Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

Quite possibly which is why I called them yesterday and it’s all sorted 😀

Good news

Children are hard work and the little humans can overwhelm adults very easily. It's just escalated but I'm sure everyone loves your lo. Sometimes I see my parents struggle when my kids are testing. Don't think anyone has a bad heart. I just think everyone got overwhelmed. You are all probably on the same page. Make up asap. Parents are a blessing to your children. You could suggest ways that help be calm your child.

@Chocpot1986
I have been away from MN for a couple of days, and nearly missed your update among all your following posts.

It's great that you updated, and brilliant news that you've all sorted it between you - so many posters never do update about any resolutions, even in long threads. Thanks so much

After you've updated, carry on by all means. But don't waste time and brain space defending yourself against anonymous posters who you will likely never meet in real life. Life is too short - and this is Mumsnet, if you post anything, especially in AIBU, posters like them will often appear, it just goes with the territory.

I think you are over-reacting. Why should Grandad not make grandson put shoes on? You are over-reacting and being really silly, now I think about it. Say sorry and start again. It's a three year old. Tantrums are a thing that need to be dealt with. Ignore a child that is throwing a tantrum. Who are the adults here?

@Grammarnut you are well behind the times. Check out the OP's posts only - it's easy to do on MN.

So pleased you have sorted it out x

I know I posted for opinions to be given to me and that is fine but it’s the way some people deliver such a reply and how horribly it’s written, like they have never had an emotion in their life or made a mistake. Sometimes there isn’t a need to be so rude and judgy.

Do you think all your replies have been nice and polite?

This sounds exactly like my mum. She'll never be the one to apologise. All I can suggest is that you just call them on the phone and say you're popping in ... and never refer to the incident again. If she is anything like my mother, even trying to explain why you were upset will only elicit further accusations that you are the one upsetting HER. You have to decide if this is the rock you are prepared to let your relationship with your parents perish on, or if there is a way you can circumnavigate it. Think long-term.

I might be speaking out of turn so feel free to ignore(and i know its all fixed now). My upbringing sounds similar- my dad had a temper and in the good old 80s smacking your kids was the norm. He wasn't ever what would be classed as abusive in those times (and similar to your dad, he did some amazing things and was really lovely a lot of the time and is an adored grandad) but when I had my own kids it did raise a lot of emotions for me - about my upbringing, discipline, "being too soft" vs inappropriate discipline, and feeling like actually my dad in particular wasn't appropriate and i was upset/cross about that (genuinely can't get my head around hitting a child, it blows my mind). I know you weren't worried they'd hit your son (i never worried about that either - my parents would never be rough with my children), but I wonder if it brought back some of the feelings you might have had about your upbringing too, perhaps that's why it escalated and you got upset. I had a bit of therapy which really helped. It made me confident in my own parenting style, and my own boundaries and it helped address some anxiety I'd carried from a young age (people pleasing type behaviours).
Our generations upbringing was different and It wasn't about blaming my parents or accusing them of anything, more just addressing how I felt about it, how I wanted to raise my children differently etc. And being confident in those boundaries.
I just wondered if it might be worth thinking about and if some of those same feelings were involved for you too.

This

I’m going to make an assumption here, that you’re practicing some sort of gentle parenting and aren’t renowned for being firm with your son. Toddlers throw tantrums, but they also need a firm hand. If we waited for them to calm down before we did anything we’d never get anywhere or do anything.

Is it a regular thing that you burst into tears when challenged? Sounds like your mum does the same so perhaps it’s a learned behaviour. Just be careful that your son is observing all this.

I would drop them a line; all three of you were a handful and no one is in the right.

No but that’s life I guess!

We always gave our daughter the ‘we’re leaving in 10 minutes’, then ‘we’re leaving in 5 minutes, could you please help by finding your shoes’. That then got her mind ready for the fact we were leaving. And she got to finish playing or whatever.

OP - life is, sadly, too short. I’d recommend seeing them and doing what another poster has said and acknowledge what happened and agree that all 3 of you should watch your anger around your wee boy.