Birthday coming up - already know I’ll be disappointed

[TastyCheeseYum]

My birthday is coming up and I already know DH will forget. I mentioned it’s not going to be a great day anyway as he’ll be at work all day then it’s football in the evening. He just said “oh, we can do something another time instead”. Tried to hide my disappointment but don’t think it worked.

Question is, AIBU to want to do something nice on the day when DH is home from work? I’ll be with DD all day while he’s at work (she’s 18mo so doesn’t get the concept of birthdays yet).

Guess I’m just getting fed up of being the lowest priority in the household even though I’m the one making all the decisions, keeping the house tidy, etc.

Sorry, rant over lol 🫠

Happy Birthday @TastyCheeseYum 💐

Bloody hell, that’s seriously crap. 😡
Your ‘D’H needs to bloody step up. Fancy prioritising watching football on TV instead of doing something nice for your wife on her birthday. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think you need to make it crystal clear to him that his lack of thought for you is making your vagina close up very tightly. Honestly, I wouldn’t have put up with such a lack of consideration even when I was much younger. It’s not hard to make a bit of effort for someone you supposedly love.

This will set the pattern for him treating you like shit for the rest of your life together, if you let him get away with this now.

Really hope your birthday is a good one OP.

I know what it’s like to feel like it’s not going to be good! All my special occasions this year have been an absolute sh*t show!

Mother’s Day, my sister got drunk at a football match and we had to go and meet police to collect her as she couldn’t walk straight!

My birthday, my son is currently going through some things, and he scratched, pinched and hurt me severely within an hour of me waking up. My parents phoned to wish me happy birthday and started dictating stuff to me and yelling at me, so I fell out with them because I told them they can do anything they like on another day, but not my birthday! My dad even refused to give me my presents at one point!

So next year, I’m locking myself in my family bubble and avoiding anyone on both of those days!! I’ve even thought about booking a mini break!

So go do something nice on your terms to make your birthday nice x

OP, if you are hiding your feelings about it and not letting him know he probably thinks you are not bothered. So when he says can we do something another day thats your cue to reply - well no, my birthdays Monday so I want to do something then. Or alternatively, if you'd prefer to have a Fri/Sat night out with your DH arrange something for the nearest weekend, let him stay in and watch the match on your actual bday and go out with friends or family. There's no point getting upset about something, not telling him then getting upset because he hasn't worked out you're upset even you've been actively trying to hide it ftom him. That's just crazy. Just talk to him and tell him what you want.

I am going to hazard a guess that your DP DOES know you'd like a little fuss on your birthday. Its hardly rocket science. And he would of seen your dissappointment.
And then chosen to ignore it.
Because to actually do something that would make you happy and feel special, it would get in the way of what HE wants to do.

That is the bit thats pretty shocking. He is incredibly selfish.

He isn't even prepared to put himself out a bit on your birthday. And lets face it not watching a football game on the TV, for this one occasion, is hardly putting himself out, is it? You're hardly asking for the world - just time and thought from your significant other. And that is something you shouldn't have to ask for. It should be automatic. The bare minimum to be honest.

So what can you do about it? I think firstly let him know how disappointed you are in him. If he still doesn't step up, then I would consider seriously your future with this man. If he can't make any effort one day of the year, even after its pointed out to him, it isn't going to improve. It means he simply does not care.
It makes me so sad when I read things like this. You are worth so much more than what this 'man' is willing to give you.

I never tell anyone when it's my Birthday (single parent with no extended family).
I do feel it sometimes, but it's something I'm working on in therapy (self worth).

He wants to watch football (assuming you don't enjoy this/support the team too) instead of celebrating with you. I think you shouldn't even have to ask. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a cuppa in bed, some presents/a card in the morning and for him to cook a nice dinner or buy a takeaway for you both after work.
I think you have 2 choices - explain exactly what you want, why and see what he says/does.
Leave it, sort your own day with friends or family, ideally including him having to do bedtime so you can go out for dinner with mates.
I think the bigger issue is why watching TV takes precedence over spending time doing something special to celebrate his wife. Does this always happen? Does he ever make time for you, organise things for you both, prioritise you? I don't like big fusses on birthdays/valentines/anniversaries but my husband will often bring home flowers, or run me a bath, or pick up something I like to eat at the shop on random days, book us a table somewhere with a babysitter etc (maybe once a month at least) - it shows appreciation for one another. Its important once you have children to remember one another too. If it isn't happening I think you need to discuss it and have a think if you're happy with feeling like his lowest priority (or actually being his lowest priority) because it wouldn't be ok for me personally.

Same. It's only on MN that I've seen grown adults so tied to celebrating on the actual day itself. I haven't celebrated on my actual birthday for years, mostly because it's an extremely busy time of year for me workwise. It's much nicer to celebrate when you have the time to relax properly rather than trying to carve out a spare hour or two when you have a million other things to do. These days DP and I often take each other out a few months after the day itself.

But also, when you feel your partner prioritises you and treats you nicely all year round, whether they do something special on one day ceases to matter.

OP's problem is either, or both:

-Her husband has never made a fuss about anyone's birthday because they're not important to him, which is a totally fair position to hold, and she's never actually communicated that she wants a fuss made of her (also a fair position but you have to communicate it).

-Her husband rarely or never does nice or thoughtful things for her, and rarely or never makes her feel special. So she's put all her eggs in the birthday basket, so to speak, because she feels overlooked as a matter of course.

The second one is a larger issue and the birthday is actually a red herring. If you feel like the lowest priority 364 days a year, it actually doesn't matter whether your husband pulls the stops out on that one other day. You should feel like your partner wants to treat you well all the time - not necessarily with bells and whistles all the time, but just their default attitude to you. If that's lacking, a birthday treat isn't a fix, because the problem is with the relationship generally.

Your DH doesn’t think birthdays are important so stop treating his as special. I did this years ago to my DH after he kept forgetting mine and he didn’t even notice. So, they’re just not a big deal to him.If everything else is fine then I wouldn’t worry too much about it. However, the fact remains that you want a nice birthday, so you’re going to have to create your own. Do a Miley - buy yourself flowers, take yourself dancing…etc. Take your DD and your mum out for a lovely lunch, take your DD for a swim and some cake, buy yourself some extravagant gifts - you know that new dress/bag/power tool you wanted? That’s your birthday present. Weather permitting, take your DD to a park in a ‘naice’ town - somewhere like Winchester or Chester and have a lovely day there.

If I read your post right you are the one that told him it wouldn't be a good day as he would be at work then watching football.

That doesn't sound to me like someone who wants something done for their birthday and if it is, it is a very passive aggressive, sulking, manipulative type way of asking.

His comment was appropriate as a response to your comment. Don't play games. Why would he plan anything now when you have already told him it will be a shit day.

That is a different issue from him just not bothering to organize or do something for you. He should plan something without either your passive aggressiveness or a direct request. If you hve told him birthdays are important to you and he didn't have any intention of even recognizing it, that is an issue to raise with him (but directly). For this year, just do something for yourself.

Don't hide your disappointment - communicate!

"I'd really like to do something special on my birthday. I'll book a babysitter - can you book a restaurant, theatre or something? Surprise me!"

(Yes of course he could book a babysitter himself, but if you sort out that bit he's got no excuse.)

Is your DD in nursery at all? If so then you could suggest him booking the day off on one of her nursery days so you can spend the day together - country walk, lunch out, spa day, whatever your thing is.

replies like this make me so sad. My partner books the day off work for my bday every year, I can’t imagine being so unimportant to him that he couldn’t miss one game of football to have dinner with me. There’s nothing I couldn’t miss for his birthday either, unless it really couldn’t be helped. Expect more from men.

It wouldn't bother me as I am not big on birthdays. But some people are and you are. But f you feel that you are always low priority then it's a problem. Do something with a friend.

No you’re not being unreasonable and you need to tell your husband what a rubbish partner he’s being. I can’t believe how many replies you’ve had telling you to make your own plans or do something with someone else. You absolutely should expect him to cancel football for one week and at least be home for the evening with you. It takes zero effort from him to buy a bottle of wine and a takeaway and just spend a few hours with you. So many women on here have been putting up with shitty men for so many years they genuinely believe they don’t deserve anything at all from them.

I’d be organising a nice afternoon tea or something with friends. I wouldn’t be relying on someone who is likely to forget to enjoy my day. Or just accept he’s crap and book something for the both of you if you want to celebrate with him. Surely that’s better than just waiting for him to disappoint you?

Beause it isn't really that enjoyable when he does it with resentment or because he is told and there has already been a fight / dispute / argument about it. Kind of ruins the moment.

Better to do your own thing at that point.

This sort of crap just makes me sad. If your husband can’t be arsed to recognise and celebrate you’re birthday - doesn’t have to be OTT - then frankly what’s the point? Aren’t spouses meant to enjoy making each other happy?

Why did you try to hide your disappointment?

I wouldn't expect my partner to cancel anything he enjoyed just to be with me on my birthday, especially for something as humdrum as a takeaway (not exactly a special treat). No reason why he can't watch football on that day, then take her out at the weekend.

I once went to one of my favourite singer's concerts on DP's birthday (he's not a fan and stayed at home by himself). The following weekend we had birthday drinks with friends and I ended up taking him out two months afterwards.

But then I guess that sort of thing only works if you feel treasured in the relationship on a daily basis and aren't staking it all on One Special Day.

You put a downer on it by saying is not going to be a great day!

Tell him you want a nice dinner, he skips football and gets your favourite takeout and bottle of wine.

Sounds like DH does not attach importance to specific dates. I am the same, especially adult birthdays although its a cardinal sin on MN.

DH has said we'll do something on a different day which I'd be fine with. So if I was OP wanting to do something on my actual birthday I'd leave him babysitting watching the match and go out with friends or something else not involving DH.

If OP sits DH down to for a rant of disappointment and make him change his mind how much pleasure would they both get out of the evening?

Chill Op and don't build it into a day of doom already. Enjoy 😊

Stop accepting being lowest priority. If you make yourself a door-mat, people will expect to walk over you.

Tell your partner you want a fuss over your birthday and remind him.

If he then still can't be arsed and treats you like you're low priority all the time in all parts of your relationship, then fucking leave him.

"Tell your partner you want a fuss" the op is not a child

She's not, no, that's why she needs to tell him what she wants. It's a fucking low expectation that your adult partner does something nice for you on your birthday if birthdays are important to you. What's the point of a relationship if you ignore the things that are important to the other person and treat them like they're not worthwhile?

It's fine not to want a fuss making over your own birthday if you don't rate it, but if the other person does, you do it because you love them and want to see them smile. If you can't be arsed, what the fuck are you doing with them?

I always make a big deal about birthdays in my family and if it wasn't reciprocated, I'd be gutted.

The posters that say adults shouldn't bother about birthdays, fair enough, but it's a lovely highlight in the year for many people.

Birthday disappointment?

How old are you - 10?