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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday coming up - already know I’ll be disappointed

186 replies

TastyCheeseYum · 21/09/2023 10:38

My birthday is coming up and I already know DH will forget. I mentioned it’s not going to be a great day anyway as he’ll be at work all day then it’s football in the evening. He just said “oh, we can do something another time instead”. Tried to hide my disappointment but don’t think it worked.

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work? I’ll be with DD all day while he’s at work (she’s 18mo so doesn’t get the concept of birthdays yet).

Guess I’m just getting fed up of being the lowest priority in the household even though I’m the one making all the decisions, keeping the house tidy, etc.

Sorry, rant over lol 🫠

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 23/09/2023 10:59

Can’t believe you thought having a birthday celebration by yourself was a great revelation and a fantastic solution. You should be calling the selfish tosser out and telling him he needs to step up as a partner. Watching football on the tv as a priority on my birthday? No - I’d be pulling the plug out.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/09/2023 11:14

OP I think you're missing the point here, you want to celebrate your birthday on the actual day not just do something on your own when your DC is at nursery. Now's the time to get this straight with your H, otherwise you'll continue to be bottom of the list forever - even lower than a televised football match! I feel bloody angry on your behalf.

AngelAurora · 23/09/2023 11:16

Stop running around after everyone then, buy yourself what you want for your Birthday. Why moan about it if you are prepared to put up with it?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/09/2023 11:32

Newestname002 · 23/09/2023 08:26

@Daffodilsandtuplips

Loved that you took charge and your mum was so positive also and helped you 🌹

Thank you, this particular day was the last straw… he once bought me a CD, we didn’t have a CD player!
We had ‘words’ something happened in me that day, my attitude changed, became more assertive.

cuddlebear · 23/09/2023 11:35

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I live alone and have covid. So all my carefully thought out plans with family and friends are out the window. I will have to spend it indoors watching tv.

Feel sick and no appetite so can’t even spend the day eating cake.

You can still have an amazing day with your DC, having fun. I hope you have a wonderful time.

PollyAmour · 23/09/2023 11:39

Happy Birthday for tomorrow @cuddlebear and I hope you feel better soon.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/09/2023 11:44

Book your self a relaxing spa day and let husband looks after his child. There’s absolutely no need to wait for someone else to do something on your birthday. Be self reliant and make the day special the way you want

Rachykins · 23/09/2023 11:46

I would not be happy if my partner hadn’t considered ANYTHING for my birthday. Yes, not all birthdays are ‘special’ birthdays but ordering a nice takeaway especially, or going out for a meal or even ensuring there is something in the pipeline planned for your birthday is surely the bare minimum. I’ve always believed in the small gestures for birthday such as a cake, banners or a balloon. I think life can be so dull and boring that I always expect to look forward to my birthday even when it’s not a big special one. I’d feel upset too OP but I don’t think I’d be hiding my disappointment or upset. I think it’s time to have a chat with DP and explain how worthless or not important you are and that it would be nice for an effort to be made occasionally.

Worddance · 23/09/2023 11:51

I think it's reasonable for him to skip practice for his wife's birthday to be honest. Especially given all the care you give that allows him to have these hobbies. It sounds like you're the default parent and that's what this is really about. Tell him that you need more

category12 · 23/09/2023 11:53

Worddance · 23/09/2023 11:51

I think it's reasonable for him to skip practice for his wife's birthday to be honest. Especially given all the care you give that allows him to have these hobbies. It sounds like you're the default parent and that's what this is really about. Tell him that you need more

It's not even practice, it's watching the match on telly at home.

MsRosley · 23/09/2023 11:56

Some of these comments set such a low bar for men it might as well be lying on the ground, hidden by long grass.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 11:58

FurthestUPNorth · 23/09/2023 02:25

Why can't he watch the football on "catch up TV" or the Internet layer in the day or the next day ?
Does he really have to watch the football in real time live TV ?

He puts football above you ?

Why can't he watch football with your child & you go out, birthday shopping or something ?

Watching on catch up is not the same. If you support a team you know that.

The OP might as well go out if he can stay at home and look after the baby though. She can do something she enjoys and he can be the caregiver for a change.

If my team were playing in an important match and it was being shown on TV I'd be watching.

I would hope he'd celebrate with her on a different day though.

category12 · 23/09/2023 12:09

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 11:58

Watching on catch up is not the same. If you support a team you know that.

The OP might as well go out if he can stay at home and look after the baby though. She can do something she enjoys and he can be the caregiver for a change.

If my team were playing in an important match and it was being shown on TV I'd be watching.

I would hope he'd celebrate with her on a different day though.

Show quote history

If it's an important match, there's no reason he couldn't do something nice for her on the day as well. He could just go to work and then watch the match and treat it like any other day, or he could make an effort: make her breakfast, give her flowers, bring her home a bun with a candle on it, hire a mariachi band 😂, put up a banner, do the dishes & other chores, take her out for lunch, take the day off, come home early, get a babysitter and take her for a drink after the match, run her a bath with rose petals, etc etc - there's loads someone could do to make her feel like he gave a shite that wouldn't have to cost a lot in time or money, if only he could be arsed.

AuntMarch · 23/09/2023 12:34

TastyCheeseYum · 21/09/2023 10:59

Thank you for all your responses. To clarify, DH doesn’t actually play football or physically go to the matches, it’s watching his team on TV (they’re not doing particularly well at the moment either!)

Planning my own thing is a really good idea. DD is at nursery two days a week now so I’ll have a treat myself day on one of the days she’s at nursery.

Thank you again 😊

I'm a football fan (on my way to a match now) and even I was thinking you were only being unreasonable if he was coaching kids or something... but a TV match?!
If it were a big Derby game I'd be gutted to miss it for a DP birthday, but I would.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 12:46

category12 · 23/09/2023 12:09

If it's an important match, there's no reason he couldn't do something nice for her on the day as well. He could just go to work and then watch the match and treat it like any other day, or he could make an effort: make her breakfast, give her flowers, bring her home a bun with a candle on it, hire a mariachi band 😂, put up a banner, do the dishes & other chores, take her out for lunch, take the day off, come home early, get a babysitter and take her for a drink after the match, run her a bath with rose petals, etc etc - there's loads someone could do to make her feel like he gave a shite that wouldn't have to cost a lot in time or money, if only he could be arsed.

Show quote history

He could do some of those things, agreed. Not everyone is in the position of being able to take the day off work though.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 12:48

And if it's a Champions league match there wouldn't be much time to take her for a drink afterwards. It might not kick off until 8pm.

jannier · 23/09/2023 13:07

If someone won't give up a hobby for one night they don't love you enough for you to waste time and life on

DivergentTris · 23/09/2023 13:23

moose62 · 23/09/2023 06:46

I think the main problem is that some men just don't see it the way women do. My husband really doesn't care about his birthday. He isn't bothered about celebrating it and wouldn't think anything of it if none of us bought him a present. I'm not sure he could tell you when the children's birthdays are if I didn't do all the planning etc. That doesn't make it right but he has very different priorities. Yes, it would be nice to have a surprise but it is so much easier to pick what I want and hand it to him to wrap up and then tell him whether I want to go out or have a takeaway. Now I just feel that if your DH is good in most other respects , it is not a hill I want to die on. ... just organise something you want to do.

Not necessarily some men, it's some people. I'm female, I don't celebrate birthdays, I hate fuss and attention, I really couldn't care less. Many people don't know when my birthday is, very rarely hear any good news from me and even those who know or do find out, know not to make a fuss or I'd run for the hills.

The difference is, I know some people like a bit of fuss, and expect it. If I care for them and I know it's important to them, I will give them that fuss as I don't want them to feel disappointed. I would always try and find out some of the things they'd like to do etc to make sure they enjoy themselves etc. I do however find it very stressful dealing with such expectations and the only reason I accommodate is the fear of them being let down. I do wish they could just be happy with a simple birthday wish and the fact I care for them dearly but hey ho, we're all different.

Cosyblankets · 23/09/2023 13:30

There are some big football fans in my family. To me it's just a match but to them it's a big thing. I get it
However, we would plan something for the weekend or another night.

ToWhitToWhoo · 23/09/2023 13:40

gannett · 23/09/2023 10:03

Same. It's only on MN that I've seen grown adults so tied to celebrating on the actual day itself. I haven't celebrated on my actual birthday for years, mostly because it's an extremely busy time of year for me workwise. It's much nicer to celebrate when you have the time to relax properly rather than trying to carve out a spare hour or two when you have a million other things to do. These days DP and I often take each other out a few months after the day itself.

But also, when you feel your partner prioritises you and treats you nicely all year round, whether they do something special on one day ceases to matter.

OP's problem is either, or both:

-Her husband has never made a fuss about anyone's birthday because they're not important to him, which is a totally fair position to hold, and she's never actually communicated that she wants a fuss made of her (also a fair position but you have to communicate it).

-Her husband rarely or never does nice or thoughtful things for her, and rarely or never makes her feel special. So she's put all her eggs in the birthday basket, so to speak, because she feels overlooked as a matter of course.

The second one is a larger issue and the birthday is actually a red herring. If you feel like the lowest priority 364 days a year, it actually doesn't matter whether your husband pulls the stops out on that one other day. You should feel like your partner wants to treat you well all the time - not necessarily with bells and whistles all the time, but just their default attitude to you. If that's lacking, a birthday treat isn't a fix, because the problem is with the relationship generally.

Show quote history

Great post!

category12 · 23/09/2023 14:06

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 12:46

He could do some of those things, agreed. Not everyone is in the position of being able to take the day off work though.

Show quote history

Isn't it obvious I intended those as some random examples of what a person could do, not a to-do list? I couldn't hire a mariachi band as there are none local. It would be hard to both come home early from work and take a day off from work on the same day. OP might be allergic to flowers or buns. Of course not all people can take a day off work 🙄

IdealisticCynic · 23/09/2023 14:20

OP - if he’s only watching football, then he can definitely parent at the same time. Call some friends and go for dinner on your actual birthday. And stay over with one of them so you can have a full night’s sleep.

If your husband complains, tell him he hadn’t bothered organising anything for the two of you together, so you organised something without him.

RampantIvy · 23/09/2023 14:24

My birthday is coming up and I already know DH will forget.

So remind him.
I have a forgetful DH, and he has said many times to remind him because he doesn not want me to play the martyr because he forgot.

So I always book a meal out or organise something, and remind him. He is happy for me to do this.

His birthday is straight after Christmas so he doesn't really celebrate much because he had had enough of eating and drinking too much and getting a load more presents he doesn't really want.

Tokek · 23/09/2023 16:11

I can't believe the amount of nasty, borderline bullying comments you've had in response to a post you've made about the person who should care most for you seemingly ignoring your needs. No it's not childish to expect a once a year occasion to be special, and you should be put first on that one day a year. Honestly it's pathetic just how much some women here seem more intent on stamping on other women than actually calling out the shit from the many shitbag men out there.

Screamingabdabz · 23/09/2023 17:03

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 11:58

Watching on catch up is not the same. If you support a team you know that.

The OP might as well go out if he can stay at home and look after the baby though. She can do something she enjoys and he can be the caregiver for a change.

If my team were playing in an important match and it was being shown on TV I'd be watching.

I would hope he'd celebrate with her on a different day though.

Show quote history

Not good enough.

Football does not trump your relationship on any day. Celebrating on a ‘different day’ is not good enough either as it isn’t her birthday on a different day.

Why are people defending some selfish dick who would rather hog the tv and ignore his family on his partner’s birthday. Unless he’s actually playing in a premiership match nothing justifies this.