Ex accused of rape. DD wants to move in with him

[Overreactingmom]

I don’t even know where to begin everything is such a mess.

I have a child (DD12) with Ex. Recently discovered he has 2 separate rape allegations pending (different women, both 18+). He has court early Jan. He also has a record for assaulting me.

ex has a new gf with 2 young girls. SS said he couldn’t live with them anymore as he was an ‘indirect risk’ and they were worried about his drinking/driving/behaviour.

I only found any of this out because ex told me about 1 allegation, the rest came from speaking to SS and the courts.

So they advised (only advised so not set rules) no overnights, for him not to drive her anywhere himself but otherwise keep contact as long as I don’t see any red flags and she can call me if needed.

so for the first time in years he’s been more consistent seeing my DD and has seen her 5 weeks in a row. She is now asking for sleepovers, to live there every other week FT and staying she wants to live there when she is 16. he also wants to take her abroad in Dec which he has never done before even for a weekend.

I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know). DD knows he’s been accused of ‘assault’ but assumed fighting in a pub etc so she doesn’t know the real reason. I’m

he speaks to me like shit, comments on my appearance, speaks badly about me in-front of DD and comments on my weight.

I don’t know what to do. How to go forward. I don’t even know if he’s going to be around after court happens. I am going to court to hear details as I need to know if he is guilty or not.

Please be kind. I am so upset and torn right now.

I agree wit pp-hes clearly doing this to make him look like a good man/father for his trial

you need to tell your dd the truth now and get on to ss about him living with children still

Think it’s likely he may be building up the relationship to use as mitigation in his court case.

Where did you get 16 from? She’s 12.

I found out that my father had what he described as ‘forced himself’ on women when he was younger. He was talking about it while drunk and even joked ‘they would probably call it rape now.’ I was appalled and completely disassociated from him and despised him. He’s dead now and I think good riddance. So tell your daughter the truth.

I think you also need to tell her if not the full truth then something closer to it, so she doesn’t assume a pub fight. She needs the facts to be able to protect herself, as well as you protecting her.

Rapists and abusers often fit the narcissistic profile, so it’s very likely he’ll be able to manipulate her. You and she need to be on your guard.

I’d also consider going back to court for an actual order preventing her from going there.

I don’t think you can say this to her without causing her significant distress but it sounds to me like the reason he has only suddenly been involved is so that he can use that to paint himself in a better light in the trial. Again, I don’t think you should say that to her, she’s only 12 and it would be very damaging for her to know he might be using her.

What I think you can say is that SS’s position may only be advisory right now, but you and they are not being over the top: that there are rape allegations (I’d be surprised if a 12 year old didn’t know what rape was) by 2 separate women and it is going to trial and until that is resolved, it is important to abide by SS advice.

Also, if needs be, you can go back to SS and tell them what he is asking for, including the holiday abroad, and ask if that is a potential breach of his bail conditions and if so, whether that changes their view.

His sudden interest in his daughter and consistent contact with her is highly likely to do with the fact his solicitor has advised him it will be a useful mitigating factor in any sentencing should he be found guilty. And a helpful manipulating factor in a not guilty plea.
I guarantee he will drop her as soon as the court case is over and go back to highly sporadic contact.
Refuse overnights, let him bring an application to a family court for them if he’s so determined.
In the meantime be assured you are protecting your daughter even if she hates you for it right now. She’ll thank you in the long run.

You need to tell her. I know she is only 12, but she is old enough to know what that all means.

And imagine if you didn't tell her and in a couple of years she found out what the real reasons were and you had allowed her to stay there, she will very likely feel alot more confused, angry at not being given the full facts.

Theres a big difference to her thinking he had a fight in a pub, to raping women.

It could cause her alot of damage, mentally, down the line when she finds out and realises she has been investing her time in someone she may then consider a monster. She deserves to know the full facts and truth in order to be able to make any sort of decision around him. Ultimately your job is to protect her, not his reputation in her eyes. And unfortunately, because of him, a difficult conversation, which any mother would hate to be having with her young daughter, is needed.

Good luck, hope it goes well and you manage to keep her away from him as much as possible.

You need to tell her the truth.

You need to take legal advice and I’m surprised social services haven’t told you that.

Social services are fucking useless.

she wants to live there when she is 16.

Of course she wants to go there more often.

Right now he’s a Disney dad and you say yourself this has been the most consistent he’s been - she’s trying to get as much of his attention as she can because he doesn’t usually give her this much attention and in the back of her mind she knows it may not last, so she’s clinging on.

I would 100% support her moving in at 16. This is 4 years away and by that time she’d most likely have changed her mind or he’d have stopped seeing her.

The more you push teens, the more they pull away so you have to be careful about being negative.

The main reason as to why he’s being so consistent is to prove to his gf/the courts that the allegations must be false, because look what a great dad he is.
I doubt it will last.

She’s only 12 and she loves her dad.
She is desperate for him to love her back.
I wouldn’t tell her the entire truth but I would be more honest.
Perhaps say that he has been accused of hurting 2 different women.

I would be honest and say that SS have advised no overnights until this is all sorted, which is why he can’t live with his gf and her kids.

Tell her that she’s more than welcome to spend time with him but that overnights can’t happen until the accusations have been dealt with.

It depends on the terms of bail. Frequently there is a requirement that the accused give up his passport. OP, you need to check with the police.

I hope your username is a joke!

She's 12, you need to take the choice away from her and isolate her from crminals. She can sense your indecisiveness and fear, and it's confusing her. Get Social Servies' support if needed, but quit dithering around.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I was in a similarly dangerous situation when I was 12 and the adults in my life were absolute fools about it, leaving me worried about a paedophile's feelings. It really damaged me and I rarely see my mother now.

Oh OP I really feel for you, what an awful situation. I agree with others that at 12 she is old enough to be told the truth of the allegations against your ex. It would be wrong not to. As others have said, to prepare for the possibility of prison if he’s found guilty but also so that she can make an informed choice about spending time with him.

Also on this:
I am actually heartbroken that she wants to live there as I’ve raised her without much input from him at all. (Never done a school run, night waking, drs appt, etc). It feels like a betrayal from my child (IABU there I know).

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. To have done all of the heavy lifting of parenting, only to have your DD then want to live with her dad is a huge kick in the teeth. I can understand it from your DD’s point of view- I imagine her judgement is just clouded by her delight in her dad finally showing some interest in her. But you’re not at all unreasonable to be hugely upset but it. I hope you have some support to help you process this.

Be careful how much close contact she has with him.

You don't want social services to consider taking your daughter off you because you're not safeguarding her properly!

Social services are fucking useless.

Yes they are. I’ve been there in a situation not too dissimilar to this and their ‘advice’ was ‘we can’t advise you but we urge you to seek legal advise’.

OP my legal advice was apply for an urgent without notice C100 order, a prohibitive steps order and put that the kid is at risk of harm.

This triggers a court hearing in which the judge then directs social services to investigate his risk of harm to her.

leopardprintismyfavourite has given you the best advice on this thread; because not only is he love bombing your DD to use in his trial, he is also setting up the situation where you'll be the bad guy for protecting her.

He is using your daughter to look good in court. Nothing more. If he does not go to jail he’ll soon be back to his old ways.
Either way you’ll be picking up the pieces.

I’d look into therapy as soon as possible.
It’s normal to feel betrayed but he’s manipulative and she is young. He’s giving her attention for the first time and sadly kids often gravitate to parents that don’t give a shit, desperate for love.
That’s nothing to do with everything you have done for her. Understandably you are hurt but see it for what it is.
Protecting her from him is the priority so box up that hurt for now. She’s too young to know what she needs.

I'd tell your daughter about the rape allegations tbh. She deserves to know - otherwise she's putting herself in danger unknowingly

Spot on, @viques .

The fact that he's trying to up contact when this is hanging over him is ringing a huge alarm bell for me.

And you need to be honest with her OP. After all, what SS have said may be advisory, but they will take a very dim view of things if you don't follow the advice.

As PP have said, you would be regarded as having failed to safeguard your DD if anything happened to her. That's an avenue you don't want to go down. Your DD is old enough to understand this. Personally, I'd be saying no unsupervised contact other than, possibly, in public places.

Phone or online chat contact womans aid. They will be able to advise/probably offer you support on how to proceed. You have a duty of care to your daughter.You said hes still live with gf and kids?is dd visits taking place there? honestly.womens aid will advise you on protecting your dqaughter and will at very least be able to signpost you to help maybe counselling/support regarding the impact ex has on you and daughter.
its really unfair that youve done everything and now look like your pulling the rug on time with dad.
thats how abusive situations fester and grow.good luck.please call them

I agree with others to tell her the whole story with support from SS etc

I would not be allowing the holiday abroad and I would be making sure he gets nowhere near her passport. With these charges hanging over his head, he might not be intending to come back.

This x 💯

My heart really breaks for you OP, what a rubbish situation, I cannot imagine how you feel right now 💐

I am adding to the chorus of tell your daughter the truth, in an age appropriate way, once it has had chance to settle in with her, maybe make a plan to do something nice just you and her - she will need lots of reassurance, she will need a safe space to let out all her feelings and emotions. Agree with the poster who suggested talking about high profile cases currently to help her understand the impacts on victims in these situations.

I also think its a good idea to let social services know that he is still living with his current girlfriends children.