Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

Exactly this ^

OP, Toddler tantrums do not benefit from pampering. Your dad may have been a bit rough or he may have been firmer than you were. We don’t know, we only have your side of the story, and it’s dripping a bit from here.

Perhaps in future when DS has a strop, you pick him up, say “bye nanny and grandad, we’re going now.” Thank your parents and put DS in the car.

I think you will be disappointed if you’re expecting your parents to apologise, you all over reacted.

Ah I get it op.

We were beaten in childhood, often for genuine mistakes or very mild misdemeanours. And it wasn't "of the times" either, despite my mother's protests these days. None of my school friends got hit. None of my inlaws or DH's siblings got hit during that time frame either. They were shocked that we got hit at all.

I think that the poster who guessed your reaction was instinctively rooted in your own childhood at his hands is probably spot on. I have a very visceral reaction to my own DM (dad is dead) when I start to see her lose her temper or get frustrated with any of her GC. She's not hit any of them, but she's hinted that in her day X behaviour wouldn't happen (ie, she would have belted a toddler to stop it)

FWIW all my siblings are hardline on any kind of physical punishment and not just slapping - any kind of dragging or rough handling is as far as we are concerned as bad.

Frankly, it was the toddler years of my own DS that a load of those memories have resurfaced. I saw how little he was, and remember getting beaten at that age or seeing a sibling get a thrashing aged 2 and all the explanations and justifications that you were told, that you accepted as making sense, you realise that they never did.

I was lucky, there were several GC before I had DS so the GPs were sort of trained by my sibling and their take-zero-shit spouse. But if not, I'd have been hardline. I think that you need to expect an apology from your your mum, but offering the olive branch to your dad given he did apologise at the time you can reach out and say that you've reflected and that you accept his apology. But they both need to know that the way they parented you is nowhere near acceptable in how they treate their GS.
Best of luck.

My family wasn’t perfect. My mum died when I was a child and I was brought up by an alcoholic father. I’ve chosen not to bring that drama into my own family. You have the choice of how to behave and what behaviour to accept from others.

I think I’ve replied so much as this really brought back memories of me 20 odd years ago navigating early parenthood.

At least I wasn’t on mumsnet I guess 😉

My mum used to cry in these situations too, I’ve always viewed it a bit like toddler tantrums. Doesn’t like the situation or isn’t getting a way, tears were effective.
Dad was physical, mum manipulated emotions. She stopped tbh when I managed to stay calm but unmovable for a long period.

My own parents did actually massive move forward once we ironed out the issues (with a fair bit of drama along the way…). We all improved. I learned to calmly assert better (but I so relate to the initial emotional turmoil and reaction). They learnt it was different now. I was an adult, the adult in fact, and there were some new rules. They became more involved and we got on better for it. They became hands on, and honestly agree the kids grew up lovely.

Drama happens, don’t get too wound up and allow some space to be emotional and react. It gets easier honestly

Totally agree with this. It's OK for people to sneer at '2 adults crying', but perhaps there's history with their dad/husband behind their reactions. And precisely why the OP doesn't want behaviour repeated with her son!

'Your boy will struggle with any sort of emotional regulation if this is what is being modelled for him.'

I agree with this.

What does "got handsy" mean-did your Dad physically punish your child, drag him or guide him a bit too forcefully?
What does "went beserk" mean? Was your behaviour what made your mother cry or was her crying just because of the general situation?
There are different interpretations that could be put on the account you give.
I agree with the people saying to approach them and say that you're sorry things got out of hand last week and can you all put it behind you. At some point you need a conversation with them about not using physical force (depending what your Dad actually did) and leaving you to deal with your son's behaviour when you are present.
Obviously if your Dad was very aggressive and hurt your son that's different and in that case I would leave it until they contact you and be very boundaried about future contact.
It's good that your Dad apologised immediately, it shows he is willing to listen.

Sounds like a massive over reaction all round. Did your dad drag your son across the room or take him firmly by the hand and lead him to the couch to put on his shoes? Big difference and absolutely not a reason to get hysterical. Mind you, I never let my kids dictate what happened next so I think there's fault on both sides.

Step back from your parents,a 3 year old should not be witnessing this overly dramatic behaviour,he is old enough that he will remember it.

Two adults in tears over it is beyond ridiculous.Time you all grew up.

So for context…

I didn’t get beaten as a child, I got a few whacks here and there and was roughly handled for ‘bad behaviour’. I was frightened of my DF at times as he could be really nasty especially when drinking, which he did frequently. However he was also a good man in many ways and I do love him very much. My DM also drank and has an acid tongue. She plays victim and finds it extremely hard/impossible to say sorry. Doesn’t see her part in things. However she is a good woman hasn’t had an easy life herself. Perhaps we are both quite emotionally charged and find it hard to stay grounded when in the moment. Everyone os different not everyone can react the same.

I love my DM very much but unfortunately she can be a cow. She can be nasty which has had an effect on me. I had very low self esteem and as I have gotten older I am less inclined to put up with this shit. I am less inclined to always reach out and say sorry.

It sounds like they struggle to cope with him. They should have backed off and let you deal with it.

It sounds like 2 different events

1. Tantrumming 3yo, GF gets him by wrist, planks him on sofa, shoes on, op goes 'beserk' everyone cries.
2. Tantrumming 3yo, GF roughly hoists into air by wrist, chucks him on to sofa, op firmly says not acceptable, everyone cries.

But I was doing that. I had taken him downstairs with the intent to put on his shoes and take him to the car and go. But my Dad had his shoes and wanted to put them on him which resulted in it escalating. The tantrumming doesn’t bother me, I was just trying to ignore his screaming and shouting.

I speak from experience when I suggest that you make the first move towards reconciliation, before the situation gets to the point where the breach becomes impossible to mend.

When things are calm, it’s easier to explain what your parenting expectations are and that you want your parents to follow them.

Do you have kids?

Well done for sticking up for your child. No matter what happens you should be proud of yourself for breaking the cycle.
Whenever I mention these type of things to mum she does not apologise or say she wont do it again. I think this hurts me the most. Possibly she needs more time. Its great your dad did. Can he promise he wont do it again?

I get it OP, it may seem like drama over nothing but you need to make it clear that their parenting styles, their values, their approaches are not your ''star''.

You have your own way of doing things and you're better off making it clear now while he's young that your approach is the one that needs to be upheld, not theirs.

My parents couldn't cope with emotions. My parents were like Verucca Salt's parents to my brother but to me, they met my upset with accusations of ''emotional, dramatic, sensitive'' so neither of us got to experience emotions in a real way. Mine were shamed out of me and his tantrums were caught before they took wind as they capitulated to his whims.

My parents made a mess of parenting imo but they still believe that their values ought to prevail. ie, no emotions ever shown, no swearing. A lot of pressure to think of MUM, Think of DAD, think of Sibling. Basically have no reaction to x, y, or z for the sake of {whoever}.

So the system is set up to use me as the trash can. I MUST accept the blame or I'm upsetting somebody.

I should have nipped this shit in the bud years ago but I didn't and now my parents are too old to ever reflect and ever feel like anything other than the victims of their ''aggressive'' daughter.

Utter rubbish. Newsflash, 3 year olds (and older) have tantrums and are not able to communicate their feelings as well as we do.

Well done OP for sticking up for your child. My mum never did when my dad treated me like crap and I hate her for it.

From reading your post and replies, your DF came very close to assaulting his grandson. In fact I’d maybe go as far as to say he did. No wonder you reacted that way!! Anyone trying to tell you otherwise is deluded. I wouldn’t place the onus on you to reach out, unless it’s a very matter of fact, “ I would like you to respect me as a parent, and the fact that parenting has changed since you were parents to a small child. 3 year olds have tantrums and we do not physically force him to do anything ever. He loves you as his grandparents and I hope you will want to stay in touch and see him. If you want to chat about it I’d love to come and speak with you both’

Having read your updates about your parents’ drinking and behaviour when you were growing up I’ve changed my mind, I can now imagine why it really upset you that your Dad grabbed your son. Hope you’re ok and I actually think you should wait a few more days and then ask to meet them without your Ds there

A problem with this thread is the amendments to what was said in the original post. Taking the child by the wrist to pull him towards the sofa became so much more. Op originally said she went 'berserk' but then turned it into a more measured response. It makes it a bit hard to respond really.

It was pretty normal in the 70s/80s to drag a child by the arm who would not put their shoes on/leave/whatever. These days, it isn't acceptable. Perhaps your father has not moved with the times. My kids were little 15+ years ago and I would just pick them up and carry them to the car without any fuss/negotiation if they didn't want to put shoes on or whatever.

Your mum sounds like a manipulative bitch. She could have calmed the situation - which was initially between you, your father and your ds, but she chose to have her own tantrum, which looks like it hasn't stopped after a week!

I'd say fuck them. Why bother contacting them? They can contact you if they want, otherwise get on with your life.

There is so much but I wanted to be as brief as possible so people didn’t say I had written too much. I should of described the pulling my son better, I definitely dilluted it in my first description and going berserk was probably how I felt I reacted but I don’t think I did, I raised my voice and told him never to do that to my son. I wasn’t screaming shouting and effing and jeffing. I get it it’s hard though for people reading. Your just going on what you have.

This all started with your mother sabotaging your "leaving the house and going home" routine. Do you think it was accidental (e.g. I can imagine my own DM not thinking of the time), or not? I expect DS was tired? if so that wouldn't have helped...

Does she do this kind of thing often, or is it a one-off?