It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

[SettleThis]

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

This is a very standard arrangement for NRPs, maybe read up on it.

It’s not really relevant to the question in hand, but it’s not his preference.

They can have an inferior/more cramped sleeping space 'because they aren't here all the time'; then, if their mum has another baby(ies) with her new partner, maybe they also end up with an inferior/more cramped sleeping space there 'because they aren't here all the time'.

This is an excellent point

It’s not more cramped though. The downstairs room is bigger. They're not getting an inferior room because they’re not here all the time, they’re getting the downstairs room because they’re the oldest and most sensible children and it’s safer for them to be there together than for a baby or a mischievous five year old to be there alone.

If I was pushing for all three SC to be in the box room, you’d have a point. But I’m not.

But these children are residential with their mother. So this, again, is if, buts and maybes. The mother is highly unlikely to terf her children out of rooms they use 5/6 days a bloody week. I love how 90% of the arguments on here have nothing to do with the actual thread.

We have a three bedroom house and 5 children between us, so I understand the struggles! Baby will be in with you to begin with I assume? You may find for the first year the baby will be in with you and DH.. after that could you and DH not move downstairs? Considering you use it as a bit of an office anyway? So you could have your bedroom in the reception room?..

that way it frees up a bedroom for baby and the girls don’t have to move rooms?

it’s important really that they all feel like they have somewhere of there own, you and DH are the adults.. my opinion is once your ready for baby to have own room you guys locate to the reception room.. seems the most fairest option tbh, and a lot less hassle then having to rearrange everything!

My babies don’t sleep so if Dh wanted baby downstairs I’d suggest he set an alarm for every hour overnight for a month and every time it goes off he gets up runs downstairs and comes back up. No way would I be getting up at night with a baby downstairs when they could have been in the next room, that would be Dh.

@SettleThis just seen your latest post, wouldn’t it be more sensible for you and DH to be downstairs? Have a baby monitor downstairs to listen out for baby.

i personally wouldn’t feel comfortable the stepchildren being downstairs either. Don’t want to be a drama llama but if someone was able to enter the house in any way, fire, etc it’s safer for them to be upstairs because you as adults will know how to deal with that situation.

I don’t think it’s particularly safe for any of the children to be sleeping downstairs? Would make more sense for the adults to be downstairs.

I think having the girls downstairs has to be the solution. You can sell it to them as the biggest bedroom and let them be involved in decorating it. You can keep baby in with you for a year or so so there is plenty of time before they actually need to move. Baby/toddler needs to be on same floor as you.

My DS was just about climbing out of his bedside crib by 8 months, no space in our room for a proper cot. Laughing at the assumption that everyone has loads of space for two adults a toddler and all their shit to fit in one room comfortably and not explode with resentment at all the empty space in the house.

People shouldn't have more children than they have space for then should they

Three rooms between four children, two of whom want to share anyway, is hardly Dickensian.

Baby in your room until you have the extension.

Is it not a bit late to be discussing this now?

I am always baffled by posts like this, if you and your partner split you wouldn’t want him to treat his kids with you as second class citizens if you got a new partner.

You and your partner should suck this up until you get the extension or until your child is old enough to share with a sibling - who might then say they would rather go downstairs. Otherwise you should keep your child in your room as long as necessary.

Do you have three children in one room and two in another?

We could move downstairs, but that doesn’t solve the issue of having to traipse up or down stairs every time the baby cries. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable leaving a baby on a floor entirely alone (because SC aren’t here over 75% of the time) just in case there was an accident, until it was 3-4. SS was semi-regularly getting out of bed and wandering around until that age so he’s always been in a bedroom next to us so we could hear him and put him back to bed.

This.

Second class citizen... for being moved rooms... to a larger room? Alright GU, stop projecting.

I am the youngest of 4, dormer bungalow type house while growing up. I slept in the big 2nd reception room and parents had another bedroom downstairs. Older siblings had their own rooms upstairs. Logic was that the older ones would find each other and parents more easily overnight.

By the time new baby is ready to go into their own room your talking another year away in which case girls will be 8 and 9 and able to understand they have the bigger room downstairs because you trust them.

@SettleThis not his preference to have another child or not his preference to have his other kids so little?

@SettleThis at the moment we have one room, three girls in one room (fairly big room) and the two boys share.

our plan is to get a comfy sofabed downstairs so we can relocate downstairs and that will then free up a bedroom.. so as our youngest gets older, she will then move into the smaller room.

unfortunately that’s what happens when there’s other children aswell, for the first year baby will be in with you anyway and after that it may be a case of having to go up and down the stairs when baby cries etc..

i have friends who have larger families (more children) and that’s why I’m planning to get a sofabed for downstairs because majority of people I’ve spoken to do it this way.

my mums friend recently had a baby and said her plan will be the same when her baby is old enough to need a room.

it would be far safer for you and DH to go downstairs instead.

Not his preference to have his children so little, obviously. It’s not relevant but his ex had an affair then moved several hours away without notice to be with another man. By the time it’d been through the courts (Covid times so long backlog) the children were settled in their new area, his ex was and always had been the primary carer because she doesn’t work, and he got every other weekend and most the school holidays.

Yes, he could have moved closer, but he’s a senior coastguard so that’d mean ending his career, being hours from his elderly and dependent parents and support system, and his ex has openly said she’ll never agree to 50/50 and will just move again if he tries. So to reduce the previously significant conflict and turmoil in the children’s lives this is what’s happening. The children are loved and cared for in both homes and happy with their routine, and the adults are now civil. It’s not ideal but divorce never is for the children involved.

If they were all here full-time I’d agree with you (although if they were, we probably wouldn’t be having a baby or would move to a bigger house in another area) but it makes no sense to be on a different floor to a baby/toddler whilst several bedrooms sit empty.

If we don’t get the extension, when the baby is old enough to sleep through and navigate stairs etc, I’d be open to moving downstairs and splitting the bedrooms between the children. But it doesn’t make sense to do it now.

Option 3, put the baby with you and make the remodelling more of a priority than you think. I wouldnt like any if the kids to be downstairs.

I wouldn't do anything for now, you've not even had the baby.

Revisit it in a year or so. By that time, you can sell it to the girls as a more grown up move, having a bedroom away from dad, you and the little children. They'll probably be glad to escape the screaming baby and their other younger brother too. Obviously let them choose decor and all will be good.

When deciding to try for a baby;your husband obviously didn't engage his brain about where said baby would sleep.