Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

[Overreactingmom]

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

He sounds like he is laying the groundwork for when he goes to court for sentencing, by claiming he is a good father who needs to take care of his child who lives with him (or spends part of the week with him), etc. I think he is using the child as a pawn.

I read your posts more carefully. You answered some of my questions.

I think that you should tell dd that SS isn't advising no overnights and offer to have them come round and tell her in person or write her a letter so that she has the facts. include the fact that he's not allowed to live with his gf's DDs.

If he doesn't go to prison then I think that you will be forced to allow overnights. A 12 year old would be legally allowed to say how much contact she wants with each parent. It's good that she's unaware that she thinks that she needs to be 16 to live with her dad- don't tell her it's actually earlier. In the mean time I'd be hoping that he lost interest in her before she was 16.

She's clinging onto him because she thinks that she's lost out and wants to believe that her dad is a good person who will make her life happier. She won't realise until she's much older that she benefited from your struggle to give her a stable life. It's not fair but unfortunately at her age she might not be ready to consider the fact that she is better off without him in her life and that you've been protecting her all these years. 💐

That is absolutely right and it is grossly cynical

I had a similar experience, I fully stopped the contact and explained in a child friendly way the truth about why. My dc immediately saw him for what he was, once I'd explained and have never asked to see him since. Follow SS advice exactly, keep them in the loop. It can be very tricky because SS put everything on you by using the 'advise' line but what they really mean is, do as we say or when something goes wrong, we will put it all on you. I was basically told stop contact or they will remove my kids essentially. I took no chances and SS never contacted me again as they could see I was fiercely protecting my dc.

You must tell her the truth and if he's in court in January would he even be allowed to go abroad in December? I think he's talking BS, it's all part of the love bombing.

Very sound advice here

You can go abroad if you are awaiting a court date btw. I have a friend of a friend who was being done for serious drug offences and he spent his time on bail jetting off all over the shop as he knew he was going down for a long time (he got 7 years, much less then his solicitor anticipated).

“Dad says SS are overreacting”
”well he would say that, wouldn’t he? I don’t think they are. And if I let you go to him when they’ve advised against it they’ll start looking into my parenting too. He’s been accused of very serious offences, and you’re just going to have to accept this is how it is”

It seems to me that he is doing all the love bombing any non resident dad or mum will do when trying to increase contact time. The fact that he is giving her all that information about the No overnights being advisory is quite indicative that he is trying to convince your child that she can pick, at wish, where to live.

Involving a child in the details of the change of contact pattern process is quite abusive on itself: your child is thrown in the middle of the massive drama this will be from the get go. At 12 her wishes may be considered at court, but the key word is “considered” she won’t get to choose freely.

Please involve social services about the second rape allegation and new behaviour trying to change contact, taking her away on holidays overnight when the advisory is NO overnight contact. They are very likely not to do anything about it but this is about starting to leave a trail of evidence that may come useful in court.

As for the conversations with DD, just don’t get into the topic with her as the last thing you want is for your DD to become the messenger between you and ex. If anything, tell her that if daddy wants to change the contact pattern, he needs to discuss it at court as given his background SS won’t/courts won’t let you decide on that change freely. Then tell your ex to stop involving DD in the process and to take you to court.

I wouldn’t be surprised if all the interest in seeing her more wanes off when he sees that he needs to fight and show to be reliable, dependable and safe parent at court.

It may also be that he loses interest in DD soon, parents who are not normally interested in their kids, do not normally stay interested for long especially when they realise that taking care of a kid it is not all about having fun short times with them. He may find a new girlfriend, a new group of friends, a different job and thing will get back to what they were before.

I agree with pp he's playing father of the year so it'll look good in court.

Then go back to SS and tell them

It sounds very much as if he's trying to build up a picture of himself as devoted dad for the purposes of the court case, and that it will disappear overnight once the case is over. I would seriously question whether the girlfriend even wants her there overnight.

I agree that you need to let SS know that the girlfriend's children are in danger. I think you also need to let your DD know what the accusations are, she is old enough not to have the truth hidden from her.

as@ThisHumanBean says, he’s love bombing your dd, get her onside, makes him look a good father in court ( he hopes)
Id tell DD you have to wait for out one of the court case, your hands are tied until then.
And some counselling for her, a neutral person will hopefully help her see the true picture.

This!

This. It is my experience of SS too. You are seen like a possibly unfit parent until you show them you are strong and determined enough not to put your child at risk by agreeing to dodgy parent’s wishes and demands.

I would speak with SS and possibly see if they will meet with DD. I think there could be a risk that perceived demonising of her father cou,d drive DD further into his arms and cast you in the role of mummy meanie

I'd speak to SS now & tell them that you've become aware that he is wanting to take DD abroad imminently (& that he's also living with the 2 young girls & g/f)
Tell them you are concerned & that you would like to reduce the contact with your Dd due to this. Ask for thier opinion in writing. Show your Dd. TELL her.

I literally gave SS a mouthful of how if they'd listened to me the first time, it never would of happened and how dare they suggest I may even consider him having contact. I was very fierce. They got the message and I've had no involvement since. You have to be incredibly proactive with social services and prove you are protective.

If I was writing a report for the Family Court I’d state that “mother appears unable to protect child and minimises the risk the Father presents.”
Your ex has not yet been convicted and SS may feel it doesn’t have enough info to find your DD in need of care and protection at this point so can only advise you. Once the info is available from the trial then your parenting may be under scrutiny if it’s clear you didn’t heed SS advice. The Family Court does not need the same standard of proof as a criminal court when considering the safety of a child.
OP, that aside, think how galling it will be if your ex’s sentence is reduced because his counsel demonstrates he is taking an active parenting role in your DD’s life when up until recently, and through the hard times he has been absent.

You need to follow social work advice, and be seen to do so. Perhaps they could meet your DD and explain some of what's going on, so your DD doesn't think this is all coming from you

As PP said, social work can only offer advice at this stage, but if they think you're not doing enough to protect your DD, they could escalate this

Good luck. Horrible situation to be in

She’s 12 and a natural part of her development is to begin to move away from parents and question their beliefs.

Unfortunately he hasn’t actually been a parent in that sense.

One of the things I would be doing is trying to build a network of supportive adults around her so that she has better “not mum” options than her father.

Does she have a teacher at school that she trusts, a relative of yours, her best friend’s mum, a neighbour? Confide in them about the situation so that if it comes up they understand the context.

You can’t rely on a conviction, because the odds are stacked against that.

It’s an awful situation in every way. I can’t imagine how difficult it will be for her, to come to terms with this.

I’m going to reiterate that she’s 12 and not remotely adult in her thoughts. She may even need you to hold firm on the boundaries so that she doesn’t have to face the enormity of it. You might have to be the bad guy here.

If it becomes necessary, I would seriously consider telling her that ss “advising” means they are assessing your fitness and that she could be taken into care and away from both parents. It wouldn’t be my starting point, but there may come a stage when she needs to know what she’s dealing with.

Id honestly just tell the truth. Keep it as unemotional as possible just state the facts and what's been said to you and why you are worried. Dont bad mouth him just state your concerns and why you have them. This is all completely legitimate. Id be terrified. He sounds deeply irresponsible and 5 weeks of behaving slightly better doesnt undo that. I know she's only 12 but that is old enough to understand the basic facts of the situation.

Does your DD know about the assault on you?

Is she mature enough to hear the truth about this situation?

Sounds like your ex is manipulating this situation for his own advantage. Definitely tell SS

Definitely keep SS in the loop on what's happening here, proactively. Tell them he is still living with his GF and her young daughters. Tell them that he's suddenly markedly more involved with your daughter. Tell them he's planning to take her abroad for the first time ever. Tell them your daughter now wants to live with him. Communicate, communicate, communicate! This is how you demonstrate your concern and capability to protect your daughter, and your ability to understand the risks here.

I also agree with PPs advising you to be more open with your daughter about the allegations against her dad. Seek advice from SS on how to do this if you feel unsure or want their back up.

Acknowledge her powerful wish that her father was a steady loving presence in her life, that you understand she has a strong pull created by this recent focus and interest of his.
Help her see that you also grieve that she didn't get that father. That you wish things were different, but that some people are not capable of offering that kind of parental nurturing care.

Gently help her see how the warmth of the attention she is currently basking in is out of character and as much as it feels so lovely to finally feel like a daughter of a loving father, in reality his motives for currently acting this way are likely to be self interested, help her see that the choices he's made mean that he is now in deep trouble and upping his game with her could be beneficial to him when in court and as a way to harm your bond.
Tell her that this is no reflection on her, she is as deserving of deep unconditional love as the next person but sadly although (almost) all men can create children not all men deserve them.
Acknowledge the gap in her life and the tantalising glimpse he seems to be offering her of filling that need, but that it is, given all the facts (share them carefully and safe appropriately), likely to be illusory and temporary.

Tell her that you are her rock and will never let her down, that she knows this because you've been there every step of the way.
Tell her that if you take action to prevent her from drawing close to her father it is not to upset her or because he is a 'rival' but because you have a perspective she can't yet have with less life experience, and though it is painful and disappointing she needs to trust you.

You would only deny her this opportunity if you truly felt it was the right thing to do for her. That the least risk is he will build her up and let her fall and that would be crushing for her, the worst is that he will turn his cruel style of relationships on her and she will experience the abusive side of his nature.
Help her see that the way he treats you is a clue to his nature and she should treat him with caution even though all her instincts are pulling her to wanting that father in her life.