Birthday coming up - already know I’ll be disappointed

[TastyCheeseYum]

My birthday is coming up and I already know DH will forget. I mentioned it’s not going to be a great day anyway as he’ll be at work all day then it’s football in the evening. He just said “oh, we can do something another time instead”. Tried to hide my disappointment but don’t think it worked.

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work? I’ll be with DD all day while he’s at work (she’s 18mo so doesn’t get the concept of birthdays yet).

Guess I’m just getting fed up of being the lowest priority in the household even though I’m the one making all the decisions, keeping the house tidy, etc.

Sorry, rant over lol 🫠

Aww hugs, lots of people celebrate their birthdays on a different day, because birthdays on a work day are a bit of a damp squib.

Could you arrange a babysitter so you could get out for a night at the weekend?
When you have a LO that age getting a WHOLE hot dinner is blissful.

Have you got any friends you can organise a day out with? If you want a nice day, make it happen. Make sure you prioritise yourself - no one else wants to.

Guess I’m just getting fed up of being the lowest priority in the household even though I’m the one making all the decisions, keeping the house tidy, etc.

That sounds like the real problem and your partner's can't be arsed attitude to your birthday just highlights it.

Do you always hide your disappointment when he doesn't show any care for you? Why should you?

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work?
Yes, if he's doing something that's a regular commitment. If he plays football normally on that day I'd find it a bit odd if he was going to cancel for someone's birthday (including his own). YANBU to want a celebration and for him to put some effort into it, YABU to want him to prioritise it on the actual date unless he's also not doing anything at all.

You would also be unreasonable not to be clear about what you want and expect him to guess.

Plan your own day, that’s what I do. Dh doesn’t think birthdays are that big a deal whereas I do like making everyone else’s birthday all about them, I enjoy doing it.

so I make my own plans, normally a lazy morning, an afternoon with my mum for lunch then dinner out or a takeaway with my own wee family.

YNBU in being disappointed in your husband's attitude.

HOWEVER

What you need to do is put your big girl pants on and tell him (not ask him) that you don't want him going to football on your birthday and that you EXPECT him to make a big fuss of you.

I bet you make a massive fuss of him on his birthdays, it's time for him to return the favour. Sometimes they need a nudge in the right direction though, they're not mind readers, after all.

Take charge! Talk to your h about what you want to do for your birthday.

What do you do for his birthday? Do you make a fuss of him? If so, he should do the same for you.

Arrange to do something you want to: see friends for lunch, buy yourself a gift, etc.

Get your h to look after dc at the weekend and go out - spa day, theatre, museum, whatever YOU want to do.

Don't put up with this if it makes for sad. Tell your h what you expect.

Imagine expecting someone to "guess" that a little fuss would be welcome for a DP's birthday?? Wild.

I agree with PP - plan your own day. Either something fun with friends who are around, or can you get childcare and go for a spa day or shopping day? He can’t help working on your birthday, and if football is a regular commitment that seems fair. I always plan my own birthday. Most adults wait until the closest weekend, and don’t pay much attention to the actual day.

Don’t you know you should be his absolute top priority only behind his daughter? He’s not treating you well at all

See I disagree with others. Why are you trying to hide your disappointment? I would be clearly sharing my disappointment at my DH prioritizing football over his wife unless there's a real reason he can't.

People have very different ideas of fuss. As can seen from the other birthday thread running now where OP got lots of fuss but the wrong kind.

I always ask DH what he wants to do. He might want dinner out just us or with the DC or wider group or just a takeaway or another kind of trip. He might want something specific that year or a surprise. I'm not guessing any of that.

Thank you for all your responses. To clarify, DH doesn’t actually play football or physically go to the matches, it’s watching his team on TV (they’re not doing particularly well at the moment either!)

Planning my own thing is a really good idea. DD is at nursery two days a week now so I’ll have a treat myself day on one of the days she’s at nursery.

Thank you again 😊

That's not what's going on here though, @DappledThings. It's not about getting OP just the right gift/outing. She knows from experience of never being prioritised that she's getting no fuss from her DP.

To clarify, DH doesn’t actually play football or physically go to the matches, it’s watching his team on TV (they’re not doing particularly well at the moment either!)
That's totally different. Watching it should definitely not take precedence. Playing is debatable.

He’s just watching it on tv when he could be doing something with you for your birthday? Not good enough really is it

@TastyCheeseYum guess he's an Evertonian then 😂. Organise a night out with friends and he can babysit if he's at home anyway.
I've realised at my elderly age, if I want something done I need to print myself.
Saves years of disappointment.
Hope you have a very happy birthday 🥳

do it

@TastyCheeseYum if you accept this and let him carry on then nothing will change.

Sit him down and tell him that you get 2 days a year when you matter the most - your birthday and mother's day. It is not acceptable that he forget or put zero effort in.

If he still chooses to not make a fuss for you then you cancel his birthdays and father's day and do nothing at all. It works on a 2 way street.

You tell him that you matter, that your feelings matter and football is not more important than you so he had better get planning or else.

DO NOT accept this as a martyr. TELL HIM he is expected to celebrate this and plan something.

Go out with your mates instead and let hubby babysit seen as he's only watching the football .

Why are you hiding your disappointment instead of speaking about the fact that you'd like to do something for your birthday?

I'd do something special or different in the day, have treat food in the evening and then plan something with him when he's off work. I sometimes have three birthdays because mine can fall on Mother's day. You need to tell him that you are disappointed which is why you want to plan something with him.

This probably sounds so pathetic but I dread my birthday. It just seems to highlight I have so few people around me who actually give a sh1t. I still cooked, cleaned, washed, did all the football runs etc.. my ex didn’t do a thing for my 30th - I just think it’s nice to have that one day acknowledged

I can’t stand football and I’m angry for you that he would put his ridiculous match before your birthday. I can’t believe you’re not screaming the house down at that. As others have said I would leave him to watch his poxy match and babysit the little one and arrange a treat for yourself. Whatever would feel like a lovely gift to yourself - dinner out with good friends/ movie with a pal / leisurely spa appointment etc. If he’s not going to put you first, then you need to. Have a fabulous birthday

Why of why do wonderful kind caring women still put up with shite from uncaring selfish men I was born in the 60’s. Nothing much has changed. Women don’t have to please and accommodate men. I’ve been married for nearly 40 years and hubby has always treated me as an equal. There are kind loving respectful men out there. Don’t settle for less. If the warning signs are there. Take note. Sorry. Rant over