Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

This. Common sense and no dramas.

This is my take as well.

More than one side was hurt here. And the phone works both ways!

Both you and your parents behaved badly here, so amends need to happen from both sides!

Grabbing him by the wrist, lifting him off the floor by said wrist and dragging him to the sofa roughly and with anger? I don’t think that’s ok somehow

I think that’s disingenuous of you. You are clearly using her words in a certain way to paint a picture of someone triggered for no reason, like she’s unstable. Clearly there was an issue here and it isn’t a supportive kind guiding to put shoes on that’s being described. Don’t pull apart words, but try to look at what the poster is trying to say- that her father handled her child in a way that upset her, then accused her of being too soft when she was upset by it rather than agreeing not to do it or acknowledging it shouldn’t happen.
Believe me there’s a fair few kids around I could happily have a rant at or manhandle at times- but as I’m not their parent it’s not my place. You have to accept that, you respect the wishes of a child’s parent, and if you can’t you leave the child alone and don’t get involved

I’m going to disagree with many posters. I think it’s fine to have a hard line no stance on physical chastising.

I think most posters think the hard line on physical chastising was fine and that making it clear that was a line in sand to GF here was also fine.

However they are also saying there were many opportunities and strategies that meant it never got to that stage with the GF.

Heading GM off with game before she got it out - picking child up and going to car when they started tantrum - firmly telling GF no the normal routine of shoes and walk would clearly either have to wait or be missed this one time as toddler wasn't in the state of mind for it.

Also a lot of the jiggling on knee stuff made my kids tantrums worse - and here seem to have wound up GF here for some reason - so carrying out to car would have circumvented all that.

However OP if the further context hinted at is abusive parents or your own childhood then I'd have a very careful think about if you actually want contact to resume and if it's in your and your DS best interest.

I don’t understand this ‘none of you come out of this well’ attitude. The three adults were hyper emotional which was unhelpful but the fact is the man was rough with the tiny child.

That is the most important fact here. However long the OP took comforting her tantrumming kid, the central point is her father was rough with her child and she remonstrated with him. Which is absolutely correct of her.

I don’t understand why you were crying. What were you crying about? You all sound like children who need a good talking to.

Yeah I’m sure her dad will survive, my concern would have been more about not subjecting my 3 year old to watching grown adults shouting at each other and bawling. That’s far more important imo than “giving him an earful”.

You asked for opinions OP and you don't like what you're reading and you're getting very defensive. You didn't come out smelling of roses in your parents' living room and you're not doing so either on this post. Maybe AIBU was not the best place to post if you don't really want to hear what others think?

Fucking hell. The news is full of arseholes defending a rapist and this thread is brimming with posters leaping to excuse the adult man being rough with the tiny child.

This all sounds like unfinished business rearing its ugly head.

When you were a child, how 'handsy' or frightening was your dad, whose response to normal 3yo behaviour was to swear and resort to physical force?

What is the relationship like between your mum and dad? Does he swear and resort to silencing tactics with her too? Do you have memories or observations of them in younger years?

Was your mum upset by his approach to you and your siblings when you were children? Or did she support him fully and wholeheartedly? How does your mum deal with conflict in general?

It’s two issues 🤦‍♀️
Even if the OP had actually blown her top and beat her child it wouldn’t give her dad any right to do what he did in anger.
She maybe has something to learn strategy wise, but I’ll admit I’m not a perfect parent either and we aren’t always perfect.
Still, I wouldn’t let anyone drag my child around roughly and accept it just because I was having a bit of a wishy washy day on the parenting front.

“Grabbing him by the wrist, lifting him off the floor by said wrist and dragging him to the sofa roughly and with anger.”

I think if you'd included this in the first post you’d have got a different response. There are numerous times I’ve had to just grab a toddler but it sounds like your dad was tougher than I’d consider ok here. I don’t think any of you were helping by extending things. Sometimes you need to nip things in the bud before it all escalates and becomes overly stressy. I think you need to have a calm conversation and dial the emotions down a bit on all sides and think about how you’d handle those sorts of tantrums again.

Amen 👏

Not saying I did come out smelling of roses, I can accept my part in things for sure. But I suppose I am shocked about the way some posters put things, quite insensitively I feel.

Sorry but it was damn clear it wasn’t in an ok way that was all supportive. People just wanted to pick apart her words, bitch and defend the adult male being rough with a toddler

You all sound very over-dramatic.

Child strops, won't put his shoes on: pick him up and put him in the car - no need to use violence. Problem sorted. No-one else screams and shouts.

I'm not sure any of you is modelling healthy behaviours

The thing is that if someone comes on here to complain about someone else's behaviour they are more than likely to emphasise, maybe over emphasise what the person they are complaining about has done and at the same time skim over what they have done. By her own words she went berserk so I believe her, by her own words her father quickly apologised and she ignored him so I believe her. Who do you think should make the next move?

OP you're being dogpiled by the "gosh, how dramatic" brigade...it happens. You just have to pick out the posts that are actually trying to be helpful and ignore the rest.

You're probably quite vigilant about rough handling of your child because you were walloped as a child yourself. Seeing your dad treat your child that way will have triggered a powerful protective response - this is a good thing and you don't have to apologise for it. I think your parents know that this is what's happened and they are sulking rather than address it. Don't pander to them. This is an opportunity to insist on an important boundary; let them take it or leave it.

I definitely think you reacted the way you did because of your childhood. My dad once got incredibly angry with my 7yo DS for disappearing off on a bike ride, to the point he was red in the face and screaming over him and my reaction was to start crying. I removed DS from the room. This was because my dad used to batter us when we were kids, particularly my dbro and it just brought so much to the surface. I also have some resentment towards my Mum as she didn't step in (in fact sometimes she joined in or seems to encourage it). I get why you reacted the way you did OP - it isn't ideal but it is human

Your dad shouldn't have manhandled the child. That is clear. You all handled it awfully though. Children strop when it's time to leave, you should have just dealt with it quickly. Picked him up and left. If this is everyone's reaction every time he has a tantrum he will soon learn to hide his feelings as he won't want the adults in his life to react like this every time he behaves like a normal child.

I’m a crier so I’m not going to try and belittle you here, OP. It’s frustrating as hell to be an adult and cry everytime I feel anger or overwhelm but it’s not anything I can control! Some adults are more sensitive than others.

As PP have mentioned it does sound like there’s something more in the background here, perhaps some upset from how your Dad was when you were little.

I would be upset if they hadn’t contacted either. Go round without DS and address what happened.

For those at the back:
THERE IS NEVER A NEED TO USE VIOLENCE TOWARDS CHILDREN

Her dad didn’t bloody need to do anything, regardless of if she was being a little flaky about things or not. No need to use violent… Jesus

There’s degree of problems, and dithering is not up there with dragging small children around

Or he will do it more as it achieved what he wanted, it delayed him leaving.

Thank you for those who have posted supportive and understanding messages. Some people on here just want a further argument and obviously have never had an emotion in their life. I will never post on mumsnet again. I was warned previously not to do it for what a toxic place it is. I should of listened!