It's very possible that the radio silence is down to her trying to avoid challenging your dad by appearing to take your side.

If you want to talk this over with anyone, your dad is the person to do it with. He has already offered a quick apology. I'd ask him if was willing to talk it over, maybe meet at a café to do so, but without your mum, who is going to turn your interaction into an unhealthy triangular dynamic out of anxiety. Don't accuse. Just remind him that you are DS' mother and that you are capable of handling normal 3yo behaviour yourself, and he needs to trust you to do this as you see fit. Tell him you'd like to see him and DS having a loving relationship, and you'd like to have a relationship with him where you can trust and respect each other.

Listen carefully to his responses. If he tries to justify manhandling your child, I think you need to tell him there's a problem there, and that you'd prefer to go forward trusting that DS is safe around him. Give him a lot of rope here, in other words.

If he really digs in, it's time to reconsider the amount and conditions of contact.

Yep. All drama when there was no need for it.🙄

Honestly this has made me cry my eyes out

Go and see them, don’t let it run too long because it will build up into something that is harder to resolve. Take it from me x

All this drama over nothing. You went 'berserk', then started crying. Your dad got his grandson by the arm??? and so what? people are so bloody precious these days. The boy was misbehaving not doing what he was told! it's good for children to be firm sometimes. Does nobody ever hold their dc firmly by the warm to steer them towards what they are meant to be doing if the child has been told verbally but is not listening? You just turned it into world war 3! you are also terribly rude about your parents. Calling your mother a COW? who do you think you are ? you owe both of them an apology!

It sounds like you might have some things to unpick about the parenting you received as a child and perhaps the way that your parents continue to interact with you. This is not unusual when we become parents... we move from seeing the best in our parents as children, to having distance during adolescence and early adulthood then when we have children, we want them to have a relationship so we often find ourselves coming closer again, having changed, while they may not have done.

When we have our own children, we reflect on how our parents were with us and compare it to the type of parents we want to be and it can bring up a host of emotions that we have suppressed or new emotions that we are faced with.

I remember my mother looking at me playing with my children, I felt very judged, but she told me I was a good mother. It felt sad because she does not feel that she was a good mother - I didn't receive the brunt of it, but my sister did. My father is a wonderful grandad, but he was not present as a Dad.

In your situation, it sounds like everyone was emotional and I think there is a lot for you to unpick. Go over it, analyse your own reactions and work out how to navigate in the future. Decide which pieces you want to address with your parents and take it from there. I would suggest, starting with sorry.. it was stressful, DS was tired and didn't want to leave. Next time, we will try to handle it better. See what their response is... you might consider asking your mother if there is anything she wants to play with DS, long before you are ready to leave and gently reminding her that before leaving, it would be best to keep things calm - it often feels like others are deliberately sabotaging our parenting, sometimes it might be unconscious, sometimes unintentional, and sometimes not.. there was one stage with my parents, I was convinced that they were deliberately hiding pieces of lego - there was a whole lot to unpick there!!

With your father - you should address this face to face, without emotion and without expecting him to apologise, he already has. Dad, I know you think I am soft and you are entitled to your opinion, but I will parent DS in the way that I see fit. I am grateful that you recognised it was not your place to touch DS in the way that you did and I would ask you to remember in future that I do not want you to discipline him in that way.

Mum, I understand that we all got over emotional and I regret that it played out the way that it did, I will do my best to ensure that it does not happen again and I would ask you to also do the same. We can talk about it, when the situation is less charged and when DS is not there. I do not want him to model calm behaviour, especially when he is struggling to regulate his own emotions.

I am a homeopath... I would offer everyone some chamomilla!!

Sorry are you perfect?