Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

Yabu OP probably due to the trauma of your dad hitting you as a child, It all sounds very dramatic and unnecessary though.

You all sound very dramatic. The child will pick up on that.

The moment the child went into a tantrum you should have gathered your things, stuck the kid under your arm and left, calling out 'See you soon!' to your parents and then off you go go your car.

That shows the child the tantrum is unacceptable behaviour and you're going home.

Dithering at your parents as you have now seen leads to everyone getting upset.

Your dad apologised. You didn't even acknowledge his apology. I think it is your turn.

This,and finding the big change from your 'going beserk' to 'actually i was being firm' odd. They're polar opposite!

You were all in the wrong , you and your mum for crying , your dad for getting hold of your son , all because your DS was having a tantrum, which is normal behaviour for a 3year old .

Your mum may be thinking the same as you , wondering why you haven't been in touch , you're both being stubborn .

Oh come on - two grown women crying because you asked your Dad not to do something is clearly ridiculous.

Either you're mad drama llamas - or this is a result of childhood trauma, which is then very sad. But you need to do something about it so that you're not causing huge scenes in front of your young child, I gently suggest.

There is a lot I could say for further context but it is a lot and long! I wanted to avoid that in the first place as people were bound to tell me it was too much. I appreciate the posters who have been sensitive and offered helpful kind words

I’m going to disagree with many posters. I think it’s fine to have a hard line no stance on physical chastising. My dad would wallop me, and it had an impact he’ll never acknowledge. I’m meant to just accept it whilst he is untouchable.
Whilst I can’t change it for me and I’ve let go I will not allow any even trickle of a start of that behaviour towards my child. It starts somewhere and my dad had to learn it was a zero tolerance.
He did in time accept it with my eldest and hasn’t touched my younger ones in anyway I say no to. He got over himself and found other ways to communicate, and accepts now they are lovely well behaved children.
Personally I’d let them stew a bit and keep myself busy. When there’s a natural time for contact don’t rehash it, but if brought up calmly repeat it’s unacceptable in short phrases.

Gosh that was exhausting to read, worrying that adults cannot regulate themselves and this is a "huge" fallout. You were in the wrong, when he started tantrumming you should have lifted him straight into the car.
My dsis and her DH ascribe to the 'gentle hands' parenting, and their ds goes berserk every time he doesn't get his own way. They both try to 'talk him down' and this drives my DM mad (because it doesn't work) to the extent she isn't keen on having them over.

Yup, this.

Once they are full tantrum, dithering with them on your knee, moving pointlessly around the house will achieve nothing but aggravate the situation. Pick them up, yell "see you later" and get on with leaving.

Then you calmly remove your child from that situation and don’t bring them back, you don’t get into a stand up shouting match with him and escalate the situation.

Some of you on here have made me feel like I wish I never posted 😔I wish you were able to talk on here rather than typing. So you could get a better feel of the situation and the person.

A G parent slapped a child of a close relative. They took the child away from the situation. Radio silence for a while, then they contacted saying "We do not hit our children and do not allow anyone else to do so." They came back with a bit of a grovel (at least from Gmother) and no problem since.

You need to draw your lines. Your parents clearly have no concept of what a small person can deal with - under no circumstances should they be criticising your parenting and definitely not in front of the child.

Do not leave your child with them on their own - you must always be there.

@feralunderclass your Dsis sounds exhausting 😔

Did you have to leave at a set time to catch a train or something? If not then it could all have been avoided by letting your son have 5 minutes with the game, then saying to mum next time can we play games earlier. It's pretty obvious a child of 3 shown a new game isn't going to leave it.
Were you insistent on leaving that minute putting dad under pressure so the emotions got high?
I'd make time to chat it through without your lo so you can resolve it

Two adults crying and behaving no better than a tantrum throwing 3 year old

Are you saying next time he has an almighty strop in the park you wont pull him by his arm

You're being silly and more than a little high handed and holier than thou about your own way of parenting being sooo much better than theirs

I don't really know how differently you could have handled it OP. You continued trying to get him out of the house, and sternly asked your dad to not be rough with him. He apologised but muttered about you being too soft. (because grand parents can never actually be 100% wrong!🙄)

What the hell was your mother crying about!?

If this were me i'd leave them to stew. They'll be in contact eventually.

However she reacts doesn’t correct her dads problem, they are separate issues. Someone who hit me isn’t going to be allowed any room for doubt when they start manhandling my children. They have a clear choice whether to stop it, or not see them. Balls in their court/
Tbh I don’t feel wild sympathy if someone gives him an earful as a result of childhood trauma he caused. He’ll survive

Her father didn't physically chastise the child. I'd say taking him by the arm and taking him to the sofa to get his shoes on was normal. OP then "goes berserk" and her father stops and apologises. I think it is clear which one was blowing this up.

Poor child with all this drama. Put his shoes on or pick him up and plonk him in the car, no need for sitting down with him, it was time to go, he was having a strop about it and he was allowed to delay leaving.

This comment is ridiculous. You sound like a horrible person! Holier than thou? Not quite

It does all sound incredibly dramatic.

If your parents are likely to hit/harm your DC then I would never have them in the same room together. Does that help?

Bit Drama Llama time all round. Just ring and chat.🙄

None of you come out of this very well, so I think you should go to your parents alone and sort things out between you. You allowed your dad to get increasingly irate and take over dealing with your child. He shouldn't have done that. You should have taken control asked him to stop swearing and removed your child from the situation (he was already crying). You went berserk (sorry I tend to think what posters say first is probably what happened) which was unacceptable in front of your son. Your mum added to the drama. In the middle of it was a 3 year old little boy.

I think that you were triggered by your father’s roughness, because of your childhood. It’s absolutely right for you to protect your child. No one else will advocate for your child.

They won’t see it like that though I guess. They’ll feel hurt and ‘told off’ and they are sulking. The emotional disregulation runs rife in the family it seems and it’s hard to know how to proceed. One thing you need to stay clear on is that you always protect your child, and it’s very important to stay calm.

Contact them when you can and say the situation got out of hand, and can you all reset, with the understanding that no one ever gets ‘handsy’ with your child again.

No she didn't continue trying to get him out of the house, she was sitting with him. There is nothing about the grandfather hitting him but there is the OP going berserk. Probably terrified the child and made things worse.