Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

This is a totally fair comment 🙂

sounds awful OP.

I think 2-3 is often when stuff breaks down with grandparents because we haven’t been explicit about managing melt downs. And they panic because they’re previously compliant and easily appeased with treats grandchildren start being their own people. Especially true with GPS they see regularly and so feel safe being their true mad, melty, preschool selves around

i would, as many OPs suggest, pop in without your son.

but I would do so with a clear agenda. Not to castigate or blame. But to lay out clearly your parenting philosophy and how you would like that scenario to play out.

eg. We absolutely don’t use any physical punishment or man handling in our family. When DS is struggling to regulate himself I would prefer that you left me to have some quiet time with him. If you want to be helpful in those moments then getting all our stuff ready and packing the car up so we’re ready to leave when he’s ready would be the best possible thing you could do.

they sound like they might not have world class self regulation skills themselves. I would probably lean in to being collaborative + emphasising how important they are to you and DS. Then you have a super clear conversation to reference if things seem to be escalating in future.

OP, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt because I wondered if your father really was rough with your son. However, having read all your replies I now doubt that he was. You come across as very touchy and, yes, dramatic. You are lapping up praise from posters who agree that your parents are ‘toxic’ but writing really nasty replies to those who feel you handled the situation badly. Admit it, you didn’t want any advice at all did you? You were seeking validation and reasons to call your parents names.

I think there may well be some toxicity in your family but it may not be located where you believe. I hope for your son’s sake that you don’t spend too much of his childhood shouting at strangers you feel may have wronged you. Sometimes we need to dial down our tempers if we are prone to being thin skinned and apportioning blame unfairly. It must be upsetting for small children to see their parents ‘going beserk’ ☹️

Personally I think life is too short for stressing about this particular situation. Everybody is upset but it will blow over. If I was in your shoes I would pop over to your parents without your son so you can feel more in control of your feelings If you can and have a heart to heart. Everybody has their own point of view and both sides will feel they are in the right but just have it out and move on. Also, if they help you out it is important to keep this going!

Not at all, I have commented on lots of replies that I think are completely fair because the poster has written them fairly and not rudely. A lot of these posts are not ‘praising me’ and I have commented to say it’s fair. And I completely acknowledge my part in it. I can say I am not perfect and contributed. Tensions were high and we had a family bust up. And yeah I will get touchy when people are just simply being rude. Be constructive but don’t be rude. There’s no need. Someone replied saying that my son need a massive smack on the backside yesterday, I mean what is the need for that?

It has all been sorted now, I agree with you 😀

And to add I think some of what you’re saying at the end there is very true!

Thank you for your reply. I agree that rudeness on the forum is uncalled for.

I’m glad you’ve acknowledged that there was fault on all sides during the incident with your son. Glad you’ve made it up with your parents who clearly love their grandchild 👍🏻

They love him very much and I love them. It all just got out of hand on the day but lessons have been learned which I suppose is the take away isn’t it. But I would do anything for my parents and there is a lot of love in a possibly slightly mad family lol. Thank you for your comments

i went to a talk by a child psychologist who does lots of work with young children and reception age at schools, talks at conferences for early years etc. I also read a lot of Stephen Biddulph. I would explain it to your parents like this ‘one of your best friends, someone you love and trust very much, promises you a lovely day out and then suggests towards the end of the day afternoon tea at your favourite hotel but then says sorry you can’t have it you will miss your train. You would be upset and confused, even as an adult. Your DC was promised a game by someone he loves and trusts. That person took that away and he couldn’t understand or find the words so he got upset and then was punished for getting upset! Toddlers are not adults or little adults, the adult brain takes until 21 to fully develop intellectually and emotionally. Your parents caused the meltdown and they should have been reprimanded not your DC.

My eldest only ever had one big toddler tantrum and it was caused by my father making a promise he didn’t keep. Funny that.

So true.

In fact, every generation has had such bad parenting practices that it is a wonder the human race has survived as long as it has.

Honestly this is sooo true! I can remember getting left in the car whilst my DF went into the bookies in the 90’s. One of of my Mums friends used to mix an egg in with her babies milk in order to fill him up and get him to sleep better (said friend is 70 something now so this was many many years ago) 👀

Tbh though although we had a a fallout their not rubbish at all and I have taken a lot of advice from them since becoming a parent. Some
bits I don’t agree with but I do listen to them too.

You sound so much happier today OP, which is lovely. I think, at the end of the day, everyone is doing their best for each other/your son/their grandson and although little hiccups might occur along the way you’re all on the same team 😊

You could always do what my cousin does in this situation…. She calls her mum up and says ‘I’ve called so that you can apologise to me! 😂😂

I don’t think anyone behaved very well . Time to grow up and make up. Sounds like you have grandparents/parents who live you and your child , is this really worth falling out over?

I’m glad you’ve all made up.
Tensions do run high sometimes. My brother and SIL have to 2 children who regularly kick off when we are all together, it’s hard because the parents are feeling embarrassed and frustrated at their kids poor behaviour, the last thing they need is comments from people who forget what it was like to have kids that age! My dad makes some pretty unhelpful comments at times and we all have to tell him to keep his mouth shut… but it’s also hard when you just want a nice catch up and 2 kids are screaming and won’t do as they’re told!

You are not being unreasonable with regards to your son being pulled by the arm by your dad. He had no right to do that. Of course, you had to step in. It's a shame you couldn't just have let your DS finished the game ,then get him ready for home. You say you were crying but then so was your mum. Maybe now that you've both had a cooling off period,you could go around and have a chat with your parents. Reinforce to your dad that he must not handle your child aggressively or comment on your parenting in front of your child. Suggest that gran has a winding down "Let's get your shoes on! Mummy will be here very soon. " Will we get your things together for home?" Hoping you can work things out.The fact that your DS didn't want to leave is a good sign he's happy with your folks at least! Good luck!

Without wishing to sound rude; time to rtft before commenting … op made up with her parents many posts back.

Glad you were able to work things out op.

It shouldn’t but that really made me laugh 😂

People saying their children would never act like that are either lying or they’ve made sure their kids can’t trust them with their big, less savoury emotions. Great parenting, that 🙄😂

Im glad you’ve sorted it out now OP. You sound like a really good mum.

That’s really kind of you to say thank you, I appreciate that. I do try 🙂 am sure you are too. We are all just doing our best right x

Sounds like your parents do not respect your parenting style and will, in future, continue to reinforce their style, all the while feeling guilty about it. They are both screwed up and I would insist they take a back seat where discipline is concerned. They can just sit and watch you wrangle your own kid. They might learn something. I would wait until they reach out then issue this ultimatum.

Not a word from them all week! They’re probably thinking ‘ not a word from her all week! ‘

I agree that the mature thing would be to visit south out your son and talk it out. Lay out the facts that you are the parent so you have the final say in how he should be raised.
That said, I am not mature, let them stew. They'll want to see their grandson at some point so will have to be the ones to bend and make amends.

Your parents sound very similar to mine OP, dad loses his shit over minor issues, not dangerously physical but will scream, push, throw things etc. Mum isn't so manipulative but will throw anyone else under the bus to protect herself. I mean this in the nicest way possible but if they behave like that they are not being good people. They might mean well deep down but it means nothing if they behave in the ways you've described.

I wild be firm in telling them what behaviour is acceptable and consider seeing them a lot less if they don't change.