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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

178 replies

Overreactingmom · 21/09/2023 10:01

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

OP posts:
Gillstuck · 21/09/2023 10:43

Please keep her safe. Don't let her stay. He is manipulating a child for his own ends. Is he buying her gifts and jewellery and treating her as a grown up? It will end in tears and maybe in front of a jury in 20 years when she takes stock of what he may do if she stays.

timetochangethering · 21/09/2023 10:46

You need to be much more direct with her

"Your dad has been accused of a very serious crime against two separate people, SS have said because of this no overnights. If he is convicted he will likely be jailed"

"I would love for you to have a trip abroad, but Social Services won't allow it due to the pending court case"

You need to explain in age appropriate terms the accusations AND you need to have a word with social services about him still living with young girls.

You need to think what to say when she asks why the two young girls are allowed overnight with him.... "They aren't, but social services have said the same thing to their mum so I imagine they won't be soon"

Get on the front foot with this, and if necessary get the social worker to speak to her to back you up.

Foxblue · 21/09/2023 10:48

How awful for you OP. Definitely do what SS say and be open (in an appropriate way) with your daughter about why - SS might be able to point you to resources on how to have these kinds of conversations, or maybe someone else on the thread.
He's being more consistent with contact to try and use it as a bargaining chip in court, isn't he. Bastard.

ttcat37 · 21/09/2023 10:48

My mistake saying she was 16 when she is 12. Difficult one depending on how mature she is for her age.

Malificent1 · 21/09/2023 10:49

She’s 12 and you need to safeguard her. He’s already emotionally abusing her by drip, drip, dripping poison into her ears about you. It’s parental alienation.

You need to tell her what he’s accused of, and explain that you need to protect her. Then I’d cut all contact. He’s failed, again, to be a decent human.

And you need to tell social services that he’s still living with those little girls.

Giraffe888 · 21/09/2023 10:49

I would also tell your daughter the truth. No way would I let my daughter stay overnight there

ShineBright1209 · 21/09/2023 10:53

How would he be able to take her abroad whilst he’s on police bail? With him going to court January he’s clearly already been charged with the offences so wouldn’t be allowed to leave the country.

Ghostjail · 21/09/2023 10:55

I agree that you need to tell her the truth. The accusations will likely become a matter of public record in January and if she finds out anyway she may redirect her anger toward you. I know someone who's father spent time in prison. He was told that he was working away. When he was 13 he was messing around on Google and did searches on his family members and found several articles about his father, his crime and his sentencing. It damaged his relationship with his mother.

Explain what he has been accused of. Reiterate that social services have deemed him someone who is not able to parent a child or young person full time and refuse to allow her to stay overnights. Explain that this can all be discussed again after the case in January and with further social service input.

ChateauMargaux · 21/09/2023 10:56

Explain to her that you do not believe that she should spend more time with her father right now, at the very least until his trial is over. When parents do not agree what is right for their child, sometimes the courts are asked to make the decision. You are doing what you think is right for her. If her father disagrees, he can instigate court proceedings.

Cowlover89 · 21/09/2023 10:58

Definitely tell her the truth x

DoughnutDreams · 21/09/2023 11:00

He is using her to look respectful in court and try to get a reduced sentence if convicted. At 12, she is old enough to have more information. You have been assaulted and abused by him, so it is likely that you have difficulty being assertive.
PP suggested seeking advice from SS, or having them talk with her. This might be a good way forward.

Scrapper142 · 21/09/2023 11:02

SS said to keep contact unless there's red flags. I'd say there are red flags, he's clearly attempting to manipulate her and it's working. Cut contact.

You know your daughter best and need to find a way to explain to her what's going on with as much truth and honesty as you can and is appropriate.

He's living somewhere he shouldn't, so explain that's a lie. There's no way he can take her on holiday as he won't be allowed to leave the country, another lie.

UnfortunateTypo · 21/09/2023 11:03

The overnights and abroad trips are your red flags. He’s grooming her to either get to her or her friends.

Tell her the truth, you aren’t protecting her by keeping her in the dark. Also tell SS what he’s up to and that you aren’t comfortable with contact anymore. As soon as be realises she’s not an available mark he’ll move on to the next one. Sadly it sounds like GF’s daughters.

Begsthequestion · 21/09/2023 11:06

If I were you I'd contact the NSPCC to get advice on the best way to tell your daughter the truth. And if she doesn't understand it all now, she will when she's a bit older and likely thank you for not keeping her in the dark over it.

It sounds like he's trying to emotionally manipulate her now, for whatever reason. Maybe he thinks being an attentive father (on paper) will help his case in court later on. She doesn't deserve to be used like that.

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 11:08

I think you need to tell her exactly what he has been accused of, unfortunately.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/09/2023 11:09

Speak to SS and tell them what he’s doing. Tell them about the abroad suggestion and that the two girls are still living with him.

You need to explain to your DD that he’s been accused of something very serious so she’s not allowed to stay overnight with him until after it’s been to court.
Id be explaining that both her dad and you would get in trouble if she stayed over and it’s important that SS see that you both take good care of her.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2023 11:10

Fuckingfuming1 · 21/09/2023 10:26

I agree, I would tell her the truth, and if there’s any way of contacting the girlfriends two children’s father, I’d be inclined to tell him the truth as well. Let him make the decision as to whether he wants his children anywhere near that man.

I agree.

dooneyousmugelf · 21/09/2023 11:10

I would tell her 'no' , 'he is unsafe to be around', 'he is abusive'. She's a young child so no means no. She will not be going. I'd take professional advice as to how much more to tell her.

Ghostjail · 21/09/2023 11:11

I agree to very gently explain to her that he has been manipulating her. This needs to be done very carefully and emphasising that none of this is her fault or anything to do with her. You can gently explain that he has told her they will go abroad but that this is a lie because he is not allowed to go abroad. That sometimes people promise us things that they can't deliver and it doesn't matter to them if we are hurt or disappointed. You need to also explain that him calling you names and saying bad things about you is bullying and manipulative behaviour and that happy, healthy and safe to be around people don't do this. She needs to be able to spot manipulations and lies so that she doesn't replicate the relationship she has with her dad when she starts having romantic relationships.

EverybodyLTB · 21/09/2023 11:13

Tell her the truth, and I’d be blocking contact and letting her go bonkers about it (if she does), and tell him to take you to court. I’d tell the school etc too and be building a picture behind why I’m not allowing contact. I’d be pointing out his abuse of you to her, too. It seems to have become some kind of thing in parenting where we don’t want our children to know the reality of their abusive parent. When the children are at risk, it seems outrageous to me that we still toe this line. Tell her he is abusive and manipulative and is accused of rape.

BoohooWoohoo · 21/09/2023 11:14

Do you have any idea when a trial might happen?

I think it's inevitable that your dd wants to spend as much time as she can with her dad since he's showing some interest and she doesn't want to lose that momentum.

I think that you can tell her the truth but be prepared to hear her repeat some derogatory comments about the women and sexual assault in general as her dad is bound to give her excuses. By derogatory comments I mean the usual comments some people say about sexual assault victims - she's made it up, she regretted it because she has a partner and doesn't want to admit she cheated, she threw herself at him etc

Unfortunately I don't think you can do very much thanks to SS saying that it's advisory which is a shame as a ban would make things easier.

ChateauMargaux · 21/09/2023 11:15

This is a decision for the courts.... you have been advised not to allow your daughter to have extended time with this man, who has history of assault and has assault cases pending.

Explain this to your daughter and allow her father to take you to courtm

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 21/09/2023 11:15

Firstly, report him for living with GF and kids. It would seem that this is against SS advice. It might resolve the issue with DD if police step in.

viques · 21/09/2023 11:18

If the SS want red flags then tell them about the red flags.

he is upping contact after many years

he is talking about overnight stays/ EOW contact

he is talking about trips abroad ( how can he even be contemplating this if he is due in court early next year! Does he not have bail conditions imposed?)

What other red flags are you waiting for?

RandomMess · 21/09/2023 11:20

Is this all not to make him look like a loving involved responsible father to the courts when he goes on trial?