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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday coming up - already know I’ll be disappointed

186 replies

TastyCheeseYum · 21/09/2023 10:38

My birthday is coming up and I already know DH will forget. I mentioned it’s not going to be a great day anyway as he’ll be at work all day then it’s football in the evening. He just said “oh, we can do something another time instead”. Tried to hide my disappointment but don’t think it worked.

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work? I’ll be with DD all day while he’s at work (she’s 18mo so doesn’t get the concept of birthdays yet).

Guess I’m just getting fed up of being the lowest priority in the household even though I’m the one making all the decisions, keeping the house tidy, etc.

Sorry, rant over lol 🫠

OP posts:
Sothisiit · 22/09/2023 20:41

Book yourself a nicenight in a spa hotel and enjoy some time on your own. If he won't make the effort you should.

NeverForgiveMyself · 22/09/2023 20:58

I feel your frustration - I shall be alone on my birthday - it's unfortunate but I have already had my husband making excuses as to present/meal etc.

My children live in another country so I will probably get some calls, but that's it. I have friends I could have lunch with, but tbh I can't be bothered sorting anything out.

So I shall buy myself a very nice steak, make some very nice chips and start (hopefully not finish) a very nice bottle of red wine. I'll buy a very readable book and spend the day reading it. Oh and will have to walk the dogs - but there is a lovely lake 5 minutes away, with a cafe at the end of the walk. Now I've got a plan!

Newestname002 · 22/09/2023 21:03

@TastyCheeseYum

If he still chooses to not make a fuss for you then you cancel his birthdays and father's day and do nothing at all. It works on a 2 way street.

Absolutely this. Why give thought and effort to someone who gives no thought or effort to you?

I second the poster who suggested you organise something for yourself with other family or friends. He's home in front of the TV anyway so can take care of his/your child. 🌹

Souleater · 23/09/2023 00:04

OMG he's not even PLAYING football, he's just watching it on the telly???
Unreal.
He is useless.

grumpycow1 · 23/09/2023 00:50

If he prioritises footie ON THE TV over your birthday then I’d definitely leave him to babysit and go out. He can watch his precious match and you go have fun with a friend.

NewName122 · 23/09/2023 01:00

Your DH has chosen to watch football on the TV over spending time with you on your BIRTHDAY?!??? That is awful.

UsingChangeofName · 23/09/2023 01:10

DappledThings · 21/09/2023 10:47

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work?
Yes, if he's doing something that's a regular commitment. If he plays football normally on that day I'd find it a bit odd if he was going to cancel for someone's birthday (including his own). YANBU to want a celebration and for him to put some effort into it, YABU to want him to prioritise it on the actual date unless he's also not doing anything at all.

You would also be unreasonable not to be clear about what you want and expect him to guess.

All of this

Why of why do wonderful kind caring women still put up with shite from uncaring selfish men

But it isn't shite, and it isn't related to him being a man.
If I wanted to go out with my sister, or one of my pals for drinks or a meal for my birthday, we would arrange it on a day that suited whoever was going. Very rare to be on the actual day. It has nothing to do with the person's sex, and everything to do with being a bit flexible so you can do both things.

I like celebrating my birthday, so I use my voice and say things like "Where you taking me for my birthday then?" It really isn't difficult.

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 01:14

I’d tell him and be clear about expectations. But my husband and I celebrate our birthdays on a weekend day, can’t that be an option?

ToWhitToWhoo · 23/09/2023 01:15

BluebellsForest · 21/09/2023 10:51

Imagine expecting someone to "guess" that a little fuss would be welcome for a DP's birthday?? Wild.

Show quote history

It's not welcome for everyone- if anyone DARES to make a fuss of my birthday, they are taking a serious risk of being MURDERED.

Fortunately, nowadays, anyone close enough to know when my birthday is, knows that it is of extreme importance to me to be allowed to forget its existence.

However, I would assume that the OP has already made it clear, probably more than once, that she does wish to celebrate it, in which case her DH is being inconsiderate.

FurthestUPNorth · 23/09/2023 02:25

Why can't he watch the football on "catch up TV" or the Internet layer in the day or the next day ?
Does he really have to watch the football in real time live TV ?

He puts football above you ?

Why can't he watch football with your child & you go out, birthday shopping or something ?

HerRoyalNotness · 23/09/2023 02:44

I’d just make it a bit special for yourself. Get a little cake and some nice snacks, put up some balloons and decorations. Teach Dd how to sign happy birthday. put on some music and dance together. Help her paint a card or picture for you. Do something you wouldn’t normally do with her in that day. You can spoil yourself if your H won’t. Yes you shouldn’t have to but do it anyway. It’ll lift your spirit and you’ll have had an extra fun day with DD.

Cappuccino17 · 23/09/2023 03:09

I think if i let my husband slip he would slip. Iv always made it very obvious he better do something just like i do for him. I make it known i have expectations and tell him in advance he has to take me out and cancel his plans on that evening if it's a week day because he will be working in the day. if it's a weekend it's a full day thing. I put myself first and make a fuss of it tbh because if you don't do it for yourself who will? Can't expect all men to do it unless you make it known. My husband knows i would cause a big fuss if he bypassed my birthday and i don't actually care if people say well he's being forced, i do a lot for him all year round and cause a fuss on his birthday for him. Main thing is I'm happy and get spoilt on that day and he knows i will do the same for him.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 23/09/2023 03:12

He can watch DD and football at the same time. Go out with friends. Remind yourself that you are a valuable human being and tell him to do the same.

asleep · 23/09/2023 03:19

God the bar is so low for men. I would lose it if my dh treated me like this

WandaWonder · 23/09/2023 03:24

I either go out with some or happily take myself off to something I enjoy, sure more fun with someone but I also happily do things on my own too I don't feel the need to need other company to enjoy myself

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2023 03:31

Tried to hide my disappointment

Why? Ask for nothing, expect nothing, get nothing. I ask for what I want.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 23/09/2023 03:35

I hope you don't bother making an effort for his birthday.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 23/09/2023 03:40

I'd be happy to celebrate my birthday on a different day, but because of football. And I absolutely would not accept being a low priority,

Stop doing everything.

Enjoy your birthday x

justanothermanicmonday1 · 23/09/2023 03:40

Not because of football* that should say.

JRM17 · 23/09/2023 04:54

YANBU if you are a child, but as a grown adult it is (IMO) rediculous to assume people would change regular plans for your birthday (unless it is a big one with a party etc). In the real world people have to work and have lives that don't necessarily revolve around others, book a sitter and a restaurant for a day you know he is free.

MamaBear4ever · 23/09/2023 05:26

He should not be prioritising watching a football game on TV over your birthday, my DH loves his football but we have clear boundaries on birthdays and other special occasions. Either tell him he needs to shape up or get yourself out with a friend and celebrate without him. Make the day special for yourself you don't need his permission. But I get the disappointment. They need training /telling!

Wife2b · 23/09/2023 05:35

Why did you hide your disappointment?? Tell him to sort his shit out and prioritise doing something nice FOR and WITH you on your birthday.

SpringSummerDreamer · 23/09/2023 05:54

Birthdays shouldn't be a big deal for adults. Just treat yourself by doing what you like during the day, or meet a friend for lunch (with or without toddler)?

SpringSummerDreamer · 23/09/2023 05:54

Perhaps no fuss on his birthday either!

autienotnaughty · 23/09/2023 06:17

I would get a babysitter on the night you want to go out ask him if he would like to come and if not celebrate with friends instead. (If it's on your birthday he's home so you have a babysitter) Make sure you get what you want out of your birthday and let him decide if he wants to be a part of that . I'd also put the same level of effort in on his birthday.