Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

What a load of drama!

We have the 3yo screaming and crying, OP's dad swearing and getting handsy, OP "going berserk" and "too livid", OP's dad apologising then telling her she's too soft, OP's mum starting to cry as she tried to comfort the 3yo, OP bursting into tears...

The only one with any excuse for their behavious is the 3yo, and that's because he's a small child.

At least your dad apologised right away. YABU to not accept that and escalate things.

To be completely honest, I wouldn’t have accepted the apology immediately either. I would need a further calm conversation to be reassured that dad understands he can’t react like that to tantrums.

Q) Is life too short for this?

A) Yes

Someone needs to make the first move and put all the drama behind you.
It may as well be you.

Wow - I am shocked that a normal toddler reaction sparked such extreme emotional responses in 3 adults.

Your boy will struggle with any sort of emotional regulation if this is what is being modelled for him.

You are not going to be able to change your parents so either work on better coping mechanisms so it doesn't escalate or don't take your son over there.

I agree with everyone else that the responsibility for this situation is shared.

But the fact that it was so charged and you couldn’t negotiate something so basic between you points to a deeper problem/some unresolved issue?

Your mother was definitely wrong to start a game just when you were about to leave; was that deliberate? Did she know you were going home then?

What’s the context here?

Do your parents look after your ds alone sometimes?

Also, I’m wondering why you didn’t take the initiative and move your ds towards the car? Were your parents frustrated because you were too passive? Or were they just tired after a long day? Children often get upset during transitions. Sometimes you just have to be kind but firm and go if you are going.

Sounds completely chaotic and no one sorting it
tbh you should of just gone home before it got to this
having him on your knee while he’s wound up like a spring
games out and shoe performance were just escalating it
as for handsy do you mean like many of us do you mean over power the best example of this I’d like when mine were small wouldn’t go in pushchair pick them you and hold them in pram till you got it fastened
sounds like all 3 of you had different ideas of trying to sort it and all 3 ploughed on irrespective

I wouldn’t be apologising but I’d just forget it and go round as normal
longer you leave it the more difficult it will get

I can see where your son gets it from!

Sorry that's just a joke, I can tell it was an upsetting day but quite honestly everyone got a bit overwrought and someone needs to be a grown up here and say "look, Tuesday was rubbish and we all got a bit upset - shall we just forget about it and move on?"

Lifes too short, just call round and act as if nothing happened.
Lessons will be learned.

This.

This.

Sometimes you need pick up your 3 yr old - especially if they are in full tantrum and you need to go somewhere. It doesn’t mean you’re about to hit them.

Was it this? Or was it more aggressive? It’s hard to tell from your post as everyone seems to be reacting in an over the top manner.

My teen would utter the word ‘drama’ and give an amazing eye roll at this - and I think she’d sum up the situation perfectly.

I think I get this. My dad was a bit handsy when we were young and I called him out in front of family for being too rough with a much older than 3 family member. But there were no sharp words aside from mine in front of the kids, and my words were intended (and succeeded) to make him stop immediately.

you and the other adults in the room owe it to your child to behave like adults. Everyone ending up in tears or crying is totally inappropriate. You hold it together FOR your child, and deal later. I agree with a pp who says the only person not behaving unreasonably here is the tantrumming toddler. Who sounds like he gets his emotional setting from the adults around him.

if there is no bigger story here then just go and see them, without child, and clear the air. Set some boundaries. But if a child is tantruming, at a time when you are supposed to be doing something else, you do have to take a view, pick them up and leave. Otherwise they learn that their tantrums work, which will create huge problems as they grow up and get too big to scoop.

This, absolutely this.

I think I’d just go round as normal now. A week has passed, you’ve all cooled off.
Dont apologise - you’ve done nothing wrong. Your Dad apologised already: sounds like we have the same mum and she just wanted to get in on the drama. Ignore and move on. All the best OP.

The only one who acted in a normal way here is the three year old. Even though he was upset he had to leave at least his reaction is common for someone that age. The adults on the other hand sound completely OTT dramatic. I can see it was a stressful situation but none of you have the ability to regulate your emotions and you either fly off the handle in rage or start to cry. You are all modelling this behaviour to your son.

All three adults lost their cool in different ways there, not a good demonstration to the 3 year old. I think you need to sit down with your parents and talk to them about how you will all handle him being tantrummy in future. You need to all agree.
Personally, I would often put shoes onto my 3yr old myself and carry him from a situation rather than waiting until he was ready to do it himself, I know other parents believe differently. You need to speak calmly to your father about your approach, not 'go berserk' at him.
You and your mum both ending up in tears is way over the top and you both need to talk about how to stay calm if ds is tantrumming.

When he started playing you should just put him in the car and gone home. Why let him go through all the drama and it would have shown him that he can't get away with playing up like that.
All a bit too dramatic in front of a 3 year old.

Agree with others that that was a whole lot of drama!
However as a granny I can see it from your parents point of view. We have a nearly 3 year old Granddaughter and sometimes when she’s been here for a while (we look after her all day once a week) we’ve have enough, are knackered and just want some peace and quiet and our house back. We have to bit our tongues quite a bit because I want to say things like “Just tell her she’s doing X, you give her too many choices, she’s too young to be making those decisions, she’s confused etc). Maybe your mum and dad had just had enough that day?! (I’ve been there!)

Your DS was badly behaved and you seemed to do nothing. That can be quite frustrating for onlookers. But your Dad shouldn't have interfered. Both in the wrong. .

I’d contact them, tell them that your son loves seeing them and you don’t want the incident to affect any future contact. Set any boundaries for future visits and draw a line under it. If you’d just swooped your child up and put him in your car at the start of this episode it wouldn’t have escalated.

I think I would leave them to simmer your mom crying was the height of manipulation

If your dad gets "handsy" like this in front of you how does he act when your not around?

Why was your mom getting a game out just before you were leaving?

Why couldn't you just scoop up ds and put him in the car Why is the shoe routine important

You crying did not help tbf you should be able to rein it in (although when my pfb cut her lip accidentally I did nearly pass out at the sight of her bleeding so I can on occasion overreact myself 😂)

Wow - I am shocked that a normal toddler reaction sparked such extreme emotional responses in 3 adults.

This - 3 year old have tantrums I'm also surprised you don't have strategies for managing your parents by now -as well oh no Mum we're leaving in 5 minutes have to do game next time - or done a quick game and a count down to leaving - a firm Dad please leave this to me.

I'd pick up the phone - see if they take the call they may well be waiting for you to calm down and make the first move rather than upset you further.

You also might want to think about meeting in future in a more neutral location park/ indoor play area so you have a bit more control over the situation - it's always harder work in someone else's house.

That's what I thought.

There sounds like a huge amount of drama from all the adults concerned - you and both your parents. Your DC is behaving age appropriately because they’re 3, the rest of you are not. Swearing, shouting at each other, and crying - none of these are acceptable behaviours to be showing in front of a child IMO.

Your child is having a screaming tantrum because he doesn't want to go home. Instead of putting him in the car you sit down and comfort him on your lap. He continues to tantrum. Your father tries to help by putting on his shoes - so you can get him to the car. You yell at your father.
There are many people who are not comfortable sitting through a toddler tantrum. I have had to listen to other people's children in grocery stores, restaurants, and movie theaters. I don't hate children and I think they should be allowed to go places. I also believe that parents have the right to be as permissive as they choose. But perhaps next time put him and his shoes briskly in the car and let him tantrum with you in the car instead of letting him upset your parents?

I think you should have just your son up and went to the car - many a time I've had to employ "the rugby hold"!

there's a way of doing it firmly but kindly - repeated countdowns, warnings "we've got two mins left, one min, let's set a timer, when the timer goes off we have to go in the car, lets race with granddad and see whos fastest" but if the child is that far gone into tantrum and distraction etc doesn't work then you just pick up and put in car.

I think just go over and say "well it was all a bit charged last week, next time when he's having tantrums let's give him three warnings and then just quickly leave whilst ignoring the screaming as best as we can, no need for anything more, toddlers are hard ha ha quick subject change.." and move on

do you trust them to have him alone? are you worried abt your dad using physical punishment with your son? maybe this incident triggered you hence the high emotions