Page 3 | Birthday coming up - already know I’ll be disappointed

DisquietintheRanks · 23/09/2023 06:44

YANBU. I hope you make certain his birthday is a total non event?

moose62 · 23/09/2023 06:46

I think the main problem is that some men just don't see it the way women do. My husband really doesn't care about his birthday. He isn't bothered about celebrating it and wouldn't think anything of it if none of us bought him a present. I'm not sure he could tell you when the children's birthdays are if I didn't do all the planning etc. That doesn't make it right but he has very different priorities. Yes, it would be nice to have a surprise but it is so much easier to pick what I want and hand it to him to wrap up and then tell him whether I want to go out or have a takeaway. Now I just feel that if your DH is good in most other respects , it is not a hill I want to die on. ... just organise something you want to do.

BluebellsForest · 23/09/2023 06:50

moose62 · 23/09/2023 06:46

I think the main problem is that some men just don't see it the way women do. My husband really doesn't care about his birthday. He isn't bothered about celebrating it and wouldn't think anything of it if none of us bought him a present. I'm not sure he could tell you when the children's birthdays are if I didn't do all the planning etc. That doesn't make it right but he has very different priorities. Yes, it would be nice to have a surprise but it is so much easier to pick what I want and hand it to him to wrap up and then tell him whether I want to go out or have a takeaway. Now I just feel that if your DH is good in most other respects , it is not a hill I want to die on. ... just organise something you want to do.

But we can all care about something that we know is a priority for our DP. You probably do it regularly for him.

ConnieTucker · 23/09/2023 06:58

I dont know why you would try to hide your disappointment from your husband. What does that achieve? You do sound very low priority. And you do not work? Does he pay into a pension for you? Or do you from a different income source?

with regards to your birthday, ask him for specifics. He said another time. He clearly means never. Dont accept that. Ask for him to state the date you're going out for your birthday and what the plan is. Insist. Not going out on your birthday because he is watching tv is bad.

Do you have friends? Arrange to go out with them on your birthday. If your dh is just watching tv he is available to do the parenting that evening. Go for a meal and the cinema at least.

does he normally get you a gift for your birthday? Or is that a disappointment too?

Catopia · 23/09/2023 06:59

I guess the question is, what is it that you would want him to plan/want to do?
And does he know that? By having the conversation about it being "the football" you've already implied he gets to prioritise watching it that evening. My DP would at least quietly follow on his phone whilst acceding to what I wanted to watch on the telly at least!

It's my birthday next week. We are both at work all day. I said I wanted to do something in the evening. He made a suggestion of Y, I said actually I'd quite like to do X or something like X. He said that sounds good.... and I am presuming he is now planning X.... I don't expect him to read my mind and I am glad we spoke about it because Y and X were not very similar!

If your DH is going to make you a football widow for the evening regardless of you making clear what you would prefer to do, in the evening he can be at home with your DC and you can make plans with girlfriends or your family and do something you want to do - and make clear that you would rather have spent the evening with him but have made plans because he has failed to compromise. But don't have a miserable day/evening because of it. Go and do something really fun and have a happy birthday!

I get the football widowdem though... I have now got to the point where I have to have the fixture list of a "big games" because then at least I know not to bother making any plans involving him, and ideally make plans specifically not involving him and leave him to it because I can't stand it.

Aprilx · 23/09/2023 07:01

DappledThings · 21/09/2023 10:47

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work?
Yes, if he's doing something that's a regular commitment. If he plays football normally on that day I'd find it a bit odd if he was going to cancel for someone's birthday (including his own). YANBU to want a celebration and for him to put some effort into it, YABU to want him to prioritise it on the actual date unless he's also not doing anything at all.

You would also be unreasonable not to be clear about what you want and expect him to guess.

YABU to want him to prioritise it on the actual date unless he’s also not doing anything at all

Is this a serious comment? I am shocked. Now I do find it tiresome when some posters get angry that their husband didn’t read her mind and book the restaurant / spa / weekend break they had been hoping for, as I just think why don’t you book it yourself.

I generally plan my own birthday, because I am the planner, sometimes it is just a restaurant, sometimes we book a holiday around one of our birthdays. I am quite happy to plan the day myself and I don’t care about presents, but my goodness of course I would expect my husbands to make himself available! And what’s more he wants to enjoy my birthday with me and wouldn’t dream of going to football.

To OP, rather than tell your husband it is going to be a crap day because of his work and football, why not say to him, I am going to do this [something nice] with DD during the day and then in the evening you can skip football, I have a baby sitter lined up and we can go out for dinner. Take control. You seem to be martyring yourself.

Bertiesmum3 · 23/09/2023 07:12

You’re an adult, can’t see why you’re making such a huge fuss over a birthday!
arrange something with family or friends if it’s that important to you 🤣🤣

DappledThings · 23/09/2023 07:12

Aprilx · 23/09/2023 07:01

YABU to want him to prioritise it on the actual date unless he’s also not doing anything at all

Is this a serious comment? I am shocked. Now I do find it tiresome when some posters get angry that their husband didn’t read her mind and book the restaurant / spa / weekend break they had been hoping for, as I just think why don’t you book it yourself.

I generally plan my own birthday, because I am the planner, sometimes it is just a restaurant, sometimes we book a holiday around one of our birthdays. I am quite happy to plan the day myself and I don’t care about presents, but my goodness of course I would expect my husbands to make himself available! And what’s more he wants to enjoy my birthday with me and wouldn’t dream of going to football.

To OP, rather than tell your husband it is going to be a crap day because of his work and football, why not say to him, I am going to do this [something nice] with DD during the day and then in the evening you can skip football, I have a baby sitter lined up and we can go out for dinner. Take control. You seem to be martyring yourself.

Show quote history

Yes it was a serious comment. I stand by it. If he was planning on something on the nearest available date then he wouldn't be unreasonable to continue his regular commitment to playing football. Dipping out of teams you have a commitment to for a meal you can have another day is a bit silly.

As it turns out this isn't the situation and OP later clarified he isn't playing just watching at which point I also said that totally changed things.

But yes, as a general principle I do think anyone would be U to want their partner to drop a regular commitment for a birthday unless, as I said, they've also planned nothing else on another day.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 23/09/2023 07:25

These threads make me sad. My DH loves a fuss on his birthday, so I make a fuss of him because it makes him happy, and him being happy makes me happy because I love him. The various strains of "oh not everyone is into birthdays" are irrelevant. OP is, so if her DP loves her, why wouldn't he want to make a fuss and make her happy?

I also suspect (including in this case) that it's part of a pattern of not being appreciated. If you generally feel loved and cared for, it may be less upsetting to organise your own birthday. I think for many, they are a low priority all year, which is excused the rest of the time, but it is hard to excuse when it's their actual birthday.

So no OP, you're not unreasonable to want to feel cared for by your husband, and you should be making you feelings very clear on the matter.

Aprilx · 23/09/2023 07:33

DappledThings · 23/09/2023 07:12

Yes it was a serious comment. I stand by it. If he was planning on something on the nearest available date then he wouldn't be unreasonable to continue his regular commitment to playing football. Dipping out of teams you have a commitment to for a meal you can have another day is a bit silly.

As it turns out this isn't the situation and OP later clarified he isn't playing just watching at which point I also said that totally changed things.

But yes, as a general principle I do think anyone would be U to want their partner to drop a regular commitment for a birthday unless, as I said, they've also planned nothing else on another day.

Show quote history

I mean this as a genuine remark not a goady one, you should consider have higher expectations of your partner / husband.

As an aside, my husband played football for a couple of years in the evenings and it was a bit of fun for a group of over 35s. They weren’t under the illusion they were Manchester United, it was perfectly fine and normal for somebody to not be able to make it some weeks if they had a higher priority family occasion.

DappledThings · 23/09/2023 07:46

Aprilx · 23/09/2023 07:33

I mean this as a genuine remark not a goady one, you should consider have higher expectations of your partner / husband.

As an aside, my husband played football for a couple of years in the evenings and it was a bit of fun for a group of over 35s. They weren’t under the illusion they were Manchester United, it was perfectly fine and normal for somebody to not be able to make it some weeks if they had a higher priority family occasion.

Show quote history

I mean this as a genuine remark not a goady one, you should consider have higher expectations of your partner / husband.
DH would be more likely to offer to give up a commitment than I would! He would probably offer not to play on my birthday if I wanted to do something (and I would tell him that was unnecessary). I don't have a regular commitment like that but if I did I wouldn't expect to cancel it for a birthday that could easily be on a different day.

DH has happily missed playing cricket for family things that have to be on that day, I just find it a bit odd when people do that for something that could easily be done a day later.

Hiddenvoice · 23/09/2023 07:50

it’s not unreasonable to want to spend time with him on your birthday. My dh regularly works on my birthday and due to his type of job, is unable to take a holiday/ additional time off for the full month. We usually just hope that his one day off a week falls close to my birthday.

Id suggest you make it clear to him that you will celebrate with him another day but you’ll like him to arrange it and perhaps arrange a baby sitter.

Whilst your little one is in nursery, you could meet up with friends or have a treat day- spa day etc something just for you!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/09/2023 08:00

TastyCheeseYum · 21/09/2023 10:59

Thank you for all your responses. To clarify, DH doesn’t actually play football or physically go to the matches, it’s watching his team on TV (they’re not doing particularly well at the moment either!)

Planning my own thing is a really good idea. DD is at nursery two days a week now so I’ll have a treat myself day on one of the days she’s at nursery.

Thank you again 😊

I once sodded off for the day to the coast, leaving 18 m dd with DH one memorable birthday, pre mobile phone days too. He knew it was my birthday and didn’t even bother to get me a card. I knew he was planning to go to the pub with his mates, I just saw red, picked up the car keys and walked out.
I rang my mum and told her what I’d done, I knew he’d ring her thinking I’d gone there, (I didn’t want her to worry.) she said if he does ring I’ll tell him you’ve rang and are ok. She said if he wants to leave dd here I’ll tell him I’m going out myself and that is exactly what she did.
He’s never missed a birthday since.

BluebellsForest · 23/09/2023 08:02

Bertiesmum3 · 23/09/2023 07:12

You’re an adult, can’t see why you’re making such a huge fuss over a birthday!
arrange something with family or friends if it’s that important to you 🤣🤣

Guess I’m just getting fed up of being the lowest priority in the household even though I’m the one making all the decisions, keeping the house tidy, etc.

SpongeBob2022 · 23/09/2023 08:26

I know the thread has moved on a bit with some more detail added from the OP.

But seeing as 1 or 2 people have replied to you disagreeing I just thought I'd comment to say that I actually agree with you.

(Not sure why this didn't come up as a reply but this was in relation to DappledThings).

Newestname002 · 23/09/2023 08:26

@Daffodilsandtuplips

Loved that you took charge and your mum was so positive also and helped you 🌹

MoonShinesBright · 23/09/2023 08:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SallyWD · 23/09/2023 08:52

Honestly, I don't get this notion that you have to celebrate on the day. My DH is often away/working long hours on my actual birthday and I much prefer to celebrate at the weekend when we can do it in a relaxed fashion. Do you really want some half arsed celebration after he's exhausted from work and football?! You deserve better!
Say that's fine and let him treat you properly another day. Take you out for a slap up lunch or something.
If your DH is busy on the day just make the most of it with your DC. Have cake, go to the park, watch a film together, whatever. Then you have a celebration with DH and DC to look forward to another day. I love extending the celebrations!

Patchworksack · 23/09/2023 08:56

It’s one of DH’s better points that he doesn’t care about football. If he was actually the man on the telly playing for Man U (and earning ££££) fair enough - he can buy me an Aston Martin later! I’d be pretty pissed off if he valued a kick about with his mates over spending my birthday evening with me, but to prioritise watching a game on telly over you tells you everything you need to know about his priorities.
Why did you present it as a done deal and also not nail down what you are doing to celebrate instead? Speak up now before you end up with nothing.

ifonly4 · 23/09/2023 09:02

I'd tell him outright you feel disappointed as you'd really like to spend the evening with him and see what his reaction is. Either way, I'd plan something nice for yourself in the day. Do you have a friend(s) who you could invite around in the evening for something like a takeaway?

MsRosley · 23/09/2023 09:09

To clarify, DH doesn’t actually play football or physically go to the matches, it’s watching his team on TV (they’re not doing particularly well at the moment either!)

This is one of the most batshit things I've ever heard. Are you seriously saying your DH is prioritising watching a match on the telly over celebrating your birthday. Why can't he watch it on bloody catch up the next day? I can't even begin to understand why you put up with this.

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2023 09:10

Ponoka7 · 22/09/2023 20:32

I'd do something special or different in the day, have treat food in the evening and then plan something with him when he's off work. I sometimes have three birthdays because mine can fall on Mother's day. You need to tell him that you are disappointed which is why you want to plan something with him.

So the OP has to do all the planning/shopping/organising for her own birthday?

Sod that.

That just emphasises that he doesn't care enough

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 23/09/2023 09:10

Birthdays are different when you have kids but when they are younger it feels a bit rubbish if OH is working as kids don’t get it. Plan something nice for you and DD that day then find a babysitter for another day when DH isn’t working and you and DH can go do something. He needs to step up and plan something though.

In fairness my DH isn’t bad with birthdays but works shifts so sometimes isn’t off work for special occasions. When DS was younger I’d do something nice with him and my parents but DH now books the week with my birthday in as AL (because it always in school holidays and I’m a teacher as well so it makes sense). My parents usually visit so they look after the kids while we go to the cinema/have lunch then we get a takeaway and do cake with this kids.

NoLikeyNoLightey · 23/09/2023 09:22

I don't understand why people think that just because you're an adult, you shouldn't want to celebrate your birthday.

XiCi · 23/09/2023 09:25

NoLikeyNoLightey · 23/09/2023 09:22

I don't understand why people think that just because you're an adult, you shouldn't want to celebrate your birthday.

They don't in real life. I've only ever seen this strange assertion on Mumsnet