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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For calling my wife ‘sick’ over her opinion?

220 replies

BenefitDad · 20/09/2023 19:31

She’s of the opinion that’s it’s strange , borderline ‘emotional incest’ and damn right weird, if an adult son takes their mom out for a meal alone, like just the two of them. She considers this ‘dating’

isnt this completely normal?

OP posts:
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 20/09/2023 21:28

Whoops
I go out regularly with my adult and near adult children, both boys and girls, one on one.
I love every minute and the fact that they still CHOOSE to spend time with me 🥰

JMSA · 20/09/2023 21:29

Was she abused as a child?
There must be a reason for this skewed way of thinking.
Apologies if I'm way off the mark.

MeMySonAnd1 · 20/09/2023 21:32

burnoutbabe · 20/09/2023 19:54

My dad many years ago just happened "to have work in London" on my birthday so we went out for dinner.

And then remembered it was valentines night and we were stuck amongst all the couples. I did loudly say dad as few times to clarify the relationship!

I went out for dinner with my dad to his favourite restaurant. He was a regular and knew everyone, so he introduced me to everyone down to the parking assistant. He says he was worried people would think he was cheating on my mum 🤣

Having said that, my mum was always at restaurants with my dad, if he was leaving her at home all the time to take me out instead, I would perfectly understand her complaining it was not normal.

Shopper727 · 20/09/2023 21:34

So if it’s a father and daughter? Or mother and daughter or does she also have a problem with father and son having food? How odd. I have 4 boys so they have taken me for lunch for Mother’s Day etc what a weird way to think

notacooldad · 20/09/2023 21:35

it might be a bit weird if she were still married to his dad and dad was not invited…
Not even then. I have a completely different relationship with my adult ds than dh does. DH and DS talk about cars, making things, plan hiking trips etc. DS talks more about how is feeling. Not all the time of course but I can normally pick up when something is a bit off kilter with him and 1:1 time away from family stuff helps him talk.

MysteryBelle · 20/09/2023 21:40

BenefitDad · 20/09/2023 20:55

Wow so many replies

ive literally never taken my mom anywhere since we’ve been married, I casually mentioned once to my wife when when was passing by, “I took my mom there for lunch” and later on she said that’s weird

I have my own house, Im not that close to my mom, but much closer than my wife and her mom are. Tbh, most of her opinions of family are skewed, I won’t go into why exactly but she’s not the most family oriented and finds normal relationships with families weird.

Edited

If she is basing her opinion on you casually mentioning you once took your mom there for lunch, then she is a psycho.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 21:43

StaunchMomma · 20/09/2023 20:55

I assumed OP was a lesbian and the Mum in the scenario. My bad 😂

Show quote history

Ah I seee

minipeony · 20/09/2023 21:44

BenefitDad · 20/09/2023 20:55

Wow so many replies

ive literally never taken my mom anywhere since we’ve been married, I casually mentioned once to my wife when when was passing by, “I took my mom there for lunch” and later on she said that’s weird

I have my own house, Im not that close to my mom, but much closer than my wife and her mom are. Tbh, most of her opinions of family are skewed, I won’t go into why exactly but she’s not the most family oriented and finds normal relationships with families weird.

Edited

Where was it you took her? A normal restaurant?

SoShallINever · 20/09/2023 21:49

Well it wasn't a nice thing to call her. I would have no issue at all with this normally but the relationship between my MIL, my DH and myself was as weird as fuck, and she did everything she could to wield power over me. Including walking around my home in her bra, telling me that DH thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and that he was relieved our DD looked like her and not me. She also insinuated that I shouldn't let him and his sister be alone as his sister is beautiful and no man can contain himself around her. She also liked to kiss DH on the mouth, massage his feet and smack his arse every time he walked passed her. If your mother behaves like this then YABVU and I feel sorry for you wife.

Ilefttownonsaturday · 20/09/2023 21:49

Why did you marry your wife if you have so very different views on life and family? You're completely incompatible and her views are weird and abnormal.

Hooplahooping · 20/09/2023 21:53

Unbelievably controlling.

My MIL has dreadful boundaries and drives me potty with her expectations of minute to minute involvement in our lives.

she is still my husbands mother + as such it is appropriate that she get some quality time with him.

a) it is very much in my long term interests to model children spending time with their parents in adulthood. I want my boys to want to hang out with me when I’m a mad old bat and b) she’s his mother, she raised him the best she could with the tools she had. In the absence of any ‘big T Trauma’ It would be down right shitty to deny her, or him, their time together.

unless you aren’t telling us very key facts here…

Viviennethebeautiful · 20/09/2023 22:03

This is not only normal but very important for adult sons to stay close to their mums and vice versa. Both my sons 35 and 30 individually dine with me. We go to some very nice restaurants too.
it was also my special bond with by dad until he became housebound last year. 40 years of weekly meals just dad and daughter. We worked in the same town. Now we no longer can I am 💔

Terraria · 20/09/2023 22:10

Dinner - normal, call it dating - not normal...

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/09/2023 22:10

Your wife is talking poop! Of course it's not weird or incestuous for a son to go for a meal with his mother! WTF is wrong with her?!

YukoandHiro · 20/09/2023 22:11

Unless there's some massive back story your wife is very odd. Is there some history in her childhood or something?

whataboutism · 20/09/2023 22:14

Taking mum out for dinner is not a problem. Are you a mamma's boy ? That is a problem.

Anothagoatthis · 20/09/2023 22:17

SoShallINever · 20/09/2023 21:49

Well it wasn't a nice thing to call her. I would have no issue at all with this normally but the relationship between my MIL, my DH and myself was as weird as fuck, and she did everything she could to wield power over me. Including walking around my home in her bra, telling me that DH thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and that he was relieved our DD looked like her and not me. She also insinuated that I shouldn't let him and his sister be alone as his sister is beautiful and no man can contain himself around her. She also liked to kiss DH on the mouth, massage his feet and smack his arse every time he walked passed her. If your mother behaves like this then YABVU and I feel sorry for you wife.

If OP’s wife is making weird unfounded accusations like that on the basis of him taking his mum out for lunch on well she is being sick. That would make me incredibly uncomfortable that her mind went there. Especially given the update where if true, there’s nothing to suggest there’s anything like emotional incest going on.

Your situation is very different, your MiL clearly has a weird unhealthy relationship with your husband, but hopefully he stood up to her and put an end to it quick ? I couldn’t imagine being with a man who let his mum behave like that. If he has tolerated it, he is also to blame and it’s disgusting on both sides. The fact that your MiL has suggested incest may occur if your husband is around his sister is absolutely rank.

I assume you’ve all gone reduced or no contact with her now?

Jenasaurus · 20/09/2023 22:29

This is odd. I often meet up with my sons for dinner. One of them we share a love of horror films which his wife doesn't enjoy so we go to the cinema and fir dinner. My other son often takes me out for dinner when his girlfriend is visiting her mum. I've even gone to a festival with one. Does that mean we are dating as I'm single !

Channellingsophistication · 20/09/2023 22:31

its a strange reaction … how about if an adult daughter goes for dinner with their dad or mum. Does she think that odd? If this is about you taking your mum for dinner then your wife must be insecure and/or jealous.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 20/09/2023 22:31

It’s completely normal.

my (ex) stepmum thought that it was weird and inappropriate that I would give my dad a hug and kiss as an adult. Very odd!

Hottip · 20/09/2023 22:37

Sounds like a very manipulative response from her.

I really hope your response was, 'what a terrible thing to say to me - you genuinely need help if you believe I'm in an incestous relationship with my mother because i went out for lunch with her'.

Then i hoped you showed her a look of utter disgust and walked away.

Don't stand for it. It will only get worse.

Banderbear · 20/09/2023 22:41

A lot of people seem freaked out by the word ‘incest’. It’s not a great term but ‘emotional incest’ doesn’t actually mean anything sexual. It’s when a parent depends on their child in a similar way they would a spouse. For example, expecting them to always be the shoulder to cry or help them to resolve financial issues, etc.

If OP’s mother constantly wants to be taken out and treated and that happens against a backdrop of her being very dependent on OP to solve her problems and put her first over OP’s wife, then it could actually point towards some emotional incest. Impossible to tell with so few details, even after OP’s update.

PumpkinBum3 · 20/09/2023 22:42

SoShallINever · 20/09/2023 21:49

Well it wasn't a nice thing to call her. I would have no issue at all with this normally but the relationship between my MIL, my DH and myself was as weird as fuck, and she did everything she could to wield power over me. Including walking around my home in her bra, telling me that DH thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and that he was relieved our DD looked like her and not me. She also insinuated that I shouldn't let him and his sister be alone as his sister is beautiful and no man can contain himself around her. She also liked to kiss DH on the mouth, massage his feet and smack his arse every time he walked passed her. If your mother behaves like this then YABVU and I feel sorry for you wife.

Good Gawd 😂🤢

elliejjtiny · 20/09/2023 22:44

I go out for dinner just me and 17 year old ds all the time. Nothing weird about that. He likes a nice civilised meal out when his younger brothers are at school and he has a day off college. I got a bit of a shock last time though as the waitress asked which of us would be paying! I hadn't realised how grown up he looks now.

SwiftieGrainger · 20/09/2023 22:48

When I lived at home in addition to paying keep I'd take each of my parents out for dinner weekly. I really miss those days now, one if my best memories is having spag bowl in a cafe in London with my dad and taking selfies together.