Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

[Overreactingmom]

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

The advisory says “So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.”

Just noticed that he is going to be in court in January for the rape allegations BUT want to take DD away to a holiday abroad in Christmas.

Have you considered he may be planning to stay away to avoid court/jail? If that is not a red flag, O don’t know what it is.

Contact social services, stop contact and wait until he takes you to court or until his rape accusation has been reviewed in court. You should not be considering increasing his contact at all to appease your DD, you should be asking for him to get supervised contact given the circumstances.

16 is 4 years away so do not let the comment upset you too much. She will become more aware of who he is in that time. She is just enjoying her dad's attention for now but she doesn't know what he is accused of. You need to prepare her for his court dates as he faces very serious charges.

I would tell her that he is facing very serious charges of harm against 2 women and that he is facing a lengthy prison sentence. Tell her his actions and choices are not to do with her or you and they are purely of his own doing. Tell her you will do your best to answer questions but there are some things you cannot know the answer to but you are there to support her. Tell her the courts and social services have a duty to keep you and her safe and although it must seem upsetting and hurtful she cannot stay with her dad they have good reason to impose those restrictions. Tell her it isn't done lightly and things will be reviewed after the court case. Tell her you love her and are doing what is asked to keep her safe.

I would try avoid too many details until after the court case and maybe once the verdict is in use that as the opportunity to discuss sex, consent and what support services are out there for women who are abused and violated. It's heavy for a 12 year old but unfortunately her innocence is going to be tainted by the actions of her father

Another vote for the full truth as unpalatable as it is.
There is no way I would facilitate overnights or this proposed holiday

Also I'd be super proactive and be working overtime with social services

I think unfortunately you have to tell your DD. Which is shit, she's still young, but he's put you in this situation, noone else.

He's a rapist. Of course you must do everything possible to protect your DD.

And yes, I know he's not been convicted, but two allegations?!

And tell SS of his living situation...

You have had some good advice on this thread but I would not tell her about what he has been accused of. He hasn’t been found guilty yet (? apologies if I have missed something) but also this information is in no way appropriate to tell a 12 year old girl who clearly loves her Dad. I was told something much less serious about mine when I was 15 and the knowledge of it nearly triggered an eating disorder. She is still a child, barely into secondary school.

I would tell her the truth.

Finding an age appropriate way to describe rape will be the challenge, but she needs to understand why your duty is to protect her.

The other issue with this in addition to what everyone else has said is that no doubt your daughter would want to have friends over to stay, and this is not a man who should be having unsupervised access with any teenage girl. Imagine if you were the parents of another child, and this wasn’t disclosed, and they went to stay over and something happened

Whilst social services have given you advice, that was presumably based on the fact that she wasn’t actually seeing him that much since that advice was given, it looks like things are vamped up, and it is quite concerning that he is asking her to live with him and encouraging that. I suggest (family lawyer) that you call children services tell them been going on and asked for updated advice. In my view, your daughter shouldn’t be going overnight until the rape case has been dealt with. If he’s convicted he will go to prison anyway. if he’s not convicted then you can tell your daughter, you can review things then.

@Overreactingmom Tell your daughter the truth.
It’s horrible for you both, your daughter needs truth and honesty.

Not RTFT just OP's posts, but has anyone else said that he's encouraging the DD to live with him so as to use this in his favour in court? His solicitor has probably told him to present as a committed family man with PR over young DD, which will go in his favour if it comes to sentencing.

I thought exactly the same as @GoingDownLikeBHS

He is abusing you (and using her to do so).

Am I being too suspicious in thinking that he might also be trying to make himself look like a devoted family man who is trusted with his daughter ? Even his estranged wife trusts him! (There is always: 'But your honour, a prison sentence would be a sentence for this innocent little girl who depends on me' ) His new interest in her is notable.

I agree that she needs to know the truth before she completely falls for him in the heroic-dad image he is presenting to her.

It will be in the papers and at school if in court.

If you talk to her about his treatment of girls/women , at least she will be looking out for trouble when with him. Even if she refuses to believe you now, she might be protected by understanding any future wrong-doing from him when she sees it (rather than feeling any wrong-doing by him is her fault and a secret).

Is it possible to get SS to explain to her why they advise as they do?

This might be better than you explaining (as he can tell her that you hate him etc.). You could then add to this by talking through why you trust them and agree with them? You might be able to lead her to this conclusion herself.

Sorry - I was slow to post my answer and can see other people are also suspicious of his motives!

I think you have to tell her the truth (gently, appropriately, maybe research how to do this, follow up with lots of support for her, ensure she has access to other support if needed) or she will grow up believing you are purposely obstructing/undermining their relationship.

Or worse, get rebellious and put herself in danger as a teen by going over to his house unsupervised whether day or night.

The assault is confirmed and familiarity breeds contempt in this sort of people – I've no doubt that while he may be sweet to her now, he'll start treating her the way he treated you if she moves in.

He already is by being abusive to you in front of her – honestly not to guilt trip you because it's hard decisions all round, but you're teaching her a terrible message that it's OK for girls/women to be treated like trash. She'll prob find a boyfriend/partner like him.

Sounds like her dad and his GF are using her as a babysitter for the GF's two.

I agree he is abusing both of you.
you move forward by reducing his presence in your lives as much as you can.

By allowing him all these privileges with your DD you are giving him way too much control. I would reduce his involvement as much as you can and I would push for zero contact, reinforced by court if at all possible. When your DD is older you can tell her the real reasons he is dangerous.

you’re a great mother. Sending love xxxxx

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry - this must be an impossible situation for you.

The only thing I've thought of (and apologies if it's already been raised, I skimmed through the replies)...I'm assuming he was arrested at some point? If that's the case, he'll have bail conditions pending a court hearing. Can you possibly access these? I know that social services sometimes (but definitely not always) are privy to them but it would be interesting to see if and how they match up to what social services are suggesting.

I agree with the majority on here though, I think it's time for gentle honesty with your DD. She'll find out the truth at some point, especially if he is found guilty - it will be published in the press and likely be the local gossip for a while. Much better that she knows the reality beforehand and you can discuss between you how to deal with any potential outcome.

Edited because my fat fingers did all sorts of random stuff first time around!

I don’t really understand why you’re “torn” OP. SS won’t let him live with gf’s children why would yours be any different?

He’s lovebombing her now because she’s approaching puberty and is of more interest to him. He wants to show the court and SS he’s a “good dad”- which will give him more access to teenage girls long term. It’s win win.

Thank you everyone, I have up til this point followed SS’s advice every step of the way. It has been more difficult than expected as court was postponed so this has been going on since around March.

I have emailed the courts to see if I can access bail conditions. I am debating on the advice of telling her more, she is a fairly grown up 12 but quite an emotional child still.

part of the advice from SS was that he had to have a responsible adult there when she sees him so it is supervised to an extent. This has been the gf who communicating and facilitating the contact.

Obviously I don’t plan on acting on her wishes of overnights etc I just needed an outlet. I think I will call SS again to get some updated advice given the sudden interest and ask for it in writing to help back me up with her.

His gf cannot be deemed a responsible adult for supervised contact, as she is failing to follow SS advice and protect her own children.

You need to contact SS again , to get more advice and to report him living with minors . You should also speak with the school , ask if they can get your daughter some counselling . I also wonder if a meeting with her and a police liaison or someone similar and explain to her the charges against her father .
you be red to start moving now regarding hun wanting to travel and out a full stop to it . If she has a passport hide it and contact the home office regarding a risk if kidnap

if he is still living with the girlfriend and her kids, you need to speak to SS

I would tell her [a 12yo’s version] of exactly what’s going on and that your job has always been to keep her safe and always will be. Pull him up when he talks to you like sh!t as well. What a scumbag.

shes not a responsible adult shes not meant to be there

It’s advisory at the moment. However, if you allow it you may well find the decision removed from you, with SS become involved. I’d be very clear that she cannot go there, and leave it to him to go to court if he wishes to see her