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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

353 replies

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:07

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 20/09/2023 09:10

I would not feel happy not being on the same floor of my house as my babys bedroom.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 20/09/2023 09:10

Do your step children live with you full time?

ASCCM · 20/09/2023 09:10

Yes important to know how often step children are there?

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:11

No, they live with us about 1/4 of the time (weekends and holidays). Because we spend certain weeks each year on family holidays, they spend about 75 nights a year in their bedrooms.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 20/09/2023 09:13

There's a lot of information missing here so impossible to say imo.

Why do you think the girls should move?
Why does DH think baby downstairs?
Which is the bigger room?
How often are the kids there?
How do the girls feel about it?

ASCCM · 20/09/2023 09:14

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:11

No, they live with us about 1/4 of the time (weekends and holidays). Because we spend certain weeks each year on family holidays, they spend about 75 nights a year in their bedrooms.

In this case ( and I also wouldn’t have the baby downstairs) they need to move.

Your new baby will be there 100% of the time so will need the best bedroom space.

that’s my honest opinion , that’s life!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/09/2023 09:15

I can’t work out how many rooms upstairs vs how many children- but no way is my baby / young child, on a ground floor away from me.

Whataretheodds · 20/09/2023 09:15

I'd also feel uncomfortable with a baby/toddler on a different floor.

CornishGem1975 · 20/09/2023 09:16

My baby would be as close to me as possible for the first few years of life. Older children downstairs if need be - SC is a red herring here really as I'd say the same if it were my own older children.

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:16

takealettermsjones · 20/09/2023 09:13

There's a lot of information missing here so impossible to say imo.

Why do you think the girls should move?
Why does DH think baby downstairs?
Which is the bigger room?
How often are the kids there?
How do the girls feel about it?

  1. Because I don’t want to sleep on a different floor to the baby when SC’s bedrooms are empty 75+% of the time
  2. He thinks the girls will be put out by being further away from us at night
  3. Our room is the biggest. The other rooms wouldn’t be big enough for our furniture. Of the downstairs room and the girls’ current room, the downstairs one is bigger
  4. About 75 nights a year + three weeks we spend on holidays away from home
  5. They haven’t been consulted. They don’t know I’m pregnant yet and I don’t think it’s their decision to be honest
OP posts:
lanthanum · 20/09/2023 09:16

I wouldn't fancy any of the kids being downstairs. And will the home office continue to be needed?
Since the others aren't there all the time, I might be inclined to put the baby in one of their rooms, but back in your room when the other kids are there. And make sure the extension happens before the baby outgrows a cot.

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:18

CornishGem1975 · 20/09/2023 09:16

My baby would be as close to me as possible for the first few years of life. Older children downstairs if need be - SC is a red herring here really as I'd say the same if it were my own older children.

This is my opinion too.

OP posts:
Viewfrommyhouse · 20/09/2023 09:18

CornishGem1975 · 20/09/2023 09:16

My baby would be as close to me as possible for the first few years of life. Older children downstairs if need be - SC is a red herring here really as I'd say the same if it were my own older children.

This. Even if they weren't SC and lived there full time, there's no way a baby should be on a different floor to you.

NotReallySureAboutIt · 20/09/2023 09:18

Absolutely your baby needs to up upstairs with you. You can make it fun for the kids that are moving downstairs 'ok who wants to choose the colour/the carpet/the theme of the room? Let's go shopping and get some stuff now!' Etc. Little kids would love that. Your SO probably doesn't want his/her kids to feel like they're being pushed out but they're not, they're getting a new amazing room. Your baby absolutely needs a room upstairs.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2023 09:19

Baby in your room for the time being of course.

You can’t them put the baby downstairs on their own, no.

Can you wait slightly longer with baby in your room (until 1.5 /2), and then you and DH move downstairs, leaving all the kids upstairs? Have a baby monitor so you can hear them?

Or the two girls might like the room downstairs as a “big kids” space once you get to that stage.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 09:20

The 2 DSDs will love it. They'll be able to chat all night. I'm assuming the home office is big enough for the two of them? My parents had a similar set up and me and my siblings all wanted to be the one in the downstairs room!

I'm assuming your house isn't sprawling and huge and they will be just down the stairs?

Your DH is going to regret it if baby is down stairs as everytime they need you in the night he'll have to get up and trek down stairs. Also when they are in their "big bed" they might want to come and find you in the night.

RedToothBrush · 20/09/2023 09:20

I wouldn't let DS have his own room on a different floor when he was a toddler even though we had a free bedroom.

Everything else stems from that.

Tbh, girls using the office part time is the most sensible solution.

Oliotya · 20/09/2023 09:20

You're newly pregnant, so baby won't need a room for a year or so anyway. I'd park the conversation for now. None of those kids are old enough for me to be comfortable with them being on a different floor. But longer term, big girls downstairs seems the sensible choice.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 09:20

Alternatively would DSS be OK in the downstairs room?

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:21

lanthanum · 20/09/2023 09:16

I wouldn't fancy any of the kids being downstairs. And will the home office continue to be needed?
Since the others aren't there all the time, I might be inclined to put the baby in one of their rooms, but back in your room when the other kids are there. And make sure the extension happens before the baby outgrows a cot.

Not for the first year as I’ll be on maternity leave, after which I could put a desk into the baby’s room. SO works out of the house.

The cot and changing table wouldn’t fit into either of the rooms as it stands - SS is in the box room and has a mid-sleeper; the girls are vehemently against bunk beds (they have them at their mum’s) and with their furniture, there’s no extra wall space.

OP posts:
minipeony · 20/09/2023 09:21

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:16

  1. Because I don’t want to sleep on a different floor to the baby when SC’s bedrooms are empty 75+% of the time
  2. He thinks the girls will be put out by being further away from us at night
  3. Our room is the biggest. The other rooms wouldn’t be big enough for our furniture. Of the downstairs room and the girls’ current room, the downstairs one is bigger
  4. About 75 nights a year + three weeks we spend on holidays away from home
  5. They haven’t been consulted. They don’t know I’m pregnant yet and I don’t think it’s their decision to be honest
Show quote history

Re point 3 - makes perfect sense then for them to have a bigger room.

cutegorilla · 20/09/2023 09:24

I think for purely practical reasons, needing to be able to tend to baby/toddler through the night, having the baby upstairs makes sense. I would think so even if they were not SC.

I think them being SC makes it more sensitive though. You need to be careful they don't feel like they are being made less important. I would make it all about them having the bigger room, rather than saying the baby needs to be with you, and make a big effort to make it a beautiful and welcoming space for them. Let them choose how to decorate it etc. After all it does make sense that two children sharing should have the bigger space.

3peassuit · 20/09/2023 09:24

The baby will be in your room for at least 6 months, after that the girls move downstairs.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 20/09/2023 09:24

Baby stays in your room for first year anyway so worry about in it in 18 months. Until they are about 4/5 a bedroom is just for sleeping, no little child spends any time in it playing, they want to be with other people. I do marvel at these men who have more children than they can comfortably house.

Original poster
SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:26

minipeony · 20/09/2023 09:20

Alternatively would DSS be OK in the downstairs room?

SS would probably love it, but I don’t really trust him being downstairs by himself at night due to his age. The girls are sensible and there’s two of them. Also, longer-term, it wouldn’t make sense to me that the baby has a tiny box room whilst the two bigger rooms are seldomly used.

OP posts: