Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

[Overreactingmom]

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

That is shocking OP.

@Overreactingmom . Again.PLEASE at least speak\online chat with womans aid. You musta caught all the RB\rape|allegations media hype this week. On the off chance you havent - there is very few cases that get to stage of actual prosecution. your ex-has indicated -he is being.
To be honest,had you outright refused all contact-he would have to take that to court.which may\maynot allow it...BUT ..takes time.
Beyond that you said DV convictions,you dont have contact as hes verbal abusive.
SS gave you(shit imho)vague advice.You know hes banned from gf+kids.
YET you are permit access based on HER -who clearly isni safeguard her own girls/self to be the middleman"safe"adult when your dd goes... Top of that,
he is already violate conditions re living arrangement-Utter disregard for "authority" far less gf +kids...sudden impact daddydaycare which wouldnt take genius to work out he will tell his lawyer in hope-at very least he knocks time of sentance. AND hes false promise your dd she can go stay week on\week off.? not in jail she cant
Hes got it all going on. believe me, i have been to hell n back.RE manipulative abuser coerc control....thats my business but read your own post back.
Pretty appaling that swk didnt tell you.They know you know. so does he. DDS oblivious and aye,being the good strong SAFE parent is a full nightmare. yer ex there is
ni do a damn thing but cause a rupture and dance you into the equation for potential emotional distress for dd.
so-again.call womens aid ask what/if advise suppotr they can give you.its not easy-but is way better than this shit

To be fair, SS are not the secret police and won’t have known your ex’s connection to your DD if he wasn’t a real presence in her life at the time he was charge. The Police are bound to notify SS of acts of DV and sex crimes if there are children present or in the care of the offender.
Even if a diligent officer had asked him about his children etc he would have told them he didn’t have custody or contact and so no SS involvement.
So I guess it’s a failure in the system as to why you weren’t informed. Appalling, I know, but they’d need someone tasked with searching the records for any children offenders have or could have access to.