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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

178 replies

Overreactingmom · 21/09/2023 10:01

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

OP posts:
Lookingforasilverlining · 21/09/2023 10:05

He is emotionally abusing you and her by being abusive in front of her. I would be reducing/removing contact.

MamaBear2210T · 21/09/2023 10:05

Does your DD know SS have advised you no overnights? They've advised you, yes it's advise but if you allow it they will be assessing you to see whether you can protect your child.

Fuckingfuming1 · 21/09/2023 10:05

I’d cut contact, blame social services. you’ll have about three months of kicking off and tantrums from DD, but then it will blow over.

My X did something similar with bloody emotional and psychological abuse and I am still picking up the pieces from it. Seven years later it’s absolutely awful.
And if he does get found guilty, he’ll be going to prison for seven years so she won’t be going anywhere.

Original poster
Overreactingmom · 21/09/2023 10:07

Yes she does know SS said no overnights but because it’s just advisory she thinks (as he has said to her) that we don’t have to follow it and that SS are being over the top and so am I.

he is also still living with the gf and her 2 children.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 21/09/2023 10:08

I’d also be more open with your daughter and explain exactly what’s going on. At 12 they will have the ability to process this with support. So I’d also get some outside therapy.

PuttingDownRoots · 21/09/2023 10:10

I think you have to tell her that he's been accused of hurting girls/woman which is why SS have advised no overnight.

ChatBFP · 21/09/2023 10:10

Well, firstly, I'd take the SS advice. I would just tell your daughter that you'll discuss more time with Dad after the court case, as that's what professionals have told you to do.

I would listen to her about what she loves about spending time with her dad at the moment and I'd tell her that you want her to be happy, but that it's your job to keep her safe and well and when someone has been accused of a violent crime, the authorities require you to take certain steps to keep her safe too and you could get into a lot of trouble yourself if you don't.

Have you done a lot of discussion about consent and misogyny generally? It might be worthwhile discussing these things generally - kids do draw the dots eventually

ChatBFP · 21/09/2023 10:19

And yes. I would also tell her that he has been accused of harming women specifically.

I've explained to my daughter, who is much younger, that the hardest bit of parenting is saying no when your child really wants something. Just like standing up to your friends is really crap. But sometimes it is needed.

Try to keep anger and sadness out of it as much as possible. She will thank you eventually

Long game

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 21/09/2023 10:20

I'd tell her the truth

Fuckingfuming1 · 21/09/2023 10:26

I agree, I would tell her the truth, and if there’s any way of contacting the girlfriends two children’s father, I’d be inclined to tell him the truth as well. Let him make the decision as to whether he wants his children anywhere near that man.

ThisHumanBean · 21/09/2023 10:27

It sounds like he has been love-bombing your DD and making a life with him appear v attractive to a 12yo. I think she needs a sensitive and age appropriate version of the truth. Perhaps contact NSPCC about how to do this.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/09/2023 10:30

I’d tell her the truth too.
It sounds to me like he thinks having his DD live with him will help him in the court cases. Or worse, he wants access to her friends.

Id emphasise that SS are professionals whose aim is harm minimisation and there needs to be a really good reason to ignore their advice.

ShineBright1209 · 21/09/2023 10:30

Even though it’s advice from SS they will see it as possibly failing to safeguard. SS can only give advice and recommendations at this stage because there’s no court order stating otherwise but it’s up to you to make sure your child is safe.
Also have you seen a copy of ex’s bail conditions? SS don’t necessarily get a copy of these so it can be a case of following 2 separate sets of rules.

Hoardasurass · 21/09/2023 10:32

1st you report your ex and his girlfriend to social services (they will protect the gfs dc since she won't)
2nd you sit your dd down and have an honest conversation with her about her dad and why social services have said no overnight stays and the likely consequences of not doing as they "advise ".
3rd you get your dd into therapy for the obvious abandonment (and possible jealousy) issues over her dad not being there for her and now playing happy families with the new gf and her dds.
Unfortunately you can't protect her from the truth about her father and from the harm that a relationship with him will cause. Its time for the truth no matter how painful it will be for both you and your dd because if you don't it will destroy your dd when she finds out the hard way (ie when he's completely messed with her head and (hopefully) gets jailed)

KajsaKavat · 21/09/2023 10:35

I’ve had something similar but without the rape and I blatantly told the kids that SS would not allow overnights so I could not budge on that and I would not allow him driving them anywhere.
remember SS WILL blame you if you allowed it so it’s easy to refuse.
my oldest (17) could never see my side of this and idolises his dad but I’m hoping one day he will understand

ttcat37 · 21/09/2023 10:35

She’s 16. She is old enough and imo has a right to know what he has been accused of. Imagine if he gets convicted and she finds out that you knew and didn’t tell her. She would surely question why you didn’t tell her.

Wishitsnows · 21/09/2023 10:36

Tell your dd the truth. Let SS know he is still living with the gf and her dds. Stop so much contact. Let him take you to court. This is a dangerous man. You don’t know what he has been saying to your dd and trying to persuade her to have more contact and make her feel guilty etc. he is probably doing this to hurt you.

SquirrelSoShiny · 21/09/2023 10:36

Sadly I think it's time to be more direct with your daughter. If his gf's children are still living with him I would be notifying SS.

Hoardasurass · 21/09/2023 10:37

@ttcat37 she's 12 not 16

Wishitsnows · 21/09/2023 10:37

Don’t tell your dd it was advisory either. Pretty shocking that SS don’t block any access.

TripleDaisySummer · 21/09/2023 10:40

DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason.

She is 12 so I would tell her much more than she currently knows - that he facing two accusations of sexual assault/rape that SS have advised no overnights - and that ignoring that advice could have serious implications later on.

I'd also get in touch with SS about GF and kids still being there.

ChatBFP · 21/09/2023 10:40

Also, is your DD an old 12 or a young one?

Is she old enough and aware enough to know about Russell Brand or other high profile rape cases? Could you ask her, on a more general level, what she thinks we are supposed to do before trial in these cases - do we believe the victims and treat them as victims? Do we try to prevent other possible crimes? If this is the case, then we have to anticipate the worst, even if we don't want to, so that the court can decide.

None of this means you are saying that her dad will harm her, but the fact that some dads do harm their female relations means that the authorities need to know more about how much of a risk he might be to women generally.

Spinet · 21/09/2023 10:41

Do you have a social worker or is it just connected to the GF's family? I agree with people saying tell her the full story but I would want support for both of you in that. It is easy for your ex to use it against you otherwise too.

TotallyFloored · 21/09/2023 10:41

You will be judged by social services as not having properly safeguarded your child if you do not follow advice and something goes wrong. Especially if you are aware that he is not following the rules already set for him regarding living arrangements, as you know he is not taking the situation seriously.

I have had involvement with child services and was basically told that despite being given no formal protection, court orders etc, if my ex was to do anything it would be judged as me failing to safeguard them and I would suffer the consequences of that. It was said to me in a fairly nice, yet matter of fact way.

My only advice is to be fully open with children's services and tell them what you know, but ultimately in my experience they will rarely make a decision - they leave that to you and you (not them) deal with any fall out. So I would be very careful and do not allow yourself to be pressured.

I also had to deal with sensitive SA subjects with my children. I know you didn't ask, but I was advised to tell my own children the truth in an age appropriate way. That way, you can deal with it together and they never feel like you have lied to them (because when they do find out the truth they will be angry and they'll channel that towards you).

My kids are younger than yours, so if I think they are too young for something I tell them that, and that I will tell them what I can, when I can and will provide more information when they are old enough. I try to do it in a matter of fact way and keep my own emotions out of it. I deal with that away from my children.

Also by telling your children the truth, if they do have contact they are aware of the situation and can also act to safeguard themselves if they need to.

kirinm · 21/09/2023 10:42

ttcat37 · 21/09/2023 10:35

She’s 16. She is old enough and imo has a right to know what he has been accused of. Imagine if he gets convicted and she finds out that you knew and didn’t tell her. She would surely question why you didn’t tell her.

She's 12