Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

178 replies

Overreactingmom · 21/09/2023 10:01

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 21/09/2023 16:15

I think something that’s very important to bring into the discussion with her is that rape isn’t about sex. It’s about power and exerting absolute power over someone. Womens rights are about freedom and equality - her father doesn’t respect these values and it’s illegal and ha behaviour is dangerous to women. this is the lesson I would be trying to teach her. By not sharing with her in a sensitive way, you are allowing him to paint himself as a Disney dad and naturally she will soak that up, even more so if he’s only bothering now, when it’s to his advantage in court. I’d also be explaining that to her. Xx

MrsMarzetti · 21/09/2023 16:15

Your Daughter needs to be told the truth as this case will soon be common knowledge and will make the local papers. It will be easier for her to deal with this if she knows before someone at school tells he. Ask SS to be there when you tell her so she doesn't think yo are making it up. Do not let him take her abroad, make sure she can't get her hands on her passport if she has one, if she doesn't have one apply for it now to stop him applying for it.
It doesn't matter that you have done everything for her, she only sees that he is her dad. Allow her as much time at his as possible during the day because come January she may not be seeing him again until she is an adult.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 21/09/2023 16:16

Chickenkeev · 21/09/2023 15:59

So, in this case, lies do become us! For now at least imo.

Show quote history

Never lies! Just curated truths?

Perhaps she needs enough of the truth to warn her of possible future danger to herself from him... and to better understand her Mother's protection of her.

Even at 12 she is going to hear too much of the gorey detail through school contacts :(

Better she is more prepared than you were for your shock @Chickenkeev .

thetrainatplatform4 · 21/09/2023 16:17

Yeah I'd be telling her the truth and go armed with some evidence so she doesn't just think you are saying it to change her mind.

Chickenkeev · 21/09/2023 16:19

babyproblems · 21/09/2023 16:15

I think something that’s very important to bring into the discussion with her is that rape isn’t about sex. It’s about power and exerting absolute power over someone. Womens rights are about freedom and equality - her father doesn’t respect these values and it’s illegal and ha behaviour is dangerous to women. this is the lesson I would be trying to teach her. By not sharing with her in a sensitive way, you are allowing him to paint himself as a Disney dad and naturally she will soak that up, even more so if he’s only bothering now, when it’s to his advantage in court. I’d also be explaining that to her. Xx

That's it, a sensitive way. It needs to be done incrementally, not like a cold hard truth sledgehammer. Poor OP and poor daughter 💔

JudgeRudy · 21/09/2023 16:28

Whilst I don't usually advocate lieing, on this occasion I might. I'd come from the angle that it's something you might consider after Xmas provided there's been no issues. When Xmas comes I'd say after court. There's a chance he'll be convicted and go to prison so custody or even access won't be a problem.
You know of 2 women. Are there other incidents/investigations that you're not aware of. Don't rely on Cafcas having up to date information, go through the Police yourself.
I'd be doing a Sarah's Law and a Clara's Law subject access request.
In the meantime I'd speak with the school and ensure everything is logged. Get his numberplate too, as much info as you can. Your daughter sounds like she could turn against you if you push too hard. Keep your loved ones safe and your enemies closer. Get involved in dropping her off and gather as much Intel as you can. Befriend ex MIL, friends parents etc. You never know what might be useful.

porridgeisbae · 21/09/2023 16:38

By 12 she will have heard of rape- on the news that might've happened to be on for instance.

She will know what it means- non-consensual sex.

It's not like she's 3 and will never have heard of the idea/word.

I get that it'd be a strong thing to hear about your dad though.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/09/2023 16:39

Tbh if he lives anywhere near you then I think you have to tell her what he’s been accused of - if he’s found guilty it’ll be in tbt local press.

far better she hears from you in an age appropriate way than from another kid in the playground

Hibiscrubbed · 21/09/2023 16:42

Well, I’d stop contact entirely. And I’d fucking dare him to take me to court, while awaiting trial for two allegations of rape and a record of assault…

Floppyelf · 21/09/2023 16:47

MiddleagedBeachbum · 21/09/2023 10:08

I’d also be more open with your daughter and explain exactly what’s going on. At 12 they will have the ability to process this with support. So I’d also get some outside therapy.

this. At 12 she should learn that some men are inherently bad and you can only
protect yourself.

He wants to play dad as he has a criminal case and if he’s found guilty, he can use her in mitigation to get a lower sentence or something to that effect.

Zola1 · 21/09/2023 16:53

Overreactingmom · 21/09/2023 10:07

Yes she does know SS said no overnights but because it’s just advisory she thinks (as he has said to her) that we don’t have to follow it and that SS are being over the top and so am I.

he is also still living with the gf and her 2 children.

The 'advice' is because they can't legally stop you at this stage, basically. Tell her that Dad has to see a Judge because he has hurt people and because of this you want to make sure she is safe until the Judge decides what needs to happen next. And make CSC aware of his girlfriend and her kids.

etherealfae · 21/09/2023 17:08

be honest with her, it won't be easy for either of you but she has a right to know even at her age. i would not trust him with her at all after those allegations wether the women were 18+ or not. absolutely not

RandomMess · 21/09/2023 17:48

I would ask DD why she thinks she isn't allowed to be at his alone or stay overnight, what sort of thing could have happened for SS to say that.

Her response may be very enlightening to what rubbish she has been fed.

Chickenkeev · 21/09/2023 17:50

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/09/2023 16:39

Tbh if he lives anywhere near you then I think you have to tell her what he’s been accused of - if he’s found guilty it’ll be in tbt local press.

far better she hears from you in an age appropriate way than from another kid in the playground

That's a very good point about hearing it on the playground unfortunately :(

Coffeetree · 21/09/2023 17:54

I disagree that the objective is to get the 12 year old to understand things.

Your job is to protect her, not to try to explain and persuade.

Right now she's siding with her Dad because you're clearly afraid of him.

Please get some support from SS.

bombastix · 21/09/2023 18:27

Your ex is looking at a custodial sentence in either case. Do your daughter a favour and stick with SS advice.

If she pushes, then you must explain this kindly to her. If he is convicted, given prior convictions, it's probably a minimum of 4 years. If more than one conviction, he could be looking at 10 plus.

Your ex is I think a very nasty guy and your daughter will have a very nasty shock in store if either case is successful.

EuphemiaFuckaduck · 21/09/2023 18:27

I've just read all this again, and the girlfriend must be off her rocker to have anything to do with this vile man.

I would wonder about her judgement and whether she's able to act as a "responsible adult". I can't begin to comprehend any woman - and especially one with children - wanting to have anything to do with a man who may or may not be a rapist, is definitely physically abusive, has an alcohol problem, and is not fit to drive anyone anywhere.

I think I'd have contact in public places only.

I agree with a PP who suggests you ask your DD why she thinks she's not allowed to stay overnight, and take the conversation from there.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2023 20:41

Ghostjail · 21/09/2023 11:11

I agree to very gently explain to her that he has been manipulating her. This needs to be done very carefully and emphasising that none of this is her fault or anything to do with her. You can gently explain that he has told her they will go abroad but that this is a lie because he is not allowed to go abroad. That sometimes people promise us things that they can't deliver and it doesn't matter to them if we are hurt or disappointed. You need to also explain that him calling you names and saying bad things about you is bullying and manipulative behaviour and that happy, healthy and safe to be around people don't do this. She needs to be able to spot manipulations and lies so that she doesn't replicate the relationship she has with her dad when she starts having romantic relationships.

This is very true, his behaviour is setting her up to not recognise or understand abusive behaviour when she is older and starts dating. It is so important for her to understand this.

Rexxxxxx · 21/09/2023 20:47

I would be complete honest with her. Tell her SS have recommended no sleep overs and only day visits due to suspected assault of two two women. You agree with SS and both you and SS prioritise her safeguarding above anything.

Rexxxxxx · 21/09/2023 20:48

Also state that if she ever feels physically unsafe or emotionally manipulated she must tell you

Rexxxxxx · 21/09/2023 20:49

So no trips away, no over nights for her own safety safeguarding

Summerbee3 · 21/09/2023 20:55

I’m not sure I’d trust the girlfriend to be safeguarding your DD either since she’s letting her 2 DD’s live with him!

Redwinestillfine · 21/09/2023 21:12

Talk to SS. Explain he is showing more interest in her and pressing for overnights. Ask for their help. They may know the best way to talk to her about it. No way I would be letting her go. Especially given he seems so keen. Massive red flag.

Fuckingfuming1 · 22/09/2023 09:51

Redwinestillfine · 21/09/2023 21:12

Talk to SS. Explain he is showing more interest in her and pressing for overnights. Ask for their help. They may know the best way to talk to her about it. No way I would be letting her go. Especially given he seems so keen. Massive red flag.

What people don’t seem to understand is social, Services will probably help him. They’ll probably facilitate the visits.
Truly, you couldn’t make it up.

Original poster
Overreactingmom · 22/09/2023 19:51

You know what’s occurred to me that’s pretty appalling? I knew nothing of this til he told me. Neither the police or social services contacted me to tell me the man I share a child with has been accused or rape twice.

OP posts: